by Marie Force
“He said it would be sent to the office sometime today.”
“I’ll get it to you as soon as it arrives.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t give up, Flynn. Whatever happened between you and Natalie, you can fix it. You guys are the real deal. You can’t give up.”
I cling to her assurances that it can be fixed, but I’m not at all certain that’s the case. “I fucked up bad, Addie.”
“She’s crazy about you. Whatever happened, you have to remember that.”
“I’m trying.”
“I’ll be over to let in the workers to fix the window, and I’ll get you the phone as soon as we have it.”
“I’m at Mo’s now, but I’ll be home later.”
“I’ll see you then. Hang in there, okay?”
“Okay.” What choice do I have? Natalie hasn’t left me with any alternative but to wait until she’s had time to wrap her head around what happened this morning. I end the call with Addie and hand the phone back to Marlowe.
“She found out about the BDSM, didn’t she?” Marlowe asks. I consider Marlowe my “fourth sister,” but she’s the only “sister” who knows about the BDSM.
“Yeah. Fucking Valerie told her. Can you believe it?” I want to find my vindictive bitch of an ex-wife and kill her every way I can think of.
“Ouch.”
“And then I made it worse by lying to her about it when Valerie had already told her where she could find the room in my house. So she knew I was lying.” I’m up again, pacing the deck. “I did it for all the right reasons, Mo. You’ll never convince me otherwise. There’s no way she could handle that side of me after what she’s been through in the past, so I tucked it away and chose her over the lifestyle.”
“What was your plan for when you couldn’t hide it from her anymore?”
I start to reply, but she holds up her hand to stop me. “It’s not a choice, Flynn. It’s who you are. It’s who you’ve always been, and you’ve already ruined one marriage by trying to be someone other than who you are.”
“This was different. Natalie isn’t Valerie.”
“No, she isn’t. She’s made of much better stuff. Valerie could only dream of being a fraction of the person Natalie is.”
“So what’re you saying?”
“If you can’t be yourself with her, Flynn, truly and completely yourself, she’s not the one for you. We’ve all tried to have relationships outside the lifestyle, and they’ve ended in disaster because none of us can deny who and what we are. You know this.”
“I love her, Mo. I love her like I’ve never loved anyone. I love her more than I love myself, which is why I left the lifestyle for her. I still believe it’s the right thing for her.”
“But is it the right thing for you? You matter in this relationship, too.”
“She matters more.”
“Flynn… Come on.”
“I gotta go.” Suddenly, I can’t stay here and pace anymore. I feel like a pent-up tiger who needs to bust loose and roar from the rage and fear that have overtaken him.
Marlowe follows me inside. “Don’t go. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“I can’t sit still. I gotta do something.”
“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
“What could be worse than lying to my wife and driving her away?”
“A lot of things.” She gestures to the Ducati that’s parked in front of her house. “Like wrapping yourself around a telephone pole or driving off the Pacific Coast Highway.”
I kiss her forehead. “I won’t do either of those things. I promise. Thanks for listening.”
“Call me later and let me know how you are.”
“I will.” I drive off, determined to keep my promise to be careful, but I’m half-tempted to aim for one of the steep cliffs that line the PCH. If I’ve lost Natalie for good, I’d rather be dead than be forced to live without her.
After crying all the way to LAX, I get on the plane that was supposed to take Flynn and me to Mexico for our honeymoon. The security guys with me won’t hear of me flying commercially, which is just as well since my credit card is nearly maxed out anyway.
Two of Flynn’s security personnel, Josh and Seth, have insisted on accompanying me, even though I told them it’s not necessary. They tell me they’re under orders, and it’s not up to me.
Great. Since I’m apparently stuck with them, I decide to ignore their hulking presence as we prepare for takeoff. I try to stay focused on the fact that I’m going to see my sister Candace for the first time in eight years. If I think about Candace—and only Candace—I can breathe. If I allow myself to think about Flynn and the scene at his house this morning, my chest begins to ache, and all I want to do is cry.
I’ve been away from him only a few hours, and I already miss him like I haven’t seen him in a year. Still, I did the right thing. I refuse to be in a marriage that’s based on lies. He’s lied to me for weeks. He married me without telling me he’s a sexual dominant. The hard part is, I understand and even appreciate why he did it.
He was thinking of my painful past as a sexual assault survivor. He was deeply affected by the episode on our wedding night when he pinned down my hands while we were making love, triggering a flashback from the assault. I screamed and cried, and he was right there with me through it all. I love him. I love every minute I’ve gotten to spend with him, even the difficult ones.
But I can’t bear that he looked me in the eyes this morning and lied to me after I’d already uncovered the truth about his sexual desires, thanks to a heads-up from his spiteful ex-wife. I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. My heart is crying out for him, but my better judgment tells me I need this break to figure out how to deal with what I’ve learned about my husband without his overwhelming presence influencing my every thought.
Tears roll down my cheeks, and I immediately wipe them away. Though I trust the security personnel Flynn has hired, I’m wary now of what even the most consummate professionals will do for a buck. I can’t afford to be seen crying such a short time after I married Flynn. I can’t do that to him, so I struggle to maintain my composure.
I try not to think about the last time I was on an airplane with Flynn and how we made love in the private plane’s bedroom. This time, I’m sitting alone with only Fluff on my lap to keep me company.
The flight to Colorado is turbulent, and the flight attendant isn’t allowed to get up to tend to us. I can’t help but think about holding hands with Flynn on bumpy approaches into Teterboro and LAX, his nearness calming my anxiety. I have no such comfort now, so in addition to being heartbroken, I’m also petrified.
By the time we land at Fort Collins-Loveland Airport two and a half hours later, I’m a certified disaster area and in absolutely no condition to see my sister for the first time in eight years. But nothing will keep me from her now that we are finally in the same place at the same time.
Josh and Seth position themselves in front and in back of me, which makes me feel ridiculous. No one will recognize me in the airport, because they aren’t expecting to see me here. Why would they? My life with Flynn has taken place in New York and LA, not Colorado.
I’m nauseated from the rocky flight and the fact that I haven’t eaten anything since last night, not that I could have eaten even if I tried. The thought of food makes me feel worse.
Fluff is losing her mind with excitement as we get off the plane, and she pees right on the tarmac.
We walk up a flight of stairs and into the quiet airport, my heart beating faster with every step. Any moment now, I’ll see Candace, who promised to be waiting for me at the airport when I arrive. This whole thing was thrown together via a series of texts while I sobbed my way to LAX after leaving Flynn’s.
I plan to return to New York tomorrow to rejoin my life already in progress, but I can’t wait any longer to see my sister, thus the stop in Colorado. An escalator delivers us to baggage claim, and there she is. My baby si
ster is all grown up and gorgeous at nineteen. I forget about my heartbreak and the mess my new marriage has become and run for my sister.
She throws her arms around me, and we hold each other for a long time, both of us sobbing. My very first thought is she still wears the same perfume she favored at eleven, and the familiar scent only enriches this long-overdue moment. By the time we pull apart, her face is blotchy and red. I can only imagine what mine must look like after weeping for hours. She’s got hazel eyes and long auburn hair, the same color mine used to be before I changed my appearance. The chubby cheeks she had the last time I saw her are long gone, replaced by the well-defined cheekbones of a grown woman. She’s stunning, and I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my life.
Fluff is spazzing out, demanding my attention. I pick her up so she can see her Aunt Candace, whom she seems to remember. “I hope your place allows dogs.”
“It doesn’t, but we’ll sneak her in.”
“Um.” The rumble of a deep voice reminds me I’m not alone. “You’re not going to her place,” Seth says. “We’ve got reservations at a Marriott in town.”
“I’ll be staying with my sister.”
“No, you won’t.”
I want to snap back at him that he can’t tell me what to do, but he’s only doing his job. My anger needs to stay focused on Flynn and not on his messenger. To Candace, I say, “How do you feel about a night at the Marriott?”
“Sounds good to me! Let’s go.”
Candace doesn’t own a car and has taken a cab to meet me, so she comes with me as the security guys lead us to a pair of black SUVs. They must order them in bulk, as they seem to be everywhere I am lately.
“What’s up with all this?” Candace whispers, gesturing to the security guys and the SUVs.
“My husband. He’s paranoid about security.”
“I sort of hoped he might be with you,” she says with a silly grin that lets me know she’s a fan of his work. Who isn’t?
“He couldn’t make it this time.” I have no intention of ruining my reunion with Candace by airing out my marital troubles.
“Bummer. I can’t wait to meet him.”
Because I’m not sure now that’ll ever happen, I don’t say anything. The thought of never seeing him again makes my whole body ache.
“What’s wrong, April?” Candace asks when we’re settled in the back of an SUV and heading for the hotel.
I force a smile for her benefit. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m thrilled to see you.”
“Even though we haven’t seen each other in a long time, you’re still my sister. I took one look at you and knew something is very wrong.” She takes hold of my hand. “Let me help.”
“My baby sister isn’t a baby anymore, is she?” I’m saddened to have missed so many years with her and Livvy.
“I haven’t been since a monster attacked my big sister and ruined all our lives.”
It has never once, in all the years since I last saw them, occurred to me that what happened to me ruined their lives, too. “I pictured you guys going on like nothing happened.”
“That’s not how it was. We were heartbroken. Nothing was ever the same without you.” She covers our joined hands with her other hand. “I’d like nothing more than to be close to you again.”
“I’d like that, too. More than you could ever know.”
“Talk to me, Ap— I mean, Natalie. Talk to me, Natalie.”
“You can call me April. It’s okay.”
“You’ve made a whole new life as Natalie. That’s who you are now, and I want to respect that. Livvy does, too.”
“She’s so grown up, too. I can’t believe how amazing her grades are and that she has her pick of colleges.”
“Natalie…”
I sigh, realizing I can’t hide my torment from my sister. “Flynn and I are taking a break.” I keep my voice down so only she can hear me.
“You just got married!”
“Believe me, I know.”
“What could’ve gone so wrong so fast?”
“He kept something from me. Something important. And then when I found out about it and confronted him, he lied to me.”
“Oh damn. Wow. You guys looked so happy on TV. I watched every second of the SAG Awards. I couldn’t believe that was my sister on national TV!”
“It was a very exciting night.” Recalling Flynn winning two Actor awards, making love in the limo on the way home and then eating In-N-Out burgers and fries in Hayden’s living room brings me to tears again. The weeks I spent with Flynn had been the sweetest time of my life, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do without him.
“So is it over, then?” Candace asks tentatively.
“I don’t know.” I don’t know anything other than he lied to me, and I had to get away from him to get some perspective.
“Well,” she says after a long pause, “if he’s making you stay at a hotel, I assume he’s paying, so we might as well take full advantage. I have to work tomorrow, but I don’t care. We can stay up all night watching movies, sleep in and order room service.”
Candace’s cheerfulness and upbeat personality are a balm on my wounded soul. Her plan sounds heavenly, and it’s just what I need.
Chapter 2
I’m losing my mind. There’s no other way to describe the desperation that has overtaken me. I can’t eat, sleep, breathe or think about anything other than Natalie and what I can do to fix things between us. I can’t live without her—not for a minute, a day or a week. I’ll go mad if I don’t see her for a week.
She told me to leave her alone, but she didn’t tell me I had to stay in LA and leave her alone.
True to her word, Addie brings my cell phone to me around five that afternoon.
“I need you to get me on a flight to New York. Tonight.”
“I’m not sure I can get you a private plane with so little notice.”
“Then I’ll fly commercial.”
She hesitates, and I know she’s thinking that I’ve been asked not to fly commercial because of the uproar my presence causes in the airports. At times like this, I fucking hate the fame that comes with my chosen profession.
“How long is Natalie planning to be in Colorado?” Addie asks.
“I don’t know.” I don’t tell her I didn’t know she was going there. “She’s got security with her, right?”
“Two guys, and they’re staying at a Marriott rather than at her sister’s place. I took the liberty of overnighting the credit and debit cards you asked me to get for her to the hotel. I hope that was the right thing to do.”
“Yeah. I want her to have money, even if she doesn’t want me anymore.”
“She still wants you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Whatever this is, you’ll never convince me it can’t be fixed.” She withdraws her phone from her pocket. “You still want to go to New York?”
I think about that for a moment. “You said when you talked to Candace about coming here, she had a really busy schedule at school, right?”
“Yes and a part-time job, too.”
“So it’ll probably be a short visit. I’ll go to New York. Natalie will end up there sooner rather than later.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Addie gives my arm a squeeze before she heads off to make arrangements. A team of workers is finishing up replacing the window I smashed with a crystal vase this morning after Natalie left. I need to get a grip on my rage. That’s not going to help anything in this situation.
I scroll through the calls and texts I’ve missed since the FBI took my phone and see two calls from my mother. Since she usually texts, I decide I’d better call her back, even though I don’t want to talk to anyone—except Natalie. “Hey, Mom, what’s up?”
“There you are. I was starting to wonder if you two would ever come up for air.”
The reminder that I’m supposed to be on my honeymoon hits me like an arrow to the chest. “Crazy few days.”
“I’m sure,” she says with a
low chuckle. She and my dad are thrilled with my choice of a wife. What would they think if they knew that my need for dominant sex and the fact that I lied to my wife about it has sent their new daughter-in-law running from me? “I wanted to talk to you about the wedding reception we’d like to have for you and Natalie.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I take a seat on the sofa, pressing my thumb and forefinger to my eyes. It becomes very clear to me right then and there that if I’ve permanently lost her, I’ll never get over it.
“Flynn?”
“Yeah, Mom, I’m here. Let me talk to Natalie and see what works. I’ll let you know, okay?”
“Of course. Whatever you guys want. We’re beyond excited to celebrate with both of you and to welcome Natalie into our family.”
My parents have been so wonderful to her, so amazingly welcoming and supportive during the firestorm that followed her painful past being made public. I can’t bear to disappoint them by confessing to how badly I’ve fucked things up with her. I hope I never have to tell them that. “It’s really nice of you to want to do this. Thank you.”
“Are you kidding? It’s purely selfish. I’m so happy to see you in love with a sweet, caring woman who loves you for all the right reasons. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment. You bet your ass we’re going to celebrate.”
It’s all I can do not to break down into sobs, to beg my mom to come over and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I don’t do that. I can’t do that. “We’re looking forward to it. I’ll get back to you.”
“I’ll talk to you soon. Love you, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. That’s what I call Natalie. “Love you, too, Mom.”
For a long time after we end the call, I stare at the pool in the backyard, trying to imagine life without Natalie. There is no life without her. And I’ve spent enough time dicking around today feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to fucking fix this.
My sister and I pick up right where we left off, and by the end of our afternoon together, it’s like no time has passed since we last saw each other. We talk about everything and everyone we ever knew back home in Nebraska. She catches me up on all the gossip from Lincoln and what has become of the girls I was friends with before my life imploded.
