“Can we go for coffee and I’ll tell you everything?”
She smiles and nods. “I like you, but I’m scared.”
“I like you,” I say.
“But you’re scared, too?” she asks.
I take a step closer to her. “A little. You see the real me, and I’m worried it’s not enough.”
“It’s more than enough.”
She puts her arms around me, and we kiss.
Twenty-Five
Tuesday, October 29
5:45 P.M.
I exit the Starbucks with the largest coffee possible and head to SPA. A familiar walk—I could do it with my eyes shut—but tonight, I’m on my way to make history. That’s dramatic, but it will be special. A warm, nervous excitement builds in my chest as I think about opening night of my first professional show. Don’t know why I even got the coffee—I’m wired for all the obvious reasons.
I didn’t go to school today. Aunt Lil said it was a “mental health day” and called SPA with an excuse. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate anyway and didn’t want to talk to everyone about the show. I needed time to rest and get my mind right. I spent the day napping, watching TV, and trying not to freak out.
This afternoon, in between naps, I took a selfie and posted it with a lengthy caption about the truth about my parents, the conversion therapy, and how important Conversion will be for the LGBTQ community. I’m ready to be more honest about my life in hopes that someone else will connect with my story and feel less alone. Ajax isn’t the dream role. But he’s just one story—like I am one story—and I could bring awareness to trans issues. I want to make a difference, and that starts with playing Ajax the best I can. The post got a bunch of likes and new follows, but I’m going to pay less attention to that stuff.
Betty told me there will be reviewers at the show tonight. Usually there are preview performances with no press, which allows for the smoothing of small bumps of any new show, but Conversion is only running at SPA for two weeks and the buzz needs to build fast to make the Broadway transfer happen.
I want my parents in the audience. But they will not be there, and I need to accept that fact. Maybe even use it. I stop walking and take a deep breath. There’s nothing I can do to change my parents’ minds. It’s out of my control. But my life, and my performance, are in my control. I start walking again and hope the empty aloneness will get better over time. I occupy my mind by running scenes in my head and saying my lines out loud. It’s New York—no one looks twice if you’re talking to yourself.
When I get to the school, I walk past the front entry. We’ve been instructed to come in through the side entrance by the dumpsters. Guess that’s our stage door. I see a small group of people gathered by the doorway. Must be fans of the other actors? When I get closer, I realize I know all the people.
Aunt Lil and Davina are here with a bouquet of flowers. Mr. Daniels and Anna, too. Elijah, Meena, and Juliet wave at me and snap pictures. I walk toward the group with my mouth open, in total shock.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
They laugh and circle around me. “August,” Aunt Lil says, “we’re here to support you.”
“I just wanted to stand by the dumpsters,” Anna jokes.
“We are so proud of you,” Davina says.
“You’re all coming to the show?” I ask, stunned.
“I got a great group deal,” Aunt Lil says.
“Thank you, new favorite auntie,” Elijah jokes.
“August,” Mr. Daniels says. “Do you remember your super-objective paper?”
“Yes,” I say, shooting a look to Anna, who has also read it. “I said I wanted to play male or female parts and not transgender roles. Guess I didn’t achieve my super-objective. Did you come here to tell me you’re lowering my grade?” I kid.
“I would disagree.” He pulls a paper out of his pocket. “You did say those things, but you also said, and I quote, ‘I want to move the audience, make them feel things, think about things, and leave the theater changed. I want to be a star.’” He hands me the paper. “I imagine you’ll be doing those things tonight.”
“Hell yes, he’s a star,” Anna shouts.
“But why come before the show?” I ask.
“Good question,” Aunt Lil says. “We wanted you to know something before you went onstage.” Aunt Lil pulls out a note-card. She wrote a speech. “August, your parents are your parents. They are your blood and you will forever be connected to them, for better or worse. But your parents aren’t your family. A family is a unit of people who believe in you, want the best for you, support and love you.” She looks up from the card and finds my eyes. “They love you no matter what. They love you for you. August, we are your family. Each person here would do anything for you. Your parents may not be here, but we are. And we will always be your family.”
“Your chosen family,” Davina says.
I look at all of them. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t actors always know what to say?” Aunt Lil jokes.
“I guess I want to thank you. Thank you, Anna, for being my first friend. And Elijah for making life more fun. And Davina for the solid advice and loving my aunt. Thank you, Mr. Daniels, for making me a better actor, and Juliet for saving my life. And thank you, Aunt Lil, for changing my world. If you’re my family, then I’m the luckiest guy in New York City.”
They all hug me at once, and the warmth and love make me feel like I’ll never be alone again. I am August Greene. I’m transgender. I’m an actor. I have a dream. I lost my parents but found a family.
THE END
Acknowledgments
When a musical is over, the lights come up, the audience cheers, and the cast takes a bow. Being on that stage is both gratifying and humbling, and exactly what everyone who helped create this book deserves. A moment in the spotlight. Loud applause. A big bow. Thank you for helping me, you have all my gratitude. Please take a bow while I clap loudly (which makes it difficult to type.).
First bow goes to Bob McSmith. My musical cowriter. My best friend. Your heart is true. You’re a pal and confidant. Life would have sucked without you. Together, we created eight parody musicals that have played around the world. And it’s been an honor and a pleasure to walk side by side with you on this incredible journey. I have no doubt we created things in a past life, and I’m certain we will create things in the next. Thank you for being a friend.
Second bow is for every human who worked on our musicals over the past fifteen years. The actors, directors, choreographers, composers, musical directors, musicians, stage managers, set designers, lighting designers, costume designers, sound designers (all the designers!), the crew, marketing and press agents, anyone I forgot, and the producers. I’m proud of what we created. You are all McSmiths. We are always family. I’ll never forget our time together creating something special. They were truly the best times of my life.
I was writing chapter two of this book when the world went into lockdown and theaters went dark. This book was my escape to a world where the show went on and the audience was full. The next bows go to the people who helped me survive the pandemic. Thank you to Ka-va Bar for keeping me connected (but still six feet away) to amazing people. Thanks to Rich, Michelle, Lee, Jennifer, David, Brian, Baily, Adie (my favorite!), Shane, Sam, Warren, Nazar, Taniyah, Jesse, Michael, Matt, Ming, Nikhil, Oleg, Anna, Ryan, Scott, Al, Emily, Glenn, Emma, and especially Alberto. Thanks to Vanessa and Misfits Ka-va Bar for inspiring me and raising a bunch of money for the Stay Gold Fund. I’m grateful to have a community of creative misfits and inspiring individuals.
Mom and Glenn, I love you. As you walk out on-stage, I hand you a freaking huge bouquet of flowers and give you a big hug. Thank you for all the love and support over the years. You are exceptional parents. And I will never be cooler than y’all!
Big bows for the people who helped educate and inform me about acting, directing, growing up trans, and performing arts schools. Thank you for yo
ur time, Donald Garverick and Caleb Cummings. Rachel Evans, thank you for sharing your knowledge and acting class at LaGuardia High School. Thank you to the trans community for your stories and experiences.
Two kitty bows for Bam-Bam and Bananas. You are very special cats who can’t read this and will never truly know how much I love you.
To my agents at ICM Partners, I am clapping and whistling and yelling for you. Enormous thanks to the best book agent in town, Tina Dubois. Your support and encouragement and honesty has made me a better writer and person. I’m forever indebted to Nichole Borrelli Hearn, thank you for always seeing my potential. And Alicia Gordon, wow, it’s been an honor to have you in my corner. You have all moved mountains so I could see my dreams come true and I am forever grateful.
The crowd goes wild for the strikingly beautiful cover designed by David DeWitt with amazing art by Little Corvus. It’s been an absolute honor to have David and Teo create all three of my covers, and they nail it every single time. Teo, you are an unbelievably talented artist. Allison Michael Orenstein, thank you for making me look so dang handsome in my author photos.
HarperCollins, take a bow! Thank you for employing me for sixteen years and publishing two of my books. You have made my life better every day. Thanks to the sales team (best in the world!), I will always be house proud. All my love and appreciation to every person and department working hard to bring beautiful and important books to the world. I always know I have the smartest and most wonderful people working on my books. I miss working beside you and have endless gratitude for what you have done for me.
I could not cheer loud enough for all the booksellers and librarians out there. I admire everything about you and what you do. You are the true heroes! Your support and friendships have been the unexpected surprise of being an author.
The crowd is on their feet for my editor, Andrew Eliopulos. Thank you for helping me navigate this story. You are a genius. I am rooting for you on your next chapter in life and am immensely lucky I got to work with you on two books. Thank you, Rosemary Brosnan, the coolest person at HarperCollins. Thank you, Bria Ragin, Laura Harshberger, and Jackie Hornberger and Jenny Moles. And to Alyssa Miele, my new editor, it’s already been a joy to team up. You are thoughtful and smart and I can’t wait for our time together.
Here comes the big finish. Everyone on stage locks hands and takes a bow together. The audience is on their feet and louder than ever. The stage is filled with so many people—everyone I mentioned and everyone I forgot. Thank you for making this book happen. I couldn’t have done it without you. After the final bow, we hug, maybe cry, then head backstage to hug and cry some more. We are sad because it’s over, but proud of what we created, and ready to do it all again tomorrow.
About the Author
Photo by Allison Michael Orenstein
TOBLY McSMITH is the co-creator/writer of eight somewhat successful musical parodies, including Friends! The Musical Parody (New York, North American Tour, Vegas Residence). Tobly is also the author of Stay Gold, his debut novel. This is his second. Tobly was born in Texas. He now lives in New York City with his two cats, Bam-Bam and Bananas McSmith. Tobly is proud to be transgender.
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Copyright
Quill Tree Books is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
ACT COOL. Copyright © 2021 by Tobly McSmith. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Cover art © 2021 by Little Corvus
Cover design by David DeWitt
* * *
Digital Edition SEPTEMBER 2021 ISBN: 978-0-06-303859-2
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-303856-1
* * *
2122232425PC/LSCH10987654321
FIRST EDITION
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Act Cool Page 26
