‘You and Gerry were over a long time before he died, even if you didn’t see it then. He was never going to be the man you needed.’
If Izzy had gone to Helen first when she’d discovered Gerry’s betrayal she would never have found herself in this mess. It was only when things between her and Cal had subsequently become strained she’d turned to her friend about her troubles, omitting to tell her about Cal’s role in her grief counselling. However, that visceral reaction to the circumstances Gerry had left her in, where she’d cursed him up and down, was ammunition Helen was sure to use against her should she believe Izzy was using his death as an excuse not to date again.
‘I know there’s something going on between you and Calum. I saw the looks you kept giving each other too. As though you were afraid one of you would slip up and say something you shouldn’t.’
It was uncanny how well Helen still knew her, even though they only managed a meet up once or twice a year now. Unless she avoided all future contact with Helen she wasn’t going to be able to keep the secret much longer. Especially when her bump had to accommodate two surprise bundles.
She put Oliver back in his pram and knocked back the remainder of her decaf coffee, wishing it was a shot of tequila or even an espresso to give her a jolt of bravado. ‘I’m pregnant. With twins.’
The words burst out of her mouth before she could stop them, the pressure of keeping the secret to herself too great to hold back. The bombshell was accompanied by the appropriate sound of a crash as Helen dropped her cup on the table.
‘Why have you waited this long to tell me?’ She mopped up the spilled coffee with a paper napkin, never taking her eyes off Izzy.
‘I’m still trying to come to terms with it myself.’
Helen was staring at her, her mouth open about a foot wide. ‘Are they—?’
‘Yes, they’re Cal’s. Do you remember I told you about that man who came looking for Gerry? Well, I went to Cal’s that night because I knew I’d feel safe there and one thing led to another...’ Izzy felt the need to justify what had happened because it seemed so quick after Gerry’s death. Although Helen would never have judged her.
‘It’s no wonder you turned to him after everything you’d been going through. You don’t have to explain yourself and Cal seems like a nice guy. I’m sure he’ll stand by you.’
‘I’m sure he will but that’s not enough for my babies. You know what my childhood was like and I want more for these two. Cal is still hesitant about the whole parenting thing and I’d rather go it alone than have him only as a financial backer.’
‘Well, if anyone’s strong enough to do this on their own it’s you, Iz. Wow. I can’t believe you’re really pregnant.’ Helen reached across the table to give her a hug.
‘Neither can I. It’s a scary prospect.’
‘I take it you’re, what, two or three months gone? What are the plans?’ She was vastly over-estimating Izzy’s ability to process the situation and come up with a solution.
‘I...er...haven’t actually known for that long.’
‘Have you told work?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Booked into prenatal classes?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Isobel... Have you even started taking your folic acid supplements?’
‘I’ve been busy.’
It wasn’t much of an excuse when she had no life outside work any more, but Izzy’s way of dealing with her shock pregnancy had been not dealing with it.
‘You’re going to have to get organised,’ Helen scolded, and immediately started scribbling a list of things for her to do in her personal organiser.
‘You know I’m bad at this kind of thing.’ She wasn’t the type who pinned to-do lists to her fridge, or even marked appointments on a calendar. No, Izzy was more a spur-of-the-moment kind of girl who was used to thinking only about herself and doing what suited her.
‘Well, you’re going to have to get good at it pretty damn quick.’ Serious-Helen face stared at her across the table until Izzy hung her head in shame.
‘I know, but where the hell do I start?’ She was so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of tasks and appointments that she’d avoided dealing with anything so far.
‘Start with this.’ Helen ripped out the page from her planner and slid it across the table. ‘Your midwife will help you devise a birth plan. You do have a midwife?’
‘Of course.’
‘Good. What about after the birth? Have you given any thought to childcare?’
If Izzy had had a proper mother, she imagined she’d have received the same grilling as her friend was giving her now. A parent who cared might have been able to help her out with childcare and hold her hand during the pregnancy. Given a chance, Helen would do the same but she lived too far away and had a family of her own to look after.
‘Cal asked me to move in with him. I said no. We’re just friends. That night should never have happened.’
‘It’s sweet that Calum wants to take care of you. If you had better taste in men you’d have snatched him up a long time ago.’
‘Yes, well, I’m done trusting men. I want to do this on my own.’ She didn’t, not really, but it seemed to her it was the only way to protect herself and the babies from unnecessary suffering.
‘Clearly you trust him, or you wouldn’t have turned to him for help in the first place.’
‘I trust him in that way, it’s just...’ It was difficult to put it into words when she wasn’t entirely sure why his interference frightened her so much.
‘You’re worried he’ll hurt you the same way Gerry did?’
‘Yes. No. I don’t know.’ He could only cause her that level of pain if she saw him as more than a friend and that wasn’t what he was necessarily offering. Although there had been that nod towards a physical relationship, which had shaken her to the core, but she wasn’t sharing that with Helen. The reason she was holding back was because she was afraid she’d get in too deep when she had even more to lose if it all fell apart.
‘There’s nothing to say you have to make a commitment beyond the rent to enjoy the benefits of what he’s offering.’
Izzy’s mind leapt to those images of them exploring each other’s bodies again, but she decided to play the innocent. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You could do the fun stuff that goes with being a couple without the headaches. A housemates with benefits deal. If it doesn’t work out you both move on without any baggage.’
‘Wouldn’t it seem as though I was using Cal by doing that? Besides, he hasn’t shown any interest in me in that way since I spent the night with him.’ It sounded feasible in theory, but Izzy was worried that was only because she was becoming desperate.
Helen shrugged. ‘He offered, didn’t he, with no strings? Trust me, I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I can read between the lines...’
This outside perspective on their situation no longer made Cal’s suggestion as ludicrous as she’d first thought. They might be able to make this work after all.
Chapter 4
‘Can I give you a lift home?’ Cal didn’t want to walk away and leave Izzy at the train station alone. She’d been very quiet since they’d waved Helen and Oliver off. Although the afternoon was supposed to help lift her spirits, he suspected it had been a huge dose of reality for her, seeing her friend struggle to look after the baby on her own for the afternoon. Not that she’d struggled per se, but it was very different trying to have a coffee and a quiet chat when you had a baby in tow. Something Izzy was going to have to get used to if she kept refusing all offers of help.
‘Sure.’ She barely glanced his way as she led the way to the car, deep in thought about something he wasn’t privy to.
They buckled up in continued silence and Cal was afraid she was going to retreat back into her world alone. Izzy had been let down once too
often and he wasn’t going to add himself to that list by shirking his responsibilities.
‘Helen seems lovely.’
‘She is,’ Izzy confirmed, her gaze fixed firmly on the road ahead. She was remarkably sullen compared to how buoyant she’d been in her friend’s company and Cal knew it was probably because he’d refused to be dragged along with them. It was one thing offering her a lifeline but quite another getting involved in her personal life.
Left to his own devices, he’d batten down the hatches at home and prevent another woman from setting foot in his inner sanctum in case she broke his heart too, but these were exceptional circumstances. Given Izzy’s reluctance, he knew she was every bit as wary about moving in together as he was, but they had to set their own comfort aside in favour of the babies. What they needed more than anything was a stable home environment.
‘Olly’s adorable too.’ The baby had been a reminder of his sisters and their offspring, who were scattered across the UK now there was nowhere for them to congregate with the family home gone. He missed being an uncle. He missed being anything to anyone.
He started the engine, resigned to the fact that Izzy was never going to agree to anything unless he fully committed to parenthood. Something he wasn’t ready to do and he wasn’t going to make false promises.
Then she turned to him and said, ‘Take me home with you, Cal.’
If she’d been any other woman and he any other man, that sentence could’ve been construed as a precursor to another night of passion. There was a part of him that still held a spark of hope that that was her intention, but he knew Izzy better than that. This was a sign of something other than a sudden overwhelming urge to bed him again.
He derailed the inappropriate train of thought, wondering if it was a sign he might not be able to take a vow of celibacy where Izzy was concerned after all.
‘Any, um, particular reason?’ He did his best to keep his voice neutral, so she didn’t guess where his mind had gone to.
‘If I’m going to consider your proposal seriously, I’d like to see the goods on offer. I mean, your assets...the house...you know what I mean.’ Her flustering combined with her heightened colour made him think he hadn’t been alone in his less-than-pure thoughts.
He resisted the obvious teasing when they were beginning to make a breakthrough. This was the first hint he’d given that she was taking his suggestion seriously, so he didn’t want to scare her off by turning it into something sordid. Whatever scenario his neglected libido had been conjuring up would have to give way to more important issues.
Cal had never been the type of guy to choose one-night stands over a meaningful relationship, but this wasn’t about him. Sex wasn’t something he expected in return for anything but if it was something they both decided they wanted as part of the deal, he wasn’t going to say no.
Although he was still wondering what had brought her round to his initial way of thinking.
‘Does this sudden turnaround have something to do with Helen?’ He’d be surprised if Izzy had confided in her about his idea and even more so if her friend had advised her to proceed with it. From the outside it would’ve sounded absurd even to him, and he got the impression Helen was protective of Izzy and probably the closest thing to family she had. Apart from him of course. If their roles had been reversed he’d have been suspicious of him and his motives too. Still, if he’d won over her friend then he wasn’t going to complain. Izzy would know Helen only had her best interests at heart, even if she doubted him.
‘I told her about the babies.’
‘Oh, okay. How did that go down?’
Izzy smiled for the first time since they’d been alone again. ‘She’s over the moon and insisted on writing me a pregnancy to-do list. It felt good, though, telling someone. Other than you, I mean. It’s like I’m allowed to get excited about this now.’
She rested her hand on her belly, looking more at ease with the pregnancy than he’d seen so far.
‘So you should. It’s a special time.’ Just not especially to him when it was a reminder of all the mistakes he’d made when it came to relationships.
‘I suppose we could be housemates, landlord and tenant, whatever you want to call it, but I will be contributing to the household bills.’
‘If that’s what you want.’ It stung a little that she wasn’t interested in something more, but he’d take it.
‘That’s what I want. At least, I think it is.’
‘I know, you still want to take a peek at the goods. I guess you can’t have too much of a good thing after all.’ He was rewarded with a playful nudge for his teasing.
He’d wasted time in a relationship with Janet when he could’ve been raising a family with someone who’d wanted to be with him. The whole idea of parenting to him had entailed being an active participant. From changing nappies and doing night feeds right through to playing football or driving to dance recitals, he’d been willing to do it all. Now, though, he could see the merits of being one of those back-seat dads. Izzy didn’t really want to be with him either so getting attached seemed a pointless exercise, but he could offer these children a home. For however long it was needed.
He and Izzy weren’t star-crossed lovers, but they had their feet on the ground and a more realistic view of life now they’d found out the hard way that love couldn’t solve everything.
‘I want to get a feel for the place and see if I can picture us all living there together.’
They’d be a modern family of convenience created by circumstance and friendship if not in the conventional sense.
Once Izzy saw the nursery and the potential space to raise her children he knew she’d agree to move in. His house would finally become a home. Just for someone other than him.
* * *
It wasn’t that Izzy had never seen Cal’s place before, they often called at each other’s houses and sometimes shared a take-away, but she’d never taken much notice of the surroundings. This time she wanted to see it from a different perspective. She was viewing his house with the prospect of moving in. With him. And their babies. Possibly for ever. Well, it had to be preferable to spending the rest of her days in that poky flat at the top of a flight of stairs, which she could barely afford. If she’d ever pictured this scenario she might have chosen somewhere with access for a twin pram.
Although that would have demanded an even larger chunk of her wages to cover costs. She had to face it, no matter what decision she might have made, the minute she’d thrown in her lot with Gerry, she’d been in trouble.
It was probably a blessing that Cal had thrown her a lifeline and an opportunity to raise their children in a proper home. One she knew would be a supportive environment, even though they wouldn’t be together as a couple.
As they pulled up outside the house she was already seeing the possibilities it offered in comparison to her own home. She got that fluttering in her chest as she imagined the green lawn littered with children’s toys and opportunities for the babies to play outside. A garden wasn’t something she’d had on her wish list when house hunting before, but now she could see how perfect it would be for family life. The detached house surrounded by trees and shrubbery with a driveway secured with high gates made it private and secure.
The size of the house, the grounds and the location made it a highly prized property but for a mother-to-be it was the scope for safe play and adventure that made it valuable. If she did a side-by-side comparison with the square of parched communal land littered with oddments of her neighbours’ patio furniture Cal would have sold the whole idea to her based solely on the garden.
‘Are you okay?’ It was only when he spoke she realised he’d already cut the engine and had no idea how long they’d been sitting in silence whilst she plotted her imaginary playground. It explained why he suddenly sounded nervous about having her here when she hadn’t showed him any sign she wa
s happy about it.
‘Yes. Sorry. I was miles away. You said something about a nursery?’ She unclipped her seatbelt, keen to do her virtual interior decorating too.
Cal didn’t waste any time opening up the house, probably worried she’d change her mind again. ‘Obviously we’d furnished it for the babies, so you can use anything in there or you’re free to put your own stamp on things.’
He led her up the stairs and she remembered the last time she’d followed him to his room at the end of the hall. That had been the moment everything had changed.
‘So, er, this is the nursery,’ he said, opening the door to a bright, beautiful room that took Izzy’s breath away.
‘Cal, it’s gorgeous and bigger than my flat.’ Which meant there was sufficient space for another cot to match the beautiful white cradle already there.
The white room highlighted with silver-star details mapped out an amazing bright galaxy on the walls and made a neutral space to suit any taste or gender. There were accents of pastel pinks, blues and yellows in the furnishings to break up the dazzling white, and the thick silver carpet underfoot was luxuriously expensive. Everything from the pretty star-embroidered blankets to the pine rocking chair in the corner festooned with plump cushions was tailored for comfort as well as appearance.
‘I’m sure you’ll want to change a few things to suit your own taste so let me know what you have in mind and I’ll get on it.’
‘Did you have an interior designer in to do this?’ It looked as though someone had copied a page out of a magazine, everything was so perfectly matched and positioned.
Cal picked up a soft fuzzy sheep from a stack of toys on the dresser and laid it in the crib. ‘No, it’s all my own work.’
Izzy took another look around and could see how much love and care had gone into making this room baby heaven. He’d been so buoyant in those early months, planning for the baby he’d thought he was going to have with Janet, and she could picture him painstakingly painting every inch of this room in preparation for its arrival.
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