by Guerin Zand
“What’s so funny?”
“You are, Guerin. I’d love to play back what you just said so you could see how it made absolutely no sense.”
“Well, you people don’t understand simple monkey logic, and that was probably a little too advanced for you to grasp. At least I made no sense with a lot less effort than you did with that dissertation on the history of Bree mating rituals.”
“Maybe you just don’t want to accept that we might actually be right. Did you know that when Julie made me agree to stop seeing you, she didn’t do that because she didn’t want me to get hurt?”
“I figured she was just being the meddling bitch she was and...”
“She did it, so you wouldn’t get hurt. She knew you couldn’t understand the type of relationship I just described. You needed to figure this out on your own, but obviously, she gave you way too much credit.”
“Well, if you’re done insulting me, I’d like to respond.”
“Please.”
“I’m not that dumb.” You need only imagine the look that statement generated on Milly’s face. “I did notice the odd ratio of Bree females to males. Although this is the first time you decided to share this information with me, I was able to find out about Bree relationships by just asking the right people.”
“So, why didn’t you just say that instead of making me explain it?”
“You seemed to be enjoying yourself, and whenever I interrupted, you got real pissy.”
“So, you understand what I was trying to tell you?”
“Absolutely not. I understand why Bree men don’t really like me. They’re afraid I’ll ruin this little setup they have.”
“How so?”
“Let’s just say if I could create the perfect society, from a man’s point of view, the Bree way of life would be pretty close. I might want to up the ratio of women to men a little bit. I think it would take a while to come up with the perfect number.”
Milly gave me the stupidest smile.
“Bree men are scarce, and so the women have to share them. What man doesn’t want a harem, right? Even when your science could have corrected this imbalance, you didn’t. The men somehow convinced all of you that staying with the traditional relationships was the natural order of things, and best not disturbed. I have to hand it to the Bree men.”
“You didn’t understand a single thing I was saying.”
“Oh, yes I did. You’re just stuck in your own little mindset and can’t imagine that the Bree may have gotten it wrong. Sure, they came up with a PowerPoint presentation proving to a mathematical certainty that this all works out. We have a saying on Earth. Figures don’t lie, liars can figure.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“That Bree women have been totally hoodwinked. You have this great explanation of how it’s unrealistic to expect a relationship to last too long. That doesn’t explain why the Erandisi and Cyletherean, just to name two, have relationships that do span centuries. You expect me to believe your view on the relationships between men and women is the correct one? You won’t even consider the possibility that you might just be wrong. It’s the same old arrogant Bree thinking.”
“Ok. So explain to me why we’re wrong.”
“It will probably only confuse you more.”
Sarah came over to check on us and brought us a couple more drinks. “You didn’t finish your dessert. You didn’t like it?”
“It was really good. It was just too much for the two of us.” I answered.
“Why don’t you join us for a drink, Sarah. Guerin was just about to enlighten me on why our views on relationships between men and women are wrong.”
“Is this about the incident with Cindy?”
“Seriously, Sarah? Does everyone on this ship no about that?”
“Not just this ship, Guerin.”
“Whatever.”
“I think I’ll let you two settle this on your own. I don’t want to get in the middle of anything.” Sarah made her way back to the kitchen as quickly as she could. She probably figured she could find out what happened later when she watched it on the All Guerin, All the Time network.
“Right off, I’m calling bullshit on your whole explanation of Bree relationships.”
“Based on what?”
“How about the talk we had on Earth before you left. Do you remember that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Really? When you thought I was dumping you so I could just move on and find myself a cute little Earth girl?”
“What’s your point?”
“You didn’t seem to be okay with that. If what you just told me is really true, then why were you so upset? According to your little speech, couples move on all the time when their interests take them on separate paths. You were crying, and more than a little upset with me.”
“That’s not fair, Guerin.”
“Why? Because it proves I’m right?”
“Because I was in love with you.”
“So, you’re not in love with me anymore and you’re suddenly thinking straight?”
“I’m not going to have this conversation with you here.”
“Ok, fair enough, but let’s get back to what the issue was. Cindy.”
“Ok.”
“If all of that bullshit you were trying to dump on me were true, then what is the problem with me putting the move on Cindy? We were just two ships passing in the night, right? To you Bree these relationships are just temporary. So what did I do wrong?”
“I told you already.”
“I’m not buying it. I didn’t treat her like some common streetwalker, and if I did, it’s only because I don’t treat common streetwalkers any different than any other women.”
Milly couldn’t help but snicker.
“Cindy knows how I feel about her, and I would never do anything to hurt her. No. She was mad about something else. She just used my making a pass at her as an excuse to unload on me. Face it, Milly. For all your bullshit about how you’ve advanced beyond the pettiness of human relationships, you’re no different than human women.”
“Ok, smarty. Tell me what you think she was so mad about?”
“Well, I hadn’t talked to her in a little while...”
“Ok, 200 years is what you call a little while?”
“Whatever. I would expect you uber-intelligent space travelers to realize that time is a relative thing.”
“Very funny, Guerin. Don’t stop. I’m dying to hear how this little story of yours ends.”
“Well, like I said. We hadn’t talked in a while, and I think that may have upset her a bit. Especially when she found out I was in contact with other members of my team and the Collective. I told her not to take it personally, it was a Bree thing, but I think she did anyways. Then she brought up your name and I said something about how I was surprised the Council hadn’t sent you. Well, she took that the wrong way and got a little pissed about it.”
“And that surprises you, Guerin? You truly are an idiot when it comes to women.”
“Maybe, but again it just proves my point. What you told me was bullshit. She was obviously jealous, just like you were earlier.”
“I wasn’t jealous.”
“Whatever. Anyways, I think Cindy wanted an apology, and maybe some serious groveling before she put out the goods. You know what I mean?”
“Unfortunately, I think I do know what you mean, and it scares me. It seems the longer I listen to you, the more I think I understand you. What I think is really happening is that stupid must be contagious.”
“Or perhaps my intelligence is so overwhelming you simply can’t argue with it.”
“Luckily Stella wasn’t here to witness this. I’m sure she’d have sent you off for a long rest somewhere.”
“I’m sure Stella, and the rest of the Collective worlds, will be reading about it in the morning feeds.”
“Can we go now, Guerin?”
“Sure. You want me to drop you back at the
witch’s castle?”
Her only reply was a look. I liked that look and it was probably why I liked pushing her buttons like that. We both got up and I started to head for the exit, but Milly headed over to the bar. I wasn’t sure why. I thought she wanted to go. I turned around to follow her and I caught up with her at the bar talking to Sarah.
“We’re going to head down to the Earth Bar if you’d like to join us, Sarah?”
“I’ve got a few things I need to finish up here first. If you’re going to be there for a while I’ll catch up to you. I hear Maria’s performing tonight.”
I was confused at first since it was morning on this side of the ship. I tend to ignore confusion because that’s all it actually is. It’s a waste of brain cycles. The use of the word “tonight” in Sarah’s statement can be removed and it makes no difference. If you remove that word, the confusion no longer exists. So that word was obviously the confusion I had experienced, and if I ignored it, it would go away. I tried not to let the Bree know I had this superpower. It could come in handy one day.
“Yes, she is. That’s why I thought I’d take Guerin there for a while.”
“Ok. I’ll see you there.”
Milly grabbed my hand and led me out the front door. I didn’t know Maria was performing. I guess Milly wanted to surprise me. Then I started thinking. Why would Milly want to surprise me, and exactly what was the surprise?
Chapter 10
A Few Drinks at the Earth Bar
We made our way down to the ground level where we took the elevator to the spaceport section of the ship. Here is where I started to get confused again because we did that elevator gravity flip thing on the way. I always sort of wondered where the direction of gravity actually reversed. I guess since the gravity was generated by the flooring it wasn’t a big deal. Like I said, it’s best to ignore the things like this that confused me. Still, why was the spaceport gravity in the same direction as on the dayside? Was the dayside the better neighborhood? Is that where all the bigwigs lived and so they dictated the gravity be in the same direction that they were used to? Milly could see I was deep in thought when we exited the elevator.
“Still can’t figure it out, can you, Guerin?”
“I figured it out a long time ago, Milly. I just don’t understand it.” Milly just smiled. I’m sure she had some smartass comment ready to go but for some reason, she held back.
Things hadn’t changed much since I was last here. The usual slacker hipsters were hanging out in front of the bar. They were wearing more modern Earth clothes and my Tommy Bahama duds were a little outdated. Still, some of the slackers were wearing the same style apparel as I was. I guess it was still “cool”.
We made our way through the crowds to a table near the actual bar. Several friends and members of my Earth team were already there. I said a quick hello and Milly grabbed a seat at the table. I took her drink order and ran off to the bar where Bart and Sly were sitting. I figured I’d get in a little guy time with my drinking buddies and say hello to Susan, my favorite Bree bartender. I glanced over at Susan, working the other end of the bar, and we both exchanged smiles and a little hello nod. Seca was close by so she came over to take my order.
“Hello, Guerin.”
“Hi.”
“I’m glad you could make it. What can I get you?”
“How about a couple of Pappy’s?”
“The usual way?”
“Is there any other way?”
Seca smiled and headed off to fix our drinks.
“Well, if it isn’t my good friend Sly. Is it safe to take a seat here, or are you planning on betraying your old drinking buddy again?”
“Oh come on, Guerin. I didn’t betray you.”
Bart looked over. “What did he do this time, Guerin?”
“He ran out on me after lunch today. I was all alone with Stella, Maria, and Milly. You can guess what they wanted, Bart.”
“HA, HA, HA!” Bart let loose what he called a laugh, but it reminded me of a noise one might expect to come out of Sasquatch. “What did they want to talk to you about, Guerin.”
“It was the usual bullshit. They wanted to know what was wrong with me. Had I totally fucking lost it. How many people I killed before breakfast. Like I said, the usual shit.”
“Yea, and of course Guerin flew into a tantrum, told them all off, and stormed out. Now Stella wants me to talk to him and see if I can figure out what’s up.”
“Oh, so that’s why we’re all here tonight.”
“I told her to drop it, Guerin, but you know my wife. Mind helping me out?”
“After you bolted on me at lunch? No way.”
“Come on. Just give me something to tell her. You’re a lot better at making shit up like that.”
Seca brought me my drinks. “I’ll take Milly’s drink over to the table for you, Guerin, and let you guys talk.”
“Thanks, Seca.” Of course, I wasn’t that dumb. This whole male bonding scene had obviously been staged, and Seca was in on it. Stella was a devious woman, but I could usually spot her little schemes. I figured I’d play along since I had nothing better planned.
“I wouldn’t help him out if I were you, Guerin. Let him spend a few nights in the doghouse. What kind of man pulls a stunt like that on a drinking buddy?”
“You’re one to talk, Bart. I didn’t see you helping me out when that little psycho bitch attacked me on Erandi.”
“What are you talking about? I set you up with one of the hottest babes on Erandi. Isn’t that what, what do you call it, your wingman, right?” I nodded. “Isn’t that what your wingman is supposed to do?”
“Just keep telling yourselves whatever stories you want, Bart. You’re going to pay for it one day, and that includes that little she-bitch wife of yours.”
We all laughed and took a drink. I wasn’t joking though. I had all the time in the world to plan out my payback.
“So? Are you going to help me out?”
“If what I suspect is going on here, Sly, I promise you I’ll put on a good show.”
“Thanks.”
“I probably should go over to the table and join Milly. If I don’t go and spend some time with the others it will just be another thing for them all to bitch about. Are you guys going to join us?”
Bart gave me a look I had never seen from him before. It looked like a cross between fear and confusion. “Are you kidding?”
“So much for being my wingmen, huh? You do know that the wingmen are supposed to protect their leader.”
“Not when their leader is always getting them into trouble. You’re on your own, Maverick.” Bart’s reference to Top Gun made me laugh as I ventured over to the valley of death alone.
Maria stood up, gave me a hug and a little kiss on the cheek when I reached their table. “I’m glad you came. Are you feeling better?”
I took a seat next to Maria. “I’m fine.”
“Did you and Milly have a nice dinner?”
“Yes. Then she told me all about the birds and the bees, I mean the Bree version of course.”
“Did you learn anything?”
“Yes. The Bree are totally full of shit.”
Maria shook her head. The night was young. I’m sure the whole table had a load of shit to dump on me as well. They’d been saving it up for the last 200 or so years.
“Will you join me for a couple of songs, Dad?”
“No! The organ grinder’s little monkey will not be performing tonight.”
“Oh come on, Dad?”
“I said no. Besides, the last time I did, everyone said my music was too depressing. Unless you want to ruin everyone else’s mood, I suggest you drop it.”
“You really are becoming a bit of a buzz kill in your old age. Just a couple of songs, please?”
Maria gave me the look she had used on me so many times as a little child. I thought what a strange woman she’d grown up to be. She had learned to be annoying, like her Bree mentors, but at the same time, she c
ould call upon that superpower that all daughters had. The result was totally predictable.
“Ok. A couple of quick ones, but don’t complain if they’re too depressing for your tastes.
Maria smiled. She knew that she cheated, but like her tutors, she saw nothing wrong with that.
I headed up to the stage and saw my old acoustic guitar was there. It was a Kazuo Yairi DYM85. A lot of people swore by Martin guitars, but I fell in love with the handmade Yairi when I visited their factory in Kani, Gifu, Japan. I was there working for GE Aerospace at the time and I heard about them from some of the locals I was working with. One weekend I decided to check out their factory and I came back to my hotel with this guitar.
The build of their guitars was amazing. One day, after I got back for Japan, I was talking to a friend in the living room. The guitar was sitting out in the room on a stand. I heard something. We stopped talking and I heard this buzzing. I searched for where it was coming from. It was the guitar. I damped the strings with my hand and we started talking again. The strings started buzzing once more. Any sound in the room would resonate through the body of this acoustic and cause the strings to vibrate. It was like this guitar was calling out to its owner to be played.
It was my favorite guitar. Maria knew this, and I gave it to her for her first guitar when she started to play. I grabbed the guitar by the neck, and as I did, I could feel the strings vibrating as my hand touched them. It was calling to me to play. It brought back so many memories. I don’t know how Maria had kept it in such good condition. I mean the thing was almost as old as I was.
My first song was an old Fred Neil song, Everybody’s Talking. Most people in my day were familiar with the Harry Nilsson version of this song from the movie Midnight Cowboy. If you’re familiar with this song, you can see how it fit my mood over the last few days. Playing this song reminded me of another Harry Nilsson song. One I used to play for Maria as a lullaby when she was a small girl. When I finished the first song, I played that song, The Moonbeam Song, for Maria. I could see her crying a bit at the table. I don’t know how many nights my little girl would beg me to play that song for her before she would go to sleep.
