by Gemma Rogers
A phone rang while I was downstairs, it sounded like a mobile and I assumed it was Helen checking Mum was okay. I didn’t ask, not caring if Helen knew I was here.
When I returned with two steaming mugs, Mum and I talked for a couple of hours about the years I’d missed. She told me about the stroke, how before that she wanted to move out of the area because things weren’t the same round here any more. Had she been shunned because of the accident? Ostracised from the community? It weighed heavily on me and I could see there were things she didn’t want to share although I pushed for more. I had to know the truth. Like a raggedy nail you can’t stop picking at. Eventually Mum relented and it came out in a rush of words, each one stinging.
‘No one spoke to us, we were ignored, no longer welcome. I had to give up the day job, they didn’t want me as a teaching assistant any more. I was asked to leave when the parents stopped bringing their kids to school. There was a kind of protest.’
I winced, seeing the pain in Mum’s eyes.
‘No one wanted me as a cleaner either, so the evening work dried up too. I had to rely on Helen. Times were tough, Jess, not just for you. The court case was a huge spotlight being shone on our lives, everyone judging us. We were hounded, someone even put dogshit through our door!’
My eyes brimmed and I squeezed Mum’s hand tight. I hadn’t realised I’d caused so much trouble. Naively I’d assumed it would be forgotten about once I’d been sent down.
Mum sighed and shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter now. You’re back.’ She gave me a slightly lopsided smile. Mum still seemed together mentally, although the stroke had left her body in bad shape. She’d lost some movement in her left arm and could no longer walk unaided as her left leg was also weak. She had a cane and a Zimmer frame, which she point-blank refused to use. Helen had carers come in three times a week, but otherwise she did everything for Mum. I offered to take her downstairs to watch television, but she was too tired. It was gone nine, so I helped her to the bathroom so she could use the toilet and clean her teeth.
When she shuffled into bed, I asked if I could stay so she wouldn’t be alone. Mum said she’d love me to, and I slipped in beside her, snuggling into the warm duvet and wrapping my arm around her tiny waist. She fell asleep in minutes, her mouth slightly open, snoring quietly. I lay staring into the darkness, soaking up the scent I’d been dreaming about for four years. The smell of my mum’s ancient floral perfume mixed with cherry blossom shampoo. I thought my heart would burst; we were finally together again, marred only by my anger of Helen for keeping us apart.
She’d lied to minimise Mum’s stress, I understood that. Helen would have been struggling to cope, overwhelmed by the unexpected financial burden and Mum’s ill health, while all the time juggling a full-time job. If I’d known, I could have sent money home, tried to earn more, at least been there to lean on. Instead, she’d shut me out, pretended I didn’t exist. The family’s dirty little secret. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to forgive her.
Watching the shadows dance on the curtains as people passed under the street lamp on the road below soothed me. My mind drifted, as I tried not to think about Mum being a prisoner in her own home whilst I served my sentence. A minute later, I noticed the movement had stopped, the light outside appeared weaker. Sliding out from beneath the covers, I went to the window, pulling the edge of the dusky pink curtain to one side, enabling me to peek out.
A solitary figure stood under the lamp post staring at the house, their head rising until it looked as though they were staring straight at me. My heart leapt and I ducked out of view, stumbling backwards but quickly regaining my balance.
Mum was still snoring as I edged forwards, returning to the window. The figure was still there, but I was unable to see who it was at this distance and from the angle of the light – they were part shadow.
I could make out the peak of a cap pulled down disguising their face and the shape of a puffy jacket. The red glow of a cigarette end moved in the darkness and the light of a mobile phone screen caught my eye. The figure lifted the handset to their ear before turning and walking away.
Could they have been watching me? Knowing I was inside? I’m sure they saw me looking out. Had word got back to Eddie’s friends I’d been released? My mind turned to Gilby, him shouting after me as I fled. A chill crept down my back and I tiptoed downstairs to check all the doors were locked. Once satisfied, I returned to bed, but sleep evaded me. Whoever was watching me knew where I was. What did they want? If it was to scare me, then it was working. Had I done the right thing returning home? I hoped I hadn’t put Mum at risk.
I woke in a panic, disorientated, and sat bolt upright in bed. Blinded by the light streaming through a gap in the curtains, I felt as though I’d blinked, finally dozing off around half past five. Next to me, Mum had pulled herself up and was leaning against the headboard.
‘You snore.’ She chuckled, turning the page of a battered copy of Virginia Andrews’ If There Be Thorns in her lap.
I rolled over to check my phone, it was almost eight and I had to be at work in an hour. Jumping out of bed, I cursed. ‘Shit, I’m late.’
‘Helen said you’ve got a job at a laundry?’
I nodded; surprised Helen had given Mum any information about me at all. I shifted from foot to foot, anxious to get ready.
‘Go, I’ve got a carer coming in later. I’ll be fine.’
‘No, no, I’ll get you sorted first, Mum.’
I ignored her protests and dashed downstairs to make us both a cup of tea and toast, delivering it back to her bed.
‘Can I use the shower real quick?’
Mum nodded and waved me out, her mouth full of buttered toast.
The shower was hot and more powerful than the one at the bedsit. I wished I could have spent longer in it. Roughly drying myself, I pushed Helen’s door open and saw the bedroom we used to share almost exactly as I remembered it. She was always the untidy one of us, clothes strewn over the bed, hairspray and make-up littered her vanity table.
Our single beds had been replaced by a double and there was nothing left in the room of mine any more. I pulled open a drawer, then another, before finding some clean underwear. A T-shirt on her bed with a band I’d never heard of caught my eye and I wrenched it on after a quick spray of her deodorant.
‘Mum, can I take you to the toilet before I go?’
‘Would you, love, thank you.’
I waited outside, offering my help as I pulled my hair into a scraggly bun.
‘I’m not at the stage where I can’t wipe my own backside just yet,’ she yelled through the door and I laughed. It was half-past eight and I knew it would be a miracle if I got to work on time.
Mum shuffled out and I wrapped my arm around her to walk back to the bed.
‘Are you sure there’s nothing more you need?’
‘Go, you’ll be late. Thank you for coming.’ She beamed at me.
‘Love you. I’ll be back,’ I called as I took the stairs two at a time and jogged down the road to the bus stop.
I paced along the pavement, waiting for the bus to come around the corner as the minutes ticked past. If only I had a car, but it was an expense I couldn’t afford. I considered texting Helen, telling her what a bitch she was, but it could wait. I wanted to look her in the eye, I wanted her to feel the full pelt of my contempt.
Finally, the bus came at 8.51 a.m. but it didn’t stop outside Bright’s until 9.15. I rushed inside the building, clocking in and trying to keep my head low until I passed Terry’s office.
Thinking I’d made it all the way to the warehouse without being seen, I slipped off my coat before Terry’s voice boomed.
‘Afternoon, Jess. Got a minute?’
8
My heart sank and I locked eyes with Karla, who frowned at me from across the warehouse. Putting my things in my locker, I returned to the office and saw Barry was there too.
‘Come in, Jess,’ Terry said.
I inched past hi
m as he held open the door and sat in front of his desk next to Barry. It was a tight squeeze inside, three of us in such a small space. I felt the itch of claustrophobia start.
Terry closed the door and returned to his seat.
‘Everything okay?’ he asked.
I nodded, as my pulse quickened.
‘Good, good. Listen, Jess, we need you to be on time. Most girls would kill for this job. You’re lucky, you know. Well paid, well looked after. There’s not an abundance of opportunities for ex-offenders, Barry here will tell you.’
Barry nodded on cue.
‘I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.’ I lowered my gaze to the floor, aware both Barry’s and Terry’s were staring at me.
‘Is that money still missing, Tel?’ Barry asked, his brow furrowed.
‘It’s not turned up yet. Know anything about it, Jess?’ Terry rubbed his stubbled cheek.
‘I haven’t seen any money.’
‘Okay,’ Terry said, and we sat for a minute in silence. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Barry and Terry exchanging a look, a wordless conversation between them.
‘I’ll see you here at five o’clock to make up the time,’ Terry said flatly and leaned back in his chair.
I nodded and, with legs like lead, got up and left the office. Sure I’d heard Barry sniggering as the door closed behind me. Tossers.
‘What was all that about?’ Karla asked when I ventured into the warehouse and began loading the dryer with freshly washed linen.
‘I was late, he wants me to make up the time after work.’ I shook my head, incredulous, it was fifteen bloody minutes.
‘Oh,’ Karla said, unable to meet my eye.
It didn’t matter, I wouldn’t let it ruin my day. I got to see Mum and that was the main thing. Things would be different from here on. Helen wouldn’t be able to stop me visiting, now I knew Mum wanted to see me. Who the hell did she think she was anyway? She’d get a surprise when she came home later, when Mum told her I’d stayed over, that’s for sure. Perhaps she’d come grovelling, but I knew she wouldn’t, she’d take the moral high ground as always.
The day dragged and the knowledge I’d have to spend an extra fifteen minutes alone in the warehouse with Terry made my skin crawl. I couldn’t bear to be anywhere near him, but he paid the wages and I needed a job. Had Karla been right? Was the money going missing a load of rubbish?
At five, the girls clocked out one by one, but I kept my tabard on as I headed for Terry’s office. He sat behind his desk, glaring at his monitor, his forehead shiny and hair slick.
‘Want me to carry on folding?’ I asked, interrupting him.
‘No, no. Come in,’ he said, waving me in. A sheet of paper stuck to his forearm as he lifted it from the desk, and he peeled it off his skin.
I swallowed, a lump forming in my throat. He stood beckoning me inside, nodding goodbye over my shoulder to Agnes and Hanna as they clocked out.
‘Take a seat, let’s have a little chat.’
I lowered myself into the same chair I’d sat in hours earlier.
‘The last time we had a little talk, I got the impression you didn’t really grasp how we do things around here.’ He leant back in his chair; fingers interlocked behind his head, round yellowy patches beneath his armpits on display. ‘So, here it is, Jess. I own this place and everything in it. While you’re here, I own you girls too. If you’re good to me, then I’ll be good to you. When I ask for something, you do it. Understand?’
I tried to ignore the prickling sensation behind my eyes.
‘All the girls who work here do me little favours and I do the same for them. That’s how it works.’
I wanted to ask what sort of favours, but I already knew the answer. The dread climbing up from the pit of my stomach told me all I needed to know.
‘You weren’t very nice to me in our last chat, but you’ll only get away with that once. There are a hundred other girls I can replace you with. They’ll be only too happy to work here.’
I bit my lip and willed my heart to remain steady, unable to speak.
‘So, I think we’re clear. If you wouldn’t mind closing the blinds and locking the door. We don’t want any unexpected visitors now, do we?’ He slid the leather strap of his belt out of the loop and unbuckled as I turned away.
I gave an involuntarily silent heave.
‘I’ll tell Barry.’ My bravado was weak.
He threw his head back and laughed, his round belly jiggling. ‘Be my guest. I’m not sure how much good it’ll do you. Listen, Jess, do you really want to find another job? It’s payday next week and everything you’ve earned so far can disappear like that.’ He clicked his fingers. ‘Kiss goodbye to your rent. Before you know it, you’ll be turning tricks on the street to eat.’
A single tear escaped, and I swiped it away. I needed a job; I couldn’t pay my rent any other way. There was no room for me at Mum’s and I had no idea how they were clinging on with only Helen’s wage. I couldn’t be a burden. I stared at the Kelly Brook calendar on the wall behind Terry’s desk. Her January photo, stunning in a pink bikini and white denim jacket. I tried to zone out, remove myself from the situation.
‘You also seem to have forgotten, any kind of misdemeanour whilst on probation could mean your immediate return to prison. Who knows what a snap inspection could find in your locker?’ He grinned and I bit down until my jaw ached, utterly defeated.
Now I knew what Karla meant when she said Barry had us by the short and curlies. They both did. I stood and locked the door before twisting the handle of the blinds. Behind me, I heard a zipper lower.
‘Now there’s a good girl,’ Terry said as I lowered to my knees.
I didn’t see Karla waiting outside for me as I rushed past, tears erupting like a volcano. I was still wearing my tabard, my coat and backpack in my hand, desperate to leave the building. I spun around ready to strike as she grabbed my arm, thinking it was Terry behind me.
‘Whoa,’ she said, holding her palms up.
I carried on walking, unable to speak. Karla kept pace with me.
‘Wait, come on, Jess, wait. Stop!’
I stopped once Bright’s was out of sight, leaning over to vomit by a wall before sinking down to the ground.
‘Here.’ Karla handed me a bottle of water, which I used to swill around in my mouth, spitting it on the pavement to my left. Next, she handed me a lit cigarette and I sucked in deeply.
‘He’s a fucking arsehole,’ I hissed through gritted teeth.
‘I know, I told you he was,’ Karla said softly.
I turned to look at her as she crossed her legs and folded down beside me in one swift movement. Both of us now sitting on the dirty pavement.
Her eyes carried a sadness I’d not seen in them before. I didn’t need to ask why. Terry said all the girls, and I guessed everyone had to take their turn.
‘He likes some more than others,’ Karla said, as if reading my mind.
‘We should tell someone?’
‘Who?’ Karla laughed bitterly. ‘No one is coming to our rescue, Jess. Barry’s in on it, the police and social workers don’t give a shit.’ She sighed and I flicked my ash on the ground.
A passer-by tutted at us down on the floor, an elderly man in a trench coat and hat.
‘What of it, Granddad?’ Karla shouted after him as I cringed.
I pulled myself up. It wasn’t fair, the system sucked. A man like Terry abusing his position to take advantage of vulnerable women and we could do nothing about it?
‘What if we recorded it or something? Got proof?’
Karla scoffed at my suggestion. ‘Why do you think our phones are supposed to stay in our lockers. You gonna wear a wire? You been watching too much TV, girl!’
I didn’t want to be around Karla any more, I knew she was right but I couldn’t entertain there being no way out of Terry’s clutches. I started to walk home, stopping momentarily to pull on my coat. It was freezing, but my adrenaline had kept me warm.
She didn’t follow this time, instead calling, ‘See you tomorrow,’ as I walked away.
What had my life become? I was stuck in a vicious cycle with little hope of any real freedom. I had to do as I was told because no job meant no money. Without that, I’d be living on the streets and I wasn’t strong enough to survive out there. Terry had us exactly where he wanted us. Desperate, out of options and easy to control.
9
By the time I got home, I was frozen, my bomber jacket offered nowhere near enough insulation for the temperature outside. January was bitter and even though February was around the corner, there was no let-up to the chill in the air. I showered, scrubbing my skin until it was raw, before climbing into bed. Wrapped in the duvet, I sobbed. An overwhelming swarm of disgust clung to my bones. My old friend was back.
Being on the outside was no different. I was still a pawn, moved around and used at will. Trading my body, but for what this time? A shitty job with low pay and a corrupt boss who took advantage of his staff. No, it was the threat of going back inside that made me get on my knees. I wasn’t cut out for prison and I did what I had to, to get through my sentence. I was too soft, too meek, too pliable and not much had changed. I screwed my eyes shut, willing the taste to leave my mouth.
I wanted Mum more than anything. A hug from her would make it all right, but I wouldn’t bring that to her door. I’d done enough already.
My knees against my chest, I rocked, trying to muster the comfort I craved. Eventually I got up and made a gallon of hot tea, scalding my throat like it was disinfectant. I couldn’t bring myself to eat, nor could I focus on the words of The Enchanted Wood that seemed to fly around the page unwilling to land. Tomorrow was another day. I just had to hope he wouldn’t pick me again tomorrow, that I hadn’t become one of his favourites.
