guts.
CHESTER
That's right! It's guts. That little frozen fucker has more guts than you do! Have some guts, Kenny! Come on, be a man! You don't answer to anyone, especially those two assholes chasing you, or your bitchy girlfriend, or a lame-ass job, especially now that you have that briefcase full of money or whatever. You came to this pier to make a plan of action. To make that plan, you need to be a fucking man and have some guts. So, decide right now what it is you have to do with that briefcase.
Kenny stands upright and grabs the briefcase. He hesitates.
KENNY
Coming to the pier and squishing a piece of bait between my fingers, oddly enough, is what I needed. I am going to have some guts and be a man. I now know what I have to do with the briefcase.
Kenny throws the briefcase far out into the ocean.
CHESTER
WHOA! Why'd you do that?
KENNY
You just told me too, with that whole "be a man, have some guts" speech.
CHESTER
No I didn't. Did I say, "hey Kenny, throw it in the fucking Pacific Ocean?" I thought maybe you would do something cool like give it to me or open it. Shit!
The briefcase sinks below the surface of the water.
Chester peels off his shirt.
KENNY
What are you doing? Wait, are you going in after it? The water is freezing!
Chester leaps over the wood railing into the water.
CUT TO:
INT: SEASIDE COUNTRY CLUB. LOBBY.
WARREN is sixty-three years old and wears a turquoise jogging suit. His wife, STELLA, walks beside him in a matching jogging suit. Warren pushes his eighty-eight year old mother, DORIS, through the entrance of the lobby in a wheelchair. Doris has a large bloated handbag.
There are display cases on one wall with golf trophies and plaques. The carpet is the bright green color of astro-turf and the walls are all painted pure white.
A huge banner hangs from the ceiling.
INSERT: BANNER
Welcome to Seaside Country Club.
BACK TO SCENE
WARREN
Mother, we are going to take you into the emergency meeting with us. I can't have you getting lost again.
STELLA
I nearly fainted, Warren, when you told me about her disappearing for ten whole minutes during her super-seniors arts and crafts class last week.
WARREN
She said she had to go to the bathroom and the activities counselor was busy. I am just glad someone found her out in the lobby. Imagine how horrible it would've been if she made it out into the parking lot, or onto the green!
They pass a giant clear plastic drum. Only a few pennies and a piece of chewing gum are inside. There is a sign above drum.
INSERT: SIGN
Big Bingo Money Barrel.
BACK TO SCENE
STELLA
Warren, look! All the money in the drum is gone!
They push forward to a hallway.
FRANCINE and LOU stand next to the Conference room door. They both wear golf attire consisting of plaid shirts and pink pastel pants.
STELLA
Hello Francine, hello Lou. We haven't seen you in awhile. Did you two go golfing today?
FRANCINE
No, we are not big golfers.
Francine and Lou smile vacantly. Stella looks them up and down in confusion.
FRANCINE
Did you see the drum? Someone stole the money from it. That money was supposed to be for the winner of the big Bingo tournament next week. Think of all the people who put their five dollars in their hoping to win big. My Lou said he would take me to the Red Lobster if he won it.
STELLA
It is a shame, huh? I hope whomever stole that money pays big!
DUKE peeks his head out of the conference room. He has a flat top and is chewing on a dead cigar.
DUKE
I thought I heard some folks out here gabbing. Come on in, the Solomons are getting feisty.
Everyone hobbles into the conference room. The doors close behind them.
CUT TO:
INT: CONFERENCE ROOM.
Five senior citizen couples sit at small round tables in front of a podium. They all MURMUR quietly.
BENNY steps up to the podium. Benny is old, with a chubby face, a red nose, and long droopy ears.
BENNY
Well, I guess we should begin as soon as Martha arrives. This is an emergency meeting, so tardiness will be tolerated this once.
MARTHA slips into the door and takes an open seat. Benny nods to her.
BENNY
Martha, right on time! Thanks for being here so promptly everyone. We have a dilemma. As you all saw out in the lobby, the drum is empty. Over six hundred dollars is missing. All the cash and even the change. We have no idea who is responsible for stealing it. We do know, however, that it happened during club business hours and the culprit had to be one of the CLUB LEADERS.
Everyone in the room GASPS.
BENNY
And, why? Because, the lock on the drum was picked open with a limited edition, commemorative Seaside Country Club leaders brooch. And the brooch was found broken on the floor and in the lock at the crime scene. So it must have been a woman. Which narrows our investigation down to five.
WARREN
What do you mean five? Aren't there six women in the leader's club?
BENNY
Well, certainly. But it couldn't have been my Ethel. She is always with me and she has arthritis so bad she couldn't squeeze a sponge.
ARNIE and LOLA SOLOMON sit at one of the tables. Arnie has a bad hair-piece and Lola has drawn-on eyebrows. One eyebrow is illustrated noticeably higher than the other.
ARNIE
Now you wait a second, Benny. If you say it wasn't your wife, then I know it wasn't mine. The only thing my doll, Lola, ever stolen was my heart!
Martha stands up.
MARTHA
Why just the women? Are the husbands not capable of using their wife's brooch? It could have been Doris for all we know!
Martha points at Doris in her wheelchair while making her statement.
WARREN
How dare you accuse my elderly mother. She would never do such a thing. She is an angel!
MARTHA
I am just making the point of saying that it could have been anyone, even one of the husbands. Does everyone still have their brooches? Whoever doesn't should be the person under scrutiny.
ARNIE
It figures you would have such an idea, Martha. You are the only woman here without a participating husband.
MARTHA
So? What does that prove? My James doesn't want to join the Club Leaders because he hates politics… and Jews!
Arnie leans back and GASPS in horror.
LOLA
You dried up whore! I see the way you look at my Arnie, with those big cow eyes of yours! You're just jealous that I have a caring husband and you have a cheating husband.
MARTHA
Oh yeah? So is that why Arnie was transfixed on me while he slurped up his pink jello like a fucking ant-eater at the fundraiser last week? Or is it because he grabbed my tit yesterday with the excuse that he wanted to feel the material my shirt was made of? I can keep on going, Lola.
BENNY
Settle down, everyone! We are not here to accuse.
Suddenly, the doors open and close and Simon and Numbers are in the room. Their solid black apparel makes them stand out like dark shadows against the white walls.
Everyone turns and looks at them.
BENNY
Excuse me, gentlemen. This is for club leaders only and we are in the middle of an emergency conference. You must be looking for the Panelli family reunion. It is down the other hall.
SIMON
No my fat fuckin' friend. You just assured me that we are in the right room. Now, if you would politely point out the woman who has a daughter by the name of Kimmy and we will happil
y make this visit quick and painless.
Martha shrinks down in her chair as Arnie and Lola both point to her with little hesitation.
NUMBERS
It's her. Everyone, get out of your chairs and lie face down on the floor, now!
They all sit motionless. Simon pulls out a large knife and all the people hit the floor. Doris still sits in her wheelchair.
SIMON
Hey, you old bat, on the fuckin' floor!
He attempts to muscle the bag out of her hand but she won't let go. When he picks it up off her lap, it sags heavily and drops back down. A CHA-CHING, metal on metal sound, slips from the bag.
WARREN
Oh, please leave her. She is harmless. She can barely see and can't walk.
Numbers nods to Simon. Simon grabs Martha by her hair and pulls her up off the floor.
SIMON
I am gonna have a talk with this dame and none of you better not as much as pass gas or I will start slashing!
Everyone lies perfectly still with their faces buried in the carpet. Simon and Numbers back Martha into a corner.
Doris sits in her wheelchair across the room.
NUMBERS
You have a daughter named Kimmy?
Martha nods.
NUMBERS
Good. A friend of hers stole our briefcase and we want it back. We need to know where she lives. If you don't comply, my nutty friend with the knife will sever the throats of your friends here.
Martha cries and looks at Simon. Simon makes a crazy face and licks the knife. She then looks over his shoulder and watches Doris in complete surprise.
Doris quietly hobbles out of her wheelchair and up to the table. She picks through one of the purses on the table and pulls out
Have Some Guts Page 5
