by Holt, Leah
As a child, I spent most of my time alone, hidden from the world until the time was right. Groomed—that was the word Virgo used.
He was the man who had torn my family apart, and ultimately, he was the man who controlled my life.
But that wasn't the worst part. The part that mad me angry, the one thing that really made me hate life itself. . . My body was no longer mine and it hadn't been since I turned eighteen.
I guess that was a positive in this world. No one touched me before the law said I was a woman, but it didn't make any of this easier. A part of me wondered if that small detail was because of the man from years ago who had offered me help.
Was that my silver lining? A stranger who demanded women and not children?
Had his presence been the one thing that preserved me until I hit that perfect number?
Fuck the silver lining, my world was coated in tar.
From time to time, Machi would pop into my head. My mind would drift to that day, the one and only time someone had offered me their hand. And I did nothing, I said nothing, I let that moment slip through my fingers.
Sometimes I would wonder what my life would be like if I had said those four little letters; help.
It doesn't matter, because you didn't.
Slinking into the chair, I slid the shoes off my feet, pressing my throbbing heels into the carpet.
There weren't many luxuries in my life. So I took any chance I could to get some sort of comfort from the things around me. I would smell the floral soap in the shower, trying to remember what it felt like to be free, to roam without walls keeping me hostage.
I would listen to the men in the club talking, trying to grab little bits of normalcy out of their conversations; dinners at restaurants, vacations in the mountains, traveling with the windows down and the wind blowing in their hair with the bright blue sky overhead.
It had been so long since I had any of that, and it was getting harder and harder to remember it anymore. I wasn't sure if my memories were even real at this point.
Would the wind feel as good on my face as I thought I remembered it? Would the rain be cold on my skin and the sun warm on my cheeks?
At this point it didn't matter. I wasn't getting out of this place, not now, not ever—not unless an offer came along that was too good to refuse.
“Berlin, give it over.” Keeping my eyes on the floor, I handed Vinchezo the small cluster of bills I had grabbed off the stage. Counting the money, he balked in his thick Italian accent. “This is it? You're suppose to be the star, Berlin, but I think you might be losing your edge.” Tucking the cash into his pocket, he nodded his head towards the private room. “You're lucky, that room just saved your ass. Go on, get,” he barked, snapping his head.
Folding his arms over his chest, he leaned against the wall as he waited for me to put my heels back on and adjust my makeup.
“You're taking too long, Berlin, you're losing us money.”
“I hear you, don't worry, I'm going.” Giving him a soft nod, I ran my fingers through my hair and walked to the private room. I could still feel Vinchezo as his eyes stayed on my back, always watching and anticipating me trying to bolt.
That was something he didn't have to worry about anymore, I had given up on that a long time ago.
The last time I tried to escape, I ended up in the ditch for a week, with a broken rib and two black eyes. Each attempt to get out over the years was fruitless. I never made it any further than the front gate. And just like Virgo's threats, each punishment was worse than the last.
I had finally been broken.
Letting out a deep breath, I gripped the handle and opened the door. The black lights were glowing bright, the brass pole on the small stage was sparkling and twinkling like a precious piece of gold. The music crackled through the speakers, filling the room with a melodic beat.
I could see the shape of a man on the couch, his body pressed back, legs spread a few inches apart.
Standing in the doorway, I took a second to collect myself and get into the head space I needed to perform. When I danced, I felt nothing. When the men touched me, I felt nothing. And when they decided they wanted more, I still felt nothing.
I didn't have a voice in this world. As far as anyone was concerned, I was just a doll; a possession, a play toy, an object of desire and pleasure that could be used however the client saw fit. That's all any of us would ever be.
We're all just dolls.
I hate it.
My innocence was lost and there was nothing I could do to get it back. I was forever tainted. Even if I was able to escape, no one would ever want me. Not with my past.
“Come,” the man said sternly, flipping his shadowed fingers in the dimly lit room. His accent was one I didn't hear very often, it sounded more Western than European.
Stepping in softly, I closed the door behind me, knowing that once it was shut, I was his until time was up—or at least until his money ran out.
“Of course, I'm sorry to make you wait.” Forcing the confidence and complying tone in my voice, I strolled into the room like a woman on fire.
This was all a game. I was trained to pull money out of the customers, taught to manipulate them into giving me more.
But that came with a heavy price. I wasn't allowed to say no to their darkest desires.
Saying no left me with bruises, it left me hurting on the outside just as painfully as I hurt on the inside. I was already shattered, my heart a beating pile of broken glass inside my chest. It wasn't worth it anymore to ache on the surface.
Stepping onto the stage, I curled my fingers around the cold metal pole, swinging around it in a wide circle.
Thin tendrils of white smoke spilled from the man's nostrils as he smoked a cigarette. The end lit bright red with each inhale, dimming slightly as he let out a breath of toxic fumes.
Starting my dance, I wrapped my leg around the pole, curving my spine and dropping my head back to look at him upside down.
He didn't look or act like most of the other customers I've had in the past. I was used to greedy hands, slurred words, breath that stunk of strong booze, and men with no self control. The guys that came in wanted immediate gratification.
This man was none of those things. He was too still, too stoic, too calm.
He didn't grunt or groan, he didn't smile or lean in closer to get a better look at my body. He stayed relaxed back, his shoulders and body comfortably reclined against the seat. The only motion I could see in the dark was his hand raising to his lips to suckle the end of his cigarette.
Snapping my head up, my hair floated around my face, falling back into place. “You know in here you can have anything you want, anything you desire.” Holding the pole, I stuck out my ass, dropping my head to my feet. Slow and precise, I rolled up, seductively looking over my shoulder at him. “What do you desire?”
Expelling a huge plume of smoke, he tapped the ash head off into the small tray. “I desire nothing,” he said, his tone as still as his body.
“Everyone desires something, I'm sure you're no different.” Spinning on the sharp tips of my heels, I dropped down quickly, butterflying my legs open and grinding back up the pole. “I'm here for you, I'm here to give you anything you want.”
“You're here because I'm paying you to be and nothing more.”
My lips pulled up into a big smile as I flirted my tongue over my bottom lip. It was so easy now to act the part, to switch on the role I had been trained to play. It scared me the first time I recognized it, the very first moment I didn't have to force my lips up and they went naturally, a muscle memory from verbal and physical abuse.
“I'm here for you, don't deny me, Baby.”
The man let out a gruff chuckle, putting out his cigarette and checking his watch. “I have you for half an hour, let's not waste it with you talking. Just dance.”
“That's all you want? You don't want anything else from me?” Stepping to the edge of the stage, I ran my hands up over my breas
ts and squeezed them hard. “Because I'm good for more than just dancing.”
He sat quietly, his already dark eyes turning jet black. “Dance.”
The way he said it sent a shiver up my spine. There was power in his voice, and a part of me was afraid to not follow his orders.
But that small flicker of fear was nothing compared to what my owner would do to me if I didn't bring him more money.
“Baby, don't be shy, I won't bite.” Sitting on my knees, I curled my fingers over the edge of the stage and arched my back so my ass went up high. “Unless you want me to. In here you can have anything you want, there's no rules, no one to tell you no.”
“Did you not hear me?” he asked. I watched him through the smokey haze that was filling room as he gently slid his thumb back and forth over his fingertips.
Moving my legs off the edge of the private stage, I walked towards him, adding a little extra kick to my hips. “I heard you just fine,” I said, running my finger up his arm as I moved to his side.
Tracing his shoulder, I let my fingers play with the soft hair at the base of his neck as I leaned over to rest my lips against his ear. “But men don't come here just to see me dance.” Blowing cool air across his lobe, I saw his muscles clench. “Tell me what you came for.”
With strong fingers, he gripped my wrist, pulling me back in front of him. The black lights made his teeth glow bright and his eyes turn into the darkest shade of night I had ever seen.
Shifting in his seat, I could see he was hard, the tip of his cock perfectly outlined beneath his pants. Forcing my lips to curl, I bit my bottom lip and smiled.
“You're enjoying this, it's easy to see.” Reaching forward, I went in to grab his cock.
With fierce resistance, he snatched my hand before I could touch him. “I said dance,” he barked through clenched teeth. “So fucking dance.”
I wasn't sure why he unsettled me so much. His tone hit a nerve, it was so ominous and deep, my heart stopped inside my chest. My lungs hitched at his demand, and for a second, I couldn't breathe.
Taking in a deep breath, I gathered myself, forcing my body to do what it was being ordered to do. I wasn't going to go against what he wanted, he made his choice.
“As you wish.” Rocking my body, I gyrated my hips, moving my hands all over my chest and stomach.
“Not here, on the stage.” Flipping a finger, he pointed behind me. “I came for a show and that's what you're going to give me.”
I did as I was told. I danced.
Glancing at his watch, the man stood up, adjusting his blazer as his back snapped square. “Time's up,” he said, flipping some bills onto the edge of the stage.
Running a hand across his jaw, his eyes captured mine for a brief moment. I was frozen in place as his eyes washed over my body. The way he looked at me made my skin flush and the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
And then he was gone. The room suddenly felt colder, darker, emptier. And so did I.
I couldn't explain it in words, but I felt different.
Staring at the door, I bent down and picked up the money. Counting it out, he had left me over five hundred dollars. Far more than a single dance should ever cost.
Standing on the stage, I fumbled with my lip, not sure how to process exactly what had happened.
There was no talking.
There was no touching.
There was no sex.
It was just a pole dance in the darkness between two strangers.
Chapter Three
Berlin
“What did he say to you?”
“Nothing.” My voice was soft, but Virgo could hear me just fine.
“What did you say to him?”
“Nothing, I didn't tell him anything.”
“So you're telling me this man just gave you five hundred dollars and requested nothing else in return? You did nothing for him at all?” His eyes turned into tight slits, head angling in towards his shoulder. “Why would he do that?”
“I don't know why.”
“You're telling me he said nothing to you at all? He didn't ask you any questions?”
“No, he didn't. He just told me to dance.”
Virgo sat back in his mahogany brown leather chair and pressed the tips of his fingers together. His hair was slicked back, glistening with a thick sheen of gel. Sucking in his cheeks, his eyes flickered with distrust.
“Did he tell you his name?”
“No.”
“Have you seen this man before? Here or any where else?”
Holding my eyes steady on his, I shook my head. “No.”
Letting out an audible breath, he pointed his finger in my direction. “You're lying to me.”
Looking him straight in the eye, I forced myself to stand taller. “I'm not lying, that's exactly what happened.”
“Berlin, there have been very few times where you've impressed me. And each time I think to myself—good girl, you finally understand. I start to feel a sliver of trust, like you know your place here.” His eyes slowly traced my face as his mouth curled into a heavy frown. “And then you go and fuck it all up again.” Glancing over my shoulder, he nodded his head to the security guard standing near the door. “Take her away.”
“Wait, no, Virgo, please,” I pleaded, holding out my hands and taking a step to the side. “I'm telling you the truth, everything I told you was exactly what happened. He told me to dance, so I danced. He didn't ask for anything else, I don't know why he left me so much money.”
The guard attempted to grab my arms, but I yanked them out of reach. Taking long strides away from him, I flailed my arms so he couldn't get a good hold on me.
“I'm not lying, that's what happened.” Doing my best to stay out of his grasp, I kept moving.
I knew what was happening. And I did nothing to deserve it.
For once I was being honest and Virgo didn't believe me. It made me think of the story about the boy who cried wolf. I had been that boy once, and it was coming back to bite me in the ass now.
“You must have done something—said something—told him something to get him to give you so much money. No man just drops that kind of cash for a dance. Especially on you, you're not that special.” Virgo shot up from his seat, slamming his palms onto the top of his desk. “Now tell me the truth, sweet girl, about what he asked you and what you told him—or shut up and deal with the consequences.”
Holding my eyes firmly on his, I tipped my chin in protest to his threat. “Fuck you, I am telling you the truth. I didn't tell him a goddamn thing.”
His mouth turned razor thin as his pointy chin crooked to the side. Folding his hands into fists, his knuckles blazed white, pupils turning to pinpricks as his nostrils flared wide.
Hit me. Go on, hit me!
I wanted to tell him to do it. I wanted to call him a pathetic excuse for a man, a man who was so weak he had no other way to make himself feel good except by hurting women.
But I didn't. Those words wouldn't do shit. He wouldn't hear me. He didn't have the ability to feel compassion or step outside himself to listen to the truth.
As if he could read my mind, he pulled back his hand, striking me with an open palm across the cheek. The force of his slap caused my head to whip to the side. And still, I stood strong.
Twisting my head slowly back in his direction, I brushed the hair from my face as my back straightened. I didn't care that my skin was on fire, I didn't care that my eyes sizzled with unwanted tears.
You'll never own me completely.
Squinting his eyes, he tipped his head as if he was waiting for an apology, one that I would never give. It didn't matter what I said at that point, Virgo had made up his mind, and in his eyes, I was a lying bag of shit.
The only thing he ever cared about was creating fear. He wanted all of us girls to feel it, to endure it, to know he held our fate in his hands. It gave him a high greater than drugs, greater than having all the money in the world.
That power was dan
gerous, it was far too much for one man to have.
Except, I was his one failure and that drove him fucking crazy. He wanted to call me his masterpiece, he once said I would be his perfect creation, but he was wrong.
I didn't fear him, not anymore. When I was little, yes he scared me, I couldn't lie about that. But as I got older, the more I saw through his parchment like shell.
In the midst of all his torture, in some sick twisted way, I felt like he saw me as an extension of himself, like a daughter, only without the love and attentiveness a father should give. He would never give up, not on me. Because if he did, he'd have to admit his failure to himself.
And Virgo had too much of an ego to ever do that.
My resolve to listen was merely for myself, it was to save what was left of the girl I was, no matter how small that piece might be. I refused to let him destroy me completely, despite how broken I felt.
I was the lone sheep he had molded since childhood. None of the other girls had been with him as long as I had been.
Which was why I thought he hadn't let anyone buy me. If a man came to him about wanting one of his girls, he already knew the price he would need for each one. It was mapped out in his mind, who was worth what, and how much it would take to give them away. But I was still there, not once had he ever talked about my price.
That only came up once, not a number, not an actual amount, it was just a question about my existence in his home. His response was enough for me to understand my value, according to Virgo, I wasn't for sale.
Grinding his teeth, my silence was enough for him to know that our conversation wouldn't go any further. “So be it.” Snapping his head, Virgo barked, “Take her, get her the fuck out of my sight.”
The man jerked his body forward, wrapping his thick arms around my waist. I tried to fight him, furiously flailing my arms at anything I could hit. His face, his chest, his neck and back, all of it was exposed. But I might as well have been hitting a wall, it did nothing.
Tossing me over his shoulder, the security guard stormed off towards the door. Wrapping his arm firmly around my hip, he pinned me in place so I couldn't move.
