She uploaded some more photos of the lake, Sam and Julian wakeboarding. Shirtless. She typed:
Our guides, Sam Hawker and Julian Martinez, out on my lake.
Because she’d recently followed all the guides’ profiles since Wildfire Ridge needed all the friends it could get, she noticed that Sam’s and Julian’s names were tagged. She went to their Facebook pages. Sam’s was inactive, no surprise, with a photo of a Harley as his profile picture. No status updates, the last photo four years ago, one of a group of friends out on the town. Sam looked happy and carefree, smiling around a cigar as though he was celebrating a special occasion, surrounded by his buddies. He’d also been tagged in that photo, which had come from a profile page of someone by the name of Tim Fischer.
Unable to stop her snooping, she checked his friends list and found a Janet Hawker, with salt-and-pepper hair and familiar blue eyes. She was a professor of Mathematics at Berkeley. He hadn’t mentioned that.
The irony wasn’t lost on Jill. Both she and Sam came from a family of academics. Maybe they’d both disappointed parents who expected something different out of their children than what they’d received.
Jill understood why his parents had been disappointed in his choice, considering they’d probably given him every opportunity and surrounded him with affluence. They’d likely expected a lot more out of him. University. Graduate school. Maybe even a PhD program. She couldn’t imagine Sam behind a desk. He seemed happiest to her on his Harley, hiking, or on a board.
Going back to the Wildfire Ridge page and deciding she’d snooped enough, Jill went back to add more details to the grand opening, making sure the time, date and location were front and center.
See you there!
She added a photo of Sam smiling on the first day he’d climbed the rock.
One week. She couldn’t wait.
* * *
Sam was beginning to feel a whole lot better about the social thing. Slowly, he’d started to feel human again and not just around Jill. The past couple of nights, he’d sat around the fire pit with the guys. Taking it easy, a foreign concept to him. Not just listening, but talking here and there. Contributing. They talked about the Silver Saddle. Julian talked about Zoey, whom he was going to take out on a date. They all discussed what a great boss Jill had turned out to be, even if they’d had their doubts in the beginning. All discussed their plans for the foreseeable future. Ty and Julian were going to stick around and stay guides for as long as Jill wanted them. Michael was less sure, since he had an old girlfriend in Los Angeles he wanted to look up.
As for Sam, he had decided he should probably hand in his notice and look for another job in the area. Jill had given him more than a few reasons. She didn’t want their connection to end and neither did Sam. While he still didn’t think he was at the point where he could be one half of a fully committed partnership, he wanted that with her. He had accepted that if she thought he was good enough for her, he wasn’t going to object anymore.
And he was proud of the way he’d handled Hunter’s questions about the US Marine Corps. Sam was finally able to separate the expectations from the painful realities and still share some hard-won truths. In the end, he’d never call what they’d all been through together a waste. Having been a Marine and part of a tribe of men he still regarded as brothers remained the single most significant experience of his life. It would never leave him. There was both pain and joy in that reality. No easy answers.
Thing is, he thought maybe he’d finally moved on. Reminders of that old life were in his rearview mirror. The rest of his life stretched out in front of him and now he saw real possibilities. Someday maybe marriage, and hell, even fatherhood. He couldn’t help but think that Tim and Dave would be proud.
Wow, what a sap he’d become.
On opening day, he thoroughly enjoyed taking in the sight of the tall redhead who had made him a first-rate sap in no time. Or it might seem that way to most, but considering she’d unknowingly spent an entire year in a medical rehabilitation center with him, if only in his dreams, maybe not.
“Are we ready for this?” She smiled at her staff.
That would be a hell, yeah. He and every man here would be willing to die for her if she simply asked. She wouldn’t.
The fanfare started off with a ribbon cutting ceremony that included the town mayor, several city council members and of course the Sheriff in attendance. There were several excursions scheduled for the day. Hiking, rock climbing, zip-lining and wakeboarding.
Hunter had come with a few of his friends and the kid was no slouch on the rock climbing wall. He’d make a fine Marine if that was the way he chose to go. It would be his decision, and he’d have to own it. If nothing else, Sam had made that abundantly clear.
Make your own decisions. Live with them. Don’t blame anyone else. Never look back.
He was a work in progress.
Sam had just finished checking on a group headed on a five-mile hike and went back toward his trailer after depositing them with Michael, when he saw a familiar-looking woman standing off to the side. She looked extremely out of place, like someone had plucked her out of her life and set her down in this one. All wrong.
His mother.
She walked up to him, staring in disbelief at the boot on his leg. “Are you hurt again?”
Christ, the last thing he needed. A flesh and blood reminder of the life he’d left behind just when he’d finally moved on. He couldn’t speak for several minutes, noticing how much older she looked. Her brown hair was salt-and-pepper gray, the lines around her eyes and the deep worry groove between her brows more pronounced. For years, it made her look constantly angry. With him. With the world.
“Hairline fracture. No big deal.”
“Other than the crutches, you look amazing. One would never know you spent a year unable to walk at all.” She took a step closer.
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why are you here?”
“I didn’t think we’d come, and your father...well, he’s having a tough time dealing with the idea.”
“The idea of my working here?”
“No. The idea that you’re home and you didn’t tell us.”
He scowled. “How is Dad?”
“He’s healthy, if that’s what you mean. Takes blood pressure medication, but then so do I. We’re getting old.”
He’d noticed. The knowledge of how much time they’d been apart sliced through him. Both guilt and resentment hit him at once, like two kicks to the gut. It was his fault. He should have come home on leave to see them again. Should have been more forgiving and all that crap. Instead, he was a stubborn mule of a Marine who didn’t want to admit he’d been wrong. Not to them. He hadn’t been invincible. Hadn’t been untouchable. Hadn’t been enough of anything.
“You shouldn’t have come.”
“Sam, you have to understand. We didn’t want you to get hurt. Our biggest fear for you was exactly what happened.”
“That sounds a lot like ‘I told you so.’”
“No. That’s...that’s not what I meant.” She shook her head, but he got it.
Because she was right and he hated that.
This is where he got to tell her that she was the one who had been right, not him, but the words wouldn’t form. Maybe his jaw was too tight. His parents had only wanted to protect him from his somewhat-idealized version of war. Because though they hadn’t experienced it themselves, they were well-read professors who understood history far better than he did at the time. And history did tend to repeat itself. At the time, he couldn’t imagine what two professors could possibly know about the military.
And he’d wanted to make his own way. Find his own path.
True, there was much they’d been clueless about. But if he’d listened to even half of what they tried to tell him, maybe he’d have at least been bette
r prepared. Eyes wide-open. In the end, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. No one would have stopped him and no one should have tried. He’d found his tribe, and he’d never regret the time he spent with his brothers both dead and alive. It hadn’t been a waste because in the end he hadn’t fought for the overall mission, but for the man standing beside him.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” Sam ground out. “Working.”
She stepped away. “I won’t bother you anymore.”
He wondered if she realized he could have gone anywhere in the United States. But he’d come back home. He hadn’t overanalyzed that bit. There was usually plenty of work in California and it made sense to land here. But maybe he’d come back to punish himself. With reminders all around him of who he’d been when he left and who he was now. Not the same man. That much was certain.
He watched her go, a rush of emotions hitting him at once. Regret. Pain. He’d lost too much in his life. It seemed he’d never get to keep something, or someone.
Chapter Nineteen
Something was wrong. It was clear in every strained angle of Sam’s tight jawline. But Jill couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. The day had progressed exactly as planned. No accidents. No clients regretting their choice of activity and backing out at the last minute. Most were a bunch of athletes looking for their next fix. There were a few older teens like Hunter, who’d come with a group of friends. Everyone seemed happy and satisfied with the experience.
But Sam kept avoiding Jill, and when they ran into each other he wouldn’t look at her.
At the end of a successful opening day, Jill gathered the troops and offered to pay for dinner. Pizza on her tab.
“I’m good.” Sam excused himself and retired to his trailer.
“Extra large with pepperoni and sausage,” Julian said. “And whatever these two bozos want.”
“Good one!” Ty said, and both he and Michael grabbed Julian in a headlock.
Sighing that boys would be boys, Jill let them wrestle each other to the ground while she ordered two extra-large pizzas and threw glances in the direction of Sam’s trailer.
Once the pizzas had been delivered and Jill paid for them, she took a slice and made small talk with the men. She hadn’t paid any one of them even half the attention she had Sam.
Michael brought a few beers out from his trailer to share. “Should we shower our fearless leader in cold beer, or does someone have a Gatorade?”
“In your dreams, guys. In your dreams.”
She stayed for a while longer, but couldn’t stop thinking about Sam in his trailer alone. Would it be too obvious if she joined him now? Just to check on him? Surely the guys would understand. Maybe something about today had brought back an old memory that he would now be trying to shake off.
When the men were deeply immersed in a conversation on whether the Giants had the best pitcher in the league this year or if the guy was a chump, Jill casually excused herself. She rapped on Sam’s trailer door but let herself in without waiting for him to open it.
She found him leaning against the kitchen counter, nursing a beer, staring in the direction of his door.
“Come on in,” he said through hooded eyes.
She supposed that was a dig on the fact that she hadn’t waited for an invitation. “What’s wrong?”
He took one last gulp of his beer and set the bottle down. “Nothing.”
Lie number one. He had the same off-putting dangerous look of the first night she met him. Everything in him shouted “stay away” and she was transported back to that night. A night when she’d had the courage of someone who had nothing invested. Nothing to lose. Amazing how easy it had been for her to make a move with little on the line. Now she had everything to risk and her fear was in this room with them, large and stifling enough to make it hard to breathe.
“Sam, come on.”
“What.”
His tone was clipped. Annoyed.
“Something happened today. What was it?”
He’d made such progress that he was almost a different man from the one she’d first met. Lighter. But now he was right back to square one and she had no idea why.
“I came to my senses, that’s what happened. This thing between us is not working. I’m moving on.”
She could feel the anger and hostility dripping off him. The intensity of his heat, not a good one this time, had her hand shaking and lowering to her side. She’d never imagined it would end this way when they’d gotten past all the baggage Sam carried with him.
But she got that maybe this was something Sam would never get past.
“Moving on?”
“Leaving Fortune. I thought I could do this, thought I could stay and be with you but I can’t.”
“Why?” She took a deep and quivering breath. “I need you, Sam.”
“You only think you do.”
“What happened?”
“I saw a flesh and blood reminder of who I used to be. You would have really liked that guy. He believed in the cause. He was patriotic. Invincible. He didn’t think he could ever lose. He would have died for his country and for his friends. Instead, they died for him. Is that what you want to hear?”
There was so much raw pain in his voice that it shot straight through her and she shook at the wall of suffering radiating from him. She could sense every ounce of agony pouring through him and wondered how she could have missed it before.
Survivor’s guilt.
Also known as the wound that never healed. The battle that never ended.
He turned his back to her.
“I didn’t...kn-know.” Her voice trembled and she could only hear the pounding of her heartbeat.
“Didn’t want you to know. Some things should never be discussed.”
“No, Sam.” She bit back tears and spoke past the stone in her throat. “They do need to be discussed. It isn’t anyone’s fault and it might help to talk about it.”
“No,” he ground out between clenched teeth.
“Not to me. You need help.”
“And I remember telling you I don’t need your help.”
“You went through a rough time and you lived through it, which isn’t anything to be ashamed about. It’s a second chance.”
He turned but wouldn’t meet her eyes. “You’ll have my resignation by tomorrow.”
“You’re leaving? Just like that?”
“I’ll stay until you find someone else to take my place. I’m sure there are plenty of men from Home at Last who need a job. Last I heard there was a waiting list for this place.”
What about us, she wanted to ask, because now they could really be together. But she understood the truth in his clipped words. The love she had discovered, that deep connection with him that went beyond the physical, wasn’t reciprocated. Either that, or Sam was no longer capable of connecting with anyone on any level. He was too damaged. Too filled with guilt and remorse that he refused to let go.
“But I don’t want you to go.”
“Look, babe, our one-night stand is now about a month too long. We should have called it a day after the second time. Maybe we pushed our luck.”
The fresh and solid pain he’d meant to bring didn’t fail to hit her like a punch to the throat.
“Sure,” she said, using every bit of the courage he’d shown her that she had. “Maybe we did.”
“No hard feelings.”
“Not at all.” She tossed her hair and blinked the tears back. “I had fun.”
Then she turned and opened the door to his trailer. Shut it without a second look back. The guys had retired to their trailers, or were hiding somewhere. Maybe they’d heard. Maybe they knew she’d made a fool out of herself by falling for one of her guides.
What a joke she was. Hoping for love and looking for it in a man who would neve
r be available to her. Which meant as far as she’d come, she still hadn’t learned a damned thing.
Pushing back tears with the pads of her fingers, she hopped in her truck and drove down the hill on her way home.
* * *
When Sam heard the sound of a knock on his door a few minutes later, he braced for impact, hoping it wasn’t Jill. Because if she walked through that door again without waiting for an invitation, he would not only ravage her but tell her that he wasn’t going to ever be able to let her go. Her parting words to him had been said in a trembling voice, and her eyes told him one story, while her gentle words let him go. The courage she displayed in the simple letting go shocked him to the core. No sobbing. No angry recriminations.
She thought this was what he wanted. What he needed. And she was willing to give it to him. She was amazing. Beautiful and courageous and a hell of a warrior even if she didn’t know that. It didn’t hurt that she’d nailed it. Yes, he needed help. Help he hadn’t received by blaming or driving himself physically to the point of exhaustion.
Christ, he was so tired.
When Sam opened the door, it was Julian on the other side. “Hey.”
“What’s up?” He put some edge in his tone, hoping Julian would walk away without prying.
But no such luck. Julian shoved past Sam. “Sorry about Jill.”
“What? You heard?” He didn’t think either of them had been loud.
“I wasn’t 100 percent sure until just now.” He grinned. “But yeah, we didn’t miss that she came in here and then took off like demons had chased her away.”
No demons. Just him, and that was bad enough. As he feared he would, he’d hurt her. But he hadn’t ruined her. She was strong and would recover from this.
He wasn’t certain he ever would, but that wasn’t the point.
Now he’d risked her reputation, too. He shoved a hand down his face. “We were that obvious. How long have you known?”
“Dude, since day one. We just weren’t going to say anything. Your secret is safe with us.”
More than One Night Page 17
