Cosmo goes to cork the vial, but I touch his hands. “You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t,” I plead.
“I did. I’m here because of you.”
The look in his eyes steals my breath away. He has major feelings for me. He shouldn't, though. Doesn't he realize how messed up I am? How fucked up in the head I am? Zoth did a number on me. He would make a show of having me, of possessing me. He would make out with me in front of Rosemary, pull shit like that to make everyone weirded out, and I went along with it. I thought he loved me, so what was wrong with a little bit of affection in public? But now I realize he was staking a claim on me, that he was treating me like an object.
Zoth never cared for me. If he did, he would've wanted me to learn everything I could with Illumination. But no. Either he didn't know who I was and was afraid I'd realize he wasn't the one for me, or else he knew me well enough to know that I would one day be strong enough to see him for what he was and kick his sorry ass to the curb.
If only I realized that eons ago.
“Cosmo, I’m all fucked up.”
“Clearly,” he says lightly. “You just cut your arm. You self-harmed.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” I protest.
“You wanted to hurt yourself. That’s not much better.”
“So you see? I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone.”
“That won’t always be the case,” he says.
I laugh lightly. "So, you admit that I'm no good."
“You’re in prison for a reason,” he reminds me.
“For a crime I didn’t commit.”
“You could’ve been in here all along beside Spring.”
“Yes, yes.” I heave a sigh. “I’m not saying I don’t belong here. I didn’t kill the professor.”
“You were there.”
“Yes.”
“That makes you guilty.”
I lift my eyebrows. “You’re far too logical when you’re sober. Is there any fae nectar in this joint?”
“I’m not drinking with you ever again.”
“Why?” I ask, wanting to touch him but refraining.
“You know what tends to happen when we drink together.”
“So you don’t want me anymore.” I nod slowly. “Noted. That’s just as well anyhow. I’m not the fairy you think I am,” I inform him.
“I understand you more than you think.”
I eye him curiously. Is that so? I don’t know about that, but a part of me wants to believe him, wants to think I’m not alone in all of this.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he’ll help me to escape, but I can’t. No. If anything, I want him to leave Dark Fae Penitentiary and never look back. He shouldn’t be here. He deserves so much more than this dark, miserable place.
But then he takes my hand and squeezes it, and it feels as if he squeezes my heart too. Those walls I put up after banishing Zoth away are starting to crumble already, but I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to fall victim to being merely a man’s plaything. No, if I’m going to engage in another relationship, it’s going to be as equals.
Or else I won’t be in a relationship at all.
16
Cosmo clears his throat. “You should go back to your cell. I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to eat much.”
"My fault. You don't need to apologize." I shake my head. "Dude, seriously, if anyone should apologize, it's me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you came here for me, and I'm sorry you think I’m an important enough person that you would risk your entire life for me. You deserve someone who will treasure you, someone who will challenge you, someone who can keep up with your sexual wants and desires.”
He just chuckles. "I might need three women, one for each task."
“You would want to have your cake and pies and cookies,” I murmur.
“I don’t want three women.”
“You don’t even want a threesome?”
“Had one once,” he says. “They ended up just fucking each other, and at first I loved it. What guy doesn’t want to watch two girls go at it? But they ignored me entirely, even when I tried to join in. They got married a few months later.”
“Oh, wow. You got rejected.”
“You can say that again.”
“Your poor, bruised ego.”
“It’s all right. I just realized I’m a one-woman man.”
“I might not be,” I mumble.
“You aren’t a one-woman man?” He gasps as if horrified by the realization.
“Either I’m not going to be with anyone,” I inform him, “or I might end up with more than one.”
“You would have to find guys willing to share because I don’t think you swing for the other team.”
“I don’t.”
Cosmo just shakes his head. “You’re un-fucking-real, you know that?”
“I do.” I shrug. “Just ignore me. I’m not in my right frame of mind, remember?”
He says nothing.
“I just got out of a really messed up relationship. I shouldn’t even think about being with one person, let alone more than one, but I… I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“I think I know what you’re going through,” he murmurs.
“Go ahead and lay it on me.”
“One, you feel cut off because of your magic.”
“Yep.”
“Two, you feel cut off because of dumping that asshole finally.”
“Yeah.”
“Three, you always had Rosemary around. Even if you didn’t spend a ton of time with her, you still had your twin nearby if you ever needed her.”
“Yes,” I say slowly, feeling as if he’s carving my heart out of my chest.
“So all of that together makes me very unsurprised that you think having multiple guys would make you feel better. You want to have people in your corner.”
“Maybe I should just be alone,” I mumble.
“Nah. Nature wouldn’t have made you so hot if you weren’t supposed to be with people. Nature can be cruel but not that cruel.”
“Hot people belong together.”
“A very wise person told you that once,” Cosmo says, nodding slowly.
“Very wise and very hot, although his words were very slurred at the time.”
“You were slurring then too,” he says. “You didn’t slur your moans, though.”
“Can you slur a moan?”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t mind drinking to find out.”
“No.” I hesitate. “I just don’t like that crap they serve us to drink.”
"You'll have more of it soon," he says. "For now, you need to go back to your room. I'll have to file an incident report. It was too public."
“You do what you have to do, but what you should do is quit. Now that I’m gone, everything should be very, very light at Light Fae Academy. Besides, you can keep an eye on Rosemary for me.”
“You aren’t getting rid of me. Besides, Rosemary has Damon.”
“He’s going to corrupt her.”
“I think he already has, but it’s not the same level of corruption as Zoth.”
“Oh, I know. Damon’s only a half-demon. I’m glad they’re together. He’s a much better match for her than that Sage guy. What an ass. I still can’t believe he gave her shit for not being me.”
Rosemary, in a crisis of identity, emulated me to get Sage to pay her attention. She never did tell him her name, and he called her a nickname until they slept together. Afterward, he told her that he really liked her and called her Bay.
It took Rosemary longer than I thought to pick between Damon and Sage than it should've, but I think Rosemary's always been unwilling to accept that she's not as light as everyone thinks she is. Everyone thinks of her as the light one and me as the dark one, and I'm definitely darker than Rosemary, but she has some darkness in her too. As for me, I need more light in me to balance me out.
Or maybe I just need to accept the level of darkness I have, own it, an
d be done with it.
“Rosemary’s fine, and you’re going to be fine too. If anyone can handle this place, it’s you, Bay.”
"Your confidence is so sweet, Cosmo. I'd rather you shamelessly flirt with me instead."
“Why? Why can’t I help to build you up?”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve done things that no one knows about, things that would’ve landed me in here if they were ever discovered. I want out of here, so I won’t tell you, but…”
“You will get out one day. You’ll be back to living large soon enough. Come on.”
He guides me back to my cell, and for a few hours, Spring makes a few digs at me that aren’t all that bad, actually. If we were friends, I wouldn’t have minded at all, but we aren’t. Never again.
When dinner rolls around, I'm allowed out, but I notice that guards are keeping a close watch over me. Great. So not what I need. The infirmary hadn't had any vents, and all of the windows in every room is covered by bars. They aren't making it easy for a fairy to escape. Not at all.
Violet looks a bit pissed as I sit next to her.
“Sorry about earlier,” I tell her and Rosa. “Where’s Pyra?”
“She set a fire,” Rosa says. “She’s in solitary.”
“Because of you,” Violet snaps. “You had to pull that shit in front of her. She’s a pyromaniac, and you gave her an idea on how to light a spark.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just dealing with some shit.”
“We all are,” Rosa says, glaring at Violet.
Violet shrugs. “Yeah, yeah. I never did tell you how to help with Illumination. You still want that?”
“Yes.”
“Look into your heart. Not your mind. Shut your mind down, go to your emotions but then go deeper. That’s where you’ll find your essence.”
“Are you sure? Professor Luna never said anything about looking into your heart.”
“Your soul isn’t with your head. Illumination comes from the soul. Knowing yourself is important, so yes, your mind is involved, but it’s your soul you want most of all.”
“That makes sense. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Don’t look now. Spring’s watching us,” Rosa announces.
“What do you think her deal is?” I ask Rosa since she has an opinion on everything.
“Honestly?” Rosa starts, but Violet cuts her off.
“Major withdrawal from long-term fairy dust usage,” Violet says. “It messed with her mind, touched her soul. She’s dark, seriously dark. There’s no coming back from that.”
“She’s batshit crazy,” Rosa declares. “The drugs just let her unleash that part of her.”
“So there’s no hope for her,” I murmur.
“Of course not.” Violet wrinkles her nose. “The kind of fairies like Spring, they’ll never be allowed to leave. She’ll die in here.”
I shiver. “Do a lot of fairies die in here?”
“They aren’t exactly busting down the gates to let us out,” Rosa admits. “It’s been almost a year since a fairy had last been released.”
“Oh, wow,” I murmur.
"Yeah, most of us are here for at least a decade, if not longer before they'll even consider it. I mean, we live long lives, so a decade isn't as terrible for us as it is a human, but until they actually let us out… That's another story altogether." Rosa shrugs and gulps down her drink.
I ignore mine and scowl. The food isn’t that bad, so long as I don’t look at it.
“Think about it,” Violet says, her lavender hair falling forward as she leans toward me. “Most everyone here is because of seriously violent crimes. They aren’t going to be eager to let us out because of that. We’ve earned our place here. You did too.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“No one in here is light,” Rosa announces.
“Not even the guards?” I ask.
“Definitely not the guards,” Violet says. “You have to be a special kind of dark to be here willingly.”
I nod and bite my lower lip. Cosmo really doesn’t belong here. He’s a tough guy, a flirt, a good guy, a great fairy. He’s not dark.
What if this place changes him?
It’s already changing me.
17
To say I’m in a foul mood is an understatement. I want nothing to do with anyone, and I’m certainly not in the right frame of mind to try to look inward and see my soul or any of that shit. My tolerance for any bull shit is so low right now that I’m liable to beat the shit out of anyone who looks at me wrong.
For their part, Rosa and Violet leave me to my sullen silence, and Spring doesn’t come my way. I have a feeling, though, that after the meal, we might come to blows if she doesn’t keep her big mouth shut.
Before the bell rings, I dump my trash in the can, along with the drink that I didn’t take more than a swallow of. Someone moves behind me, and I jerk when I realize it’s Trevan.
Great. Is he spying on me? Going to yell at me for not drinking it all?
“I don’t have a weapon on me, no broken spoon. They gave me a paper fork for my meal. It disintegrated into my food, by the way, so that was gross.”
“I’m not here to babysit you,” he murmurs.
I glance around. Where’s Spring? I don’t see her, and suddenly, I’m anxious.
"Then, why are you here?" I ask coolly. "You and Spring seem buddy-buddy, and that's not exactly going to paint you in a favorable light in my eyes."
“I don’t give a damn about your eyes, but if you value yours…”
I tilt my head to the side and try to force back my aggression. It's not his fault my life is falling apart. That guilty party is none other than myself. I need to buck up, quit feeling sorry for myself, put on my big fairy panties, and do something about it.
Even if that doing something is just serving out my time here.
“I’m here to give you a warning,” Trevan says.
“About Spring?”
“She hit me up for a weapon.”
I whistle low. “Then you two are close if she thinks she can trust you enough to ask for one.”
“You might be a target for her. She has a little hostility, that one.”
I nod slowly. “I know the feeling,” I mumble.
“Spring and I aren’t close, by the wing,” he says offhandedly. “She’s desperate, that’s what she is. She must really hate you.”
“You don’t need to worry,” I tell Trevan, gazing up at his unnerving but mesmerizing eyes. “I have this under control.”
“Yeah, you weren’t the only one to think that about her.”
“Weren’t?” I tilt my head to the side.
“Just watch your back. And your front. And your sides.” He takes a step backward.
A realization dawns on me. “There’s a reason why she didn’t have a roommate before I came along,” I blurt out, “isn’t there?”
“You still sure you have everything under control?” he asks with a lopsided smirk.
“I do,” I assure him. “I can handle Spring.”
“You act like Spring and I have a history. We don’t, but you two…”
“Yes, there’s bad blood.” I eye him. There’s not much time left for the meal, but what the hell. He’s willing to listen, so I’ll talk. “She mentioned fairy dust to me. She seemed to want it, maybe even need it. I supplied it to her and a few others on campus.”
"You have a lot of gall to sell fairy dust at Light Fae Academy."
I shrug one shoulder. “I’ve been known to do what I want.”
“I’m sure, but here, that won’t fly.”
“Here, I don’t fly.”
“Have you tried?”
I shake my head. “I’ve only seen the guards fly, not one of the prisoners.”
“You can’t,” he murmurs. “It’s part of being separated from nature.” He grimaces.
“Don’t look at me like that. Unless you
’ve experienced it—”
“I have.” I lift my eyebrows and blink a few times. “I can definitely picture you as a bad boy fairy, but you mean to tell me you were a prisoner, and now they let you be a guard?”
“You can be a bad boy without getting locked up,” he says with a chuckle, “and yes, I did some very questionable, dark things in my time, very naughty.”
The way he says naughty has me biting my lower lip. He looks delicious with those eyes, that build, his wavy dark hair, but it almost feels wrong to think about him like this after everything Cosmo’s done for me.
But Cosmo might not want to be with me. He might be one of those who likes lost causes.
Then again, Cosmo knows I might want more than one, so if he’s willing…
I tilt my head to the side. “If you weren’t a prisoner, how do you know?”
“As a part of our training, for twenty-four hours, we have to experience the side effects of having our magic severed.”
“How can it be reversed?” I ask eagerly.
“As if I’m going to share that.” He touches my chin. “You aren’t the first pretty fairy to try to get that answer out of me.”
I pout. “Yeah, well, fine. Keep your secret. I don’t want to know anyhow.”
“Sure you don’t.” He eyes me. “It’s why you pulled that stunt.”
“Possibly.”
“You haven’t met the warden, have you?”
“No. Why?”
“He won’t like hearing about what you did.”
"Then, don't tell him."
“He’ll be told. He knows everything that transpires here.”
“I take it I’ll have to meet him eventually.”
“Yes. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not that you haven’t seen him yet.”
“Either way, I’ll live. I’ll survive. I’m a fighter.”
“You might be in for a fight.”
The way he says that, the way he’s eyeing me…
He’s mourning me already. What the fuck? He thinks Spring is going to off me.
I don’t need pity, and I don’t need doubters.
Dark Fae Penitentiary: First Transgression Page 8
