Free to Love

by Leah Atwood

  “Feels like it’s actually warmed up a bit in the last hour.” He added another log to the fire. “By tomorrow, we might not need a fire.”

  “I do miss the warmer weather. Myra Decatur came in earlier and said wildflowers are in bloom all along the way to town, so the warm temperatures should soon be here to stay.”

  “Myra Decatur?”

  “A childhood friend. She married Louis Decatur three years ago and lives on his ranch, five miles south of town.” She set her mending down in her lap. “We should invite them for supper next Saturday.”

  Cord scratched his neck. “I… uh… that’s not a good day.”

  “Will you be working? That’s okay. We’ll find another day.”

  “No, not working.” He wouldn’t look at her, and his voice became gruff. “I’ll be doing repairs on the Widow Raskin’s house.” He dropped his tone so low, it took great strains to hear him. “Monthly service duty.”

  The ashamed countenance he projected hurt her heart. She stood up and draped the dress she’d been mending over the chair, then walked to Cord. “I’m thankful for meeting you. You’re an honorable man.”

  A twisted smile formed on his lips. “An odd choice of words considering how we met.”

  “Don’t let one incident determine who you are.” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “You were in a tough situation. I’m not sure what I’d have done in your place, but often, the solutions aren’t clear. What is important, is that you care.”

  “And what good did it do?” He snorted. “Because of me, Coralie’s probably gone hungry for two months and counting.”

  Josie poked a finger to his chest. “No, because of you, Coralie didn’t go hungry for all those months before when you were sending money. That you care that much about your sister is commendable, but ultimately, your Pa and Ma are responsible for her, not you.”

  “And what about Sissy?” His eyebrows rose. “You feel responsible for her because she has no parents to take care of her. That’s how I feel about Coralie. Just because my parents are living, doesn’t mean they take care of her. Pa hasn’t seen a minute’s sobriety in years. Ma does her best, but she’s worn down from years of Pa’s abuse.”

  “Fair enough.” She admired his loyalty toward Coralie. His love for her confirmed that she’d made the right decision in whom to pick for her husband. Emboldened, she stood on her tiptoes and dusted a quick kiss on his cheek, the bristly hairs of his beard tickling her lips.

  Cord stepped backward, so fast Josie wondered if she’d been too forward with her kiss. They were married, but shared none of the physical affections of a husband and wife. When he smiled, reassurance filled her.

  “Stay right here,” he told her. “There’s something I want to give you.”

  She didn’t move an inch. A minute later, Cord returned and handed her a brown package, wrapped with string.

  “Should I open it now?” It was heavier than it looked, and she rotated it, looking at it from a different angle.

  “Yes.” His lips clamped after he answered, and he looked at her with anxiousness.

  Her fingers slid under the string, nudging it loose. Freed from its constraints, the brown paper concealing the gift slackened and Josie peeled it away to reveal an ornate hand mirror. “It’s beautiful.”

  “I noticed your old one was cracked.” His voice was wobbly, lacking its usual steadiness. “I saw this one and wanted to do something nice for you, my way of saying ‘thank you’ for what you’ve done.”

  It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for her. Overcome with emotion, at first, all she could do was nod. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Thank you.”

  She held the mirror in front of her, examining her reflection. Tired eyes stared back at her, and she had a smudge on her cheek. Her hair was all over the place. “Maybe I should have waited until the morning, after I’ve slept and look fresh, to look at myself.”

  “I think you look just fine as you are.” He reached out and smoothed a hand over her hair. “Goodnight, Josie.” He planted a kiss on her lips, so brief she half thought she’d imagined it. Before she could say anything else, he’d turned away and walked to the second bedroom, where he’d been sleeping in a makeshift bed.

  A finger traced her mouth. Her joy at his kiss was quickly replaced by hurt at his rapid departure.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Cord rolled out of bed and stretched his arms, his shoulder muscles feeling the relief. All night he’d tossed and turned, berating himself for departing the room so quickly, leaving Josie standing alone. He should have stayed.

  He was a coward.

  She’d stood there, so pretty and grateful-looking. And she’d kissed his cheek. No one had ever treated him with such affection—he didn’t know what to do with it. So, he’d hurriedly kissed her, something he’d been wanting to do for days, and then ran. He felt things he’d never before for a woman, stirrings in his heart, which were not part of his plan.

  What if it turned to love? The thought terrified him, more than facing a charging one ton bull. He liked Josie, probably more than he’d ever liked anyone, but love? No, he couldn’t allow himself to love anyone. Ma claimed she and Pa loved each other, and look where that had gotten them.

  Regardless, he couldn’t hide from Josie. For better or worse, she was his wife, and he’d try his best to be a good husband. So far, he wasn’t doing too well. He realized, long after he’d heard her retire to her room, that he never gave her the opportunity to discuss what she’d had on her mind.

  After dressing himself, he went into the common area, where he saw Josie at the stove. “Good morning.”

  She turned quickly, her eyes wide like she wasn’t expecting him. Why she wouldn’t, he didn’t know, unless he’d given her insecurities by his actions, which he wouldn’t doubt. “Breakfast is simple this morning, fried eggs and leftover bread.”

  “That sounds fine.” He edged closer to her. “I’m sorry I left so abruptly last night.”

  “Here’s your food.” She thrust a plate his way, not acknowledging his apology.

  A rush of fear circulated through his blood. Josie wasn’t acting herself—he’d never seen her standoffish like this. He laid the plate on the table behind him then reached for Josie’s arm. A bead of moisture was almost hidden by her thick lashes, but he didn’t miss it.

  His heart constricted. He’d made her cry. See, he wasn’t any good at this love-type stuff. He hadn’t the faintest notion how to make a woman happy. The mirror had been his best effort and somehow, even that had gotten muddled.

  “I really am sorry, Josie.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You gave me a lovely gift.” She blinked twice. “Let’s sit down and enjoy our breakfast.”

  “Okay.” He sat down on the bench, there were no chairs at the small table. “What did you want to talk about last night? You said there was something you wish to discuss.”

  There was clanging noise, followed by a cup of coffee being set beside his plate. Josie took a seat across from him. “I heard back from the orphanage. The telegram came yesterday.”

  He finished chewing the bite of his eggs. “What did it say?”

  “You must come with me to complete an adoption.” Defeat rang in her words.

  That wasn’t the answers he’d hoped for, and it made him feel that much worse. By the terms of the agreement, he couldn’t travel the twenty-some odd miles to Dallas without being in breach of the contract he’d signed. It was a major factor both he and Josie had neglected to consider. He’d never intended for her to go alone, but he’d hoped that he could hire someone to travel with her for protection. Despite the fact she’d previously made the trip alone, he wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement.

  Another failure to add to his growing pile.

  But he could make this one right. “I’ll go.”

  “But you can’t.” The hope hidden deep beneath her sharp protest wrenched his gut. “You could go back to jai
l.”

  “This is important to you, the entire reason why we married.” He took a deep breath and braved reaching across the table to cover her hand with his. “I’m sure if anyone finds out, Sheriff Daniels will understand, but if not, it’s a risk I’ll have to take.”

  “I can’t ask that of you.”

  “You didn’t ask. I offered.” He squeezed her hand. “I need to do this for you.”

  Josie’s eyes shone. “When can we go?”

  “In two weeks? I’ll have to talk to Max and make arrangement to have two days off work.”

  “Yes, yes. Thank you.” Her exuberance turned to shyness, and she gave a pointed look to their hands.

  Deliberately, he loosened his grip and stood. “Did you make any plans for after church?”

  “No. Since the bakery’s closed on Sundays, I usually invite someone over if I haven’t already been invited somewhere, but today’s schedule is free.”

  “Good.” Smiling, he decided on an impromptu gesture to make up for last night. “How would you feel about taking a ride out of town and having a picnic among the wildflowers?”

  “I’d like that.” She also stood. “There is still time before we have to leave for church. I’ll pack some bread and ham slices. Could you go into the bakery and grab the few slices of apple pie.”

  The smile on her face could have lit a darkened room. This time, he wouldn’t ruin it by running away.

  HOLDING TWO CORNERS of an old quilt, Cord helped Josie spread the covering over a layer of springtime green grass. All around them, fields of wildflowers dotted the landscape with color. This had always been Cord’s favorite time of year. When spring came, he knew he had a good number of months ahead that he could spend outdoors, keeping his mind and body busy.

  It was the dreaded winter months that threatened his sanity. Too many hours indoors gave him too much time to think and ponder the lot he’d been given in life. This winter had been the worst, the latter half of it spent in prison. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but wonder if his trip to the orphanage would put him back there. All he could do was pray that he made the right decision, and in his heart, he knew the proper thing to do was to help Josie adopt Sissy, no matter the cost.

  He shoved the thought aside, not allowing the solemn thought to ruin the beauty of the day. Josie looked at him, a healthy glow painted on her cheeks. Seeing her happy had become his priority, that and knowing Coralie was safe.

  “What are you thinking about?” Josie paused her removal of the basket’s contents and stared at him.

  “Coralie. I have a bad feeling that I can’t explain.” A breeze blew some stray flower petals onto the quilt, and Cord picked them up, moving them to the grass. “On our way home from the orphanage, would you mind if we take a short detour and check on them? My family’s place isn’t too far off the route we’ll take to Dallas.”

  “Of course I don’t mind. I’d love to meet your sister.” She unwrapped the pie from a piece of cloth and grinned. “I have a crazy idea. Let’s eat the pie first.”

  Cord laughed, certain he would never have a dull moment with his wife. Maybe next winter wouldn’t be so bad.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Only a month had passed since she’d last made the trip to Dallas, but she’d forgotten what miles along a bumpy trail could do to a body. She and Cord had left Mucksbe while the moon still shone brightly. Their purpose for such an early departure was two-fold—to leave under a shroud of darkness as to not draw attention to themselves leaving town, and to arrive in Dallas early enough to complete the adoption that day. She’d told people she would close to visit a friend, but they didn’t know that friend was Sissy, nor did they know Cord would be going with her.

  Josie sat rigid on the wagon seat, staring at the orphanage in front of her. They’d made it. Soon, Sissy would be back with her. Sissy, Cord, and she would be a family, a happy one she hoped.

  Cord touched her arm. “Are you ready?”

  She let loose a long breath. “Yes.”

  After dismounting, Cord came to her side and lifted her down from the wagon. She took a good look at him, still amazed how handsome he was all cleaned up. The first few times she’d seen him, she’d found him attractive, but in a wild way. Now, he still held a rugged appeal, but his beard was neatly trimmed, his clothes clean and not tattered. Yesterday, he’d gotten a haircut and his wavy brown hair no longer reached his neck.

  No one seeing him for the first time would have any inclination he’d been convicted of theft. She was counting on that, and his clean image, to ensure there’d be no complications with the adoption. Mr. Jeffers hadn’t said anything, but also, she’d not volunteered any information about Cord’s past, only stating that he was employed by the livery. Telegrams were too costly to include more information than pertinent, especially if that information could hamper the adoption.

  Taking her arm, Cord slipped it through his and escorted her into the two story orphanage. There was no noise, no children’s laughter echoing against the walls. It was a sterile environment.

  “I suppose there are childhoods worse than mine.” Cord looked around, frowning. “At least I could escape outside.”

  “Mr. Jeffers is a good man.” Josie agreed with Cord, but knew the orphanage’s director tried his best. “He cares for the children but has limited resources. His wife is the only help he has here.”

  “I meant no offense to the man, Josie.” They continued walking and saw a young boy sitting on a bench outside Mr. Jeffers’ office. “It was only a realization that my life was not ideal, but it could have been worse.”

  She put a hand on Cord’s arm to stop him. “This is the office.”

  He withdrew his arm and knocked on the door. A hollow sound reverberated through the halls.

  “Come in,” Mr. Jeffers answered from inside his office.

  Cord pushed the door open and motioned her through. “After you.”

  She took a deep breath and walked in the room. “Good afternoon, Mr. Jeffers.”

  The older man’s face paled. “Good to see you, Miss Pearson,” he said in a scratchy voice.

  “It’s Mrs. McGraw now. Mr. Jeffers, I’d like to introduce you to my husband, Cord McGraw.”

  Mr. Jeffers stood and came around to the front of his desk. “You’re a lucky man, Mr. McGraw. I’ve gotten to know your wife over the last several months and she’s a good lady.”

  “Yes, she is.” Turning his head, Cord gave her a brief smile. “We’ve come to finalize the adoption for Sissy.”

  A loud cough came from Mr. Jeffers and he blanched. “Did you not get my telegram? I’m not sure how to tell you this, but Sissy is no longer here.”

  “No.” Josie’s heart dropped to the floor. “What do you mean?”

  “Why don’t we sit down?” Mr. Jeffers gestured toward two wooden chairs that were painted white.

  For a second she looked at Cord, who nodded. They sat down and she folded her hands in her lap. Anxious and fearful, her limbs trembled, and she was grateful for the chair. Cord must have seen her shaking, and he reached over and took hold of a hand.

  “Where is Sissy?” Cord asked. “Josie has wanted nothing more than to take her home today.”

  Mr. Jeffers drummed his fingers against his desk. “Sissy was adopted on Thursday.”

  “But you knew I was coming for her.” She felt numb, her dream crushed.

  “Unfortunately, ma’am, we hear too often that someone is coming for a child but never shows up.”

  “You know I wouldn’t abandon her.” Jumping up and forcing Cord’s hand aside, she practically shouted the words.

  “I understand that, but there are rules I must follow. If a family wishes to adopt and meets all criteria, then I can’t deny them the child they request.” He sounded remorseful, but for all her efforts, she couldn’t understand why this was happening.

  She felt a hand on her shoulder. Cord was by her side. His presence was the only thing helping her at the moment.
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  “Can you tell us about the family?” He nudged her to sit back down again, and she did. Only then, did he sit again as well.

  A small smile formed on Mr. Jeffers’ mouth. “They are a good family, I assure you. The father is a minister and well-loved among his congregation.”

  “Are there any other children in the family?” She pinched a gathering of her dress, twisting it. The nervous habit helped to ease her urge to scream. Or cry. Or both.

  “Yes—two boys and another girl.” Mr. Jeffers took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his nose. “If it’s any consolation, the family took right to Sissy, and she to them. She’ll have a good life Miss Pearson, er, Mrs. McGraw.”

  Josie sighed, trying to hide the heaviness that hovered over her. Ultimately, it was Sissy’s wellbeing that was most important. To continue her melancholy would be selfish. “I’m glad she’ll be in a happy home with brothers and sisters.”

  “May I have a few minutes to speak with my wife, Mr. Jeffers?”

  Cord’s request surprised her. Truthfully, all she wanted was to retreat into quiet. She could rejoice for Sissy, but it didn’t take away her own pain and disappointment.

  “Certainly. It’s almost dinner time. I’ll go ask Mrs. Jeffers if she needs any help.” He pushed away from the desk and walked to the door. “If you need me, I’ll be in the dining hall.”

  Once he had left, Cord turned to face her. “I’m really sorry we can’t adopt Sissy. I know how much she meant to you.”

  “It was not meant to be. I must find a way to accept that.” Somehow, she succeeded in refraining from crying.

  “Nonetheless, I’m still sorry.” He bit his bottom lip, appearing nervous. “I was thinking, we did get married so that you could adopt Sissy. I know she can’t be replaced, but there are other children who need a family. Would you consider adopting another child?”

  Her eyes widened, and she blinked several times. Did Cord, the man who didn’t think himself worthy of being a father, just suggest adopting a child? “You… you want to adopt?”