by Guerin Zand
“Enough! If you’ll promise not to beat the shit out of me, I’ll let you up.”
“Ok.”
I released her like an alligator wrestler would release a gator. I jumped back making sure I put as much distance as I could between the two of us. She stood up and brushed off her clothes.
“You can take me to your room now.”
I looked at her, my eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. “WHAT? I’m not taking you to my room.”
The bar and restaurant had been fairly loud with all the people talking and enjoying themselves. That was until then. The room went silent. Why the room hadn’t gone silent when I was getting the shit beat out of me was a mystery. A few rather large men started to approach me, and I was really missing my 45. I didn’t think I would need it on a friendly planet. As I said, I was already hurting. There was no way I could take on every man at this bar, let alone one of them. I was getting ready for a truly awesome ass kicking when Gladys got up and told the crowd to stand back.
“Guerin, come here for a second.” I walked up to Gladys while using a napkin to try and sop up the blood still coming from my face and nose. “You really need to take that woman up to your room and, well, I think you know what needs to be done.”
“What are you talking about, Gladys. She tried to kill me. I’m not taking her to bed.”
“You can’t toy with a woman’s affections like that, Guerin.”
“What the fuck, Gladys. How did I toy with her affections? I said hello and she started to beat the shit out of me.”
“You can’t go up to a single woman like that, Guerin, act interested, make her go through all the bother of getting aroused, and just leave her hanging. Those men over there are her family, and if you don’t finish what you started, they’ll finish what she started, if you get my drift.”
“I didn’t act interested. I said hello.”
“Well, if you weren’t interested, you shouldn’t have fought back. Then she would have figured you were too weak for her, or not interested, but no. Guerin Zand had to fight back. Like it or not, this is your fault.”
“This is one fucked up planet, Gladys. I’m not even sure if everything down there is still working after a couple of the illegal shots she took.”
“That may be, but if you don’t bed that woman right now, this might be the last planet you visit.”
“Well, what’s her name?”
“It doesn’t matter, Guerin. She isn’t planning on getting to know you better. Now go do what you have to do. Remember, it’s not just about what you want. You represent Earth and all of mankind. You don’t want to insult her. You need to make a good impression.”
“For God and country, right?”
“That’s the spirit, Guerin.”
“You set this up, didn’t you?”
“We thought you needed a lesson. Why do you think we won’t let you around our daughters? They’d have killed you by now if you were staying at our home. Unattached Erandisi women can be dangerous for you humans. I don’t think even the mighty Guerin Zand could handle seven Erandisi females. You’re getting off easy. Besides, this is going to make a great drinking story. I’m sure that’s why she picked you.”
I gave Gladys one of my looks as I walked towards my betrothed. That look meant I wasn’t going to forget this little prank. “Come on, darling. Let’s go to my room and I’ll show you what all the fuss is about.” I put my arm around my future mate, grabbing a handful of that hard, tight ass, and I guided her up to my room.
I forgot to mention that I really got into the whole pirate persona back in those days. I was normally passing as a delinquent Bree child, Captain Roberts, and part of my pirate persona was arrogance. Here, on Erandi, I was going by Guerin Zand since I was in Collective space. I was probably overdoing the arrogance a bit out of habit.
The sex wasn’t bad, is it ever? She was extremely docile in the sack, even compared to most human females. She seemed to enjoy herself. I didn’t ask since that might have just led to another beating, but she didn’t seem to want to share in the work if you know what I mean. It just wasn’t what I expected from the alien psycho bitch who had just tried to kill me. Once again, the universe disappointed me. I’m sure there was a good reason for this. Maybe the Erandisi women burn up all their energy while trying to kill their mate.
Needless to say, this wasn’t one of those, “Want to snuggle with me?”, kind of encounters. When the deed was done, which was pointed out to me in a most obvious way by little Miss Hell Bitch, we both got out of bed, dressed, and headed back down for another drink. I made sure to avoid eye contact with her since that would probably just lead to a post-coital beating. I hadn’t heard of such a thing, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
I found a spot at the bar, with men on both sides, and sprinted for it before another man found it. I had to wonder if I hadn’t fallen for the oldest trick in the Erandisi playbook of practical jokes. That little honey trap was sitting there obvious to everyone but me. I ordered a bottle of Gluark and three glasses. I headed back over to the table where Bart and Gladys were sitting. I sat down and poured us all a drink.
“So, Guerin? Do you have a taste for Erandisi women now?”
“Oh, very funny, Gladys. Is this how you treat all your guests that come to visit?”
“Come on, Guerin. We put up with your little pranks.”
“What pranks?”
“Let’s see, oh, how about getting us to give you a ride to Trogan so you could play Assassin X from Planet Nine?”
“Where did you come up with that name?”
“Bart added it in his version of the story. It’s very popular on the Rebellion forums.”
“That game is still going on?”
“Stronger than ever. The whole pirate tangent is a big hit. Nancy wants to talk to you about a few other storylines you might want to pursue to increase interest.”
“I’m sure she does. Anyways, that obviously exaggerated story of Bart’s wasn’t a prank. That was one of my plans. People love being part of my plans. Don’t say you didn’t enjoy yourselves. Just how many game credits did you guys score because of that plan?”
“And don’t say you didn’t just enjoy yourself, Guerin.” Gladys gave me a very seductive smile. How that even phased me in my current state troubled me.
“Whatever, but I didn’t set you guys up.”
“We didn’t set you up either.” Bart was siding with his wife. What kind of universe is it where you can’t depend on your drinking buddies. “You were the one who got up, walked over to the obviously unattached woman at the bar, and started up a conversation.”
“And just how was I supposed to know she was unattached?”
“The fact that she was sitting alone with empty seats on both sides. Why else would a woman be seated like that if she could be sitting with her family?”
“I don’t know, Gladys?”
“Well, now you do.”
“Actually, I still don’t. Would you try and explain it like I wasn’t from this planet?”
“Ok, Guerin, we’ll go slowly.” Gladys shook her head. “It’s very common for an unattached woman to come to a local establishment like this one looking for a mate.”
“They do the same thing on Earth. You’re not telling me anything I couldn’t figure out on my own. Why did she think I was interested?”
“She was sitting alone, and you approached her. It doesn’t work like that on Earth?”
“Well, I guess, but the guy usually has to do a little more than just walk up and say hello. If it were that easy, I would have gotten laid just about every night of the week!”
“You struck up a conversation with her,” Bart said this like it was obvious.
“I said hello.”
Bart and Gladys laughed. “Guerin, you did just what you always do. You went up to the first woman you saw and started flirting with her.” Bart did have a point there.
“But still, even if that were so, does the wom
an always just beat down the man in front of the whole crowd, right in the middle of the bar?”
Bart chuckled. “Not that often. She was probably a little over eager since it was Guerin Zand.”
“Oh. I’m sure that’s what it was. It all makes sense now.”
“No, really.” Gladys took a drink and looked at me like I was an idiot or something. “Everyone knew you were staying here, and I’m sure she’s probably a gamer. Being the first Erandisi female or male to score the real Guerin Zand, probably earned her mega-bonus credits.”
For a second, I paused to ponder what was meant by the “female, or male” reference. Something about that made my spidey sense tingle. I let the thought pass.
“But I have to confirm the score, or it doesn’t count.”
“Not anymore. You really should keep up with things, Guerin. Since you haven’t been answering any of Nancy’s game queries, the rules committee has decided that they don’t need your confirmation. If you don’t respond to the query within the allotted time limit, the score is confirmed. She used some old Earth Latin term that I can’t remember to justify it. She said you’d understand though.”
“So, Gladys, do I get to meet your daughters now?”
“Hell no, Guerin. They’re on lockdown in the residence until you leave.”
“I don’t believe that’s because you’re worried about my health.”
“It’s not.”
“You know, I had been looking forward to my visit to Erandi, but now? Maybe I should leave a warning buoy when I depart. I need to warn any future human males to avoid this planet.”
Bart just continued to chuckle while Gladys tried to explain the logic behind my little beat down. I wasn’t buying any of it. I was considering talking to Roger about this place. Perhaps we could send some of the spec ops types he had recruited to get a little training in alien diplomacy here. Too bad Steve was already spoken for. He might have enjoyed a visit as well.
Chapter 3
Another Assignment
When I got done telling Cindy the “true” story of my visit to Erandi, she thought it sounded like total bullshit. Now, all of my faithful readers know I don’t just make this shit up. If I put it in one of my books, you know it’s the truth.
After telling me how full of shit I was, which she seemed to enjoy, she opened a portal and left me there with more than a few bruises from her little beat down. I wonder if Bart said I enjoyed that sort of thing in his fabricated version of the story. If so, it was going to make meeting women a lot more dangerous in the future.
The next morning we set sail for the Earth ship. Ok, we didn’t actually set sail, but it sounds a lot cooler than we opened a portal. Of course, it was only seconds after we arrived and the dockmaster was all up in our shit about opening a portal to close to the main Earth ship. I played it over the ship comms for the whole crew to enjoy. We got our jollies wherever we could and breaking proper spaceship protocol was always a crowd pleaser. Finally, the dockmaster took control of our shuttle and brought us in. He made sure it took as long as he could possibly make it.
When I stepped out of the shuttle Cindy was there to greet us. Sestan’s new spaceship, well, slightly used spaceship, was docked in the next bay. Cindy pointed it out and he and his crew rushed over to check it out. It was a sleek looking machine. You know, the kind I always wanted. It was bright and shiny silver with wings and other aerodynamic surfaces for flight within a planet’s atmosphere. You could land this baby and buzz the natives too. It didn’t have a portal drive. and the FTL drive was primitive in comparison to my shuttle, but it was still really cool. I didn’t check out the inside. It would have only made me more jealous.
Senri had decided to stay on board. She wasn’t in the mood for any Collective bullshit and I guess I could understand that. As Sestan and his crew started moving their belongings to their new ship, the dockmaster decided to pay us a little visit. Cindy said she called him to talk to Sestan about his departure, but the arrogant prick couldn’t resist coming over to dish out a rash of shit to the notorious Guerin Zand.
“Was it too much trouble to read the proper shuttle protocols for approaching a main ship like this, Mr. Zand?”
“No. We read them. Then we ignored them. Why the fuck should we open a portal so far away? Seemed like a waste of time to all of us.”
“The reasons are stated in the protocols. I don’t believe you actually did read them before you opened a portal wherever your little heart desired.”
“Ok. We didn’t read them, at least not all of them. If we had, we would have just ignored them anyways, so what would be the point?”
“Well, the point is now you won’t be leaving here under your own power. Your ship is locked down until we decide you can leave and you agree to follow the protocols.”
“Really? Let’s try this. We’ll leave when and how we want. You’re lucky I didn’t open a portal in the fucking docks, asshole. The only reason I didn’t was because my engineer thought it might not be a good idea. Now you need to get out of my face and take care of your own business.”
He looked like he might get violent, which would have suited me just fine. I’d pissed off more than my share of Bree over the years, but never enough for them to resort to actual physical violence. I thought it would be cool to make a pacifist like this mad enough to kill me. I wondered if they even knew how to fight. Cindy took him aside to talk to him, then he went over to Sestan to make arrangements for his departure. Since Sestan’s ship didn’t have a portal drive the dockmaster was going to open a portal for him. He needed to know where they wanted to go first.
Cindy came back over and gave me a look like a disappointed mother. “We have your quarters ready, Guerin. You’ll be staying in the same suite you did last time you were here. Your daughter is there waiting for you. Will your accountants be staying with you as well?”
“No. Would you mind arranging accommodations for them?”
“Not a problem. I assume you took it upon yourself to implant your crew so they can work the Bree tech?”
“Senri did something to them. I’m not totally sure what though?”
“And where is Senri?”
“She prefers to stay on the shuttle while we’re here. She has some issues with authority or something.”
“Oh. Well, at least you two have something in common.”
I ignored Cindy’s little jab. Her mood hadn’t seemed to improve since last night. She escorted us up to the main level and to the closest transportation hub.
“I’ll take your accountants to their quarters and get them settled in. You can find your own way to your suite.”
“Will I see you later, Cindy?”
“What would be the point, Guerin?”
She was obviously pissed about something. I didn’t answer her. She didn’t give me the chance. After her last statement, she turned away and headed off on a transport pad with the ladies. I definitely wasn’t getting my usual VIP treatment upon arrival. Hopefully, I wasn’t going to be on the ship for too long if this was how it was going to be.
I grabbed a transport pad and zoomed off to my suite. I didn’t take any time to sightsee. I wanted to see Maria. We had kept in touch and occasionally I would pop in on her. Still, we hadn’t seen each other in over 30 years. I got off the pad, headed to the front door, and entered the suite. Maria was waiting for me at the bar. When I entered the room she came over to greet me.
“Dad!” She hugged me so tight and I tried not to crush her with my embrace. She stopped for a second to give me a quick peck on the lips and then went right back to squeezing the life out of me. “I’ve missed you so much. Why did you stay away for so long?”
I just stared at her for a while. She didn’t look any different than the last time I saw her, yet I thought she looked more beautiful than ever. She had cut her hair short like Anna used to wear it. She reminded me so much of her mother and I tried not to cry. Still, I couldn’t hold back a few tears. “You know why. I don�
��t belong here, or anywhere anymore. It’s just easier to stay away.”
“It’s been long enough, Dad. You need to get over the past.”
“Have you been spending a lot of time with Stella? Are we going to have a little chat perhaps?”
“Oh, you’re such an asshole.”
“They haven’t found a cure for that yet?”
Maria smiled and shook her head at me. “Anyways, I’m sure Stella and her family would love to see you while you’re here. I think she may be a bit pissed at you for avoiding them for all of these years. Especially since you did visit Bart and Gladys.”
“Yeah, she’s probably been working on our next little talk. I’m sure she has plenty of material.”
“So, what’s up with you, darling? Are you and Sid still an item?”
“We were never an item, Dad. You were the only one that thought we were. He’s still one of my best friends.”
“So?”
“So what?”
“So, are you seeing anyone? Is there anybody special?”
“No, I have plenty of time for that. Unlike you, I’ve been busy with more important things then bedding down the universe.”
“I haven’t been bedding down the universe. I’ve been raping and pillaging like any good pirate. Well, not actually raping, but it sounds better if you say it that way. When you’re a proper pirate it’s all about the image. What I was doing was important too.”
“Really? I’d love to hear all about it, but right now Milly and Julie are waiting for you in your office.”
“Seriously?”
