by Alex Flynn
I keep hearing in my head what Dan said yesterday about some arrests being made in my case. Now that I’m out and about I can’t help but carry on walking and taking a look down at Adam’s community. Thankfully, the rain has stopped but by the time I get there everything is quiet once again. The streets are virtually empty and most of the shops look shut.
For some reason I feel guilty. Like I’m the one who’s to blame for having nine lives ruined and a whole communities reputation damaged. Is that true? Is it my fault? Maybe I’m such bad news that I ruin every life I come into contact with.
I certainly ruined Lottie’s life. Mum’s going to be nearly 40 by the time she gets out of prison. I’ve no idea what happened to any of my former foster carers or Key Workers, but what if I was the trigger incident that pushed them over the edge and caused them to have a breakdown which they never recovered from?
And then there’s Jack. Maybe I should just text him and thank him for all his help but say that I think it’s best that I don’t see him any more. I can’t run the risk of ruining his life as well. He’s got far too much going for him.
Even though I had some breakfast I still feel like I’ve not eaten properly. Thinking about hunger makes it worse as well so I start to look around for some place that looks like it might be open. As I start to cross the road, I feel a hand pulling me back and a voice telling me:
‘You shouldn’t be round here.’
Chapter Thirty Five
Dan doesn’t say a word to me once he’s bundled me into the back of his car. He sits in the back next to me whilst his subordinate is on driving duties. I think about making some comment about if he’s going to get me banned from that area, just like Lucy, but Dan doesn’t look in the mood. He looks like he’s been up all night and the last thing he needs is to be patronised by some stupid little kid who seems determined to ruin her life one way or another.
Sandra’s stood at the gates by the time we make it back. She doesn’t say much to me as well and just tells me to go and wait in the Interrogation Zone. I consider texting Jack whilst I’m waiting for the rest of them to join me, but I figure that if I get caught on my mobile by Dan then he’ll want to know exactly what I’ve been texting Jack and also who else I’ve been in contact with.
None of then speak to me when they enter the room. Dan’s giving in to his drug addiction and is swigging from a cup of coffee whilst his subordinate and Sandra have got masses of paperwork with them. Everything points to the fact that I’m going to be stuck in here all day.
‘Do you enjoy putting yourself in danger,’ Dan finally says.
I don’t understand what he means. All I did was go for a walk down a street in broad daylight. But Dan doesn’t look like he’s in the mood to be playing games today. He looks totally focused on getting as much information as possible and being able to move to the next stage of his investigation.
I look at Sandra. After our conversation yesterday I expected her to be far more informal with me, but she looks the most professional I’ve seen her in the few days that I’ve been lucky enough to know her.
Surprisingly though, it’s Dan’s subordinate who breaks the silence. She has ten pictures of men in her hand which she lays out on the table in front of me.
‘Do you recognise any of these men?’
Initially, I think that all the images are stills from C.C.T.V. images until Adam’s face lurches out at me and makes my stomach jump. His photo is a police mug shot with yesterday’s date on it.
They’ve arrested Adam. My sweet innocent Adam who looked out for me. Who’d go out of his way to give me a lift home. Who’s got a wife and a young family to support. He’s probably in custody right now wondering what’s going to happen to him.
‘Well?’
Dan sounds impatient. I nod my head, but when I try to speak no words come out. He asks me how many of the men I recognise but I’ve not looked at all the pictures properly. The sight of Adam’s vacant, worried, eyes have distracted me.
He had the same look on his face the first time he slept with me. Sorry, I mean “raped” me. Like he was scared for the future. Thought that his whole life was about to change. But Sandra prompts me about the other pictures so I’ve got to look at them.
Straight away I recognise most of the staff from Megabites. But I never did anything with them. Then it becomes clear at what I’m looking at here. There’s the two brothers who owned Megabites. Adam and another driver who just used to ignore me. And six other staff members. Off the top of my head that’s pretty much everyone who worked there during the few months or so I used to hang out there.
‘Have all these men been arrested?’ I ask, to Dan’s subordinate, to test whose side she’s on today. But Dan speaks on her behalf.
‘They’ve been asked to help us with our investigation. So do you recognise any of them?’
I nod my head.
‘How many?’
‘All of them.’
I look at Sandra to try and judge how she’s feeling but she’s not giving anything away.
‘How do you know them?’ Dan asks.
‘They all used to work at Megabites.’
‘Did you ever see any of them elsewhere?’
I nod my head.
‘Which man?’
I point to Adam. Point my accusatory finger that has just changed Adam’s life forever. Dan puts Adam’s picture to one side and his subordinate puts the rest into an envelope.
All of a sudden I feel ill. Like I either need some fresh air or something to eat. I want to say something but I don’t want to it sound like I’m making excuses and trying to get out of something. Dan virtually said yesterday that I’ve got to do everything he says otherwise the courts won’t believe me, like they wouldn’t have believed Lucy.
When Dan speaks again I struggle to hear him. The Interrogation Zone doesn’t have any natural light and the strip lighting is burning through my eyelids, into my pupils. I feel an arm on my shoulder but I can’t understand what the voice is saying to me. I think I try to stand up but I’m not quite sure. Everything seems distant and far away. I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have spoke out. I should have stayed silent. It’s all Jack’s fault. He’s ruined everything. I’ve lost all control of what’s going on in my life now. I don’t even know whether I’m awake or whether I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming because I feel like I’m floating but I can’t make myself wake up.
Chapter Thirty Six
I’ve no idea how I’ve ended up in bed fully clothed. Everything feels weird. My head hurts and my eyes ache as I try to make sense of what’s going on. When Dr Protection walks into my room, followed by Sandra, I definitely think I’m hallucinating.
‘What have you had to eat today?’ he asks me.
I look at Sandra. She tells him about the cereal and asks me if I’ve had anything else. I shake my head and some nurse who I didn’t notice at first says she’ll make sure that’s put right.
What’s happening to me? My legs feel weird and Dr Protection has his hand on my wrist as he checks my pulse. He puts his hand on my forehead and then takes my temperature.
‘Do you have a history of fainting?’
I shake my head. I think the only time I’ve ever fainted before was when I wanted to get out of P.E. in school. I wasn’t feeling particularly unwell, but worrying about P.E. all day convinced my body I actually was ill and on the way to the cloakroom to get my P.E. kit I keeled over.
But maybe subconsciously I wanted to faint today because I didn’t want to be presented with any more photographs. I didn’t want to get any more reminders of what I’ve done in the past. I’m not the type of person who goes out seeking justice. I’d just rather forget things and be allowed to move on.
The nurse comes back into the room and she starts to set-up some kind of drip. I immediately start to panic and look to Sandra for some comfort. She tells me that everything’s going t
o be okay and Dr Protection tells me that the drip will only be for a short while to get some much needed energy into my body.
I hate needles at the best of times but because I’m feeling the way I am then I feel like the needle is going to go through my hand when Dr Protection inserts it into me. He tells me I’ve to stay in bed for the rest of the day, to keep on eating, and not to doing anything too stressful.
Sandra says that she’ll make sure I follow doctor’s orders but doesn’t mention anything about the thing that has made me stress out in the first place. Dr Protection and the nurse go, saying that they’ll be back in a bit to take the drip out and I’m left all alone with Sandra.
‘We’re really asking a lot from you, aren’t we?’
I don’t reply. Not because I’m being ignorant, but because I really am too tired to speak. This week has all been so hectic and it’s all finally caught up with me. Firstly, I was introduced to Dan and his subordinate who made me feel like the dirtiest little scrubber in town. Then Jack arrived and made me feel like I was actually worth caring about. So I then had to stand up for myself and get Gillian out of my life. But that still left all the issues with Kate. Then there was Dr Protection’s little entrance which made me fear for my health. And I’ve still not heard anything back about the results from that yet.
I think the incident where I was sedated until I woke up at four o’clock in the morning came next; which lead to me finding Jack’s details and going off on an adventure with him and Lucy. In between this I’ve have to deal with Mrs Robinson making me get up and open my bedroom door to answer her pointless questions. Plus, I’ve had to put up with being patronised by Dan’s subordinate whilst trying to work out what it is that she wants to happen from my whole situation.
So to answer your question Sandra, then yes; you really are asking a lot from me. I’m 15 years-old. I shouldn’t have this going on in my life. I should be hanging around on street corners and lusting after boys who are way out of my league. Boys like Jack. Boys who are actually men who don’t show any interest in naive little girls like me.
I shouldn’t have been involved with men who purposely seek out and take advantage of naive little girls because they know that they’re an easy target. I can understand now why the police didn’t want to take Lucy’s allegations seriously in the first place. How on earth are they going to get enough evidence together to convict Adam and his “friends”?
It’s essentially their word against mine. And I don’t know if I’ve got the strength to go through it all in minute detail. Remember all the dates. The faces. What actually happened in a step-by-step basis. Me pointing to a picture and wailing “he’s the naughty man who touched me” isn’t going to stand-up in court.
The court’s going to want to know where he touched me. How many times he touched me. Whether he forced himself on me. Whether he gave me drugs and alcohol. And the court’s going to want to know this for every single one of them.
But I can’t remember most of the details. The important details anyway. I was so shy that I just used to lie there and try to make as little eye contact as possible. It wasn’t like I got to know most of them before they satisfied their needs inside me.
Sandra puts her arms around me and starts stroking the top of my head. It actually does feel comforting and I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. Felt so safe. Felt so secure. But I’m not safe. And I’m definitely not secure. Not with my mind the way it is.
I actually thought I was making some progress, until today. Thought that I was getting somewhere. And that one day I’d be well enough to leave care and start living my own life. But maybe I am ill. Maybe I do need 24 hour supervision because I’m not well enough mentally to know what I’m doing.
What if I’m not a fake? What if I really am ill and I’ll need to spend the rest of my life receiving some kind of care or another. What would be the point in living?
Then I remember what Dan said about Lucy’s case. He said that he’d re-opened it. So Lucy will be going through the same things that I am. Will have to answer the same questions that I have. Will be made to feel as disgusting as I do. So if Lucy’s going through the same things as me then surely it would be a good idea for us to see each other. For us to support each other.
Me spending time with Lucy and discussing what she’s been through as well is surely going to be more productive than talking about it to a complete stranger who’s never been through the same things themselves. She might say something that triggers something deep in my memory that so far I’ve managed to blank out. So I think that seeing Lucy would be a good idea.
But Sandra doesn’t think so. She says that she’s asked Dan about Lucy and he thinks that she’d have too much of a negative impact on me. I want to argue and say that I think it would be a really good idea but I’m still too tired. I really am drained. I hate feeling like this. Incapable.
Incapable of looking after myself. Incapable of being trusted to see whoever I want to see. But then I suppose at least I’ve got Sandra. She does seem to have some idea of how to look after me. Of how to get through to me. And of how to get me to listen to her and actually want to do what she says.
‘Did you get your mobile credit?’ Sandra asks.
I nod my head and then I remember that I’ve still not texted Jack since yesterday. He did tell me to contact him when it was convenient but I bet he was expecting an update before now.
And there is something significant to report. Adam has been arrested. The man who lured me into a paedophile ring has to put his side of the story forward. I wonder what he’s going to put forward as his defence? I don’t know too much about these types of cases. I don’t know what kind of evidence is needed. Surely the prosecution can’t rely on just the word of me, Lucy and any other girls suspected of being involved in order to secure a conviction?
Every time I think about the future and another potential court case, I feel sick. Even though once again it won’t be me who’s on trial I’ve still got a feeling that I’ll be the one to lose everything as well. Although this time I haven’t got anything to lose. Well, only my potential freedom in the future.
But what if the court case goes wrong? What if my evidence just makes me look like a psycho with mental illness issues. What if Adam and his “friends” walk free from all this and what I say just sounds like the type of lies that an attention seeking loser with no life makes up.
I must be muttering to myself because Sandra’s trying to soothe me. I think she wants me to go to sleep but it’s only the middle of the afternoon. If I fall asleep now then I’ll probably wake up in the middle of the night again and that’s part of what made me get into this state in the first place.
Dr Protection comes back in the room so I pretend to be asleep, but he must not be as daft as he looks because he talks to me like he knows that I’m fully awake. I’d forgotten that the drip was still inside my hand when he yanks it out without warning and I yelp and shoot him a look like he’s just butchered me. I don’t know what was inside the drip because it hasn’t made me feel any better. But there all getting up to leave. Saying that I need my sleep and that things will be better tomorrow.
Chapter Thirty Seven
Kate’s back. She’s not supposed to be working today and she’s only had one day off. But then I remember that it’s Saturday and she’ll be getting double time. Getting in all the hours she can before they realise how bad she is at her job.
Sandra lied to me yesterday. She said that things would be better today. But how can someone like Kate getting paid a fortune to sit and look at me moronically be good for me?
I feel like a gorilla in a zoo again. Kate’s brought a load of fresh fruit with her and is wittering on about how it’s a special diet that I’ve got to follow. I sit-up in bed, to make myself more comfortable, but Kate immediately jumps down my throat and tells me how I’ve been ordered by Dr Protection not to go
out. I don’t bother explaining myself. Instead I just roll my eyes and start eating a banana. Not because I want to please Kate but because I actually am hungry.
Eventually Kate has enough of gawking at me and goes to see if any of the other exhibits in the nut-house are worth looking at. I get up out of bed and find my mobile. It needs charging up so I plug it in whilst I go and have a shower.
By the time I look at my mobile again there’s a message waiting for me. From Jack:
You heard anything about Lucy? She’s gone missing. Again. x
Well, I suppose we all have our ways of dealing with things. I don’t know much about Lucy’s past but the fact that Jack has put “again” separately at the end of the message says a lot. Even though my head’s still all over the place I call Jack. He answers straight away and immediately says that he’ll call me back.
‘You okay?’ he asks. ‘You sound a bit funny.’
I don’t really know what to say to that. I don’t know if I should tell him that I fainted when I saw Adam’s mug-shot, but I don’t really get the chance to answer Jack’s question as he’s too busy telling me about Lucy. He tells me that the police had interviewed her again about her initial allegations but that bringing it all back up must have affected her badly.
Hearing about what Lucy’s been through in the past few years is difficult. She really has had it a lot harder than me. I want to tell Jack that hearing things like this is probably the last thing I need right now, but he’s done so much for me and sounds like he needs someone to speak to. Someone who understands.
‘Can you come and help look for her?’
I don’t respond but Jack can hear my tears.
‘What’s wrong?’
I want to tell him but I can’t speak. I feel ashamed that I’m not capable of dealing with all this. I should be stronger than this. I’ve had to cope with far worse things in my life. I think about hanging the phone up on Jack when I hear him say:
