“Gwen, you need to stop talking,” I said. “You can’t really think I’m a superhero, right?”
“Oh, I don’t think you’re a superhero,” Gwen shot back. “I think you’re a superzero.”
“That’s just lame,” I said. “You can think of better comebacks.”
“I could think of more serious ones, too. Terrorist, for one. Villain. Lawbreaker. Traitor.” Gwen shrugged. “Your mother and her guest gave me plenty of ideas.”
“Hey! Technically, the judges can’t even press charges on me because I’m working to save people,” I argued back. “Cheryl can say what she wants, but at the end of the day, it’s not going to go to trial unless the city judiciary committee thinks it’s prudent to go to trial.”
Gwen said nothing; she just smiled at me, triumphantly.
“That is,” I backtracked immediately, “if I were, in fact, Wingdinger.”
“You just admitted it!”
Rage grumbled through me. “Fine,” I hissed. I stepped forward and grabbed her arm. “Fine, you win.”
“I knew I was right,” she said. “I followed you a few times.”
“Great. Then you really shouldn’t be that surprised that I’m not particularly happy you know,” I said. “Especially since it’s dangerous for you now.”
“Mikey’s not in any danger, and he knows,” Gwen argued back.
“Mikey’s dad works for the agency who’s after me and Starry Knight and the rest of my friends,” I scoffed. “He’s got more protection on him than you will ever have. And if you think for a moment I’m going to go along with your blackmailing scheme, you’ll find my protection somewhat lacking.”
“You’re saying that if I don’t listen to you, you’ll let the Sinisters get me?” Gwen laughed, jerking her arm from my grip. “That’s stupid.”
“It’s a good warning, if nothing else,” I told her. “I’m trying to save the city. You just want to protect yourself from public scorn. That’s a good attitude to have in general, if you want the Sinisters to come and find you.”
“Maybe I’ll let them. And then I’ll tell everyone who you are!”
I scowled. “If you think in doing that I’ll be the one who has the harder fallout, you haven’t thought it through well enough. The demons and monsters here are dangerous, Gwen, even as they come off as silly squabblers. Lockard and the other people who have had their souls taken should be proof I’m right.”
She said nothing, but I could see whispers of fear start to appear on her face.
I have never been more happy and more relieved that I could read emotions. Gwen’s disparity, while it was a tragedy, was secondary to protecting the innocent.
And that reminded me: Adam.
“You know who will get hurt the worst from all this?” I asked. “It’ll be Adam. Surely you don’t want to hurt my brother.”
“He’s nothing like you. He’s innocent.”
“Exactly. He likes you, Gwen. I’d prefer to have you on his side, even if you’re not on mine.”
“I’d never let a child suffer because of you,” Gwen insisted.
“Then let this go.” I shook my head. “You might know that I’m Wingdinger, but you don’t know me. You know the person I was pretending to be, and the person I used to be.”
“I happen to like who you’ve become,” Gwen admitted softly, her temper breaking into tears. “I just wish that didn’t mean I have to give you up.”
She latched onto me, crushing herself into a hug. I just stood there, trying not to move. I didn’t want to encourage her, and I didn’t want her to be hurt.
Too late for that.
“Why wasn’t I good enough?” Gwen asked me.
“Oh, Gwen.” I sighed. “Just stop it, please. You were too good for me. I tried to love you. I really, really tried. I thought it didn’t matter who I loved, as long as they loved me back. But I was wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever been so wrong in all my life, and I don’t think it’s ever cost me so much.”
Gwen just stared at me; I wondered if she was uncertain about my sincerity. I couldn’t blame her. I felt almost like I had broken character with myself, saying things I wouldn’t dream of saying aloud or confessing to anyone, possibly even myself.
“Besides,” I continued, “you’re a good person. You’re smart and fun and talented, and beautiful. I’m . . . just not for you.”
“But I wanted you.”
“Life doesn’t always give you what you want,” I said, finally stepping back.
“That’s easy for you to say.” Gwen huffed and wiped her face, her temper creeping out once more.
I didn’t say anything. It was easy for me to say life wasn’t fair. It’s easy for anyone to say. But it isn’t easy for anyone to live.
And I knew that, too. After all, Starry Knight had her own reservations about our relationship. And even the Prince, with all his knowledge and compassion, was giving me an uncomfortable side of the truth. The dream I’d had briefly passed across my mind’s eye, and I shuddered at its presence. I still didn’t want to think about it.
“I don’t recommend giving Mikey that line when you see him.” Gwen sniffed. “He’ll be less reasonable about it than me.”
“Mikey?”
“Yeah. He’s ticked off with you, big time.”
I snorted. “I can believe it.”
“You deserve it.”
“I know.” I shook my head. “Are we okay for now?” I asked. “I’m going to go settle things with him, I guess.”
“We’re not okay,” Gwen snapped. “But I won’t do anything. Yet.”
“Well, let me know if you decide to do something stupid, then,” I said.
“Hey!”
“Hey, yourself. If you think waiting around for me to learn to love you is a good idea, especially after I told you I tried and it didn’t work, you only have yourself to blame for feeling terrible.”
“I can’t believe I ever liked you,” she grumbled.
“That’s better,” I replied. “Now, can we at least agree to get along where Adam’s involved?”
Gwen didn’t say anything for a long moment. I was about to say something else, but she finally nodded. “I like your brother,” she agreed. “I don’t want to hurt him; especially since he has so little support at home.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“It’s true,” Gwen shot back. “Your mother probably sees him for only a few hours during the day, and I can’t even imagine how your dad does it.”
“One cup of coffee at a time,” I assured her. I mockingly saluted her as I turned to go.
If Gwen was thinking of pulling a mutiny, chances were Mikey’s temper was already making concrete plans. Well, he’d already managed to do that, I thought, recalling that somewhere online there was a picture of me kissing Starry Knight. “I’ll talk to you later then.”
“Wait.”
I turned to face her, and she blushed. “I have a request.”
“What is it?” I groaned.
“I don’t want you to hang around Raiya anymore.” Gwen sniffed. “I don’t want people thinking that she’s the reason that we broke up.”
“Why?” I asked. “She’s not pretty or popular like you, Gwen. I would think it was the highest compliment I could pay you, to dump you for someone like her.” Recalling what Jason and Poncey had told me before, I added, “It’s not like I’m going back to Via Delorosa.”
Gwen’s face, even in the shadows, flushed over an angry red.
I didn’t wait to hear her reply. I left.
☼
17 ☼
More Nightmares
If I thought dealing with Gwen was bad, I was naïve. Turns out, it was just the warm-up session.
I hurried out and away, just wanting to put some distance between Gwen and me. Maybe I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Mikey, or talking to him, or beating him senseless as I imagined, but Gwen’s emotional tirade left a lot to be desired. A lot of coffee to be desired, first and foremost
, I thought.
As I was still unable to call Mikey (no phone replacement yet), I decided to head over to Rachel’s. Gwen’s plea to stay away from Raiya struck me as more vindictive than anything else. Especially since she knew I’d have been just as upset to have to find a new source of caffeine, too.
I stopped walking as a new thought popped into my head. And it was crazy, but I did not immediately dismiss it.
Starry Knight’s alternative crept into my mind. If I fell in love with a human, it was possible I could have a normal, teenage life.
Raiya would fit that, wouldn’t she? I mean, she’d already managed to surprise me quite a few times, and I was not adverse to said surprises. Usually.
I liked her, and I trusted her. And she knew me—the me that wasn’t so great or so nice or so important. She knew the insecure and over-argumentative me.
It would not be hard to fall in love with her, I thought. She was even pretty; though not in the way a lot of people, myself included, would notice at first. But she had the kind of pretty that opens the door to the coffee shop at six in the morning, laughs at you when you’re having a worse day than you need to be, and listens without thinking about how to respond while you’re talking. And I did think that was pretty pretty, even beautiful, in a mysterious kind of way.
“What’s wrong?” Elysian asked, his head popping out from my back pocket.
“Nothing.” I shook my head to clear my thoughts, only to find myself in Shoreside Park. I was surprised I’d made it there so quickly. Or so intentionally.
This was where Mikey ran away to when he became corrupted by that Sinister, I recalled.
But as I looked around, I knew I was in the right place. This was where he would come, I thought. This was the place we used to play sports together when we were younger—everything from Ultimate Frisbee, to football to soccer. This was where he would come after running away from his home if his mother was having one of her episodes.
He had to be here, I thought. Surely, this was where he would go when he was upset at his best friend.
Of course, I didn’t think I would likely be considered his best friend still.
“What are you doing here?” Mikey’s voice was low and soft against the afternoon wind.
“Mikey.” I turned and saw him, sitting on the same rock where, months ago, Adam found Raiya when he’d run away from me. “What on Earth did you write on your blog?” I demanded to know.
“The truth,” he said, making me even more mad. “Not that you would have actually read it, I see.”
Okay, so he was right about that. “I don’t need to relive everything you write about,” I replied defensively. “It’s not all fun and games, fighting the Sinisters. It’s hard work, and some of it is actually pretty scary.”
“At least it’s the truth,” he spat back, unable to think of anything more original. “You’ve lied to me.”
“Lied to you?” I repeated. “You don’t know—”
“I do know. I saw you!” Mikey cried.
“What?” I was confused.
“I saw you with her,” Mikey said as he gritted his teeth in anger. “I saw you kiss her. Don’t deny it.”
I felt my body go numb as he accused me. I knew I deserved this one. I knew I was guilty. But it still didn’t make the squeamish feeling inside of me easier to deal with. If anything, it made it worse. “Mike—”
“Stop it! Don’t try to coddle me on this one, Dinger. It won’t work,” Mikey yelled back. “I can’t forgive you for this. Of all the grief you’ve given me over the years, this is the last straw.”
I didn’t—couldn’t—say anything to that. At least, not right away.
Mikey continued, “You always do this to me, you know. You always take what I want! I forgave you before—”
“Whoa, what are you talking about?” I interrupted. “You know I can’t help my superpowers.”
“I’m not talking about that,” Mikey growled.
I was even more confused now. “Then what are you talking about?”
Mikey was flabbergasted. He flushed red as he said, “Gwen.”
“Gwen?”
Huh? What?
“Don’t be dumb, Dinger. Not now. You knew I liked Gwen before.”
“What? That was years ago—back in junior high! You never said anything about it, either—”
“Yeah, because you started talking over me, saying how much you liked her and how you wanted to date her and all that dribble, after you broke up with Via.”
As Mikey continued to rant, I suddenly remembered. Mikey had been looking at Gwen longingly for the first week they’d first known each other. And me, being myself, only concerned for myself, had spouted out my most desirable wishes to date Gwen the first chance I got, even after I’d realized Mikey liked her. And it was (mostly) to stop Mikey from going after her.
And it worked.
“—and now, you betrayed me even more. You knew I liked Starry Knight, but that didn’t stop you from going after her at all!”
Mikey stopped there to glare at me.
“Mike.” I felt all of my anger disperse. Mikey was justified in hating me. So were a lot of others, I realized, but that wasn’t the point. There were very few people I trusted more than Mikey, and there were very few people I’d managed to hurt more. “Mikey, I’m so—”
“Don’t you dare apologize to me,” Mikey warned. “I’m tired of you. All your lies, all your politics, and all your crap! You can just go. And stay away from Starry Knight. She’s mine, do you hear me!?”
It was at that point I was ready to object. “You can’t make me stay away from her,” I said. “She told you from the start, you weren’t for her, and that was her choice.”
“She might’ve liked me, if you hadn’t gotten in the way again!”
“I wasn’t in your way!” I allowed my anger to blossom from a spark into a full-fledged fire. “I let you swoon over her, sigh over her, gape at her . . . everything. She talked with you, protected you, and still rejected you. Get over yourself. It’s not all my fault you didn’t get what you wanted.”
Elysian, at that point, was more than awkwardly shifting his feet around in the dirt; he was pointedly trying to get me to agree to leave.
I caught the hint and turned away from Mikey. There was bitterness in my voice as I added, “Besides, she’s not sure about me, either.”
I thought about how she wanted to die for her own duty more than she wanted to live for me. How living was something she actually needed to be convinced to do. The full insult of it all hit me anew as I stood there, my own future with Starry Knight uncertain. “So I really don’t know what your problem is.”
Then I followed Elysian’s lead and took off in the opposite direction, leaving Mikey all alone.
*☼*
Later, I curled up on my bed for the night, my pillow clutched to my chest. Elysian was at the foot of my bed, but I could tell my dragon was not asleep. And I figured Elysian probably guessed I wasn’t asleep either. We’d gotten used to each other over the past year.
I bit my lip as I stared determinedly at the wall. If sleep would not come, I would thwart my emotional upheaval by other means. Any other means.
What I told Mikey was the truth. Several days had passed, and nothing happened. It looked like Starry Knight had more or less rejected me, too. As much as she loved me, she didn’t want to be with me.
The hurt welled up in me like a tumor, choking me. I’d never felt this way before; not when I broke up with Via, and not when Gwen fought with me over our future.
Pain stung through my body, surprisingly violent for something I had a hard time even saying.
All I wanted was her. And she didn’t want me.
☼
18 ☼
Logistics
Alora, the Star of Time, told me once that time had a way of healing things.
After the next several days, I decided Alora was a liar of the worst sorts, and even if she had been telling the tr
uth, she didn’t make my time go any faster so I could get to the happier parts of life once more. So she was still a terrible person.
It didn’t take me long to decide I much preferred Starry Knight’s way of healing pain. It was quicker, and I didn’t have to feel things after her power washed through me.
Aleia was not my favorite person to deal with, either; she was the one who told me that she was in charge of the more “personal side” of time, being the Guardian Star of Memory. She could not do anything for my heart’s ache, either.
In fact, she was surprised when I asked her about it.
“What do you mean?” she asked. “You’re not physically hurt.”
“So?” I asked. “My friends hate me and Starry Knight doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me.”
“You can’t say that. Only she can speak for herself.”
“Well, herself has a great way of avoiding a conversation. I haven’t seen her at all this month, and it’s driving me crazy.”
“It’s only the second week of November,” Aleia reminded me.
“So? Can’t you see I’m hurting?”
“Our powers are not supposed to be used frivolously, Hamilton.”
“She could at least show up to check up on the meteorite again,” I replied, ignoring her remark. “That doesn’t require her to fight demons; she just has to transform.”
Aleia sighed. “It’s good you’re in pain,” she said.
“What!?” I scoffed. “You know, I thought I would like you. But it’s almost like Elysian’s rubbing off on you too much. You need to limit your time with him from now on.”
“I resent that,” Elysian said from his position on the ground between us. He had settled into a small snake position, curled up in a ball, as we chatted outside Aleia’s home church.
Aleia’s muffled giggle did nothing to pacify me. “I didn’t say it to mean you deserve to be in pain,” she clarified. “I meant, it’s good that you’re hurting because you valued the relationships, and now that they’re not there, it hurts.”
Remembering (The Starlight Chronicles Book 4) Page 13
