by Gemma Rogers
I stalked back inside, a chill running the length of my spine. It didn’t take long for Barry to show his true colours. Why did people in power often abuse it? My blood seared, but I took comfort in one thing. Barry was obviously desperate to know where Terry was, likely because of the money he owed him. The money sitting under my mattress, and, if Barry was eager to find him, it meant he had no idea what had happened. I imagined he was really pissed off his little money-making scheme had folded.
I headed straight for the toilets to wash Barry off me and found Karla inside, eyes red-rimmed.
‘You okay?’ I asked.
She nodded but didn’t speak, and still caught up in my rage at Barry, I didn’t hold back.
‘Seriously what’s up with you? What have I done to piss you off?’ I said, exasperated.
‘Nothing.’ Karla shrugged and I nearly blurted out I knew she’d put the ring in my locker. Instead I washed my hands, pushing the soap right up my forearms. ‘Do you still have your half of the money?’ she whispered.
‘Yeah, why?’ I frowned.
‘I might need to borrow some.’ Karla’s face changed, an expression I’d never seen before. Fear reflected in her twitching eyes. She was terrified.
I softened instantly, rinsing my hands. ‘Sure.’ The money under the mattress made me nervous. I’d got a phone, some new clothes and paid a couple of months’ rent, there was nothing else I needed. In fact, the sooner I got rid of it the better, it felt like a noose around my neck. Evidence tying me to a crime. If anyone found it, how would I explain away that amount of money, working in a laundry on minimum wage. Even if Karla never gave it back, I couldn’t miss what I’d never had.
‘Thanks. Can I come this evening?’ Karla sounded meek, the bravado which normally came off her in waves had disappeared. She looked drawn, her cheeks hollower than usual.
‘No, I won’t be home. Tomorrow, okay?’
She nodded and turned back to the mirror; the colour having left her face. I wanted to ask what she’d got mixed up in, get everything out in the open and get her to tell me the truth about the ring and if she was behind the photos, but before I could, the toilet door swung open and Laura bounced in.
‘There you are, Barry’s waiting to see you,’ she said, grimacing at Karla, who nodded and trudged out the door.
I joined Agnes back at the pressing machine, who proceeded to tell me about her mum’s dodgy knee she was hoping to get sorted on the NHS before going back to Poland. I nodded in all the right places, but my mind was elsewhere. I wished I could be a fly on the wall in the office with Barry. I hoped he wasn’t threatening her like he had me. Whatever it was, I had no doubt Karla would be able to handle him. I wasn’t sure I had the same constitution.
33
Barry called out to me as he went past, heading towards the yard, swinging his car keys around his finger as though he was a cowboy with a gun.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow for you.’ He winked and my throat tightened.
I hadn’t noticed the time; it was almost four and Agnes and I still had one more load to do. They were only tablecloths from a local Indian restaurant so didn’t take long between us. By five o’clock, we had everything packaged and ready for collection in the morning.
‘See you tomorrow,’ Agnes called as she gathered her things.
I hadn’t seen Karla since Barry’s meeting and despite everything I sent her a quick text to see if she was okay. In the short time I’d known Karla, I’d never seen her rattled. Not even when faced with Terry’s body. I had to remind myself that she’d stuck her neck out for me, got involved in something that could see her sent back to prison. Perhaps whatever was going on with her had nothing to do with Terry, the photos or the ring. Maybe I’d made a mistake?
‘See you in a while,’ I said, popping my head into Dan’s office on the way out.
‘Pick you up around six thirty?’ Dan checked and I nodded, trying to look cool even though my legs were like mush.
I punched out and waited at the bus stop, pleased when it arrived on time. I’d have around forty-five minutes to get showered, shaved and primed for the biggest night I’d had in years. Excitement mixed with dread swallowed me whole, emotions that were alien to me. My mouth kept filling with saliva, and when I got off the bus, I lit a cigarette, hands trembling. Christ, Jess, get a grip on yourself.
Taking a detour to the corner shop, I bought a bottle of wine and more cigarettes. I had no idea what wine you were supposed to drink with sea bass, or if the one I’d bought was any good.
Stuart tried to catch me in conversation as we arrived home at the same time, but I mentioned I had to dash as I was going out. Apparently, he was going to Mum’s for dinner. Helen must think they were serious if she was inviting him for a meal with Mum. I was pleased for her, she seemed less highly strung with Stuart around. Perhaps that was what getting laid did for you?
I showered as quickly as I could, standing on one leg as I shaved, trying not to cut myself. Once done, I smothered myself in vanilla-scented body lotion, realising I didn’t own a single bottle of perfume any more and I wasn’t going to spray myself with Impulse for a night with Dan. I left my hair loose, white blonde tendrils hung down in front of my chest like a mermaid, long overdue a trim.
As the time ticked on, I became more nervous, even a cigarette and a shot of vodka couldn’t slow my thumping heart. I feared when he came close enough to touch me again, I might have a heart attack.
At half past six on the dot, a tap came from the door. I grabbed my things, deciding last minute to pack my toothbrush and a spare pair of knickers in my bag.
‘Hey,’ he said as I swung open the door. He must have come straight from work.
‘Hi.’ My face flushed as he took the carrier bag of wine from me.
‘Let me carry that.’
I pulled the door shut and followed him to the car, sliding into the seat and strapping myself in.
Palms damp, I struggled for something to say, the tension in the car palpable.
Dan gripped the steering wheel tightly and I pressed my knees together.
‘Are you hungry?’ Dan asked and my stomach rumbled on cue.
‘Yes. Always. Did you just finish?’
‘Yeah, I had some paperwork to do. Trying to find anything in that place is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Terry wasn’t exactly the most organised of people.’ Dan’s jaw clenched and I saw lines etched into his forehead. Running Bright’s was taking its toll.
‘Has there been any news on your brother?’
‘Yes, actually.’
My stomach somersaulted, but I had to wait for Dan to navigate the roundabout before he continued. Had they found the hidden camera?
‘There’s been a sighting in Portsmouth of all places, the police seem to think it could be significant, so they are following up. I told you he’d be off, probably shacked up with some prostitute who’s bleeding him – no, wait – us, dry.’ Dan shook his head, gripping the steering wheel tighter. ‘It’s Kim I feel sorry for, she’s beside herself. They’re mortgaged up to the hilt and he’s done a runner, selfish bastard. You would think he was the younger brother, not me. I’m here trying to hold everything together whilst he’s off getting his nuts wet!’ Dan sounded angry, he seemed convinced no harm had befallen Terry but that another woman was the cause of his disappearance.
I sank deeper into my seat, the slow spread of relief flooding my veins. With Dan believing Terry was hiding out somewhere I was able to push thoughts of him to the back of my mind. Turning my attention back to the moment my stomach swirled with nervous anticipation as we neared our destination.
We got to the maisonette with its picture-perfect garden and made our way down the side to Dan’s front door.
‘You okay?’ he asked, sliding the key in, and although I felt like I was at the top of a roller coaster about to take its first drop, I tried not to let it show.
‘Yeah, sure.’ I flicked my hair over my shoulder, hoping my
bravado would cover the jitters I felt.
The inside looked the same as when I’d last been there, with the addition of a few of Dan’s things dotted around; his jacket draped over a chair, a plate on the draining board and some kettlebells in the corner of the lounge.
‘I’ll put your wine in to chill. This one has been in since yesterday, fancy a glass?’ Dan put my bottle into the fridge and retrieved a Sauvignon Blanc.
‘Sure,’ I replied, grateful for something to calm the nerves.
Dan opened the bottle and poured two glasses. He tapped his phone and music filled the room, blasting out from speakers in the corners before he turned it down, Amy Winehouse providing us with some background noise.
‘Do you mind if I just run through the shower?’ Dan asked, already undoing his collar as he turned the oven on to warm up.
‘Sure,’ I said again, my voice a higher pitch than necessary. My face burned. Why was I being so awkward? It was going to be fine.
He left the room and I heard the shower start up. I blinked away the image of Dan undressing that had popped into my head and took a gulp of wine. Could I smoke in here? I didn’t want to assume. Instead I necked the rest of my glass and poured another, a half-measure, forcing myself away from the bottle to wander around the lounge. There were no photos or mementos, but I guessed it was a bit early. He’d only moved in a few days ago. Perhaps all his stuff was still in Scotland?
I stared out of the window, onto the pretty striped lawn. The street below was quiet, large brightly lit houses lined the pavement, all bay windows and glossy front doors. It was miles away from anywhere I’d ever lived. Far too upmarket for me.
‘Want a top-up?’ Dan’s voice came from behind me. He was in the kitchen, rubbing his head with a towel, a grey T-shirt crinkled on his body where it had been put on damp skin.
‘No, I’m fine thanks.’
He nodded and got the fish out of the fridge, already prepped, covered with a marinade and on a tray.
I strolled over, sitting at the breakfast bar so I could watch him work as he padded around the kitchen in bare feet.
‘So what did you do, before coming down here?’ I asked.
‘Still Bright’s but other aspects of the business. Buying and selling industrial machines, that kind of thing. It kept me moving about a lot. Terry wanted to lay down roots and I was happy to keep travelling.’ He pulled open the fridge and rummaged in the salad drawer.
‘Do you cook often?’ I asked, as he rinsed some Tenderstem broccoli and new potatoes, tossing them onto the tray with the marinade. A drizzle of oil and salt and pepper and he slid it into the oven.
‘Nah, not really. No point when there’s only me. You?’
‘Same.’ I didn’t want to admit the only cooking apparatus I owned was a microwave and most of my meals now came out of plastic cartons.
He took a large mouthful of wine and came around to join me on the next stool, spinning around so we were facing each other, our knees almost touching.
‘So, how was your day?’ he asked.
‘Not bad, except the pressing machine had it in for me,’ I said, raising my thumb and showing Dan the blister that had formed there, a little bubble protecting the skin healing beneath.
‘Ouch, looks painful.’ He took my thumb and raised it to his lips, and I held my breath. His gaze was intense and my whole body tingled in anticipation. ‘All better now,’ he whispered.
I put my glass down and pulled his face towards mine. Dinner forgotten.
34
Dan managed to untangle himself from me long enough to turn the oven off before I dragged him to the bedroom. It was just as Ashley said, Dan was a gentleman, checking I was okay, if I was ready. I’d waited twenty-two years to feel something like the attraction I felt for Dan and now it had arrived, it was a force I couldn’t contain. Thankfully he looked nothing like his brother and at no point did my assault cross my mind. The consensual act between Dan and I was so far removed from my time spent in Terry’s office it didn’t haunt me like I thought it might. My only concern was that Dan didn’t spurn my advances like last time. I wasn’t sure my ego would survive but he was easily persuaded.
Afterwards I was a little sore, my body used in ways it hadn’t been before, but the elation as I stared at the ceiling, skin glowing, made it worthwhile.
‘I better put the dinner back on.’ Dan laughed, pulling on his boxer shorts and bustling out of the room.
I sighed, a calmness trickling through my veins as I fought the urge to sleep. I could still feel him there, between my legs, the sensation so strange I reached down to check.
‘Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?’ Dan came back and crawled in beside me, slipping his arm under my head and pulling me in for a cuddle.
‘No, it was fine.’
‘Wow, what an endorsement!’ Dan coughed as I laughed, squeezing his side as he tried to jerk out of my grasp.
‘I didn’t mean it like that.’
We lay for a while, staring at the ceiling, Dan’s fingers twisting a strand of my hair over and over.
‘Do we have to get up yet?’ I asked.
‘The oven timer is set to go off when it’s done, so, no, you can snooze for as long as you like.’
‘Good.’ I closed my eyes for a second, enjoying being held, knowing whatever happened, I’d have this connection to Dan forever.
I dozed off, the clattering of plates in the kitchen brought me round. Initially confused about where I was as the bed was empty.
‘Ah, you’re awake. Dinner is served.’ Dan poked his head around the door.
I blinked rapidly, trying to shake myself out of my stupor. Groggily, I poured myself into my clothes, glancing in the mirror before I left the bedroom, wondering if a more mature Jess would look back. Although I felt different on the inside, like a woman rather than just a girl, there’d been no physical change.
Hurrying to the table I sat down. The sea bass looked delicious, although I was apprehensive whether I’d like it or not. In prison you learn not to be fussy, you eat what you’re given, or you don’t, simple as that. I ate most things, unless I saw someone spit in the food, which happened on occasion.
Dan poured the wine and picked up his knife and fork. I did the same, steeling myself for the fish. It was one of many firsts tonight.
‘Can I ask a personal question?’ Dan’s eyes were piercing, and I nodded, my mouth full.
‘What were you in for?’ It was the question I’d been waiting for, the one everyone always wanted to know as soon as they found out you’d been in prison.
I finished my mouthful and laid down my fork. ‘I killed someone.’
Dan froze mid-chew, wide-eyed, and I stifled a laugh, which would have been wholly inappropriate.
‘Accidentally,’ I added, and Dan slowly resumed chewing. Did he think he’d just slept with a cold-blooded murderer?
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ he mumbled, like he regretted bringing it up after all.
‘I had a car accident, drove into a tree and killed my best friend’s boyfriend.’ I looked away, the mood dipped, an awkward moment in an otherwise pleasant evening.
Dan put his cutlery down and reached for my hand. ‘That must have been awful. For everyone.’ His eyes were sincere, and he stroked my palm. His kindness overwhelmed me, and I leaned back in my seat. It gave me the courage to say more, knowing I wasn’t being judged.
‘I got sentenced to four years. I had the accident when I was seventeen, I’d only been driving a few months, but by the time I was sent down, I’d already turned eighteen. Even I’m not sure it was enough, but that’s what they gave me.’ I remembered the cold courtroom, the too large blouse they’d given me to wear. How someone in the gallery screamed like a banshee when my sentence was read. An inhuman howl of pain and anguish. I pushed the memory away.
We resumed eating, the silence stretching out for a minute until I tried to lighten the mood.
‘You’re surrounded by criminals, you kno
w. Doesn’t it make you uneasy?’ I smiled and Dan feigned a laugh.
‘Not really, I don’t think of it like that, although I might now!’
The sea bass was lovely, and I cleared my plate with ease. Dan had cheesecakes for dessert in little glass dishes, just enough to give a hit of sweetness after a meal.
I leaned back and rubbed my stomach.
‘That was delicious, thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘Is this all your stuff? Are you waiting for a delivery or something?’ I asked, looking around at the sparse room.
‘This is it. Terry has some stuff in his garage that was left at my parents, but because I move around so much, I tend to travel pretty light.’
I chewed my lip, realising Dan had little family left alive bar his niece. Guilt gnawed at me from within. He refilled our glasses and took the plates to the sink.
‘I can wash up,’ I offered.
‘No, absolutely not, you’re my guest. Anyway, I can think of a much better use of your time.’ The corners of his mouth drew up, cheeks a rosy red.
‘Oh really?’ I said in the most seductive tone I could manage.
I woke bolt upright at a sound from the street below. Foxes screeching, their mating sound was like nails across a blackboard. I rubbed my throbbing head and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, standing up to search for water. Dan snored lightly behind me, the duvet barely covering his naked body. It looked like I’d stolen the covers.
There was no question whether I should spend the night. It wasn’t discussed. I saw from my phone it was three in the morning. Dazed, I stubbed my toe on the corner of the bed and bit my tongue, inwardly howling, and hobbled onward. The bathroom light had been left on, so I drank straight from the tap, lapping up the cool water and soothing my throat.
Sitting on the toilet, I unlocked my screen to see I had four missed calls from Karla throughout the evening, the last one at ten, but she’d left no voicemail. I couldn’t call her back now; it was way too late, but I hoped she was okay. I sent a text just in case. If her phone wasn’t switched off, she’d probably have it on silent like mine, so I wouldn’t wake her. I sent another text to Ashley, just to let her know I was safe and Dan had been the perfect gentleman. Yawning, I finished peeing and made my way back to bed.
