by C J Murphy
“I am. I’m listening for what the real problem is.”
“God, you’re such a little pain in my ass.”
“Yes, but I’m your pain in the ass. So again I ask, what’s the real problem?”
Jordan looked out at the corral. The horses grazed lazily, their tails moving in the breeze. Bandit and Kyo were on the ground beside her, their heads on their paws looking up at her. “The real problem is I have feelings for her, Dava. And before you say it, I know. I haven’t spent that much time with her. I don’t know everything about her, and yes, it’s all too fast.”
“First off, don’t put words in my mouth. Second, you do know her. You’ve spent over a year looking for her. You’ve spent how many months driving across country to find her, learning about pieces of her life few will ever know. You know she trusted you enough to take you back to her home, and as far as the too fast part, Mom and Dad married after knowing each other for six weeks. And, might I add, they didn’t even know half as much about each other as you do her. Having feelings for someone is not a crime, Jordan. I’m ecstatic that you’ve let someone that fucking close. You haven’t let anyone that near your heart since that bitch Tina ripped it out and put it through the industrial wood chipper.”
There was a pause in Dava’s diatribe long enough for Jordan to close her eyes and absorb the sounds around her.
“I’m going to give some of your own advice back to you. Take a chance, Jordan. I don’t think you’ll regret it.”
Jordan laughed, remembering their conversation in Acadia. “God, our ability to recall every single day of our lives is coming back to bite me in the ass.”
“Pot, say hi to kettle. Jordan, if this is something you want, go for it. Give her time and space when she needs it, reassurance, and not a single reason to doubt you. That’s a two-way street, Sherlock, so tell her what you need to. All the small stuff will work itself out. You found the needle in the haystack, use it to sew a plant or two together. While you’re at it, maybe your broken heart too. If it doesn’t work out, part as friends. It’s that simple, JJ. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.”
“I love you, little sister, you know that?”
“Of course, you do. What’s not to love? Now go, load that needle up with thread. Call me when you can. I’ll call and check on Sam and Max for you. I know you won’t always have service. How about you try taking that satellite phone up there with you? Maybe we can use a text burst. It’s worth a try. You never know, it might work if you hold your mouth right and cross your eyes. JJ, few other than me, know how incredible you are. Now, I swear, if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it.”
“Love you, Watson.”
“I love you too, Jordan, with all my heart. Now go buy some fifty-fifty tickets and take a chance.”
“I think I’ll do that, Dava. I’ll go do just that.”
***
Noeul watched out the window and it took all in: Jordan’s pacing, the running her hands in her hair, her near collapse against her Jeep. Noeul was a whisper from running out the door, as she watched the younger woman’s body heave in sobs while holding onto Bandit’s neck. The only thing that stopped her was Kelly’s hand on her arm.
“Noeul, honey, what’s going on? You haven’t said five words since you got here. You both look like you’re ready to jump out of your skin. And unless I miss my guess, that woman is out there crying. Why?”
Noeul wrapped her arms tightly around herself and hugged her own body. When she raised shaky fingers to her mouth, Kelly took matters into her own hands and led Noeul away from the window and into the living room. She parked Noeul on the couch.
Kelly knelt in front of her. “You’d better tell me what happened, because when Miranda gets back from town and sees you like this, she will likely kill that woman out there with no explanation.”
Noeul tried to explain what had happened the night before. She couldn’t keep the emotion from her voice.
“Kelly, I’m scared to death. There is no doubt in my mind Aggie led her here. I know that every time she said the seeker, she meant Jordan.” Noeul touched her fingers to her lips, remembering the feel of Jordan’s mouth on hers. “I feel something, Kelly, and I’m terrified of making a mistake. Jordan isn’t here long term, and I can’t lay my heart out on the line for someone who is going to go back to another life. I’ve already lost one lover and it nearly killed me. I can’t do that again.”
“How do you know she’s going to leave? Have you asked her?”
“My God, no.” Noeul rose and began pacing the small living room.
“Tell me how it felt.”
“What?”
Kelly rose and leaned against the arm of the couch. “Tell me how it felt to be held in her arms and kissed.”
Noeul turned, a million thoughts were running through her mind. The words, descriptions, and feelings were all jumbled up. She lifted her hands, dropped them, and lifted them again to hold her head. “Magical.”
“And?”
“Almost orgasmic.” A laugh bubbled up, and she held her mouth with her hand.
“Well, that’s saying…something.”
“Kelly, if she hadn’t pumped the brakes, we’d have been in bed. I’d have ripped our clothes off to touch her and be touched.”
“She put a stop to it, not you?”
“No…I mean, yes.” Frustrated, Noeul pulled at her ponytail. “Yes, she put a stop to it and not me.”
“If that’s the case, I think you need to see where this goes. You can’t say she won’t stay if you haven’t asked her to. Right now, I think you need to go outside and offer the support and comfort she looks like she could use. And frankly, that you look like you need to give.”
Noeul wiped under her eyes and shook her hands, trying to cool her heated cheeks. “I’m probably a mess. If Miranda sees me like this, she will kill Jordan and it’s not her fault.”
“I’ll head off Calamity Jane, you go check on Jordan. Honey, the effort she put into finding you should count for something.” Kelly stepped forward and pulled Noeul into her arms.
“Thank you.”
“That’s what family is for.”
Noeul wiped her face on the hem of her T-shirt and went to find Jordan.
After searching around the Jeep, she spotted Jordan sitting on a rock near the creek. The dogs were chasing after a stick she’d thrown into the water. “This seat taken?”
Jordan squinted up at her, her eyes shaded with her hand. She patted the ground beside her. Noeul sat down and drew her knees up to her chest to hug them with one arm, while she rested her head on the palm of the other. She looked at Jordan. “You okay?”
“I will be.”
Noeul released her knees and inched her hand over until their fingers touched and Jordan intertwined them. “What’s wrong? Is Max okay?”
Jordan sighed and used her free hand to throw the stick again. “He’s in the rehab center. There’s not much change other than that he’s getting cranky. Sam’s worried about him.”
Noeul squeezed Jordan’s hand. “Do you need to go back? I can ship what you have up at the house if you do.”
“No, no. Sam says there’s nothing for me to do there. Max is medicated. Sam will let me know if, and when, he gets to take Max home. Right now, Max wouldn’t even know I was there.”
“I’m so sorry, Jordan. What can I do?”
Jordan looked at their joined hands and held them up. “You’re doing it.”
“We need to talk about something else.”
Jordan nodded her head. “Us?”
“Yes.” Noeul’s heart was pounding out of her chest. The rhythmic pulse swished in her ears.
“Noeul, the ball is in your court with this. I will respect whatever you want to do, and I mean that. I know what I feel. I will follow your lead. You will have to take the first step. I can’t make it any clearer.”
“What happens at the end of your sabbatical? Let’s say we start this, and eight months passes. W
hat do we do at that point?”
“What happens if I give you my heart and two months from now, you decide you can’t do this? I’ve had my heart shredded before. I’m not relishing the thought of that ever happening again.”
They sat looking at each other for a long time, until they were showered with water from two shaking dogs. “Ewww, you guys. Go play.” Noeul threw the stick for Kyo and Bandit, causing both dogs to streak back into the wide creek and carry it back to shore together.
Jordan tipped her chin to the masses of fur and teeth biting down on the stick as they swam. “They seem to have it figured out. How about we see if we can too?”
Both women turned their heads at the sound of a truck. Noeul heard the screen door slam and saw Kelly walk out to the driveway, smoothing back her hair as she went and put her hands on the truck door.
When Miranda stepped out, she turned to look toward the creek where Noeul sat, still holding Jordan’s hand. Noeul watched, as Miranda put her hands on her hips, shook her head, and began to pull boxes out of the crew cab.
“I’m going to go help.” Jordan stood and dusted off the back of her cargo shorts.
“Jordan, Miranda is going to grill you. It’s in her nature. She means well, so please don’t take offense. Kelly will try to cool her off, I’m sure. Unfortunately, there’s no way to hide that we’ve both been crying. It’s not your fault, but Miranda will see it that way.”
“Ah, the protective big sister, huh?”
“Sort of.”
“Well, I guess I’d better head to the woodshed.”
Noeul swatted her arm and casually looped hers through Jordan’s, as they walked to the truck. She let go when they reached Miranda, whose eyes were scrutinizing them both.
“I’ll help carry this stuff in with Kelly. I’ll be back to help get the animal feed.” Noeul grabbed a box and pulled it from the truck.
“I’ll help her with that, you and Kelly go ahead. We got this, right, Miranda?"
Miranda narrowed her eyes. “Sure, it’ll give us a chance to talk.”
Noeul caught the hard emphasis spoken through gritted teeth. “Hey now, banty rooster, cool your jets. Whatever is running through your head didn’t happen.” Noeul hugged her. “I’m fine.”
Miranda looked at her. “You don’t look fine.”
“Maybe.” Noeul turned to Jordan and watched the trepidation and concern pass across her studied features and dark, expressive eyes. “Somehow, I think that’s about to change.”
***
Jordan watched Noeul walk back toward the house with Kelly, their heads bent close in conversation. “She’s an incredible woman.”
Miranda sighed. “Why has she been crying?”
Jordan straightened her back after she picked up a bag of feed and hefted it to her shoulder. “You’d need to ask her that.”
Miranda picked up two salt blocks, balanced them on her hips and started walking toward the barn. “I’m asking you.”
“Look, Mirand—”
“Don’t you ‘look Miranda’ me. She’s been through hell. Carved a life out for herself, alone, I might add. Your presence here is not only affecting her, but making her cry? That’s fucking great.” Miranda threw down the salt blocks, put her hands on her hips, and faced Jordan.
Jordan set the bag of feed down and spread her feet a bit to find her balance in case Miranda decided to let her fists do her talking before listening to reason. She was sure the woman could pack a punch, given those biceps. “Miranda, I’ve driven from coast to coast to find her. Last night we danced, and we got close, so close we almost got carried away. I could tell she was scared to death, so I told her nothing would happen unless she wanted it to. I said it, and I meant it. A few minutes ago, when you drove up, we were openly discussing those fears. And again, I told her the choice is hers. If she tells me to go, I will. If she tells me to stay, I will. Not you, me, my sister, Kelly, and not even my mother, will make this decision. Noeul will. If you have a problem with that, it’s your issue not mine. If you’re going to take a swing at me, have at it, because I’ve done nothing wrong and absolutely nothing to hurt her. Whatever you’re going to do, you’re doing it for yourself and not her.”
Miranda stood there like a bull close to charging. She laughed and shook her head with her hands still on her hips. Jordan was confused, completely unsure of what to say or do.
“Well, I’ll give you this, you’ve got a backbone. You’re going to need it when it comes to that one. Come on, let’s get that truck unloaded. I need a beer, and from the looks of you, I’d say you need something a little stronger. After that, we’ll talk.” She held up her hands. “Just talk.”
Jordan took a deep breath, relaxed her hands that were balled into fists, and picked up the feed bag. She was still a little leery of being within arm’s reach of Miranda, although fairly confident they’d turned a corner.
Twenty minutes later, they were sitting on the porch, beers in hand and a fifth of Jim Beam between them. Kelly and Noeul came out with plates of sandwiches and chips. Jordan smiled at Noeul and gratefully accepted the offered lunch.
“You‘d better slow down on the shots if we’re riding back up the mountain here in a bit. I don’t need you falling off Thor.”
Jordan bit into the sandwich and smiled. She chewed and held up a finger so as not to talk with her mouth full, a rule her mother strictly enforced. “Don’t worry about me, I haven’t had a single one.” She pointed at Miranda “Although, I wouldn’t let that one over there operate anything more dangerous than the lever on a recliner.”
Noeul reached over and used her thumb to wipe something off the corner of Jordan’s lip. She placed it in her own mouth to clean it off. “Mmm, hot pepper mustard.”
Jordan stopped chewing. Her slack jaw drew a sly smile from Noeul. Jordan closed her eyes and prayed she could avoid groaning out loud at the sight. She took another bite of her sandwich and accepted the shot Miranda handed her.
With a grin, Miranda threw back her own and said, “I’ll bet you need that shot now.”
Jordan’s hand trembled as she clasped the short tumbler. She downed the whiskey in one gulp and visibly shivered as the bourbon slowly burned all the way to her toes.
Noeul picked up the beer beside Jordan’s foot and handed it to her. “You’d better chase that.”
Their fingers brushed, and Jordan felt like she’d stuck a screwdriver into an electrical outlet. A slow, smoldering smile crossed Noeul’s lips, and Jordan’s body heated as if she was surrounded by molten lava. It wasn’t the whiskey. If they didn’t get out of there soon, she’d have to tie her own hands together to keep from ripping Noeul’s clothes off, laying her down on the wooden porch under her feet, and fucking her senseless. She drained three quarters of the beer, as Noeul got up to get something. She returned with a bottle of water.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Now, I will assume you two found some common ground other than what comes in a bottle from Kentucky?”
Miranda chimed in. “We have. You’re a big girl, Noeul. I’ll still drown her in the creek if she hurts you.” She looked at Jordan, who nearly snorted water out of her nose. “And I’ve got two hundred acres to bury you somewhere they’ll never find you, along with owning a tractor big enough to dig the hole.” She tipped back her beer again and took a bite of the sandwich Kelly held for her.
Kelly rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up and eat. Good lord, Jim Beam isn’t going to back you up when Jordan kicks your ass, or Noeul for that matter. Nor is it going to put a heat pack on your back when you throw it out with all that chest puffing you’re doing. I’m positive it’s not our business.” Kelly kissed her cheek. “I love you, you old fool, now eat and soak up some of that liquid courage that’s thinning out the blood trying to reach your brain.”
Jordan and Noeul both laughed, and Jordan sighed contentedly as an arm wrapped around her and a warm hip touched her shoulder. She melted into the embrace and felt her world right
itself.
“If I hurt her, you won’t have to drown me in the creek, I’ll do it myself.” Jordan stood and helped Noeul off the chair’s arm, “Lunch was delicious. Thank you for your hospitality. Time for us to make the trek back up the mountain. Pip will need to be milked, the eggs gathered, and Thor and Athena will need brushing out."
“And those two,” Noeul pointed to Bandit and Kyo, “will need baths.”
Jordan agreed, wrinkling her nose at the dogs that lay panting on the porch. “Maybe I’ll take a bar of your soap and take them out to the falls when we get back.”
***
It was past noon when the group said goodbye, as Noeul and Jordan mounted the horses and turned for home. The return trip was uneventful. Jordan brushed down both Thor and Athena and stored the tack, while Noeul did the milking and gathered the eggs.
Noeul watched Jordan trot off with both dogs at her side and a towel over her shoulder. She smiled at the sight that seemed as natural as if she’d witnessed it a million times before. Deciding she would put together a stir-fry for their evening meal, she appropriately labeled and put away the eggs and milk. She headed outside to gather items for the dish.
Noeul could hear a raised voice coming from the direction Jordan had gone. Not a fearful or an angry tone, by any means, it sounded like frustration and carried through the woods more than she would have expected for the distance. It seemed strange, though she’d never had anyone around other than Miranda and Kelly to have even thought about it.
The dogs have to be doing something to make her crazy. Noeul moved up the trail and through the woods. She stopped right at the tree line, out of sight of the woman trying very hard to scrub down a wiggling Kyo, as Bandit ran back and forth tormenting her.
“Just wait you little jack in the box, you’re next. Kyo, stand still and stop walking. Bandit, go lay down. Stop, both of you.”
Noeul had to cover her mouth with her hand to keep the laughter from revealing her hiding place.
