XXXII
I became aware at this time, very gradually and even solemnly, that somecrisis of my life was approaching. How the monition came to me I hardlyknow; I felt like a man wandering in the dark, with eyes strained andhands outstretched, who is dimly aware of some great object, tree orhaystack or house, looming up ahead of him, which he cannot directlysee, but of which he is yet conscious by the vibration of some sixthsense. The wonder came by degrees to overshadow my thoughts with a senseof expectant awe, and to permeate all the urgent concerns of my lifewith its shadowy presence. Even the thought of Cynthia, who indeed wasalways in my mind, became obscured with the dimness of this obscureanticipation.
One day Amroth stood beside me as I worked; he was very grave andserious, but with a joyful kind of courage about him. I pushed my booksand papers away, and rose to greet him, saying half-unconsciously, andjust putting my thought into words:
"So it has come!"
"Yes," said Amroth, "it has come! I have known it for some little time,and my thought has mingled with yours. I tell you frankly that I didnot quite expect it; but one never knows here. You must come with me atonce. You are to see the last mystery; and though I am glad for yoursake that it is come, yet I tremble for you, because it is unlike anyother experience; and one can never be the same again."
I felt myself oppressed by a sudden terror of darkness, but, half toreassure myself, I answered lightly:
"But it does not seem to have affected you, Amroth! You are alwayslight-hearted and cheerful, and not overshadowed by any dark or gloomythoughts."
"Yes, yes," said Amroth hurriedly. "It is easy enough, when it is onceover. Nothing that is behind one matters; but this is a thing that onecannot jest about. Of course there is nothing to fear; but to be broughtface to face with the greatest thing in the world is not a light matter.Let me say this. I am to be with you all through; and my only word toyou is that you must do exactly what I tell you, and at once, withoutany doubting or flinching. Then all will be well! But we must not delay.Come at once, and keep your mind perfectly quiet."
We went out together; and there seemed to have fallen a sense of gravityover all whom we met. My companions did not speak to me as we walkedout, but stood aside to see me pass, and even looked at me, I thought,with an air half of reverence, half of a sort of natural compassion, asone might watch a dear friend go to be tried for his life.
We came out of the door, and found, it seemed to me, an unusualstillness everywhere. The wind, which often blew high on the bare moor,had dropped. We took a path, which I had never seen, which struck offover the hills. We walked for a long time, almost in silence. But Icould not bear the strange curiosity which was straining at my heart,and I said presently to Amroth:
"Give me some idea what I am to see or to endure. Is it some judgmentwhich I am to face, or am I to suffer pain? I would rather know the bestand the worst of it."
"It is everything," said Amroth; "you are to see God. All is comprisedin that."
His words fell with a shocking distinctness in the calm air, and I feltmy heart and limbs fail me, and a dizziness came over my mind. Hardlyknowing what I did or said, I came to a stop.
"But I did not know that it was possible," I said. "I thought that Godwas everywhere--within us, about us, beyond us? How can that be?"
"Yes," said Amroth, "God is indeed everywhere, and no place containsHim; neither can any of us see or comprehend Him. I cannot explainit; but there is a centre, so to speak, near to which the uncleanand the evil cannot come, where the fire of His thought burns thehottest.... Oh," he said, "neither word nor thought is of any use here;you will see what you will see!"
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to bear in all my wanderings was thesight of Amroth's own fear. It was unmistakable. His spirit seemedprepared for it, perfectly courageous and sincere as it was; but therewas a shuddering awe upon him, for all that, which infected me with anextremity of terror. Was it that he thought me unequal to theexperience? I could not tell. But we walked as men dragging themselvesinto some fiery and dreadful martyrdom.
Again I could not bear it, and I cried out suddenly:
"But, Amroth, He is Love; and we can enter without fear into thepresence of Love!"
"Have you not yet guessed," said Amroth sternly, "how terrible Love canbe? It is the most terrible thing in the world, because it is thestrongest. If Death is dreadful, what must that be which is strongerthan Death? Come, let us be silent, for we are near the place, and thisis no time for words;" and then he added with a look of the deepestcompassion and tenderness, "I wish I could speak differently, brother,at this hour; but I am myself afraid."
And at that we gave up all speech, and only our thoughts sprang togetherand intertwined, like two children that clasp each other close in aburning house, when the smoke comes volleying from the door.
We were coming now to what looked like a ridge of rocks ahead of us; andI saw here a wonderful thing, a great light of incredible pureness andwhiteness, which struck upwards from the farther side. This began tolight up our own pale faces, and to throw our backs into a dark shadow,even though the radiance of the heavenly day was all about us. And atlast we came to the place.
It was the edge of a precipice so vast, so stupendous, that no word caneven dimly describe its depth; it was all illuminated with incredibleclearness by the light which struck upwards from below. It wasabsolutely sheer, great pale cliffs of white stone running downwardsinto the depth. To left and right the precipice ran, with an irregularoutline, so that one could see the cliff-fronts gleam how many millionsof leagues below! There seemed no end to it. But at a certain point fardown in the abyss the light seemed stronger and purer. I was at first soamazed by the sight that I gazed in silence. Then a dreadful dizzinesscame over me, and I felt Amroth's hand put round me to sustain me. Thenin a faint whisper, that was almost inaudible, Amroth, pointing with hisfinger downwards, said:
"Watch that place where the light seems clearest."
I did so. Suddenly there came, as from the face of the cliff, a thinglike a cloudy jet of golden steam. It passed out into the clear air,shaping itself in strange and intricate curves; then it grew darker incolour, hung for an instant like a cloud of smoke, and then faded intothe sky.
"What is that?" I said, surprised out of my terror.
"I may tell you that," said Amroth, "that you may know what you see.There is no time here; and you have seen a universe made, and live itslife, and die. You have seen the worlds created. That cloud of whirlingsuns, each with its planets, has taken shape before your eyes; life hasarisen there, has developed; men like ourselves have lived, havewrestled with evil, have formed states, have died and vanished. That isall but a single thought of God."
Another came, and then another of the golden jets, each fading intodarkness and dispersing.
"And now," said Amroth, "the moment has come. You are to make the lastsacrifice of the soul. Do not shrink back, fear nothing. Leap into theabyss!"
The thought fell upon me with an infinity and an incredulity of horrorthat I cannot express in words. I covered my eyes with my hands.
"Oh, I cannot, I cannot," I said; "anything but this! God be merciful;let me go rather to some infinite place of torment where at least I mayfeel myself alive. Do not ask this of me!"
Amroth made no answer, and I saw that he was regarding me fixedly,himself pale to the lips; but with a touch of anger and even ofcontempt, mixed with a world of compassion and love. There was somethingin this look which seemed to entreat me mutely for my own sake and hisown to act. I do not know what the impulse was that came tome--self-contempt, trust, curiosity, the yearning of love. I closed myeyes, I took a faltering step, and stumbled, huddling and aghast, overthe edge. The air flew up past me with a sort of shriek; I opened myeyes once, and saw the white cliffs speeding past. Then anunconsciousness came over me and I knew no more.
The Child of the Dawn Page 34
