by Gemma Rogers
‘I don’t know, Mum. Everything I touch seems to go wrong. I’m tainted, I’ll always be tainted. It’ll stay with me forever, follow me everywhere.’
‘Yes, yes it will. Until you learn to forgive yourself. You had an accident, made a mistake and someone died. That will never change, but you’ve paid your debt to society. I love you; you know I do, I always will, but it was a mistake to come back here.’
I gasped and she shook her head.
‘For you, only for you. There are too many memories, too many people who know your business. How will you ever move on and rebuild with that death looming over you?’
I stood, wiping my tears and gave a solitary nod. Mum was right, she always was.
‘I’ll stick the kettle on, do you want one?’
Mum shook her head and picked up her small teacup, taking a slurp.
‘Has the carer been in?’ I shouted from the kitchen.
‘No, Helen popped home at lunchtime,’ Mum called back.
My jaw tightened, no doubt she’d already reported the burglary to Mum. Maybe she was right, Karla too, once I was signed off from probation perhaps a new start was what I needed. Somewhere nobody knew me, or what I’d done.
Terry’s disappearance hung over me like a storm cloud, threatening to break at any second. We weren’t in the clear yet, not by any stretch. Dan would have more questions and maybe he’d start joining the dots. I knew I had to be strong, stick to the plan, say nothing to no one. Even if Karla and I weren’t on the same side any more, she didn’t want to go back to prison any more than I did.
I made the tea and went outside for a cigarette, my head throbbing. I hadn’t cried so much in years, not since my first night inside, when realisation hit I’d be in that cell for the next four years. Or the night of the accident where it all started, when they couldn’t get a pulse from Eddie and Ashley wouldn’t stop screaming.
I rolled the cigarette around between my thumb and forefinger, staring at the overgrown grass. Perhaps I should offer to cut it, but I knew the ground was too wet. In the summer, Mum would be in the garden all the time, soaking up the sun. Well, she used to. Did I really want to leave the area? Leave her behind?
A knock at the door jolted me from my thoughts and I stubbed my cigarette out.
‘It’s Donna,’ Mum called as I passed the sitting room. I’d forgotten she was coming.
‘Jess! Hi, how are you?’ Donna, Mum’s hairdresser, stepped over the threshold and dropped her box of tools, throwing her arms around me. She’d been cutting mine and Helen’s hair since we were children and every two months or so without fail she’d perm and highlight Mum’s hair, with a trim in between.
‘I’m fine thanks, Donna, how are you? You look well.’ Donna never seemed to age, her red hair almost reached her backside, hung from a ponytail.
‘Good thank you, it’s all the yoga I do, you know, good for the mind and body!’
‘I’ll make tea,’ I offered, putting the kettle on again.
I helped Mum onto one of the kitchen chairs and Donna wrapped the black cloak around her. She sprayed her hair with a water bottle, combing it through. It must be only a trim today. Mum and Donna chatted about her eldest son, Matt, who’d started his own business. Pride radiated off Donna, rippling into the atmosphere. Did Mum ever speak about me like that? Doubtful, how could she be proud of me?
‘How about you, Jess? If you don’t mind me saying, your hair looks like it hasn’t been cut in ages.’
‘No, it hasn’t. If you’ve got time, I’d love a couple of inches off,’ I said, grabbing a handful and brushing the split ends against my palm.
I finished the tea and left Donna and Mum to it, going back outside for a smoke and to check my phone. Karla hadn’t looked at my text or tried to ring, but I did have two missed calls from Dan. He could get stuffed, irritation bubbled from the depths of my stomach.
It was almost four and Helen would be back around half five. I was hoping I’d get a trim and be on my way before she returned. With the mood I was in and her poking her nose into my business, I was sure there’d be a fight. I didn’t want to put Mum through it.
‘Your turn?’ Donna poked her head out, grinning at me.
I returned to the kitchen and sat in the chair. Mum had moved to the table, her hair blow-dried to perfection.
‘How much off?’
‘Good three inches, I reckon. My split ends are terrible.’
‘Hmmmm,’ Donna agreed. As she sprayed the questions began. What was prison like? Did you make any friends? Was it like Bad Girls, that show on ITV years ago?
Like a tennis player, I batted away serves which just kept coming. Trying to be polite to the woman who had known me since I was a child. It wasn’t her fault, everyone had questions. Perhaps I should print an FAQ and carry it around with me to hand out as soon as the barrage started?
Thankfully, Mum managed to intervene and steer the conversation away from prison life and onto the much safer topic of holidays.
I zoned out, watching my phone on the table vibrate. Another call from Dan. His third now.
‘Someone’s keen,’ Donna said.
Mum smiled, her eyes glinting.
‘Not any more,’ I replied.
38
Donna offered me a lift home, she was heading over to Tesco and it was only five minutes out of her way. Before she could launch into more questions, I asked how Mum had been while I was away.
‘Well, she was devastated obviously. You’re her baby, you’ll always be her baby. She felt it was an injustice, we all did. I mean that Watts kid, he was a nasty bit of work. Between you and me, I think you did the world a favour.’ Donna patted my forearm and I smiled weakly. ‘Course, when your mum had her stroke, they had it rough for a while. Helen was stressed out, but your mum is doing better, the physio is helping.’
‘I wish I could have been there,’ I admitted, biting my lip to stop it quivering. I had no more tears left today.
‘I know, pet, but she’s fine now, see. All she needs is a little bit of extra help. She’s still the same, thank God she hasn’t lost it up here.’ Donna tapped her temple.
As we approached the house, Donna pulled up behind Dan’s silver Mazda. I felt a surge of nervous excitement. What was he doing here? Had he come to made amends? If he had, despite admiring the effort, I was too annoyed to entertain it. He opened the door, lingering by it, as I opened mine, thanking Donna for the lift and saying goodbye. I ignored him and walked down the path, my key ready, hearing the sound of Donna’s car pull away.
‘Jess, wait. I’m sorry.’ He was a few steps behind, and I turned around, my hands on my hips.
‘I didn’t lie to you. Your brother was a monster,’ I blurted, louder than I’d intended.
Dan didn’t answer, he looked shell-shocked, as though my words were peppered with bullets.
Stuart’s front door opened, and he came out, laden with cans for the recycling bin. Eyeing Dan suspiciously, he paused mid step. ‘You all right, Jess?’ Stuart’s voice sounded gruff, deeper than usual, and I almost chuckled.
‘Fine. How much do I owe you for the door?’ I asked, turning away from Dan.
‘Nothing, I fixed it, you’re right it just needed knocking out a bit. Let me know if there’s a draught.’
‘Will do, thanks, Stuart.’
He nodded, dumped the cans and moved back inside.
‘Can I come in?’ Dan asked.
‘I don’t think so. I’m pretty tired, I’ve had an awful day. I got burgled this morning.’
‘Yes, sorry, I didn’t get your voicemail until later, after, you know…’ Dan had the decency to stare at the ground.
‘After you practically called me a slut?’ I prompted.
‘I didn’t say that.’ He frowned.
‘Okay, insinuated then.’ I sighed, the fight leaving me.
‘Tell me what happened.’ His eyes pleaded with mine.
I didn’t have the energy to explain to him what an arsehol
e his brother was. How we all knew, but couldn’t prove, that Barry and he had some kind of arrangement. We were all cattle as far as they were concerned. ‘Look, Dan, I don’t want to get into it now.’
I unlocked the door and went inside, closing it behind me, leaving Dan out in the cold. I swallowed the lump in my throat and crawled into bed, kicking off my trainers. No inclination to cook, I pulled the duvet over me and closed my eyes.
The following day when I got to work, Karla was already there, sporting a nasty black eye and split lip.
‘I’ve been calling you, why haven’t you answered?’ I hissed, dragging her into the yard by the elbow.
‘I’ve been a bit busy,’ she gestured at her face and rolled her eyes.
‘You broke into my fucking house, Karla!’ I snarled, ignoring her bruised face.
‘I’m sorry, I had no choice, I had to get the money and you weren’t answering your phone.’
My arms springing to life, I shoved her into the wire fence and for a second she stared at me, mouth gaping, before shoving me back.
I launched at her, pushing her to the ground, my hands finding her throat as she thrashed underneath me.
‘What the fuck is going on here?’ A hand grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and lifted me off Karla as she scrabbled back in the dirt, coughing and shooting daggers at me. Barry held me up like I weighed nothing. ‘You two fighting over the boss? I know it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, but I never saw you do that with Terry.’ Barry smirked and I wrenched out of his grip.
‘Fuck off, Barry,’ Karla snapped as she stood and brushed herself off.
‘She did that to you?’ Barry pointed from me to Karla’s face.
‘No I didn’t,’ I interrupted, my tone measured.
‘Jess,’ Dan called from across the yard. He stood by the shutters, flanked by two men, one in a suit and one wearing a police uniform.
‘Shit,’ muttered Karla, under her breath, standing close enough for me to catch it.
‘What have you done, Jessica?’ Barry’s voice came from behind me, laced with sarcasm.
I moved towards Dan, glaring at him.
‘This is Detective Wimslow and you remember Officer Stokes, they want to ask you a couple of questions about Terry.’
I swallowed hard, smiling tightly at the pair.
Stokes raised his hand in greeting, blinking through his white blond eyelashes. Wimslow was the polar opposite, where Stokes was pale, he was Mediterranean-looking with olive skin, dark eyes and black slicked-back hair. I’d find him more attractive if I wasn’t concerned he was about to lock me up.
‘Sure.’
They turned and headed back to Dan’s office and I followed, Barry left behind.
‘Excuse me, I’m Jess’s community rehabilitation officer, is there something I should know?’ Sweat hung on his top lip where he’d jogged to catch us up.
‘It’s only a couple of questions Mr…’ The detective raised an eyebrow.
‘Mulligan,’ Barry provided.
‘I’ll be fine, Barry,’ I managed as I started to close the door behind me.
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Dan hung back to talk to Barry. I was glad he’d stayed out, partly because I couldn’t bear to look at him and partly because what I was going to say, he wouldn’t want to hear.
I sat across the desk from the detective. Officer Stokes stood behind, there was no chair for him. His hands clasped behind his back, he remained still, as though he was outside Buckingham Palace.
Detective Wimslow slid the black and white image across the desk to me. I was sick of looking at it. Dan had called them, of course he had. Wanting to do the right thing in the face of what I’d told him, but, of course, now it gave me a motive. It gave all of us a motive.
‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on in this picture, Jess?’
‘I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.’ I crossed my arms, trying to rein in my mouth, but I was pissed off. Karla had robbed me and Dan had sold me out.
‘Okay, I’ll rephrase. Simple question. Did Terry take advantage of you in any way during your employment at Bright’s?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did he force or coerce you into performing oral sex?’
‘Yes.’ My eyes prickled, but I refused to blink.
‘When did this happen?’
‘Shortly after I started.’
The detective leant forward and interlocked his fingers. His hands were massive, and he wore a silver linked watch, the hairs on his wrist pushing through the gaps. ‘Did he threaten you?’
‘He said money had gone missing and if I didn’t do what he wanted, I’d have my probation revoked. He’d get me sent back to prison.’ My chest deflated as I said it out loud, like a flurry releasing from my mouth with the words spoken.
‘Do you know if it was just you, or anybody else?’
‘I think all of us.’
The detective wrinkled his nose. He gazed past my shoulder out of the office window. ‘Okay, we’ll need you to provide a statement of what happened. I’ll have to speak to everyone here. Did you know you were being filmed?’
‘No.’ I wrung my hands, now there was two of us searching for the camera. I had to hope whoever had sent me and Dan the photos, didn’t hand it over to the police. If there was video of what Terry had done to us, then there had to be video of what Karla and I did to him.
‘When was the last time you saw Terry?’
‘I told Officer Stokes, on the Friday he disappeared, just after five when I was leaving. Has anyone found him yet?’ I tried to muster a look of concern, clearing my throat.
‘No, not yet. Do you have any idea of his whereabouts?’
I shook my head.
‘We need to set up interviews at the station, for all you ladies, I think. Stokes, can you set that up for tomorrow. We need the names and contacts for all employees. Let Mr Bright have the times and he can let them know. We can send a car if need be.’
‘Sure thing.’ Officer Stokes nodded and, for a second, I thought he might salute.
I pushed my chair back and got to my feet. I needed a cigarette.
‘Yes, you can leave, Jess. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He tilted his head and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Those were watching me like a hawk.
39
Detective Wimslow had those penetrating eyes you normally only see in TV thrillers, ones where they always have a hunch.
I shook the notion from my head. No one knew anything and I had to keep it that way. Pretty easy, all I had to do was stick to the story. If they hadn’t found anything incriminating on the CCTV at Bright’s or in Croydon town centre, or inside Terry’s car, then we were home free.
Karla’s words rung in my head ‘no body, no crime’. All things considered, we were in a good position, before Dan had a crisis of conscience. Or was it more than that? Did he suspect me of doing something to Terry?
Returning to the yard, not caring I hadn’t washed, dried or pressed an inch of fabric today, I lit a cigarette and sucked in the smoke. Karla was beside me in seconds, a cigarette pulled from the packet and lit in an instant. She appeared jittery, like an addict fumbling to get their first fix of the day.
‘So?’ she said.
‘Fuck off.’
‘Don’t be a dick. What’s happened, why do they want to talk to you?’
‘They want to talk to all of us.’
Karla frowned, her chin jutting forward. ‘Why?’
‘Because someone sent Dan the photo of me in the office. For all I know, it could have been you.’ I shifted my body away from Karla, who tutted.
‘Look. I’m sorry I broke in. I owe money to some bad people okay, I needed it.’ She pointed at the purple bruise around her swollen eye. Whatever Karla had got herself into, I didn’t want to be a part of it. I was going to do everything to ensure I wouldn’t be going back to prison.
‘Well, you’ve got it now. I think that’s us even, wouldn’t you say?’ I raised my eye
brows and she snorted.
‘Whatever,’ Karla replied, chucking her cigarette as Laura poked her head out of the warehouse door.
‘Is no one doing any work today, fucking skivers!’
‘Fuck off,’ Karla and I said in unison as we made our way back inside.
I finished the rest of my shift, working alongside Natalia, loading tablecloths from a local restaurant. The smell of spices and curried sauce made me salivate.
I half expected Dan to come and find me, but he called a meeting at quarter to five, as we were packing up. He explained to the girls that the police wanted to ask us all some questions about Terry and we should come to work as normal tomorrow. A car would be sent to collect us for individual interviews at the station and bring us back afterwards.
‘Yippee, day trip to the cop shop,’ Laura mocked.
Dan laughed awkwardly and scratched his chin. ‘I’m sure it’ll be quick and painless; you’ll be back here knee-deep in laundry before you know it.’
I glanced around at the girls as they began to disperse, there was an air of disquiet as they exchanged looks, already wondering how much to say. Some maybe wondering if we should drag Barry into it. Expose him for the fraud he was. I wasn’t sure it was something we could prove though, not without Terry, and he wouldn’t be making an appearance any time soon.
‘Hey, want to go for a drink after work?’ Dan’s voice was gentle as he approached after the others had moved off.
‘Why did you call the police?’
He looked puzzled at my obvious frustration, rocking back on his heels. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’ I looked away, running my tongue across my teeth. I couldn’t really blame Dan; he was only doing what he thought was right.
It would be good to go for a drink, I could do with one. Plus, I had to find out what Dan knew, or thought he knew. He waited for me outside his office while I used the bathroom and made myself look presentable.
On the way out, Karla overtook us, smirking, but thankfully she didn’t say anything.
Dan locked up and we walked around the back to the yard. The bitter wind whipped my face and I shrank into my coat.
