by A. M. Wilson
I guess that’s what led me to now.
I couldn’t talk about Molly to make myself feel better, but I could let someone beat the guilt out of me.
I play the part. My footwork is choreographed precision, and my punches land with expertise. But the number of blows I let him have makes me look weak. To the crowd, he’s taking me down. He’s not stupid, though. Two minutes in, and he knows what I want. And he’s more than happy to give it.
Chest, two to the gut, uppercut to my jaw. I blast his left cheekbone through a grunt, but he retaliates quickly, walking me backward with blows to the edge of the ring. I take three to the face before I give him a bloody grin. Fucking finally, I can feel the tension start to ebb away. This is what I want. This is what I need.
The match after that is a blur of movement, and every inch of my body’s screaming in pain. Halfway through, I start to lose consciousness. Black spots flicker across my vision like pictures in a kaleidoscope. Except, instead of colorful splotches and shapes swirling in my vision, I see Molly. And Shelby. The two mix and spin until it becomes hard to separate who is who.
They don’t even look the same—one dark and one light. How I ever thought Shelby was Molly is beyond my comprehension. The drugs, booze, and desperation painted that poor, dying girl into the vision I’ve longed to see for what feels like an eternity.
A blow snaps my head back, and I know this is the end. Of the fight. Of this damn cycle. My body feels warm and cocooned in the blackness taking over me.
I welcome it.
Chapter Six
Sin
“Oh my God, what happened to him?”
“Go wait in the car. You don’t need to see this.”
“No! I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to leave him like this.”
“Shelby.”
Something warm pushes into my hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”
That voice is filled with concern. It tugs at me, pulling me from the warmth of the unconscious bliss. Where there is darkness, there is no pain. As soon as my mind starts to rouse, the extent of my self-punishment makes itself known.
Every inch of my body pulsates in time to my beating heart. My skin blazes hot with cuts and inflammation. And I can feel her there. Her tiny hand grips my much larger one. It warms me and pisses me off all at the same time.
“Get the fuck off.”
The voices around me quiet, but her presence never leaves.
Mustering every ounce of strength, I try to sit up and open my eyes. The left one doesn’t move, and the right is instantly blinded by the harsh sunlight overhead. “The fuck time is it?”
“Noon,” Elias growls from somewhere behind me. I go to turn my head, but my neck screams in pain.
“Did I ask you to hold my hand, princess?”
Shelby drops my palm as if my words delivered a high voltage shock. “No.”
I let my eyes do the talking as I deliver a revolting glare her way.
My arms shake as I drag my ass back against the brick wall behind me. As I lean against the building for support, I give my arms a rest. “Why’re you here?”
A water bottle is shoved in front of my face, but I wave it off.
“You know why,” Elias responds angrily.
“Go. I don’t need you.”
Ignoring the shake, I attempt to haul my body onto my palms and knees. The scorching blacktop burns my palms, and the tiny gravel rips them to shreds. I manage to get one knee under me before I need to rest again.
“Like fuck, you don’t.”
My gaze swings around, and I try to drive the point home. “I don’t need her,” I spit.
Shelby’s eyes widen, and her mouth drops open. Fear, surprise, hurt—some emotion crosses her face, but I don’t give a fuck which one. The last thing I need right now is Princess Shelby trying to be my hero.
I nearly fall back on my ass when Elias steps around me and blocks my view of Shelby. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s forming a pretty tight bond with that bitch.
“You can be a dick to me all you want. It’s more than expected. But you will leave her the fuck out of it.”
Clenching my teeth, I place my palms on my knee and heave my ass to a standing position. It hurts like hell, but I hold in the grunt threatening to escape. What ticks me off more than these two trying to come to my rescue is that I don’t have the words to formulate a response to his threat. So I don’t give him one.
When I finally make it to my feet, I lean against the brick wall to stop the swaying. Probably have a concussion after all those blows to the head. And who knows how I got outside. I was probably tossed on my ass when they needed to clear the place out, and I was unconscious and unable to move.
I feel the difference, though; the relief coursing through my veins. That right there makes it all worth it.
I find the key to my bike in the pocket of my shorts. Time to get out of here so I can get cleaned up and revel in the cleansing my contrition brings.
But as I go, Elias calls out to me. He just can’t let this shit go. “Kane, Sin? Really? I thought you were past this shit.”
Fighting the shame, I drop my chin to my chest. “I’ll never be done with this shit. The two of you would be better off far away from me.”
It doesn’t escape me that I factored her into this fucked-up equation. It slipped out, but I still mean it. From the looks of things, she’s going to be hanging around for a while. She might as well get used to the fact I’m an asshole.
As I trek to my bike, I can feel their eyes on my back and hear the sounds of their murmured voices chasing after me. They can take their muted gossip and shove it up their asses for all I care.
I straddle my ride, ready to get the hell out of here when her voice takes me by surprise.
“Wait!”
I cut my glance her way.
She nearly trips over herself but recovers and shoots an angry glare over her shoulder at Elias. He’s standing there with his arms crossed over his chest like a pissed-off, protective father.
“I’m coming with you.”
“The fuck you are.” Even though I mean the words, the tone behind them is weak. Blame the drugs, the walloping, or the hot sun beating down on my back, but I just don’t have the energy to fight with this bullshit.
“Make room.” Shelby crosses her arms over her chest and cocks out a hip. The little flash of attitude is a welcome change from her usually timid demeanor.
Still, it pisses me the fuck off.
“Bitch, did I ask you for a ride-along?”
“Does it look like I care?”
Satisfaction hits me square in the chest at the quiver in her voice. She holds her own, though, not giving up the position her body is in. I let my gaze lazily trail over her body for about thirty seconds before the motion makes me dizzy.
I back out my bike, then reluctantly hand her the helmet.
“One complaint and I’ll drop you in the middle of nowhere. Got it?”
“Sin,” Elias growls.
I send him a glare.
The second her tiny hands clutch my shoulders I nearly buck her off. Her touch warms me so deep it almost burns. I want to shrug her off at the same time I want to beg her to hold on. It takes every ounce of strength to hold still and let her fit herself behind me. Her slender thighs grip the outside of mine, and the only thing that’d make it feel better were if she had on a pair of shorts instead of her soft sleep pants.
A grunt slips out as she slides her hands from my shoulders, fitting them around my waist with her chest pressed against my back. She lays her head down, and I’d bet the last of my stash she has her eyes squeezed tight. The image floats in front of my eyes like a memory. I almost wish I could turn around and see it.
“Got it,” she replies quietly.
Without a word, I start the bike, pulling out of the abandoned lot without another look at my best friend. I can only imagine the thoughts he’s having about me right now, and if I weren’t in so m
uch pain, I’d probably grin.
I find solace in the roar of the bike and—as much as I hate to admit it—the tiny girl wrapped around my back. Even though my body is throbbing and the pain in my head feels like an ice pick, I take us to the open road and pick up speed. Shelby needs a little recklessness in her life. Elias handles her with kid gloves, but at some point, she’s going to have to start living again. I think that’s what her crawling on the back of my bike was all about. If that’s what she needs, who am I to say no?
The only indication she’s still alive back there are her arms tightening around my waist the faster we go. As if tethered together, the more her arms squeeze, the more my chest tightens until it’s almost painful. I try to let the empty stretch of highway, the wind roaring past, and the sun beating down on my back cleanse my mind from the thoughts trying to break through. Of the ghost who won’t ever leave me alone. It’s so fucking hard, though, when she won’t stop screaming at me.
When the struggle to keep her quiet becomes too much, I pull off onto a service road, cut the engine, and hit the stand. Neither of us moves. Even though the bike is still, my mind continues to whirl at 100 mph.
Shelby shifts behind me, but I don’t turn around. I can’t seem to pry my fingers off the handlebars.
It’s her quiet sniffling that gets my attention.
She’s drawn her knees up onto the seat, and her head rests against them. The big black helmet still covers her face. It pisses me off that she’s always hidden. Hidden behind too-big clothing, behind closed doors, behind Elias. I reach over and pull the damn thing off her head.
She startles, shooting up into a sitting position and dashing away the tears on her face.
“What’s wrong?”
She looks me directly in the eyes, letting the rest of the tears fall. “I forgot what it was like to feel alive.”
Fuck.
Eviscerated.
“Are you warm? You’ve got a heartbeat?”
Shelby nods.
“Then you’re alive.”
“But I’ve been cold and numb for so long.”
“You and me both.”
My jaw clenches, and I look away in shame. I didn’t mean for the words to slip out. Something about this woman tears my guard down without me even realizing it. Her presence is gasoline, and her words are the match. She opens her mouth, and all my barriers go up in smoke.
“Why are you so cold?” Shelby asks as the warmth of her hand lands on my knee.
Both our eyes drop to the point of contact and study it. The tiny trembling hand on the massive, powerful leg. It’s strangely erotic.
“Helmet on. I got shit to do today.”
“Sin.”
“Helmet on.”
“Sin—”
“Get off the bike.”
That got her attention. Her back snaps straight, and her eyes turn fearful. Good. She should fear me.
“No. I-I’m sorry.”
“Get off before I pick you up and make you get the fuck off.”
Shelby scrambles off without another word.
“I told you I’d leave you in the middle of nowhere if you had one complaint.” While she trembles beside the bike, I fish out my phone and scroll to Elias’s number.
He answers on the second ring. “Yeah?”
“Pick her up.” I give him the location and hang up with him cussing my name.
“Elias is on his way, princess. Hang tight and try to stay out of trouble. Or don’t. I don’t fuckin’ care.”
“Please don’t leave me!” she begs, viewing the empty stretch of land around us. “I’ll stop asking questions, just let me go back with you.”
I grunt as I kick up the stand and lift the bike. “Remember that for next time. This is what you get for trusting a bastard like me.”
“Sin, please,” Shelby sobs.
I ignore the remains of my heart as it twists and constricts. The guilt and shame are a thing of the past. This is for the best. She needs to know I’m not a good man.
But I can’t help reaching out before I take off. My palm connects gently to the base of her throat. My thumb on one side of her neck and the remaining four fingers on the other. Her entire body stills at my willing touch. Slowly, I slide my hand upward until I’m cupping her jaw, and I swipe my thumb over her lips. “You’re like a fuckin’ flower. So delicate and sweet. You’ve got to grow in order to turn into that blossom. Then you can try to make people happy and spread that nectar you got inside you. Until you bloom, you can’t help anyone but yourself. Fight for the sun, blossom. Don’t try to share it with me.”
My hand drops lamely, and I take off down the road, leaving her in the dust.
About a mile down the road, I pull over and hide the bike behind a row of bushes. I tell myself to walk, but that doesn’t stop me from jogging back up the hill until she comes back into view. For a moment, I’m struck with fear. What if she isn’t there anymore?
But she is, looking so small crouched in a ball in the distance. She’s probably crying and scared. Definitely alone. Along the side of the road, I find a log and have a seat, keeping watch until I see Elias’s truck pull up.
It kills me the way she runs to him. He gets out to greet her, and she slams into his arms, nearly knocking him on his ass. He brushes her face before walking her to the passenger side and helping her in.
They’ve long since driven away before I finally extricate myself from the log and head back to my bike.
Chapter Seven
Sin
Distance. I’ve made her my bitch.
Two weeks of me, myself, and I off the grid. I hired a manager to run Sinclair’s and took off.
I didn’t actually go anywhere. Just back to my own shithole apartment. Nearly a month has passed since I’ve been there, but in its current state, it looks like I haven’t been there in a year.
The more time I spent around Shelby and Elias, the more I realized it wasn’t doing me any good.
That girl brought Molly right back to the surface. It fucking sucked. As if I don’t have enough problems dealing with my dead sister and dead father. The constant reminder staring me in the face like some lost puppy wasn’t helping things.
I haven’t seen her since I left her on the side of the road. At this point, she and Elias have to be nice and cozy at his place, working on their new relationship. After all, he’s the gallant knight riding in on his white horse to save the day.
I’m the villain of this story.
The bathroom door swings open, and the woman from last night saunters out—naked, dirty, and begging for a fix. Too bad for her, I’m nearly out.
“Got a light?” She drops down beside me on the worn-out tan couch in my living room.
You’d think I’d have nicer shit coming from a loaded family, but you’d have thought wrong. I don’t give a damn about my possessions, much less about something that’s sole purpose is a fixture for my ass.
I toss the navy blue lighter at her. It skitters along the coffee table before clinking against the empty bottle of Captain Morgan.
“Thanks.”
Heavy tendrils of smoke drift toward the ceiling from the tip of her lit cigarette.
“I’ve gotta work at three. Can you give me a ride?”
“No.”
She flicks her ash into an empty beer can. “Why you gotta be such an ass?” Her lips tighten around the cigarette filter as she takes a heavy drag.
I sink my teeth into my lower lip to hold back a curse when she intentionally blows that shit in my face.
“Didn’t I let you fuck me enough last night? What about once more for a ride to work?”
The entire contents of my stomach threaten to return with that one sentence. I never realized how disgusting it was to make jokes about trading sexual favors. If I really thought about it, I’m sure I’ve said the same thing a hundred times to women in my past. Now, all I can think of is Molly, Shelby, and the countless other women who are trafficked and sold for sex all ove
r the world.
“Just shut the fuck up!” I shout, startling us both.
“Jesus, Sin. You need a fix or something.”
“Get the hell out,” I growl, my hands curling into fists.
“Whatever.” Casey wanders into the bedroom, gathers her things, and gets dressed. When she walks back into the room, she stops in front of me, planting her hands on her hips.
I can’t help taking her in again, wondering what the fuck I was thinking last night. Her stringy hair is a dirty blond, made even more so by the grease. She’s about six sizes too thin and overall worn-out looking. I must have been higher than fuck to willingly bring her home with me. I don’t even remember where I found her.
“You might be a dick, but you’ve also got a nice one.” She looks pointedly at my crotch. “If you want to screw again, you’ve got my number.”
I don’t reply. What I do is give her a glare I know says shut the hell up and get out. I breathe easier when she complies.
Once I’m alone, my eyelids start to sink, so I stretch out on the couch. I don’t know the last time I had a good night’s sleep. If I were honest with myself, I’d have to say it was the night Shelby slept in my arms. That memory seems so long ago; it’s as if it were a dream.
I drift in and out. What feels like five minutes later, a pounding comes at my door.
I swear to God, it better not be Casey.
I wrench the door open so hard that the handle gives way a little, so now it’s loose and crooked. Just another addition to my crappy apartment.
“What more could you possibly want? Fucking all night wasn’t enough?” I snarl.
The loud intake of breath has me snapping my head up in shock. “Fucking hell.”
“Nice to see you’re still alive. Thought we’d drop in and say hello since it’s been, what, two weeks now?” Elias shoves past me, dragging a stunned Shelby behind him.
“You live here?” she whispers from behind her hand.
“No, princess, this is a five-star resort. I’m on vacation!” I throw my hands out to my sides and do a girly twirl.
