I learned even more about what makes us happy at work as I delved into the studies of the people and companies who asked us to help them improve their cultures. These insights helped me understand what had gone wrong for me long ago in another job that ultimately made me unhappy.
Reclaiming Happiness, Step Three: Improve Your Relationships
A long time ago, I worked for a man who didn’t like me. Of course, I didn’t realize this at first; he’d hired me, after all, and must have seen something redeeming in me and my qualifications. But within a matter of months, it was clear that he didn’t respect, trust, or care about me.
I tried everything to make the situation better. I worked harder, tried to be as pleasant as I could be, found solutions for his workplace problems. But it just kept getting worse. In retrospect, he may have been threatened by me, or maybe he really didn’t like working as part of a team. In the end, it didn’t matter why he treated me that way. What mattered was that I became so frustrated and fearful that I started losing my edge. I stopped being able to do my best work. I lost my energy and creativity. Ultimately, I got sick.
Happiness is impossible when our relationships are toxic. Unfortunately, there are far too many people like my old boss in our organizations – and they get away with murder. There’s hope on the horizon, however, as a growing body of scholarly and practical research is showing beyond a shadow of a doubt that relationships impact individual and collective success.7 We need love – companionate love – at work and in life.8 We need to both feel cared for and to share our care and concern with others, to help them and support them, too. We need to feel we belong – that people like and respect us for who we are.
We do need friends at work. We also need to be able to see how what we are doing with people in our workplaces feeds our dreams, our very personal hopes for our future.
Reclaiming Happiness, Step Four: Reach for Your Dreams
In order for us to be truly happy at work, we need to see our work as an integral part of our present and our future. We need to feel that what we do at work helps us to get somewhere – and not just to the next rung on a career ladder.
When I was unhappy in those two jobs, it was difficult to see where I was heading. During my lowest points, I felt stuck and couldn’t see past the misery of the present. I realized, though, that to lose hope is to lose life. So, even when things were really bad, I tried to focus on what I wanted in my life, what I wanted in my job, what I wanted in my relationships. I tried to hold on to hope, to have an optimistic vision of the future, and to make plans. And in both situations, it was this vision and acting on my plans that got me through to the other side – and back to happiness at work.
My experiences of being unhappy at work led me to make some decisions about what I would put up with going forward – and what I would not. I also sought to understand the essence of what I’d learned and have come to some conclusions about happiness at work:
We must feel that our work is meaningful and tied to a purpose we see as noble. Work, it turns out, needs to feel like a calling, not just a job. As research has shown, we can experience work as a calling no matter what we do; it’s all about how we frame our experience and how we engage with our daily activities and with people.9 So, if we’re cleaning hospital hallways, we’re keeping patients healthy. If we are entering data for an insurance company, we are helping people get payments they need so they can go on with their lives. If we are lucky enough to manage people, we are helping them reach their potential. Whatever job we have, it’s up to us to see the noble purpose in it, to find ways to live our values, and to have a positive impact on people and the planet.
We need friends at work. We are fundamentally social beings; we need each other and we need to enjoy one another, too.10 Trust is important, as are respect and feeling safe enough to show people our true selves, our true natures. This doesn’t mean that we must share every detail of our personal lives with people at work, but it does mean we need to care and be cared for. Today, our organizations are our tribes and we need to know we belong.
We need hope. We need a personal and compelling vision of the future that includes, but is not only about, work. A hopeful and inspiring vision of where we want to be, what we want to be doing, and how we want to live gives us energy to face today’s trials, keeps us focused, and helps us to stay the course through good times and bad.11
It’s not always easy to be happy at work; I have learned this the hard way. But if we focus on purpose, friendships, and hope, we can find and stay on a path that fits who we are and what we want, while helping us to reach our potential and contribute to others and to the greater good.
Reflection Questions:
How important is being happy at work to you?
How do you define being happy at work? What factors contribute to or diminish your happiness at work?
If you’re not happy at work, does it really matter? Can you keep working at your job despite not being happy? If so, what are the costs? The benefits?
Using some of the conclusions here about what contributes to workplace happiness, are there any areas you could work on to improve your own happiness?
Notes
1. For research and perspectives on the relationship between emotions, happiness, and effectiveness, see: Annie McKee, How to Be Happy at Work: The Power of Purpose, Hope and Friendships (Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2017); Shawn Achor, Before Happiness (New York: Crown Business, 2013); George E. Vaillant, Triumphs of Experience: The Men of The Harvard Grant Study (Cambridge, MA; London: Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 2012); Barbara L. Fredrickson, Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the Upward Spiral That Will Change Your Life (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2009).
2. Annamarie Mann and Jim Harter, “The Worldwide Employee Engagement Crisis,” Gallup, January 7, 2016, www.gallup.com/businessjournal/188033/worldwide-employee-engagement-crisis.aspx.
3. For information on the impact of emotions on cognition, competence, and health, see: His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, with Douglas Abrams, The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World (New York: Avery, 2016); Jane E. Dutton and Gretchen M. Spreitzer, How to be a Positive Leader: Small Actions, Big Impact (San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2014); Richard J. Davidson with Sharon Begley, The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How to Change the Way You Think, Feel and Live (London: Hodder, 2012); Annie McKee, Richard Boyatzis, and Frances Johnston, Becoming a Resonant Leader: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence, Renew Your Relationships, Sustain Your Effectiveness (Boston: Harvard Business Press, 2008).
4. David Sirota and Douglas Klein, The Enthusiastic Employee: How Companies Profit by Giving Workers What They Want (Indianapolis: IN: Pearson FT Press, 2013).
5. Sarah Green Carmichael, “The Research Is Clear: Long Hours Backfire for People and for Companies,” Harvard Business Review, August 19, 2015, https://hbr.org/2015/08/the-research-is-clear-long-hours-backfire-for-people-and-for-companies.
6. Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee, Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence (Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2002); Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee, Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion (Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2005).
7. Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee, Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence (Boston: Harvard Business Press, 2002/2014); V. S. Ramachandran, The Tell-Tale Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Quest for What Makes Us Human (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 2011).
8. Sigal G. Barsade and Olivia A. O’Neill, “What’s Love Got to Do with It? A Longitudinal Study of the Culture of Companionate Love and Employee and Client Outcomes in the Longterm Care Setting,” Administrative Science Quarterly 59, no. 4 (2014): 551–598.
9. D. Rosso, K. H. Dekas, and Amy Wrzesniewski, “On the Meaning of Work: A Theoretical Integration and Review,” Research in Organizational Be
havior 31 (2010): 91–127.
10. Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relations (New York: Bantam Books, 2006).
11. Shane J. Lopez, Making Hope Happen: Create the Future You Want for Yourself and Others (New York: Atria, 2013); Richard. E. Boyatzis and K. Akrivou, “The Ideal Self as a Driver of Change,” Journal of Management Development 25, no. 7 (2006): 624–642; A. Jack et al., “Visioning in the Brain: An fMRI Study of Inspirational Coaching and Mentoring,” Social Neuroscience 8, no. 4 (2013): 369–384; Annie McKee, Richard Boyatzis, and Frances Johnston, Becoming a Resonant Leader: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence, Renew Your Relationships, Sustain Your Effectiveness (Boston: Harvard Business Press, 2008).
Index
A
Accidental Diminishers, 162, 206–209
Action/emotion reflections, 151–152
Advani, Asheesh, 241–243
Allen, David, 227
Amazon, 202–203
Applied quantitative research, 21–22
B
Bandura, Albert, 244
Bastoni, Elizabeth, 110
Belonging, 171–174
Bezos, Jeff, 202
Blockers, 201
Boeing, 74
Bolus, Roger, 21
Box of Crayons, 163
Branson, Eve, 78
Branson, Richard, 78–81
Bright future concept, 213
Broaden-and-built concept, 177
Brockbank, Wayne, 20
Built to Last (Collins), 82
Businesses. See Corporations
C
Carnegie, Dale, 72
Carr, Catherine, 129–135
Chief Executive Officers (CEOs), 194
Christensen, Clayton, 28, 165
Citibank, 120
CLIPS (Commodity Line Item Purchasing System), 117–118
Closed questions, 165
Coaching, 62, 112–113, 164–168
Collaboration, 127
Collins, Jim, 82
Communications, 54–56, 217, 222–225
Convey, Stephen, 81
Corporations, 11, 20–21, 66–69
Coward-consciousness, 186
Culture, 86–87, 175–178, 200–202
Culture code, 202
Culture Maps, 91, 161–162, 202–204
D
Dear Abby letter, 33
Dialogued, 216–217
Diminishers, 162, 206–209
Discovery-driven approach, 32
Disrupt Yourself podcast, 27
Disruptions, 2, 30–32
Disruptive Innovation Fund, 28
Doctors Without Borders, 130–134
Doerr Institute, 182, 186–187
Dreams, 238–239, 251–252
Dreamtime, 86–87
Drucker, Peter, 15, 71, 75, 90, 119, 192, 195, 218
E
Edmondson, Amy C., 173
Ego thinking, 131
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 161, 217
Emotional intelligence, 249–251
Emotional resilience principle, 75
Employee-employer contract, 99
Enablers, 201
Entitlements, 31
Eurich, Tasha, 44
Executive Coaching, 165
F
Fake Active Listening (FAL), 166
Fake questions, 165–166
Federman, Irwin, 44
Firestorm story, 88–90
Five-Color Calendar Test, 196
Follett, Mary Parker, 186
Ford Motor Company, 61–62, 74
Franklin, Benjamin, 42
Fredrickson, Barbara, 172
Fuda, Dr. Peter, 43
Functional integration-mission link, 98–99
G
Generation Z, 96, 100–101, 217
Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity (Allen), 227
Gift stories, 88–90
Globalization, 13
Godtfredsen, Taavo, 2, 41
Goldsmith, Marshall, 9–10, 62, 74, 110–111, 193–195, 244–245
Gray, Dave, 200
Greene, Nathanael, 72–74
H
Habits, 187–188
Happiness, 248–251
Heffernan, Margaret, 57, 65
Hesselbein, Frances, 3, 15, 57, 60, 72, 74, 183, 213, 215, 223–224
Hubspot, 202
Human resources (HR), 20, 22
I
ICAN Institute, 193
Inc., offices of, 71–72
Include everyone principle, 75
Innovation-friendly culture, 177–178
Internet bubble, 66–69
J
Johnson, Whitney, 2, 27–28, 235–237
Joly, Hubert, 109–110
Junior Achievement (JA) Worldwide, 241, 243–244
K
Kauffman, Stuart, 156
Kaye, Beverly, 123–126
Kim, Jim Yong, 57, 59–60
Kolditz, Tom, 181–182, 223
Kouzes, Jim, 44
Kuhn, Jeffrey S., 137–145
L
Leaders development of, 182–189
diminisher, 162, 206–209
ethics of, 223–224
evolution of, 14–16
future, call for, 6–7
good intentions of, 210–211
honest, 103–105
influence of, 21
insecure, 21–22
intentions of, 42
mapmaking by, 91
multiplier, 209–210
observant, 22–23
personal experience and, 90–91
promotion of, 5–6
storytelling by, 91
strategic, 143–144
structure data use by, 20
tribal, 178
Leadership action steps for, 45–48
Adam example, 42–45
characterization of, 1
circular, 15
defining, 5–6
evolution of, 10–11
family, 10
future trends, 13–16
hierarchical process in, 15
historical characteristics of, 11–13
narratives, 88
people first principle, 74–75
personal experience and, 90–91
personal growth and, 37–39
storytelling by, 91
transformative, 169–170
true traits of, 103–105
Washington example, 72–75
workforce-organization interaction with, 99–101
Learning from others, 152
Learning moment concept, 177–178
Lencioni, Patrick, 37
M
MacMillan, Ian, 120
Marshall, Stephanie Page, 57, 85–86
Maslow, Abraham, 172
Mayeux, Lara, 184
McArthur, Sarah, 221
McCullough, David, 75
McGrath, Rita, 115–120
McKee, Annie, 247
Mechanistic worldview, 139–141
Metal models, 156–157
Millennials, 96, 100–101, 216–217
Mind-shaping, 88
Mission-functional integration link, 98–99
Motyl, Pavel, 191–195
Mulally, Alan, 61–62, 74
My Life in Leadership (Hesselbein), 224
N
Narratives. See Storytelling
Netflix, 202
O
Obsessions, 52–56
Optimism, 242–243
“Order for free” concept, 156
Organization anthropologists, 24
Organizations, 52, 95–101
Osterwalder, Alex, 199
Outcomes, 187–188, 201–202
P
Paine, Thomas, 73
Paradigms, 156
Paradoxes, 23
Partners in Health, 59
People first principle, 74–75
Personal disruption, 30–32
Peter F. Drucker Foundation fo
r Nonprofit Leadership, 5
Phenomenological research, 125
Pichette, Patrick, 27
Pitjantjatjara Aborigines, 57, 86–88
Politicians, 11
Power, 10
Prahalad, C.K., 21–22
Problems, 229–232
Psychological safety, 177
R
Raman, Prakash, 147–150
Rational thinking, 131–132
Reed, Joseph, 73–74
Relationships, 54–56, 172, 250–251
Religious leadership, 10
Renew Blue transformation, 109
Resentment, 78–79
Ridge, Garry, 169–170
Rogers, E.M., 28
S
S-curve model, 28–34
Schurenberg, Eric, 71
Schwab, Charles, 80–82
Scott, Susan, 2, 51
Self-trust, 152
Self-understanding, 196–197
Self-Actualization, 172
Self-belief, 243–244
Self-efficacy, 243
Self-esteem, 172
Self-interest, 186
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey), 81
Short-cycling commoditizing, 140
Single-demographic approach, 188
Social media addicts, 229
Songlines, 87–88
Spiese, Mel, 58, 93
Sports Performance Research Institute New Zealand (SPRINZ), 34
Stanier, Michael Bungay, 163
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