by Gemma Rogers
I nodded in agreement, although I wasn’t hungry. I watched her bounce from foot to foot. How could Karla go from utter hatred for me to where we were now? In a kind of semi-respectful, mutually agreed truce. Unless it was an act? No, not now, not after everything that had happened. I pushed the thought aside.
It took twenty minutes for the bus to arrive and Karla talked about how she’d love to live by the sea. When we got back, the first thing she did was pull out the money and start counting, licking her thumb as she fingered through the notes, a running total in her head.
‘There’s almost another five grand here!’ Karla’s eyes were wide, she looked like she’d won the lottery.
I didn’t answer. I wanted a shower, my skin felt grimy and I wanted to scrub it away.
‘You don’t approve?’ Karla asked.
‘Of stealing,’ I replied.
‘This will save my life, literally!’ Karla waved some notes in the air.
‘I know, I helped, didn’t I? Feel guilty, that’s all.’
‘Why? It’s money Terry owed Barry, nothing to do with Dan. It’s from before.’ Karla felt the need to explain, but I understood.
‘When are you going to pay Leon?’ I asked.
Karla shrugged, piling up the notes and putting them back in the envelope. ‘Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll do a bunk.’
I shuddered; the image of Karla’s cropped finger still fresh in my mind. I was sure he’d take more than that if he knew what she was planning.
‘Don’t look so worried,’ Karla said, reading my expression, but I couldn’t help it. Leon wasn’t going to let her go that easily.
The following morning, I woke first, assaulted by the smell of last night’s curry leftovers. Karla was full on snoring, with her mouth hanging open, and I had to resist the urge to take a photo. If it was Ashley, I might have put it on Snapchat for a laugh, but Karla and I didn’t have that kind of friendship.
In my Facebook notifications, I saw Ashley had tagged me in a photo of a new top she’d bought which she was going to wear on Saturday night. It was black, off the shoulder and glitzy, laid out on her pink dotty duvet cover. Can’t wait to get smashed with my oldest friend! she’d written underneath. I hadn’t responded to her text after we’d argued about Karla, so I commented underneath to say I couldn’t wait either. It was true. An opportunity to get out of here and go out properly on a Saturday night to a pub or a club would be too good to miss. I used to dream about all the partying I’d missed out on. We went out before, of course, but most of us were underage. If we could, we’d sneak into the Moon on the Hill, but Gilby would always get too loud once he’d had a drink and we’d be thrown out.
When I first went away, I’d planned to come out guns blazing when I got paroled, but I’d grown up since then and here I was now, almost two months later. There had been no party, just Helen waiting for me to convey the message I wasn’t welcome at home and to escort me to Stuart’s.
Karla woke when I opened the front door to smoke on the step, letting the smell of curry out at the same time. She rolled over and yawned, stretching her knobbly knee out of the covers.
‘Morning,’ I said, yawning myself. We’d had a few drinks with the takeaway and I was a little fragile. In comparison, Karla looked fresh-faced and ready to take on anything as she leapt up to stick the kettle on before joining me.
‘When I move, you’ll come and visit me, won’t you?’ Karla asked in a rare glimpse of vulnerability.
‘You want me to?’ I asked, incredulous.
‘Yeah, I do,’ Karla replied matter-of-factly.
‘Well, I guess I can come for my holidays.’ I smiled, feeling for the first time there was hope of forgiveness. We’d have to regain each other’s trust first, but if we could, and we managed to move on, I’d be absolved of my part in Eddie’s death.
When we got to work, I delivered Karla like the walking wounded to Dan’s office, where he was already sat behind the desk. He gave Karla another mundane admin task to do, shredding all the old personnel files of employees no longer with us. There was a cabinet full of them, all files containing a photo. I remembered the one Barry took of me at our first meeting.
‘Most prospective employers want to see what their applicants look like. It’ll work in your favour,’ Barry had said, eyes twinkling. Little did I know he was auctioning us off to Terry. It made my throat constrict and I swallowed the sickly feeling.
‘There’s loads of them,’ I whispered, running my hands across the files tucked neatly in the cabinet. How many women had he abused?
‘Terry had a high turnover of staff. It was one of the first things I noticed when I checked Payroll, loads of people on there haven’t been removed from the system,’ Dan explained.
‘Well, you know why now,’ Karla said, without a hint of embarrassment.
‘Karla!’ I snapped, but Dan shook his head.
‘It’s okay. I’m sorry, Karla, I had no idea what he was up to.’
She gave Dan a solitary nod and started to pull out the files one by one.
I edged towards the door, I had to get started on the laundry, but I wanted to talk to Dan first. He looked like he’d been sucker-punched.
‘Time for a quick cigarette?’ I asked, hoping he’d come outside where we could talk.
‘Sure.’ He headed for the front door and I followed, bracing myself for the cold wind. I lit a cigarette and sucked in the smoke, blowing it out through my nostrils.
‘Are you okay? After yesterday?’ I asked.
‘I’m fine.’ Dan clenched his jaw and looked away, obvious he didn’t want to talk about Terry.
‘Still on for a drink tonight?’ he asked, happy to change the subject.
‘Sure. I need your help with something.’
Dan’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Go ahead.’
‘You said before, you’ve moved around a bit. I’m looking for somewhere quiet, not necessarily remote, a small village perhaps. Does anywhere spring to mind?’
‘For you?’ he asked.
‘Uh-huh.’ Looking away so he couldn’t read the lie on my face. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t tell him the truth; childishly I wanted to see if he cared. I also thought the fewer people that knew Karla was leaving the better.
‘Okay, I can think of a couple of places.’
‘Great, you can tell me about them tonight,’ I replied, flicking my cigarette into the road and heading back inside.
By getting Karla out safely, out of Leon’s clutches, I’d have paid my penance. The guilt I felt for causing Eddie’s death would hopefully rescind over time and I’d be able to put it behind me and move on. I owed her, by killing Eddie I’d made Karla his replacement in Leon’s eyes. Her debt was down to me. I couldn’t turn back now, I had to see it through to the end.
56
The roles had reversed between Dan and I. Dynamics shifted to a more level playing field. I wasn’t the timid virgin hankering after my older boss any longer. Even though there was an age gap between us, it seemed to have shrunk in the past few weeks. I believed Dan regretted questioning me about Terry and wanted to make amends, especially now the full extent of his violations had been exposed.
I felt his eyes on me as I joined the other girls. We stood in a semicircle and Dan informed us we had a busy couple of days ahead with a new gym trialling Bright’s. Karla was still out of action and we’d have to carry on without her. If it got too much, he’d get a temp in. It was important we did well in the trial as a contract could be awarded for the daily turnaround of their towels. Dan had been pushing hard at getting new business in. He was a natural salesman, charming and attentive. Unlike Terry who was slimy and too big for his boots.
I was paired with Agnes and made the effort to have a two-way conversation as opposed to letting her chat away, oblivious to the fact I wasn’t listening. Her mother had finally gone back to Poland and she was having a rest from running around after her as well as the children. The surgery on her knee was not going ahead on t
he NHS, who’d figured out Agnes’s mother was only visiting England and was not a resident, so she’d packed up and flown home.
The towels that came in were cheap, low-quality and some of the fibres got caught, leaving strings we had to trim off once they were dry, which slowed everything down. But still the towels were packaged to go back by four and Dan was pleased we’d turned the order around quickly.
I hadn’t seen much of Karla, but when I stopped by the office, her and Dan were sat across the desk from each other, photos scattered all over. So many looked alike, slight, pale, blonde, with the exception of a few dark-haired girls. I caught Dan holding my photo, twirling it in his fingers. He lowered it as soon as I clocked it was me, his ears turning pink.
‘He used to call me his Caramel Queen,’ Karla said, referring to her darker skin. I shuddered and Dan and I exchanged a horrified look. At least we’d never have to put up with Terry’s abuse again. Karla had received months of it before I arrived, it was no wonder she seemed cold and bitter. It had to be a protective shell.
Later, on the way out I asked Karla if she was staying with me again.
‘Can I? Leon knows where John lives, and I’d rather stay out of the way in case he decides to pay him a visit. I have got to go and get the rest of my stuff though. Pack it up in case I have to leave in a hurry,’ Karla said, and I nodded.
We got the bus home and I got ready for my evening out. Karla left for John’s to collect her things. I warned her to be careful, to keep her eyes peeled and make sure Leon wasn’t about.
‘Can you trust John?’
‘Oh yeah, he’s kind of like my sugar daddy.’
I cringed. How was a girl like her ever going to be able to get back on her feet without help? How were any of us?
I met Dan at the Woodman in Carshalton, the same bar I’d met up with Ashley. It was busier this time, the difference between a Monday and a Thursday evening. He was freshly showered, dark hair still damp, and wearing a deep blue shirt. As I kissed his cheek on arrival, I was floored by the scent of his aftershave, a delicious citrus aroma which made me want to consume him.
‘You look nice,’ I said as he pushed a glass of what looked like Coke across the table towards me.
‘So do you. It’s got vodka in it by the way.’ He gestured at the glass as I took a sip. ‘I feel like I’ve barely seen you this week,’ Dan continued.
‘It’s been really busy,’ I replied, wanting to say more but knowing I shouldn’t. I didn’t want Dan getting caught up in Karla’s problems. He had enough of his own, as did I.
‘And you’re thinking about moving away?’ He frowned at his pint, refusing to meet my eye. My stomach swirled.
‘Maybe, Karla and I might. She wants to live by the sea. Any recommendations?’ I felt mean, I had no intention of going anywhere, but I was intrigued to see Dan’s reaction to my sudden departure. He seemed more bothered by it than I thought he would.
‘You two back friends again then?’
‘Yeah, we sorted it.’
‘Seemed pretty serious. What happened?’
‘Oh, just bitching behind my back, girl stuff. Gossip flying around,’ I lied, thinking on my feet.
‘Right, and you’re sure you want to move in with her?’ Dan said, incredulous.
‘Maybe.’
‘I thought you had to stay here for the length of your probation period?’
‘I can move, I just need to let them know, get a new officer.’
‘Oh.’ Dan wiped the condensation off his glass with his thumb, staring at it.
‘But I’ll probably stay, and join Karla when my six months is up,’ I replied.
‘When’s that?’
‘I’ve got another four months’ yet.’
Dan nodded and finished his pint, standing to go back to the bar. He gestured to see if I wanted another, but I shook my head, I still had half a glass.
I checked my phone to see if Karla had been in touch, but I had no notifications at all. Dan slid into his seat and I put my phone back in my bag.
‘What about you? You won’t stick around forever, when your six months is up on your lease, you’ll move on, I guess?’ My voice seemed unnaturally high. The atmosphere strangely fragile, both of us on eggshells. I wished I was brave enough to tell him how I felt.
‘I don’t know, maybe. I can’t leave the business with anyone and if Terry isn’t back I’ll have to stay or sell up.’ His tone was sharp. Was he feeling abandoned?
I glanced around at the other punters, deep in conversation, a few scrolling on their phones, giggling over who knew what. There was an awkward silence, followed by a sigh from Dan.
‘I’m sorry about before, everything was great until I brought up Terry. Now it’s all… fucked.’
I reached over and put my hand on his forearm. ‘It’s not that. I like you; I do. I’m worried I’m going to get hurt when you leave and I’m not sure I want to stay. Everything feels up in the air and I don’t know where I am.’
‘Let’s just see what happens? With Bright’s, with moving, all of it.’ Dan looked up at me through his lashes and I melted. Who was I kidding, I’d already fallen hook, line and sinker! I was fooling myself I could move on like nothing had happened between us.
‘Okay,’ I whispered, a grin emerging.
The atmosphere evaporated instantly and a minute later we were laughing about the pissing contest Dan had with Barry over using the office.
‘So, small villages, for Karla, preferably by the sea, somewhere I could go too, one day?’ I reminded Dan, steering him back onto topic.
‘Oh yeah, ummm, I was thinking Middleton-on-Sea is nice, quiet, towards Bognor way.’
I nodded, committing the name to memory.
‘I have a friend who lives down that way. I’ll ask her if there’s any rentals she knows going cheap.’
My ears pricked up. ‘Her?’ I blurted, shoulders stiffening.
Dan chuckled, eyes glinting. ‘One of my mother’s oldest friends. Not really my type, to be honest, she ruffled my hair when I was last there.’
I snorted, almost choking on a mouthful of my drink. ‘Well, some men might be into that sort of thing.’
‘Not me, I have everything I need right here.’ He winked and I blushed.
‘Smooth, real smooth.’ I laughed.
‘I was talking about my beer.’ Dan raised his pint to his lips. ‘You know, I have a lasagne in the fridge with your name all over it.’ He leaned closer across the table and the tiny hairs on my arms stood to attention.
‘A ruse to get me back to your place, is it?’ I said, raising an eyebrow and finishing my drink.
‘Maybe.’ He flashed me a dazzling smile and I stood. ‘I knew the lasagne was a winner,’ he said, getting to his feet.
‘I’m going to the bathroom.’ I stalked away, unable to keep the smile from my lips. It was the banter I loved, Dan’s flirting which tied my stomach in knots.
I knew as soon as I’d walked into the bar and saw Dan sat at the table, I’d be going home with him. He didn’t have to know though.
I used the facilities and checked my reflection in the mirror, the blush in my cheeks was becoming. I looked alive, and it was how I felt whenever I was with Dan.
‘Come on then, I’ll let you cook me dinner,’ I said, as though I was doing him a favour.
Dan returned our glasses to the bar and put on his jacket. On the walk to the car, Dan pulled me into an embrace.
‘I’ve missed this,’ he said, tucking my hair behind my ear.
‘Me too.’
57
We ate late, the lasagne took ages to cook as it wasn’t in the fridge at all, it was frozen. A Marks & Spencer’s special for two, bought with me in mind apparently, confined to the freezer after our fight. I sat, wearing Dan’s blue shirt I’d removed not long after we got back.
‘What will you do, seriously, with Bright’s?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know, everything’s changed. I’m waiting for the worl
d to stop spinning so I can figure out what I want. There’s a reason Terry ran the business and I moved around.’
I waited patiently for Dan to continue, laying my fork across my plate.
‘He was better at the business side, he put down roots with Kim, had a kid. I didn’t want the same thing, day in, day out, no one was going to catch me. Do you know what I mean?’
How would it feel to be so free-spirited? I was anything but. I nodded. ‘I get that, but you’re so good at it.’
‘The selling, yeah maybe, but I’m not a natural leader. I don’t think I’m great at managing people.’
‘The girls love you,’ I replied.
Dan looked away; he knew the reason. Anyone would be better than Terry.
‘So, about us? Are you happy to go with the flow, see what happens?’ I asked, biting my lip, drawing Dan’s attention back to me.
‘Yeah, I like you. A lot. I’m always smiling when I’m with you.’ He blushed, ears tinged pink and my face glowed.
When we’d both finished eating, I washed up the plates and Dan dried beside me. He’d tried to object when I started filling the sink with soapy water, but I told him to stop being silly. I didn’t need him waiting on me hand and foot, I was no pampered princess and told him so.
‘I’d like to think we’re a team,’ I said, drawing closer and wrapping my arms around him.
‘You’re the boss,’ he answered before pressing his lips to mine.
‘Are you sure you need to go home?’ Dan asked later, as he watched me getting dressed.
‘Yes, my taxi will be here in a minute. Karla’s staying with me and I forgot to give her a key.’ It was already eleven and Karla had text ten minutes before because she couldn’t get in.
