“Check this out, yo—er, check thee this out, warrior: the Lance of Heroic Bloodletting!”
“It’s long enough, that’s for sure. But it looks really heavy.”
His lips twisted up with mirth as he handed it to me. “Test it for thyself.”
I braced myself for the weight, both my arms tightened, as he set it into my hands. My eyes widened. The weapon, immensely long though it was, weighed next to nothing. I could lift it held between my thumb and forefinger.
“Wow . . . How much?”
“Seven hundred and fifty pieces of gold.”
“That’s not bad, but I also need some armor, I think, and I only have nine thirty-nine.”
“I shall make thee a bargain: for all of your coin, this lance, plus the Helmet That Protects All, and one hundred units of Magic.” He thought a second and added, “I’ll throw in this dagger, too, ’cause if something gets past the lance end, you’re fucked.”
I emptied my pouch of gold onto the table.
“It’s a deal.”
* * *
I quickly discovered I had to be careful walking down the street with my new weapon; twice I almost speared someone on the tip by accident.
I decided to use the Experience points on Attack, bringing it up to Seven at the expense of thirty-two hundred EP. I was about ready, but I found a gold coin in the street, so before I left the city I went to my favorite eatery in Knarlsbro to top off my Stamina. I felt ridiculous walking in with my absurdly long lance; everyone in the tavern turned to stare at me as I tried to prop it up against the wall, finally using the nearest bench to keep the thing from falling.
I ordered the burger in honor of Bob and washed it down with just plain water; with the task I was about to undertake, my reflexes needed to be as sharp the point of my lance. As I chewed my last meal in Knarlsbro, reminiscing about my adventures with Bob, I hoped it wouldn’t be my last meal.
Chapter Twenty-one
Iemerged from the south gate of Knarlsbro—thankfully clothed this time save for my beefed-up chest—the Helmet That Protects All on my head, my little dagger strapped to my belt, and the long lance weightless in my hand.
Once clear of the city walls, I waited until nobody was around and then practiced swinging the lance. I quickly became accustomed to the feel in my hands, and was soon confident that I could direct the deadly point to any spot I desired.
Yet I wanted a moving target to practice on, and I didn’t have to wait long. One of those stingray-like flying creatures appeared on my left, coming at me with a screech. I twisted my body and speared the thing smack in the center.
Smiling, I shook the thing off the blade with a flick of my wrist. Another of the creatures soon came into view, and so I used the occasion to test a slash of the blade. When it came within range I stepped aside and sliced across the thing’s belly, the blade at the end of the lance flashing yellow, and with much satisfaction I watched the rear half of the creature gradually lag behind the front half until they both came crashing to the ground.
I discovered my target practice netted me an extra twenty Magic points. Well, I thought, if they’re shaped like that and can still fly, I guess they must be magic.
I was fired up. I was ready to fight. I was ready to win.
I strode forth boldly down the road, and twice before I reached the fork I was propositioned by passing women. Twice I declined. Right now, the only thing I wanted to stick it to was the monster that killed Bob, and I was going to do it with two feet of cold steel.
I reached the fork in the road and turned left, remembering the last time I took this path, how Bob had said it looked more inviting. It had been an invitation we were not prepared to accept.
“But this time, I’m ready. Got that, you hairy bastard? I am ready. I don’t care what level you are, or what you did last time, this time I’m going to—”
My feet abruptly stopped. Like a pair of mutinous sailors, they ceased to obey my commands. I almost dropped the spear. The thing was there, in the middle of the road, hairy, black, and wide.
“Going to . . . to . . .”
My heart pounded in my chest. I could hear the beating in my ears. I had forgotten how menacing the thing was, how terrible.
And this time I didn’t have an extra life. If the thing killed me again, that was it. Game over.
If I couldn’t win this rematch, the next time I played Conquest I would be starting all over again, sleeping with ugly girls and eating bad food and walking around in those damn level-one boots.
It was all or nothing.
But did I turn around and take that fork in the road the other direction, wherever it led? Did I run back to Knarlsbro and find an archer to help me?
No.
“This is for you Bob,” I whispered, switching the lance to my left hand so I could wipe the sweat from my right, and then willing my feet back to life.
The thing looked at me. It smiled. The image of those horrible blue teeth closing over my face and throat was burned onto my mind, and it gave me a sickening tingle at the base of my spine.
But I kept going, because I also remembered those same teeth tearing into Bob’s thin body, into his brand new blue robe, and I was pissed, and now my feet only moved faster, because I could hardly wait to reach that thing and get my revenge. The next thing the hairy monstrosity ate would be my lance.
As I came closer, the thing stared at me with those chilling black eyes. I kept walking forward, my pace never wavering. I could see its black tongue in its furry black mouth. I saw the spot on its shoulder where Bob’s faded magic had singed the hair, and the wound from my sword on its left arm now scabbed up with black blood.
The thing gave a low growl and I saw its great paws open and close, and I remembered the brutal impact of those heavy hands. I hoped my helmet really could protect more than just my head, because if it didn’t I wouldn’t be around to get a refund.
Nothing about this felt like a game as I came within twenty feet of the creature. The emotions running through me were as real as anything I had ever felt in real life. The fear was real. The burning desire to destroy this thing was real.
I stopped and readied my whole body in a battle stance, my lance serving as both offense and defense. I could sense the tension in the monster’s limbs, winding, ready to spring, and then it sprang, its fat hand lashing out. Involuntarily I jumped back, sticking the lance out to keep the thing’s body from moving closer, to keep that horrible hairy hand away from my skull.
It circled to my left, trying to get around the point of my blade, and so I circled right and then I gave a sudden jab of the lance. The thing moved back with alarming speed for such a thick body, and I realized almost too late it had closed in past my blade, on my right, and it lunged at me.
I jumped back nearly two yards with a single bound as I whipped the lance backhanded to my right, and the blade slashed across the creature’s chest with a satisfying slice and a flash of yellow and a spray of black, but the big left paw kept hurling toward me and smacked into my shoulder.
I went flying off the road, but somehow I held onto my weapon and rolled along the grass with my lance in my arms like it was a lover.
I heard the heavy steps pounding over the road as the creature gave an awful roar and I turned my head from the grass to see it leap off the ground, a million teeth gleaming in the sunlight, a million pounds of muscle ready to crush me, and with a mad scramble I brought the lance off the ground and swung it to face the thing about to land on me, and at the last possible second the sharp tip of the lance centered on the thing’s chest and the monster impaled itself on the blade with a black gushing of blood.
I yanked myself from out of the path of the falling body, but the thing’s arm came down on me like a brick house. The shining sun faded for a second, then my senses returned as the monster gave a terrible howl of pain and fury and lifted itself off the ground despite the blade of the lance peeking out a foot from its back and a waterfall of blood painting
the grass black. The lance’s handle had snapped in two, but I pulled myself from the ground and reached out for the two or three feet that stuck out of the giant chest, hoping to pull out the blade and send it back in about a dozen more times in a dozen more places, but before I could do that the big hand wrapped around my neck. The thing opened its mouth, intent on one last meal before it expired.
I remembered the dagger at my side and with my right hand drew it out and plunged it between those massive jaws before they could close onto my face with a nightmare of blue teeth. A splatter of blood blinded me, but the grip on my neck weakened enough to allow me to drop to the ground. I wiped the blood from my eyes, pulled the lance from the thing’s chest, and then drove the blade into the monster’s thick neck, sending a fresh geyser of black blood all over me.
“Die!” I roared, twisting the blade over its throat and arteries until at last the life left the hairy horror and it fell to the ground.
I stood there on the grass next to the road, coated from head to toe in black gore. A couple of merchants came by and when they saw me they ran, taking me for a monster. I looked down at the hairy black bulk lying lifeless on the grass.
“That was for Bob, fucker.”
Chapter Twenty-two
“NOW what?” I said to myself as I stood there a bloody mess. Not my blood, fortunately, though I knew I had taken a big serving of damage. My first impulse was to clean myself off, and I noticed a shallow stream running a short distance from where I stood. I was about to hobble over to it when I noticed the gleam from the leather pouch on the belt of the slain monster.
I pulled the pouch from off the creature and felt its weight in my hands. I transferred the contents of the pouch to my own, which could hardly contain the shower of gold that poured out. Also inside the monster’s pouch was a much-needed bandage. Yet the lifeless creature was not finished rewarding me for killing it: there was still a subtle glow coming from under the monster.
It took all my strength to flip the thick creature off of whatever it covered; it was like lifting up a sedan. But it was worth the effort.
For when I finally moved the thing, it revealed an extra life and sweet-looking mace. It was nothing like the little level-one mace with which I started the game: it was long, with a fat steel ball at the end. With a smile, I reached out and took the handle in my hand.
Except I could hardly lift it. There was definitely no way I could swing it. It gave off a hint of a deep blue glow, suggesting a higher-level weapon than I could handle.
But I wasn’t about to leave the thing sitting around for some other asshole to take. After I took the extra life, I retrieved my dagger and then hauled the mace with its head dragging through the grass. Behind a tree I was sure I could remember, I used the dagger to dig a hole, and I buried the mace.
“Be back for you soon,” I promised the weapon, which, although magic, probably couldn’t hear me.
I shuffled over to the stream, took off my boots, and waded in and scrubbed the black blood off my aching body. When the sticky mess had been washed from my skin and hair and breeches, I stood and let the breeze dry me and I looked at my left palm.
Experience: 13205
Attraction: 400
Stamina: 27
Health: 7
Gold: 1333
Magic: 9
I gave a low whistle. Before I faced the monster, my EP was a little over 400. If my understanding of how the game worked was correct, the creature must have been a Level Eight.
A pleasing elation at taking down a monster two levels above me went through my body, but at the same time I gave a little shiver: my Health was down to almost nothing. I had come within seven points of being killed.
I felt sure that without the magic helmet I would have been gone.
I perched on a rock and stuck my feet out until they were dry, then got back into my boots. My breeches were still damp, and they had been stained a deeper color in mottled patches, but at least they weren’t damp with blood now. I pried my broken lance from the monster’s hairy body, took it back to the stream to give it a bath, and then walked back onto the road.
I looked out ahead of me. The forest loomed in the distance. I had enough Experience to easily level up Weapon and Strength, and so that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t relish the sight of my six-pack fading, losing much of its definition, but with my Health almost gone I wasn’t taking any chances. Then I remembered the bandage and applied it. I checked out my left hand again.
Experience: 6805
Attraction: 400
Stamina: 25
Health: 57
Gold: 1333
Magic: 11
And on my right palm:
Level 6
Face: 6
Body: 6
Size: 6
Weapon: 7
Attack: 7
Strength: 7
I had enough EP left to take one of my bottom three attributes up to an Eight, yet I couldn’t do that until I leveled up the top three. And I didn’t have anywhere near enough Attraction points.
But, I thought as I strolled in the direction of the forest, I know how to solve that problem.
Chapter Twenty-three
Istood at the edge of the forest and stared up at the trees vaulting into the sky. Wondering what awaited under the sun-blocking canopy, I inhaled deeply, taking in a scent unknown from life and yet recognizing instinctively the smell of the woodland. I stepped into the trees.
They appeared to mostly be cypress, and very, very old, the trunks wider than the breadth of my outstretched arms, some of them much wider still. The strange song of unfamiliar birds punctuated the rustling of the leaves. As I walked farther from the road, down the path cleared between the rows of ancient trees, the air grew cooler with each step, the light dimmer. It was dark enough now to catch the glow of fireflies—a blue glow, I noted with surprise. It was, after all, a fantasy game, and there was no reason the developers needed to keep to the conventions of the real world.
The real world seemed so far away right now. I had been separated from it by death, and separated further still the more immersed I got in the game.
The sound of a snapping twig interrupted my musings, followed by a fast patter of feet over the foliage. I turned sharply toward the sound to see a creature a mere three feet high coming at me, with a dark gray face with red eyes, a seam down the middle, and nothing else under the folds of a pointed gray hood. I started to laugh until I saw the razor-sharp knives in each hand. And the two more just like it emerging from the undergrowth. I could hear more steps coming up behind me.
My lance was shorter now by over half, but what I lost in length I gained in maneuverability. I didn’t have time to turn around; the closest of the things in front ran at me so fast I had to deal with it first. I whipped my blade around, taking off the thing’s head and continuing the motion of the lance to swing at whatever was speeding behind me. As I turned along with my strike, I watched as the tip connected at a creature’s face, half slashing and half poking the thing in the eye. It made no cry as it dropped its blades and fell to the ground. I had time to spy two more coming from that direction before I was forced to turn around to face the other two coming out onto the forest path.
I only just caught the nearest one before it could get past my lance, driving the blade into the side of its head. As I shot the tip of my weapon out to spear the other one in the chest, I instinctively unsheathed my dagger and not a moment too soon: a split second later one of the creatures was two feet away and I just managed to stab it with the dagger before it could dice me up with its own blades.
I swung my lance around to cleave the last one from shoulder to chest. As the thing died in eerie silence, I realized the lance blade had given off its yellow glow: I had earned some MP killing the little bastards.
“They must’ve been magic users,” I said to myself, though they gave little evidence of this. A minute later I had an unwelcome demonstration of their magic: when I contin
ued down the path, one of the tiny things stepped out and produced a glowing star from thin air.
With a flick of the wrist, the monster flung the star at me. It whizzed past my head with a pink blur as I hopped to the side. Again the thing held up its hand and a star materialized, and again I made a quick sidestep as the star shot toward me—except I found too late that this time there were two stars, one of which I dodged, while the other stuck in my arm.
I gave a yelp of pain as the star faded into nothingness. The little fucker produced another star. Or maybe more than one, but I didn’t sit there to find out. I dashed to the nearest tree.
I’d hardly reached the shelter of the trunk when I saw the glowing trail of stars shoot out to the left and right of the tree and I heard a drumroll rhythm of thuk thuk thuk. I took a quick peek around to see five more stars buried in the trunk shielding me. I ducked back in time to avoid another barrage of magic stars.
I estimated the distance between the tree and the monster. If I could haul ass to bridge the gap right after it took a shot . . .
I peeked my head out and saw its hand jerk. The second I heard the stars hit the trunk I tore out from behind the tree and dashed toward the little star-thrower, my lance in hand.
Before I even made it halfway I knew I was too slow. The creature lifted its little grey hand and my stomach tightened when I saw the stars appear and I braced myself as the thing cocked its hand to send the stars flying into my body.
They never came. A flash of blue-violet shot cometlike through the air and smacked into the creature’s head, knocking the thing over and carrying it ten feet in an instant. I just had time to see the arrow shaft in its skull before the little bastard went up in an ultramarine flame.
Conquest Page 11
