by Guerin Zand
This left me and Julie alone once more. As I am fond of saying, every silver lining has a cloud.
“Alone again, Guerin. I must be the luckiest girl in this universe.”
“The fact that I haven’t killed you yet is proof enough of that.”
“Speaking of killing.”
“Really, Julie. You’re going to give me shit for killing those three monsters, who by the way, were trying to kill me. It’s not like I even had time to say ‘Hi’ before they attacked me.”
“You promised if we gave you the knowledge to not need to use force, you wouldn’t.”
“But your tech didn’t work on those three. Has Sammy figured out what caused the little mishap this morning?”
“Yes, he did as a matter of fact. When you set up the field for the lab area you picked a spot in the main lab to focus the field output. Had you chosen a spot in the secondary lab, the field would have compensated for the suppression field. You screwed up.”
“Oh, so it was my fault you failed to mention that one little piece of information?”
“Did you check for active suppression fields anywhere first?”
“No, I didn’t know I had to. Don’t try and make this my fault.”
“You asked us for the knowledge, so you could do it yourself, if we weren’t going to do it for you. We did what you asked. You just thought you could aim your new little toy in the right direction and pull the trigger?”
“Well, yea. How was I supposed to know any different?”
“Ok, so if you handed me a gun, and didn’t tell me about bullet drop and windage, it would be your fault if I missed?”
Ok, maybe she had a point there, but I knew that wasn’t what happened here.
“Don’t try and turn this on me. You could have warned me. I’m sure Sammy was monitoring everything. He had the sensor net readings, and nobody ever mentioned a suppression field to me.”
“What are you saying, Guerin? We put you in danger on purpose?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. You gave your little boy a box of matches and sent him off to play just to teach him a lesson. He got burned, and now you’re scolding him, telling him how he should have been more careful.”
“Your colorful analogies are always so amusing.”
“Whatever, Julie. I could have gotten killed down there. I won’t forget that. And people wonder why I have a problem with you?”
“And a big, WHATEVER, right back at you. Anyways, you’re fine and you don’t have a reason to kill those Alacians. Keep your promise now. Send them on their way.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“And what about your little stunt?”
“What?”
“That little setup with Mei this afternoon. You enjoy putting us on the spot and pushing us. We could have discussed your plans for the outer moons before that meeting. Instead, you waited until the meeting to force our hand in front of everyone there.”
“I’ve found the Bree respond best under pressure. Besides, you question everything I do. Being there means you have no right to criticize me. You could have had your say if you disagreed with me. How could I possibly stop you?”
“You have no problem admitting that we are the superior species. You know we could end your existence with a thought, yet you insist on provoking us. Would you walk up to a lion in the jungle and provoke it?”
“If it had no teeth or claws, and it was annoying me? Yes.”
“So that’s how you see us? What is it you say, a toothless tiger?”
“Yes, and I think Heesa did as well. He took advantage of that, I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop pushing you any more than you’re going to stop pushing me.”
“Fair enough. I am glad you’re ok. You do know that, right?”
“I do wonder. Speaking of that, Roger and Steve reviewed the little mishap. They believe you’ve done more to me than you admit. Neither one of them believes with the enhancements you made to them they would have survived. Are they right?”
“Maybe they just haven’t been pushed as far yet.”
“That’s not an answer, Julie.”
“It’s not?” Julie finished her drink and smiled. She got up and headed back to her quarters. She turned with that smile still on her face. “A bathtub in the Captain’s quarters?”
I shrugged and smiled back. “There’s nothing like a good soak to pass the time.”
I cleaned up the little mess left in the galley and made my way to the command center to take care of a few things. When I arrived at the command center I found Senri there. She had a sick little smile on her face.
“A fine time was had by all tonight, Captain.”
“Let’s just leave it at that if you don’t mind, Senri.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything.”
I gave her that look, you know the one, the one that pretty much says “Yea, right”.
“We need to take care of the Alacians. Have you found a lovely place to send them?”
“This planet here, Cranztoo. It’s a class ‘M’ planet with no native intelligent species.”
That’s right, I had instituted the Star Trek standard classifications for planetary bodies. I had a neat little graphic from way back when, and I had posted it in the command center for reference. Back in our pirate days, Senri had converted the entire Collective database to include this classification system. We might have accidentally released a mild virus in the Collective stream to include this, and a few other updates, throughout the Collective. I considered it sort of a preemptive strike. Being the first human to have any influence in the Collective, I believed I had the right to name shit as I saw fit. Bree terminology was tedious, lengthy, and just too damn hard to make any sense of. All humans would feel at home with this new system for planetary classification, being that it really wasn’t new. When the Bree passed on information to humans after first contact, this would already be the de facto Earth standard reference.
I also hated unnecessary work. Let fucking Gene Roddenberry's estate sue me. That’s what I said. When I was a young engineer, working on reports, I learned a valuable lesson almost the first day. This was a rule we followed for doing graphics back in the day before computers were capable, or practical to use for such things. This rule can be interpreted and applied to a lot of other endeavors if you try. This rule is known as Wallace Wood's Rule of Drawing.
1) Never draw what you can copy. (See how it applies in this case?)
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Senri was a big Star Trek fan and we often sat back in the galley watched the movies or TV series’ episodes. I handed her a copy of Geoffrey Mandel’s “Star Trek Start Charts” one day and she took it from there. She included in our little, and somewhat illegal upload, stellar classifications as well as some other interesting conversions. She even converted standard spacetime velocities to the equivalent warp factors. Of course, there was the so-called theoretical limit of warp factor 10 which we had to deal with. Our conversion included a warp factor of 11, since it’s obvious to even the most dim-witted idiot, 11 is 1 better than 10.
For those of you that need a basic refresher on warp technology, here goes. Warp 10 is defined as infinite velocity. Any ship traveling at warp 10 would exist at all points in the universe at once. So, Warp 11 was the term we applied to traveling through a transit portal. It makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard. At warp 11, we can travel to any point in the universe instantly. Warp 10 itself is only a mathematical limit, sort of like how we used to see the speed of light. It’s a limit based on the math used. Once you get there, you realize your math is all wrong, so you come up with new math to explain your mistake. Let’s face it. If you were everywhere in the universe at once it would get a little crowded. Onboard Vengeance, the command to go to warp 10 was the secret code to initiate self-destruct. It was essential a captain keep that in mind.
&
nbsp; “Are there any non-native intelligent species that inhabit Cranztoo?”
“No. It may be class ‘M’, but it’s not a real nice place. The gravity is about 75% greater than on Earth and it rotates about its axis one complete revolution in 12.5 hours. The temperature is relatively constant throughout the different climate ranges, but the predators on the surface are probably the deadliest creatures around. There is a plentiful supply of water and food sources available, including the predators. You just have to be brave enough, or stupid enough to leave your ship to find it. I think it’s perfect for our friends.”
“Their chance of rescue or survival?”
Senri smiled. “It depends.”
“On what?”
“They will have their ship for shelter and they have enough supplies, along with their recycling systems, to survive for maybe one hundred years or so. Their rescue depends on if their friends want to rescue them. I don’t see how that’s our problem. They’ll have the ability to contact Alacie for help, and it’s relatively close to their home planet.”
The plan was simple. We were going to send them through a portal that just happened to be a few feet off the surface of this planet. Their ship was not capable of a powered landing or takeoff from a planet’s surface. Especially one with a gravity well of this magnitude. That’s why they used a shuttle to land on Ganymede. They’d be able to survive, but it wouldn’t be comfortable, and it wouldn’t be fun. Sounded perfect to me.
We debated for a while just how many feet above the planet would give them a good and proper jolt, yet not be too extreme. We finally settled on six feet using the scientifically proven rock, paper, and scissors method.
Ok, I knew the Council was probably going to have a problem with our little plan. In my defense, I only said I wouldn’t toss them into the gravity well of a black hole or stellar body. Besides, they pulled that little shithead stunt on me. Not warning me about the effect of suppression fields on the immobilization thingy. I wanted to let them know I could play word games as well.
“Make it so.” Yea, I know. The language we used was a mixture of terms from Star Trek, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Princess Bride, and whatever other sources we felt like using. We considered it an homage and not plagiarism. So, sue me.
“Aye aye, Captain.” Senri sent our friends on their way with a smile. I just hoped we got out of Dodge before the Council figured it out.
I left Senri in the command center. We both felt a lot better about the current state of the universe after sending the Alacians on their way. If it weren’t for the rather unorthodox sexual practices of Senri’s race, which I had no desire to know about, we would have made the perfect couple. We both had a bit of a mean streak and we loved to screw with assholes like the Alacians. Her real passion was for killing Trogans. She often boasted about her blowing up that Trogan diplomatic envoy. She’d often tease, even I hadn’t done anything like that. I would always put her in her place by reminding her that it was I who assassinated the Trogan emperor, so there. Maybe we were too much alike. It would have never worked out between us.
I headed back up to the crew deck and the Captain’s quarters. I entered the bedroom to find Gamma now dressed in a white fluffy bunny onesie. It even had rabbit ears attached to the hood and a puffy cotton tail. She was asleep in Prima’s lap while Prima rocked away in a rocking chair. That hadn’t been there the last time I was in my quarters.
“Really? A rocking chair?”
“Maria said you used to have one in your house and she liked it.”
I shook my head as I noticed Maria was asleep in my bed.
“Where am I supposed to sleep?”
“You can sleep in the bed I set up for Gamma.”
“I can’t fit in that bed. Besides, where is Gamma going to sleep?”
“I was just going to put her in bed with Maria and me.”
“Wait. You, Miss Alien Sexpot of the Universe, in bed with my two daughters? I mean, normally I wouldn’t have a problem with three beautiful women in my bed, except for the fact that they are my daughters you know?”
“Grow up. You can sleep in my quarters or Maria’s. What is your problem?”
“My problem? I’m the Captain and this just happens to be the Captain’s quarters. That’s my problem.”
“We all know that’s just a tile you made up for yourself, Guerin.”
“It is not a title I made up. The Captain is the person in charge of a ship, and on this ship, that’s me.”
“Well, I’m sure the rest of the crew will all be happy to know that, I know I am. It still isn’t a reason why you can’t sleep somewhere else.”
“What do you...”
“If you wouldn’t mind leaving now. You don’t want to wake up Gamma, do you? You can finish your rant in the morning when we’re all awake to hear it. If it makes you feel better, you can play with my undergarments if you choose to stay in my quarters.”
Prima stood up with Gamma still asleep in her arms and proceeded to shoo me out of my own quarters. Before the door slammed shut behind me I turned and said, “It wasn’t a rant.”
I thought to myself, “There, I sure told her.”, as I stared at the now closed door. She was supposed to be the Captain’s personal steward. Part of that job was to keep other people out of my quarters, not me. I was going to have to find a viewer and look up the job description. I’d print her out a copy so we wouldn’t have this sort of misunderstanding in the future. On the bright side, her offer to let me play with her undergarments was actually the best offer any woman had made me in days.
Chapter 17
The Love Boat
I woke up to find Prima shaking me gently. Yes, I’d actually been able to sleep. I guess almost getting killed helped with my insomnia.
“Guerin? Guerin?”
At first, I just tried to bury my head deeper into the pillows, but Prima was still calling my name and shaking me. I turned over to look up at her.
“Are you asleep?”
Such an existential question this early in the morning was too much for me. I rolled back over and buried my face in the pillow. “Yes,” I mumbled. The muffling effect of the pillow also added an eerie tone that I hoped would make my response even more convincing.
“Get up.” She had stopped shaking me and there was a noticeable increase in the volume of her voice. “I have to shower and get changed.”
I rolled over and smiled. “Don’t let me stop you.”
“Come on. You need to get up too.”
I noticed something under the covers. “I think I am up. Can you give me a few minutes?”
Prima shook her head and gave me her version of a disgusted look. To me, it was more of an inviting look. I don’t think she had a large vocabulary of looks. Maybe I just had problems telling the difference.
“Did you at least put my undergarments back where you found them?”
She went over and opened one of the drawers to check I guess. I was slightly offended, but I let it slide. It did help put a damper on the mood and I was able to get out of bed without embarrassing myself. I grabbed my pants and put them on. I found my shirt hanging on the chair where I left it. I walked over, put it on, and slipped on my shoes.
“I probably should go check on Gamma. I want to get to her before Maria tries to force some vegan breakfast sludge on her.”
“They’re both still sleeping. It’s still early.”
“Then why did you wake me up?”
“I was hoping I could talk to you for a bit in private.”
“I thought you wanted to shower and change?”
“I do, but I also wanted to talk to you.”
“Can it wait?”
“I guess.”
“Are you sure, Prima?”
“Yes, we can talk later.”
“Ok, how about after breakfast? I don’t think I have anything important today, so I should have plenty of time.”
“That’s fine.” That’s what she said, but I w
as starting to wake up.
Some sort of alarm was going off in the back of my mind. It was an old alarm I didn’t recognize at first. Then it dawned on me. I’m not that stupid. This was the alarm that used to go off regularly when I was married to Anna. You guys know the one I’m talking about. It goes off when a woman said one thing, but that’s not what she really meant. There’s a slight inflection in their voices when this happens. It’s subtle, really subtle. Somehow men are supposed to know this difference instinctively and respond accordingly. It’s only after getting this wrong a gazillion times, and paying the price, that we learn to simply not believe them when they say things like “That’s fine.”, or “It’s ok.” My personal favorite of all time though, “Never mind. It’s nothing.”
“What is it, Prima?”
“It’s ok. We can talk later.”
This was just another test response and it was best to ignore it. Don’t ask me to explain the logic behind all of this. If I could, I’d have made a fortune writing books for men to help them understand women. Since we know that is a fundamental impossibility throughout this universe’s spacetime, let’s not even waste our time. When in doubt just take the time to listen to the woman causing this confusion. It’s the safe move. I’ve never gotten into trouble for listening to a woman. Now, if listening to them causes you to take some action, you can get in trouble for that. Let’s leave that discussion for another time. Just be careful. Listening can cause you to do something that will get you in trouble. Try not to talk too much, and when you do, think good and hard before you open your mouth. I’m just saying...
“No. We can talk now. What’s bothering you?”
“Well, I guess if you have time?”
It wasn’t really a question. It was more of an opening statement. At this point, you should just get comfortable. I did, and I took a seat next to her on the bed. This somehow conveys to the woman you are paying attention. DON’T STAND! Whatever you do, DON’T STAND! That tells the woman you would really prefer to be somewhere else and you don’t really care. It doesn’t matter what the truth is. At this critical juncture in the dance, the woman is going to interpret every little thing you do the way she wants to interpret it. Yes, I said this was the safe move. I didn’t say it was going to be easy.
