Soon my main concern was actually finding Conquest. The arcade which formed The Arcade was so long my feet were getting tired. Finally I neared the end of the brick road and there I saw it: Conquest, in big deep red capital letters. Images of hot babes and ripped warriors showed off the promise of the higher levels of the game.
I put my hand on the door handle and noted the sign: 21+ Only!
“Seriously, twenty-one?” I shook my head, thinking society was getting awfully overprotective—especially since, in the place we were now, the worst thing that could possibly happen had already happened to everyone. I was thankful I was twenty-one, or depending on how you look at it, thirty-seven. I went inside.
I found myself in a little lobby, with earthy red carpet and ochre walls. A few players sat on a bench talking about the game, one of them raving about the bazoongas—his word, not mine—of his latest conquest. In the corner, a mousy young woman who would’ve looked more at home behind the counter of a library told her friend, “You haven’t lived until you’ve had a Level Nine inside you. I can’t imagine what a Ten will feel like. . . .”
I looked around and spotted the red velvet curtains that hung over the wall across from the entrance. A small sign above the curtains said, Enter Conquest. I went to the curtains, pulled them aside, and peered in. Pitch black. I couldn’t see a thing. I stepped inside, letting the velvet fall behind me to engulf me in darkness.
I walked slowly forward through the blackness. I noticed that the sound and feel of the soft carpet beneath my feet gradually changed. In a minute or so it felt like dirt, with the sound to match. I saw a faint light ahead of me and kept striding toward it. It got brighter and brighter, and I started to make out figures and buildings, which grew clearer with each step, until finally I was walking through the main street of Noob Town in breeches and my ragged boots, the sun high in the sky. I turned around. The blackness I had just walked through was gone.
Elise was nowhere to be found. Now what? I couldn’t expect her to wait in the game for me twenty-four seven, but I felt lost and alone without her, more of a noob than ever.
I wasn’t alone for long: a man strode purposefully toward me, his costume much finer than Level One would allow, and I suspected he might be an NPC. But then I thought, oh God, what if he’s replacing Elise as my guide? It was a horrifying thought. But he didn’t seem to belong to any of the playable classes. He had no weapon, but instead carried a sack.
“Be thee Karl, warrior?”
“No—wait, yes. I’m Karl.” I almost forgot my username.
“I have a letter for thee.” He reached into his sack and presented me with a rolled piece of parchment, bowed, and said, “Good day to thee.”
As he walked away, I unrolled the parchment and read the fine calligraphy.
Hey Karl,
I forgot to tell you to apply your Attraction points to your Face. You’ll get a little less ugly before you level up the rest. See you soon.
Elise
I did what she said, and saw on my right palm, Face: Level 2. Within minutes a woman approached me. Unfortunately she was the sort of woman I prefer would walk away. She was as skinny as a model, and I guess that would’ve been okay if she’d had a face like a model, too. I assure you she did not—it was more like the face of someone suing a plastic surgeon for malpractice.
She smiled, and I tried not to wince. “Hey there. Wanna level each other up?”
Not really. But then I remembered the women from the screenshots for Conquest. The sooner I got to the higher levels, the better. I sighed.
“Your place or mine?”
“How about that alley over there?”
“Sure.” Whatever. It’s not like I was going to stick around and cuddle. I followed her down the alley and she pulled up her gown.
We’ll get to the hotties before long, I swear, but until then just be glad you weren’t the one who had to work your way up. I’m sure you don’t mind if I glaze over this encounter; suffice it to say that I turned her around so I wouldn’t have to look at that face, bent her over, and did my business.
Thank God for eyelids. I tried to pretend it was Elise, but with an ass like a flat tire in my hands, it didn’t work. But just as I mercifully finished, I could’ve sworn I heard Elise’s voice.
“Having fun?”
I opened my eyes and turned over my shoulder to see Elise standing there.
“Oh! Uh, I was just . . .” I stammered as I pulled up my breeches. Elise laughed so hard I thought she might pass out.
“I sent you that note so you could get some better-looking women. Did you just say yes to the first thing that came along?”
“Uh . . . Yes.”
She shook her head as we left the alley. “I can’t leave you alone for ten seconds.”
“Hey, she wasn’t my first choice. I’m starving. Can we get some food?”
A few minutes later Elise and I sat across from each other at a rustic wooden table. The fare in front of us looked rustic, too, though once I tasted it I found other ways to describe it.
“This is awful!”
Elise nodded, tearing off a small piece of bread.
“Yeah, the food in Noob Town sucks. It’s all level-one merchants running the taverns.”
“I think I’ve had enough of Noob Town, then.”
“Well, what are your stats like?”
I checked my right hand.
Face: Level 2
Body: Level 1
Size: Level 1
Weapon: Level 1
Attack: Level 1
Strength: Level 2
“Oh, I can level up my dick now.”
“Wait, save that for last.”
“What? Why?” That seemed like a terrible plan.
“You can’t have everything at Level Two while you’re in Noob Town. So what you want to do is level everything else up, so you’ll have an advantage while you’re here.”
“Okay,” I said, skeptical.
“How many Experience points do you have?”
“One forty-two.”
“Okay, apply a hundred to Weapon, and then we’ll get that sword you took sharpened. They don’t sell level-two weapons in this town, but you’ll do more damage if you get your weapon polished.”
“I’d rather apply those points to my johnson and get that polished.”
“Just trust me, okay?”
I did as she said, and then I forced down the terrible food and we headed to the sword polisher.
A few minutes and a few pieces of gold later, the rust on the weapon was mostly gone and it felt sharper. A little chill went down my spine as I wondered what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of a sword in this game.
I leveled up Body, and some of the fat shrink around my muscles. I asked, “Now what?”
“You ask that a lot.”
“What do you expect? I’m a noob. Fine, let me rephrase it: what now?”
She rolled her eyes. “Now we wait until night and then you go out and grind on the monsters.”
A woman came up to me and asked, “Want to, you know . . .”
I realized I was now among the town’s more attractive residents. This wasn’t saying much. I looked at Elise. She shrugged.
“You might as well grind the girls too if you have enough Stamina left. It takes two hundred Attraction points to reach level-three attributes, but you can’t level anything up to Three until you’re a level-two warrior.”
I took the girl to the inn, took care of business, and then took a nap. When I woke up and stepped back into the street, the sun was just going down.
I spent the whole night hunting monsters with my improved sword and level-two Strength, acquiring EP and finding some hidden gold and even an extra life, and then I spent the next morning hunting ugly chicks. I nearly wore my Stamina down to nothing with my tiny tool, but by lunch I had 400 for Attraction and an increased tolerance for really unattractive females.
But I was also thoroughly tired of th
em, and tired of the bad food. And I was just plain tired; I had been up all night grinding and up all morning bumping and grinding, so I slept from afternoon until dawn the next day.
Elise was waiting for me in front of the inn when I got up.
“Are you ready to level up?”
“I am so ready. Let’s get out of here.”
We left the town gates and Elise said, “Let’s head back to the village and you can stash some extra gold at your house.”
At the little house, I stood in front of the mirror. Naked, at Elise’s suggestion. It still felt a little strange being naked in front of a beautiful clothed woman. My body was still not even as nice as real life, and my real body had not been all that great. My wiener was still as comically small as it had been since getting resurrected into the game.
I applied a hundred Experience points to Attack. Was it just my imagination, or did I all of a sudden actually feel more powerful?
Elise said, “After you’re at the next level you can apply your Attraction points to Face, or Body or, uh, Size, and level a couple of them up to Three.”
“Cool. Well, only one more thing to go. Or in this case, ‘thingy.’”
I shifted a hundred AP to Size. I watched in amazement as the pitifully small package grew before my very eyes. Still laughably small, but better.
And then my image in the mirror began to glow, and sparks of light like fireworks shot out all around me, and big bright orange letters burned on the mirror.
LEVEL 2!
When the special effects died down, Elise smiled at me.
“Congratulations, Karl. Welcome to Level Two, oh warrior. Art thou ready to take on the open world?”
I was ready.
Chapter Nine
Istared up at an enormous stone wall filling the pass between two mountains. A massive iron door barred the way, solid and imposing. Elise put a soft hand on my shoulder.
“From this point on, I can no longer serve as your guide.”
“That sucks. What if I have a question or something?
“What if? It’s pretty much a given with you, isn’t it? Well, you can write me. But I’m not allowed to tell certain things. And if you have any questions now, you’d better ask before you leave.”
I thought a moment.
“When do I get to use magic weapons?”
“Level five.”
“Okay. What’s to stop high-level players from bullying the noobs and killing them?”
“Technically, nothing. There are assholes in the game, just like real life. But it’s pretty rare. For one, there’s not much profit in it. They wouldn’t get much in the way of gold or Experience. And you’ll find that the higher-level players gravitate to the farther reaches of the game. The farther you are from this gate, the greater the rewards to be found.”
I had one last question.
“Will I ever see you again?”
“If you make it far enough in this game, we might meet again.”
I turned to the door and pulled the huge iron ring that served as a handle. The door swung open with surprising ease. I looked at the mountain path that awaited. I turned back to Elise.
“Well, goodbye. I hope I see you again. All of you.”
She smiled, and then cleared her throat and put on a serious expression.
“Go forth, oh Karl, warrior of the second level. Conquest awaits thee!”
* * *
I went forth, lonely without Elise by my side but excited as I headed out into the unknown. I had full Health and Stamina, a pouch full of gold, and a largely rust-free sword. Unfortunately my boots still had holes in them, and the left sole was in danger of coming off.
“I’ve got to find some new clothes. I forgot to ask if there were any maps in this game. And what sort of stuff gets you banned. And how do I know Digital Afterworld isn’t selling videos of the players humping to people in the living world? There’s for sure a market for that. That reminds me, I should call Mom soon. I wonder what happens if I stay in-game forever. I wish Elise was here.”
Before we left the village I had leveled my Face and Body up to Threes. Elise had convinced me that it would be easier to score with a good face and body, since the potential conquest wouldn’t see my small package until our clothes came off. It went against my every instinct as a man to not use the points on my junk.
It had been crazy watching my reflection in the mirror transform before my very eyes. The changes were subtle, yet they made a clear difference. I still looked like the character I’d selected, but now I looked better. My hair looked a little better, too, or at least less bad. But I still didn’t look quite as good as Ace. In other words, I was still ugly.
The path opened up to a vista of breathtaking scale. I could see the land stretch out for miles and miles below. I could see towns and farms and cities with huge castles. In one of the towns, thankfully a good distance away, a giant terrorized a town with a huge hammer. Farther away still, something dragon-like flew in the hazy sky and breathed green fire.
I couldn’t step toward this view, because at that side of the path was a steep drop. It forced me to follow the path around the mountain to the right, and I wondered if the scene below was just for show, perhaps low-res models designed to impress only from a distance. Well, whatever the case, impress me it did.
I followed the path winding down the mountain as I wondered how it was possible to render all this in such complete detail. Even more so, I wondered how they made it so that I felt every pebble under my crappy boots. I shook the thought out of my head and decided just to enjoy it all.
I rounded the bend to be greeted by a demonic wolf. I was certain it was the same type that had attacked me in the dark in Noob Town. It bounded toward me before I could draw my sword, so I kicked it in the face and it fell off the side of the mountain. Remember, it was a demon wolf, not a regular wolf; not to mention it was just a game. Don’t feel bad.
At last the mountains gave way to more open land. The path cut through a field of little yellow flowers. An apple tree grew up in the field, and climbing the tree with much difficulty was a small man in a brown robe. His outstretched hand was swiping for the nearest apple and missing repeatedly. I called out to him.
“Need a hand?”
“Would you mind?”
“Here, try this.” I handed him my mace, and he was able to knock the apple free. I caught it before it hit the ground. The man jumped down from the tree.
“Thanks, bro—wait, I mean: you have my gratitude, brethren. I am Bob, wizard of the second level. Greetings.” He gave me a stoic bow.
“Karl. Warrior.” My fantasy tone dropped as I added, “I wanted Raymond, or at least Ray, but they were both taken.”
“Yeah, I wanted Robert, actually.”
I noticed he was really skinny. “I see you picked the thinnest body.”
He nodded, a half-smile on his ugly face. “My whole life, I was fat. If I go to Verterria, it’s only gonna be to go to The Arcade to switch games. But I expect to play a lot of Conquest.”
“It has a certain appeal, doesn’t it?”
“Oh God yes. To someone who never scored in real life? Oh yeah.”
“When you say never . . .”
“I died a virgin.”
“Seriously?”
He gave me a sad smile. His wizard’s robe brushed through the flowers as we went to the road.
“I’m afraid so. Honestly, if I had to stay in Noob Town the whole time, it would be better than real life.”
“Damn. How old were you when you kicked the bucket?”
“Fifty-two.”
“Oh, that’s really young.”
“But really old not to have gotten laid.”
“Yeah, by that point I would’ve seriously started to consider hookers.”
He laughed and said, “It’s funny you should mention that. That’s how I died. I’d finally decided to see a professional about my problem, and I was so nervous I had a heart attack.”
> “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not kidding. My heart wasn’t up to that much excitement. She took off her panties and that was it for me. Never even got to stick it in.”
“Well, Bob, you’ve got the rest of your afterlife to make up for it.”
“Hell yeah.”
We exchanged a toe-bump and made our way down the road, ready for all sorts of action—even the thing charging at us now.
It vaguely resembled a rhinoceros, except green, and the horn on its face looked like sharp steel. We both jumped out of the way at the last moment. It blew past us, slowed down like a train coming to a stop, and then circled back. I unsheathed my sword as it charged again, my heart pounding as I stood in front of it, hoping my timing was right, and then I stepped to the side and swung the sword.
The blade hit the beast’s metal horn and snapped like a toothpick.
“Shit!” Which is almost what I did. As the thing began to turn back, I gripped my mace. It looked ridiculous in view of the huge creature that now barreled toward us.
“I got ’im!” Bob pushed me aside and stood in the beast’s path, frantically tracing a star in the air in front of him, faster and faster until his finger began to glow blue, brighter with every movement until his whole hand glowed and his finger burned bright white, and then he pointed his finger and a bolt of blue shot out and hit the creature square in the head.
The thing kept coming, and Bob only just jumped out of the way in time. We watched as the creature plowed on, then like before slowed to a halt and turned—and then collapsed.
Smoke poured from its snout as we approached with timid steps. Bob checked his hand and gave a victorious bob of his head.
“Killed him. Fifty points.”
“Nice,” I said, trying to slow my heart rate down to human levels. “I think I need a new sword. I hope there’s a town or something soon.”
“Me too. I could use lunch and some . . .” He made a crude gesture with the finger that had just saved our lives.
We carried on down the road. At one point a few of those skeletons from the training camp popped up, but we dispatched them with ease. After a few miles we saw a tiny town spring up in the distance.
Conquest Page 5
