by Gemma Rogers
Wiping my face with the back of my hand and tossing my phone onto the bed, I groaned as I stood. The weight on my back becoming heavier with each passing second. No time to complain, I had a job to do. Ignoring my stomach rumbling, I left the bedsit and started walking. I had to avoid buses, or anywhere there was CCTV. I put up my hood to hide my hair and walked four miles, picking a random direction. I marched with purpose, imagining myself on an army training exercise.
I found a clothes recycling bin in a dark corner of a large Tesco’s car park and put Terry’s boots in there, the steel toecaps made them ridiculously heavy. By then my shoulders were numb, but my lower back still throbbed.
Once binned, I turned in the opposite direction and walked for another four or so miles. My legs ached and a blister was forming on my heel. All the time, my stomach cramped, hollow, screaming at me to be fed, but I pushed on.
Circling around, I found another bin, this time at Waitrose and tossed in the coat.
Halfway back, I got rid of the hat in a rubbish bin on the edge of a park. The chances of them being found and connected to Terry were slim to none. That’s if anyone was looking, which I didn’t think they were.
I didn’t stop to eat until I was closer to home, not wanting to be caught on any shop cameras and having to explain why I was so far away. I made it to half nine before running into a Londis which was still open and buying some crisps and chocolate. I walked along munching the large packet of Walkers thinking about Dan. The words I’d spoken clomping around my head, the weight of them substantial. At least it hadn’t been face to face. Dan would have seen through me straight away.
As I approached home, exhausted, all I wanted was my bed. Kicking off my trainers I lay down and unwrapped a bar of chocolate, shovelling it in at speed. Pins and needles peppered my thighs and lower legs as I willed myself to move. I wanted a cup of tea, but the effort would be too much.
I drifted off in record time, waking up still fully clothed in the dark, my mouth sticky where I hadn’t cleaned my teeth. Rolling over, calf cramping, I flexed my toes and pulled my phone out from under the covers. No calls from Dan. My chest twinged; I couldn’t blame him. I had been vile on the phone. I did have a text from Karla though, sent three hours ago, at midnight.
Enjoy your stay?
That bitch. I was tempted to text back, tell her I knew she was Eddie’s sister, but I didn’t. It would be a better conversation face to face and hopefully I’d have a chance to do it at work, although I’d have to wait two days. If only I knew where she was staying, where John lived.
I got up to get a drink and get undressed, my back and legs stiff. I dreamed of the day I’d have my own bath I could sink into with a good book.
Scrolling through Facebook, I looked at Ashley’s posts first and then the main feed. There was a vomit-inducing one of Helen and Stuart holding hands in front of the sun setting. At least they were happy. I had a pang of regret when I thought about Dan. That could have been us. I had to snap out of it. He was the least of my problems. Whatever Karla was doing, I had to get her to stop. I couldn’t go back to prison and I’d do anything to make sure I didn’t.
Morning came around all too soon, although I slept in until nine. I hobbled out of bed like an old woman, turning the shower as hot as I could stand it. Everything was sore – my legs, my feet and back. I had to see Karla. Make her see sense. With no idea where she lived, if she disappeared and left Bright’s, I’d never be able to find her. I feared the damage was already done.
I text Karla back, perhaps I’d make a joke so she wouldn’t think anything was wrong.
Ha ha, very funny. You around today? Shopping? Lunch?
I doubted it would work, but it was worth a try. Karla had well and truly set me up. She held all the cards. I needed to get the footage back; without that, she had no proof of what we’d done. It would be my word against hers. She would only drop me in the shit if she knew her name wouldn’t come up. Perhaps that was what she was waiting for or she enjoyed pushing me over the edge?
Devouring a bowl of cereal for breakfast, it wasn’t until halfway through I realised the milk had started to turn. I cleared out the fridge and made a list of what I needed, gathering up my washing to take to Mum’s. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Helen, knowing she would give me shit about Stuart’s door being kicked in, but at least I’d see Mum.
Karla didn’t return my text or my calls, but I wasn’t surprised. I spoke to Ashley while I was waiting for the bus. Trying to sound as nonchalant as I could about Dan and I parting company. She saw straight through me, she always could.
‘Ah I’m sorry, Jess, perhaps it’s not meant to be. If he doesn’t trust you, what are you supposed to do with that?’ I told Ashley it was a trust issue why we weren’t seeing each other any more, not because Dan suspected me of being involved in the disappearance of his brother.
‘It’s a shame, but you’re never supposed to dip your pen in the company ink anyway, eh?’ Ashley giggled at my analogy.
‘Look, I’ve got to dash; I’m meeting some friends for lunch, but are you around next weekend? Perhaps you could come here?’
I grimaced; glad she couldn’t see my face. I didn’t have much money and I wasn’t sure if I’d like any of her friends, or rather whether they’d like me.
‘Come on, it’ll be fun. I know a few cute guys who’d be falling over themselves for you.’
I sniggered; aware Ashley could read my mind.
‘Okay, we’ll see. I’ll ring you in the week.’
The bus came as I hung up and I got on, squeezing into a free seat with my backpack slung over my shoulder and a black bin bag of dirty washing on my lap. It trundled on and as it weaved in and out of parked cards along Thornton Road, I spotted Karla walking in the opposite direction. Wild curls blowing in the wind, she stared at the ground, her hands in her pockets as she hurried along. Instantly my body reacted, I felt my jaw clench, teeth compacted together, the anger already bubbling to the surface as I slammed my fist on the bell.
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Without hesitation, I jumped up, swaying as the bus came to a halt.
‘Thanks,’ I called to the driver as I hopped off, hurriedly trying to close the distance between me and Karla.
Around ten feet away, she must have heard the scuff of my footsteps on the pavement. I was half walking, half limping, the skin on my heels almost rubbed off from last night’s mission.
Karla spun around, caught off guard, her lips parted, but it took her a few seconds to speak.
‘You following me?’ She smirked, but I could see a flash of something in her eyes, fear maybe.
I closed the distance between us and dropped my bags on the ground.
‘What the fuck are you doing, Karla? Trying to get me put away for Terry, is that it?’
‘Don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.’ Her tone nonchalant.
I nodded slowly. ‘Oh really, didn’t grass me up to the police then? Didn’t send that photo to Dan, or to me? Guess it couldn’t have been you who put Terry’s ring in my locker either?’
She shrugged, hands still in her pockets. Did she have a knife hidden down there?
‘Fuck off, Jess, you’re mental,’ she said, before turning her back and stepping away.
Seeing red, I launched at her, pulling her back by the shoulder and throwing her to the ground. In the same second, unable to believe I could be violent but having no control over the impulse. All I knew was rage rushed through me, stirred up by the threat of going back to prison. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
We scuffled, throwing punches, some connecting. Karla caught the side of my cheek, a ring on her finger scraping the skin. It stung instantly and blood trickled down my chin. I grabbed her by the hair, and before we knew it, we were rolling around on the pavement as cars drove by. Pain erupted where she’d banged my head on the concrete and for a second everything blurred.
‘Oi, you two, pack it in. I’ve called the police,’ shouted a woman in curl
ers hanging out of a top-floor window. Her voice sobered us instantly and we pulled apart.
‘You bitch.’ Karla’s eye was swelling closed where I’d caught her with my right fist.
My head throbbed and I rubbed it as I staggered to my feet.
‘I know you’re Eddie’s… sister.’ They weren’t related by blood, only fostered by the same family, but I knew she thought of Eddie as her brother. As I spoke, everything seemed to quiet around us, the air was still, traffic ceased.
Karla’s eyes were bloodshot, welling with tears. She wiped her nose on the sleeve of her coat.
I gingerly checked the back of my head for blood, but my hair only contained grit from the pavement.
‘I know that’s what this is about,’ I said, still trying to catch my breath.
‘You killed him.’
‘It was an accident, but, yes, it was my fault he died. I killed him and I’ll always be sorry. You don’t know what happened, Karla, you weren’t there. I was trying to protect Ashley.’
Karla screwed up her face. ‘What do you mean, protect Ashley?’ she spat, her hands on her hips.
‘They’d had a row; he’d made her ask me to drive them somewhere. I didn’t know at the time, but he was going to do a drug deal. A big one. He had loads of money on him and he was going to buy gear to sell around the estate. We were heading to Mitcham when the fight broke out in the back of the car.’ I stretched my neck, looking up at the sky. ‘He started laying into her, I saw him punch her a couple of times in the rear-view mirror. I shouted at him to stop; I was crying.’
Karla shook her head. ‘Bullshit.’
‘You know he used to hit her; you must have seen her with bruises. It wasn’t the first time.’
Karla’s eyes darted around the road, as though she was trying to process some buried memory.
I carried on. ‘He pushed her into the footwell, he was going crazy. He stomped on her, in the fucking footwell.’ I choked on the words, eyes filling with tears. ‘She was crouched in there on her side, so small, curled up with her arms over her head. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and swerved the car, trying to get him to lose his balance, throw him back into his seat. But I lost control and hit a tree.’ Tears gushed from my eyes.
Karla was crying too, dirt smudged across her left cheek.
‘Fuck you,’ she said, her voice practically a whisper. All the fight gone out of her.
‘That’s why he went through the windscreen. I had my seat belt on, and Ashley was cowering in the footwell. When I hit the tree, Eddie was out of his seat, stamping on Ashley. Teaching her a lesson.’ I swallowed hard, the memory of it too awful to relive.
‘I don’t believe you.’ Her voice was weak, as though her words carried no weight.
‘Yes, you do. It’s not an excuse, Karla. I killed your brother with my driving, and I have to live with that. I’ll forever be sorry, and I wish to God it hadn’t happened, but at the time of the accident, he was kicking the shit out of my best mate.’
‘If it’s true why didn’t it come up in court. None of this was ever mentioned.’
‘Ashley didn’t want anyone to know we were going to buy drugs or that he was hitting her. She didn’t want Eddie’s memory tarnished. I kept her secret.’
‘And went to prison?’ Karla frowned, she looked dubious.
‘I would have gone to prison anyway; I was driving the car. I caused his death.’
Karla and I stared at each other, my bag of clothes and backpack discarded on the pavement behind me. In the distance, we heard sirens and, without another word, Karla turned and ran. I did the same, scooping up my things and hotfooting it across the road to the playing fields.
Hiding on the edge of the woodland scrub for twenty minutes, watching the police drive up and down the road, searching for the girls who’d caused the disturbance, I waited until the coast was clear. Whatever happened, the truth was out in the open now. I’d have to let Ashley know. Guilt weighed heavily on me, but I had no choice. Karla had to know the truth, perhaps now she understood how the accident had happened, she would see reason. It wouldn’t change the loss of her brother, I knew that, and I wasn’t expecting to be forgiven. I could tell by the mention of Eddie’s name how much she loathed me, no doubt of the opinion my sentence wasn’t enough for his life.
Had she known who I was as soon as she laid eyes on me? Was it a coincidence we were at Bright’s together? I had no idea, but I hoped she would let it go and stop putting me in the picture for Terry’s disappearance. Karla made me anxious, she was unpredictable and clearly not afraid to get involved when the police weren’t looking in my direction. Did she think she could throw me to the wolves and I wouldn’t take her with me?
A lump formed at the back of my head and I was desperate for some painkillers. Satisfied the police had gone, I came out of my hiding place and headed back across the playing fields to Mum’s. Pushing my key in and opening the door.
‘What the hell happened to you?’ Helen said from the top of the stairs.
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I didn’t answer.
Helen’s cheeks turned pink and she stormed down, taking one look at my bloody face and the red swollen knuckles on my right hand. ‘Have you been fighting?’ she asked, incredulous.
‘Get out of my face, Helen.’ I sighed, carrying my clothes into the kitchen and loading the washing machine, trying to find the right cycle.
‘You’re going to end up back inside. What is wrong with you?’
I ignored her.
‘Stuart’s just called; the bloody police have been round.’
I spun to face Helen, eyes wide. ‘Round where?’
‘To his house! Asking about you, how long you’ve lived there, how does he know you. That kind of thing. He’s not happy. I had to beg him to let you stay. He told you not to bring trouble to his door.’
I closed my eyes, head swimming. I could look for a new job, but not a new place to live too. Not one I could afford anyway.
‘I’ll call him,’ I said, reaching for my phone.
‘He’s on his way here to pick me up, you can talk to him then.’ Helen huffed and put the kettle on.
I rummaged in the cupboard for some painkillers, popping two in my mouth and slurping from the tap before going to see Mum in the sitting room. She was trying to do the crossword in the paper, but her hand was shaking too much to hold the pen steady.
‘You okay, love?’ She smiled up at me and I had to blink back tears. Her love for me was unwavering, unconditional. It emanated from her in waves. No matter what I did, she would always be there. ‘Who did that to you?’ she continued, taking in my war wounds.
‘Doesn’t matter, Mum, just a bad day,’ I replied, rubbing her shoulder.
‘It will pass. I should know.’
I tried to hold it together, looking away and concentrating on a tiny tear in the wallpaper, where I’d scuffed the handlebars of my new bike against the wall one Christmas. It didn’t help, my eyes welled up as my head throbbed in a slow rhythm. Like a backing track to a tragic movie scene.
Helen brought two cups of tea in and put them on Mum’s side table. She eyed me curiously.
I can’t remember the last time I’d shown any kind of emotion in front of Helen, other than anger. I reserved my tears for when I was alone, or with Mum, but I was tired. Tired of fighting and tired of lying. I didn’t want to have to look over my shoulder any more. I wanted this to end.
Mum squeezed my hand, bringing me back to the present as the doorbell rang. ‘Go and clean yourself up before you talk to Stuart,’ Mum said, her voice low when Helen left the room.
I hadn’t even thought about my appearance and took the stairs two at a time, seeking refuge in the bathroom.
The reflection in the mirror startled me. My hair looked as though it had been backcombed and was peppered with dirt. I even found a roll-up caught in a tangle at the back. Dried blood had crusted on my face, and my nose and chin looked like it was covered in soot. I rinsed
a flannel under the tap, wincing as I dabbed at the cut on my cheek.
Ten minutes later, my face was clean, hair brushed and plaited, loosely over the bump, and I’d run my knuckles under the water. A tiny bit of Savlon on my wounds and I headed back downstairs.
Stuart was in the kitchen and I stumbled over myself apologising for the interruption the police had caused him this morning.
‘Did they want to see me?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t think so, just asking questions. Why are they asking questions about you?’
‘They are investigating the disappearance of my boss.’
Helen and Stuart exchanged glances across the kitchen.
‘Which I had nothing to do with,’ I lied.
‘No more police, okay, Jess, I want a quiet life. The minute they turn up with a warrant, your rental agreement goes in the bin, okay?’
I nodded. He wasn’t being unfair; I could see why any normal person wouldn’t want that in their lives.
‘Shall we go, babe?’ Inwardly, I cringed at Helen’s sing-song voice, but Stuart grinned and moved towards her, planting a kiss on her lips.
‘See you later,’ Stuart said, moving out of the kitchen and popping in to say goodbye to Mum.
Helen gave me a pointed stare and left as the washing machine spun loudly. Our truce hadn’t lasted long.
I popped out the back for a cigarette, sitting on the wall and glancing at my phone. No calls from anyone, no texts. I wished Dan would get in touch, even though I knew it wasn’t the best thing for me right now. He gave me comfort and I had to resist the urge to text him and apologise. We could go out for dinner and end up back in his bed. It was the only place I wanted to be. Where I felt safe and desired. If only I hadn’t fallen for the one person I shouldn’t have. A painful contraction reverberated in my chest whenever I thought about Dan. I hadn’t understood heartache could be a physical pain before now.
