Not Another Lonely Christmas

by Ellie R. Hunter

  “No, just me.”

  Like I said, table for one.

  Her face pinches but she leads me to a table by the window and I laugh to myself, showcasing the singles in front of the whole world.

  I sit down and don’t bother taking the menu from her. I know exactly what I want.

  I give her my order and ask for her largest wine glass and to pour it right to the top with a lovely red wine.

  The waitress walks off and I catch her snickering with another waitress behind the bar, and the other one looks over at me.

  It doesn’t bother me eating alone, I don’t see why they think it’s so funny, we’ll see how funny they find it when I leave a shitty tip for their service. Or I’m being paranoid, and I need to calm down. However, everyone seated around seems to be in a couple, there’s no denying it or calling it paranoia.

  Rain begins to fall, and it becomes a strain to see out of the window as darkness falls too.

  The soft glow in the restaurant is romantic and still, it doesn’t bother me being here alone. I’d prefer to be here with someone, who adoringly stares into my eyes over candlelight and wine. But I’m not here with anyone and I honestly don’t mind being here alone.

  My wine arrives and shortly after my dinner arrives. I people watch while I eat and not one other person is eating alone.

  I stop in at the Dark Swan on the way home and it’s hell of a lot busier than usual. I push my way through the crowds to the bar and hold my place and wait to be served.

  I keep my jacket on as I’m only planning on staying for the one drink and lean on the bar.

  “Hey, you’re the woman on Flipped. You’re looking for love, right?” I turn to my right and one of the lads has broken away from the group and is creeping too close against me.

  His rancid, stale beer breath hits me, and I want to gag as it fills my nose.

  “Not anymore,” I mumble and move along the bar.

  If I don’t get David’s attention soon, I’m going home.

  “I reckon I could get you to fall in love with me,” he boasts and from behind I can hear his friends cheering him on.

  “Please, leave me alone.”

  I don’t make eye contact with him, nor do I want him near me.

  “Hey, you’re the one desperate for attention. I’m here, right here,” he slurs, pushing up against me.

  I angle my body ready to knee him in the balls when he’s thrown back and my personal space clears. It takes a moment to see what’s happening but then my heart kicks up speed and Jasper is on him and he isn’t alone. He has friends with him tonight and it shouldn’t be weird to me he isn’t alone, but it is. He hasn’t mentioned any friends, come to think of it, why haven’t I asked him such questions?

  One of his friends wraps his arms around Jasper and drags him off the arsehole and his eyes fall on mine.

  The prick backs off with his friends as David and another bartender push them all towards the door and Jasper walks towards me, alone.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, rubbing my arm as if I’m the one who’s hurt.

  “I’m fine, are you?” I retort.

  “I’m more than fine,” he smiles, and his eyes are doing the crazy thing again.

  “I had him handled, he wasn’t my first unwanted dickhead.”

  Cocking his eyebrow, he smirks at my language and I breathe through the frustrations he causes me.

  “I can imagine.”

  He encloses me between his arms as he leans on the bar and calls over for David to serve us. His deep voice carries over the chatter in the pub and David hears him clear as day. We’re served soon after and we slip onto the stools next to us when a couple leaves. I miss his closeness and it leaves me with a chill I don’t want to feel again, he’s messing me up and he acts like he has no idea what affect he has on me.

  “I saw what happened on your date,” he says, and I close down.

  I don’t want to talk about Connor or my embarrassment from the debacle. Especially not with Jasper.

  “He was a prick, you didn’t deserve to go through that.”

  “I agree,” I sigh. “And I won’t have to again, I’ve shut it down. I’m not going on anymore dates.”

  “You’re giving up?”

  “Yes, I’ve had enough. I think my bar is set too high, my choosing of weirdos and cheaters seem to be no different to before I made the video.”

  “It’s a shame, you seem to be making a difference to other people’s lives, if only it lasts a short while.”

  “I’m not making a difference to my life though, and not to be selfish, but I did do this for myself.”

  He finishes his drink and pushes the glass away. Leaning back in his chair, he drags his coat on and stands up.

  “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

  Slipping off the stool, he stays close to help me off mine and I don’t hesitate to hold his hand, if only for a moment.

  He whips my jacket off the stool and holds it up for me, and if I’m not mistaken, he leans in too close as he covers my shoulders and takes his time dragging his hands down my arms.

  He backs off and opens the door as I slip my gloves on and as I step out onto the path, snow is drifting around, but thanks to the rain earlier, it’s not settling, and I pull my hood up. The warmth from inside the pub fades very quickly.

  “These winters of yours are body numbing,” Jasper tries to say through his chattering teeth.

  Smiling, I hide my amusement and wind my arm around his waist for extra warmth.

  “If you wanted me to hold you, you should have just asked.”

  His laugh echoes around the quiet street and he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

  I hate that we fit so perfectly because now it’s another thing for me not to think about when I can’t sleep for thinking of him and this moment. I count every house we pass with Christmas lights and decorations in their windows to keep from obsessing over Jasper.

  “Didn’t your friends mind you dropping them for me?”

  “Nah, they’re cool. Listen, I don’t think you should give up with your search.”

  I wouldn’t need to if you wanted more, I think to myself.

  “It leaves me feeling crap now, the fun and excitement is gone. I’ll only be wondering when the weird is going to come out or the girlfriend is going to show up.”

  “The world isn’t that far gone yet, that you’ll be alone for long.”

  “It was never about being alone, Jasper.”

  He stops, and I come to a stop with him. My arm falls from around his waist and I tuck both my hands in my pockets.

  “What was it about then?”

  “I guess I needed to know such a powerful love still exists out there. I don’t mind if I never experience it for myself, but I wanted to see it somewhere.”

  He grazes his knuckles softly across my cheekbone and I shiver from the coldness of his skin.

  “You are amazing.”

  I didn’t realise we had stopped outside my building and as I struggle to reply to his compliment without it coming across as more than friends, I keep my lips closed.

  “Goodnight, Remi.”

  And that’s it.

  A cold blast is figurately dumped on my head.

  “Goodnight, Jasper.”

  I escape into the building and close the door on him, I don’t look back and I don’t move once I’m behind closed doors.

  Through the frosted glass, I make out his shape walk off and I exhale heavily. Plodding upstairs, I unlock my door and lock back up once I’m inside. I don’t bother turning on anything apart from the Christmas tree lights and look out of the window. He’s well gone, and the snow is still falling. My phone goes off and sure enough, it’s a message from Jasper.

  I open it to an invite to breakfast tomorrow morning. I type out an excuse not to go but my thumb hovers over the send button. Deleting the entire message, I type, sure, and hit send before I change my mind. I quickly write another message telling him where to me
et me and what time.

  I decide here and now, I will tell him how I feel tomorrow morning and if nothing comes of it, at least I would have tried, and I’ll never have to wonder what could have been.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The sun is shining but it’s not warm. The brisk cold winds whip around my face and I’m glad to walk in the café and find I’m the first one to arrive.

  I slide into a booth at the back and leave my coat and gloves on, afraid to brave my bare skin in the elements. The heater above drops its hot air over me and I slowly brave it and peel my coat off, leaving my gloves on. I can’t feel my fingers yet and I don’t want them falling off.

  “Good morning, what can I get for you?”

  I blink and the lady from the front table is standing at my table with her notepad and pencil.

  “I’m waiting on someone, but I’ll take a cappuccino and a black coffee when my friend arrives.”

  The place is empty, he won’t be hard to miss. I mean, I would notice him walking into anywhere, and I did. From the moment he walked into the Dark Swan, he’s been the one on my mind.

  When he’s around, you know he is, he’s just that type of guy. There would be no hiding in the background being with him.

  The door opens and the man himself struts in and I don’t bother smothering a laugh at the sight of him.

  “Oh my god, could you wear anymore layers?” I say, sobering up when he shudders.

  “If I could, I would. It’s so cold out there. I had to buy a thicker hat on the way here. I swear, I’m going to freeze before I make it home.”

  And there it is, the painful reminder he isn’t here to stay and that’s why he wants to remain friends. It’s not looking good for me, but when does it?

  Both our drinks are placed in front of us and his head snaps up as he looks at me. Surprise and something I can’t work out covers his face and self-doubt cuts in.

  “What?”

  “You know I take my coffee, black?”

  “We’ve shared many coffees together, why wouldn’t I remember?” I say, laced with a nervous chuckle.

  He shakes his head, not in a way he’s saying I’m wrong but like he’s trying to be rid of the silly thoughts running through his head. I’d love to know what they are.

  “I ordered drinks, but I waited for you to order food. That, I didn’t know what you would want.”

  He looks up at the waitress and gives her his best smile, and I’m jealous which is highly dangerous and stupid. She’s old enough to my Grandma and I need to get a grip on this new found jealously.

  “Can you give us a few minutes, please.”

  She’s lightened up since she dealt with me and I shake my head at the drastic switch from me to him.

  “Sure, call over when you’re ready.”

  She waddles off and the radio playing in the background is the only noise in the café to be heard.

  It takes him nearly five minutes to take off his coat and then jacket, and then hoodie, his woolly hat, his gloves and his scarf. It’s almost impressive how many layers he can put on.

  “Are you comfortable now?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow.

  “It’s the only thing I miss from home, the sun.”

  “Come on, you live in California, and the only thing you miss is the sun? Don’t you have family? More friends?”

  I hope he doesn’t have a girlfriend, not after we slept together and have been spending time together, fooling ourselves that this isn’t more than we’re letting it be.

  “I have family, and friends, I have a home and a job there, but I’ve fallen in love with London, it makes everything back home seem not so important for now.”

  He holds my gaze for longer than normal and I’m the first to look away.

  “London is a great place,” I agree.

  “And it serves great breakfasts.”

  We order two full cooked breakfasts and he answers a text that comes through. I decide to tell him how I’ve come to feel about him once he’s put his phone down and I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. It doesn’t help one bit, if anything, they get worse.

  I don’t want to be knocked back and with Jasper, I don’t have a clue how he’ll react, but this is something I have to do or I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life.

  “Jasper?” I choke out when he carries on with his phone.

  He lifts his head and then he remembers something.

  “Did you hear that Connor’s girlfriend finished with him, their fights are online, and everyone is following it. It shouldn’t be, but it’s hilarious and he deserves everything coming his way.”

  “No, I haven’t been online. I haven’t seen anything.”

  He passes his phone over and leans over the table to press the internet browser and their fight is the first page to light up the screen.

  He’s right, the girlfriend, or the ex-girlfriend I should say, is going in on Connor and she has a lot of support from everyone following this. My first instinct is to feel like this is my fault, like I caused this for her, but I stop myself. He’s the one who stepped out on his relationship, he’s the one who set the date up knowing it was going to backfire on him. I don’t know how he thought he could get away with it.

  From what I’ve read so far, Connor’s defence was he done it for the cash for them to put a deposit down on a house for them both.

  “I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it,” I sigh and pass his phone back to him. “You should never live in a lie.”

  “But sometimes it’s not a bad lie.”

  “All lies are bad.”

  Our food is placed in front of us and the conversation comes to an end and I’m glad for it, no one can change my mind about liars. My father didn’t leave me much, if anything at all, but advising me to never live in a lie has worked for me since I first read his note.

  It’s so true and I’ve seen it time and time again, people moving from one lie to another to keep up and the result is often much worse than if you just told the truth in the first place.

  “I can’t stop watching it all unfold, you’ve literally started a trend with romance.”

  “Like I said last night, I’ve made everyone else romance each other, and I’m left out in the cold.”

  As usual. I need to tell him how I feel. It’s now or never.

  “Look, I…”

  “You should go on one more date,” he blurts out and I can’t hide the fact I’m disappointed he’s said it.

  “No.”

  “Oh, come on, Remi, this is usually when you find what you’re looking for just before giving up.”

  That is true but I’m tired.

  “Actually, there’s something I wanted…”

  “Pass me your phone,” he says, cutting me off.

  I want to scream.

  I don’t move to pass it to him, so he reaches across the table.

  He seems at home with my phone and his thumb flicks across the screen. Cutting into my sausage, I wish it was his thumb I was cutting into, so he’d lay off his search for me to find someone else.

  “This guy, he’s called Elijah,” he says, stopping and showing me the screen. “He’s not bad looking, he looks like he’d know how to romance you.”

  You romance me, I scream at him in my head. Instead, out loud, I say, “He’s young, what is he, fifteen?”

  I look old enough to be his mother, well, aunt. A cool, older aunt.

  “He’s twenty-two.”

  “He’s too young,” I say, shaking my head.

  “You hardly look older than him, give him a chance. Age doesn’t discriminate against romance.”

  Christ, he isn’t giving up.

  “What does he plan on doing?” I ask, sighing.

  “Um, it doesn’t say. I’ll message him.”

  This is ridiculous, I came here this morning to tell him how I feel about him, and he’s so intent on finding me someone else to fall for.

  I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry, or perhaps lau
gh through my tears?

  “Hold on,” I say but it’s too late.

  “It’s done.”

  “If he didn’t say what his plans are, what makes you confident he can romance me?”

  The thought strikes me hard and I wait for his answer.

  “I don’t know, but something drew me to him.”

  “Something drew you to Connor and look at how that turned out,” I retort and know I’ve got him.

  “Fairs fair, but, go into this one with a clear mind and if you’re not swept away then I’ll drop all conversation of dates and romance.”

  There’s one conversation he doesn’t have to drop but I’m certain he’s not going to bring it up.

  “Fine, if this one doesn’t work out, I want something in return from you.”

  “Anything,” he promises.

  “I’ll hold you to that,” I promise myself.

  We’re going to have the conversation as soon as I leave my last date, because I know without a shadow of doubt that I won’t enjoy it, and all I’ll be doing is counting down the minutes till I get to see Jasper again.

  I decide to dip into my savings, it’s not like I’m paying it out to someone who’s romanced me, and I go shopping with Gabriella and Casey. Her sickness bug has long gone and she’s back to her sarcastic and rosy self.

  We walk into the third shop and the first department Gabriella wants to go to is the lingerie department. I’m waiting for her to spill about Michael but she’s keeping tight lipped and I don’t know why. Casey is off dreaming over the handbags and purses and I frown at my best friend, she’s never kept anything from me.

  “I decided to go on one last date,” I say to break the silence.

  I can’t stand it any longer. Since we met Casey outside the tube station, the only conversation has been between the two of us.

  “Oh? You said that cheating piece of scum was your last date, you were adamant you were done.”

  “I know, but Jasper talked me into it.”

  I have her whole entire attention at the mention of his name.

  “Why do I keep hearing his name lately? I think you’re spending way more time with him than you’re telling me about.”

  Just the same as you and Michael I think to myself.

  “Funny you should say that, we had breakfast this morning.”