Theo stood stock still and he turned his head towards me in infinitesimally small moves. The hairs on the back of my neck rose because his movements and the look on his face chilled me to the bone. I had never seen my husband look like the vampire predator he was before. He’d always been the gentleman vampire, polite at every turn. I wondered what I’d done. As I turned to look at Charlie, I saw she'd stilled and was no longer finding the situation amusing. She looked at me, eyes wide.
Theo made a hissing sound that made me and Charlie scream and dive under the covers at the same time. I don’t know what we thought the bedcovers were going to offer in terms of protection, but that’s what instinct made us do. Theo had taken me so much by surprise that it was like my powers had frozen. Anyway, how could I hurt the one I loved when I had caused this situation in the first place?
I peeked my head out from under the covers. He was standing at the end of the bed, his fangs bared. “Theo, darling. I’m so sorry. We thought it would be funny with you having a hangover. I realise now it was ill judged. I can promise you that Charlie is not even having sex, never mind pregnant. Look, she’s here at the side of me. Charlie, lift up your T-shirt and show your dad there is no bump.”
Theo began to move towards us with the same agonisingly slow, predatory movements. We backed up against the headboard. What was I going to do? I needed to get my husband back fast. He flew above us so that he hovered just inches above where we laid. His body faced down and his face took on the most evil grimace I had ever seen. Then his face relaxed, and he burst out laughing.
“Joking!”
“Excuse my language, Charlie, but, Theo, you utter fucking bastard. I almost crapped my pants. I genuinely thought I'd turned you into an evil vampire and was just debating whether if it came to the crunch I could kill you in order to save myself and our daughter. It’s a good job you didn't take this much further, or we might have found out the answer and you could be a pile of dust right now.”
But I’m not sure he heard me, for he had dropped to the floor at the side of the bed where he currently lay in a heap of giggles while he clutched his stomach. I turned to Charlie, “Well, I think we can safely say your dad’s hangover has worn off and that our wind-up went spectacularly wrong. I think we’ll just concentrate on saving Withernsea from war.”
Theo stopped laughing, sat up, and stared in our direction, his expression turning serious. “Let this be a lesson to you. That while you both have supernatural powers, you are dealing with other species of paranormal beings and some are more evil than you could ever imagine. Don’t underestimate anybody, either supernatural or human.”
Huh. Not only had we not had any fun, we had also had our arses handed back to us by Theo. I didn’t know about my daughter, but I knew I now felt rather stupid and completely ill-prepared for a future war.
“I think this weekend, Charlie, it might be worth you getting in touch with Frankie and having some lessons in all of the supernatural species, learning their strengths and weaknesses. Because while we think the war might be centred around the current situation with the cupids, as your father says, right now we can’t underestimate anybody. Because what if we are wrong? So talk to Ebony, contact Rebecca, and go to see Frankie. Then if you have spare time by all means go to see Kai. But right now your priorities have to be with training yourself so you are the most badass Queen Withernsea has ever seen, armed with as much information as you can be. I think you also need to arrange sessions with the leaders of each species to learn their combat. I’m sure Alyssa will help you with Were skills. You need to do all this as soon as possible, Charlie.”
“Well, Mum, to say we came upstairs to have a laugh at Dad's expense, I appear to have lost my whole sense of humour right now.”
I knew how she felt. We had come to torment a hungover vampire, but we had ended up with the sobering lesson.
Chapter Fifteen
Charlie
Well that hadn’t gone exactly to plan had it? And now my weekend was set to be busier than ever. But there was one thing for sure. If war was coming, and my life was going to be on the line, there was no way I was dying a virgin. So I would contact Ebony, I would get in touch with Rebecca, and I would train and learn about everything supernatural; but, on Sunday evening I would be under the sea seducing a certain merman and nothing was going to stop me.
So without further ado it was time to tackle my immense to-do list starting with calling Ebony. My mobile phone rang, and I took it out of my pocket seeing that it was the lady herself calling. It was really annoying when she did that.
“Hey, Ebony, so I guess you already know what I’m going to phone you about seeing as you’ve rung me first.”
“Yes, I just experienced a vision of you calling; only Henry and I have plans. Therefore, I am calling you first, so that I may return to my husband at my earliest convenience.”
“I’m very sorry that I might want to see whether or not we are at war and that it might interfere with what obviously is you getting down and dirty with your husband.”
“Darling, I’m a seer. I have also had the most unwelcome vision of how your Sunday evening works out, so don’t talk to me about prioritising my love life when you just want to clear the decks so you can get to yours.”
“Oh my god. Seriously, your visions extend to seeing our private lives? That is gross.”
“You get used to it after a while, seeing your friends naked flesh. I only got the vision because it must in some way be connected with something important.”
“But let me guess, you have no idea what that is?” Ebony’s visions were nearly always like this, just pieces and fragments and no real explanation or warning of what they represented.
“Don’t get snippy with me, just because I know what happens on Sunday evening and you don’t,” Ebony said with a hint of superiority, satisfaction, and smugness in her tone.
“Does it all go okay, Ebony?” My nervousness was recognisable by the tremble that appeared in my voice.
“You’ll be fine, darling. Once I began to get the vision, I quickly turned it off, so I don’t actually know everything that happens. I didn’t want it putting me off my own date with my husband.”
God help me. “So, Ebony. The reason I am ringing you, or, well, you have called me-if it wasn’t clear in your vision-is that there have been developments with the war in Withernsea. Apparently, Samara has created a situation with another Cupid rep called Rebecca, to the extent that now Rebecca has sent a threat to Samara via a freshly cooked batch of sausage rolls which spelled-out the threat 'this is war bitch'. Now, this Rebecca is threatening to bring a protest to the doors of Mum's dating agency and to potentially bring down the wrath of Cupid himself. Rebecca is going to the Cupid magazine where she will highlight what she perceives to be the devastation wrought by dating agencies to Cupid Inc. What are your feelings about this? Does it fit with your visions of the war? It all started after a visit to a spa where Rebecca had been in the sauna so the heat aspect is covered.”
There was a pause from the other end. “Though it does fit with the things I said, I don’t feel this is the war. The feelings of heat I get are intense, as if I am burning from the inside out. There’s also an overwhelming sense of evil now when I think about it.”
I didn’t say that she could have done with mentioning that before. “Okay, Ebony. I’ll give this Rebecca a call and arrange to meet her. Then I can find out what she’s about and what her plans are once and for all, and see whether she is inherently evil, or just embarrassed that her hairy vajayjay was on display to all her colleagues at the spa.”
“I find it hard to have sympathy for her. We all know it is important to give our appearance the utmost attention. One can never know when our bodies may end up on display, be that a chance encounter with a gorgeous man; or slipping on a banana skin, while wearing a tutu while having gone commando. By the way, I made the second situation up but it could happen. Can you imagine if that had happened to Sarah Jessica Parker in the beginnin
g of Sex and the City? The ad on the bus would probably have ended up being sponsored by Veet.”
“Actually, come to think of it, there was a similar scene to all this in the second Sex and the City film where Miranda hadn’t shaved.”
“My God someone actually did watch that film after all,” Ebony said. “Did you not see the reviews? There was a reason there was no third film and I’m sure hairy vajayjays were the real reason. No one wants to see that, ever.”
Dear God. I had forgotten what conversations with Ebony about looking your best at all times were like. My mum said she could barely walk past the shop without Ebony dragging her in and doing something like threading her eyebrows before letting her go to the office for the day.
“Right, well thank you, Ebony. I must get going and arrange to see this Rebecca. I will leave you to return to the husband of yours. Have a good evening.”
“Oh, honey, I intend to.” She ended the call.
I thought about what Ebony said and looking at the time I saw it was getting late. I decided it was time to get something to eat, something to drink (probably an O-neg) and then before I did anything else, I was going to get in the shower, shave my legs and underarms, pluck my eyebrows, and apply fake tan. Because whatever I did next, I would do it looking amazing. I did not want to go down in history remembered as being the Hairy Queen of Withernsea.
On Saturday morning, I went downstairs and fixed myself a coffee, then returned to bed and stayed under the duvet for an hour while talking to Kai. He understood that I wouldn’t be able to see him until Sunday evening. Once I’d ended my conversation with Kai, I picked up the piece of paper with Rebecca’s details and phoned the number written there. It rang out a few times before she answered.
“Hello.”
“Hello, is that Rebecca?”
“Yes, my name is Rebecca. Who is this?”
Here went nothing. Once I explained who I was, I fully anticipated Rebecca would hang up.
“My name is Charlie. I'm the daughter of Shelley Landry. Please don’t hang up. I want to talk to you about Samara.”
“If you’re a friend of Samara's, then I doubt I have anything to say to you, or anything that you could say to me. She’s embarrassed me so much I can barely show my face around Hornsea.”
I decided the best way to try to get through to Rebecca was to give her my time and attention and listen to her perceived plight. “Oh I can imagine. Samara has always been a bit foot in mouth. She acts first and then realises what she’s done later. I honestly don’t think she will have meant any malice at that point. However, I wasn’t there and so I don’t feel like I can defend her. The reason I’ve called is that obviously my mum runs Withernsea Dating Agency and she is concerned that there could be trouble from Cupid reps and the public brought to her door because of Samara's behaviour.”
“The thing is, that although Samara is a complete bitch and I do believe she did do it on purpose because she always wants to be the centre of attention, the fact remains that cupiding is becoming more and more difficult due to the increase in dating agencies, both in towns and cities, and online. We have monthly quotas and it gets increasingly impossible to meet our targets when everyone is competing for the same pool of single people. I used to matchmake a lot of supernaturals before your mum's agency opened as there wasn’t really anywhere else for them to go. It was a way that I managed to meet my numbers. Since she opened the supernatural division of her agency it has made my own job harder.”
“I totally get you, babe, but that’s the thing with business, it’s always evolving. How long has Cupid been doing this biz for now? It sounds like maybe Cupid Inc needs an overhaul. Not to audit Samara, but to have a look at its internal structure and see if there’s a way that Cupid Inc can run alongside dating agencies or do something that a dating agency can’t do.”
“Like what?” Rebecca asked.
“Well, just off the top of my head for instance, my mum doesn’t have time to look in great detail about why someone is not successful at dating. She can use her computer systems, but what about the completely undateable? You could spend time with that person one-on-one, look to see if they have any obvious problems or flaws, and work with them to either change, or find a person who loves them warts and all.”
“You might have an idea there, you know? Can you do me a favour? Don’t mention this to Samara. If you tell her, she will take it straight to Cupid himself, make out it’s all her idea, and then it can be Samara the Superstar all over again.”
“She is really nice underneath her brash exterior, you know. It’s just while the outside package is pretty it still manages to hurtle around like a baby elephant. But I won’t say anything. You take this idea to Cupid if you want to and see what he says. Funnily enough, my mum said she might end up offering you a job. Maybe instead you can still work for Cupid Inc alongside my mum's and other dating agencies, finding love for the people the dating agencies can’t find matches for?”
“Well we’ll have to agree to disagree. Because I can’t forgive Samara for what she did. It’s not my fault I’d broken my glasses the day before. Well, it kind of is, because I’d sat on them. It was just unfortunate that when I come out of the sauna my swimsuit had moved to the side just slightly. No one would have noticed if Samara hadn’t drawn their attention to it. It wasn’t like there was a gorilla situation down there. It didn’t look like Tom Selleck’s chest hair. The worst thing was the gossip got back to my team in Hornsea and since then my colleague, Felix, hasn’t been able to look me in the eye. I was sure he was about to ask me out before this. So not only has Samara made me a laughing stock across the regional division, it’s also made me an embarrassment in my own team and potentially cost me a date.”
It sounded to me that all Rebecca had needed was someone to listen to her. “Well, Rebecca, sounds to me like you have the perfect guinea pig to practice on. Because you, according to what you said are currently an undateable. So all you have to do is pretend you are one of your clients, start from there, and bag yourself a date with Felix. So what do you think, Bex? A date, and a chance to impress Cupid himself, leading to a potential new side to the business.” I prayed I’d done enough to settle the situation.
“Charlie, you’ve turned out to be like my guardian angel, or something. Before you rang, I’ll be honest, I was full of rage, and trying to work out how I could get revenge on Samara. With all the stress of trying to reach my targets, alongside my recent humiliation, all I could think about was going to the Cupid Inc magazine and causing a stir in Withernsea on Samara’s turf. But your call has helped me see another way forward, one where I can get some Cupid kudos, a potential romance, a new career, and to get my reputation back on track. Onwards and upwards.”
Wow! This had gone better than I could ever have expected. If this was indeed the war of Withernsea, then I reckoned I’d just prevented it. That would mean I didn’t have to learn approximately 17 different kinds of species fighting and could go to see Kai straightaway.
“So, about Samara. Is it possible that for now you could ignore her? Just until I get the chance to have a chat with her and try to point out to her how what she did was insensitive. I’m sure she will apologise profusely when she realises just how much she has upset you.”
“Yes, sure, that’s fine. To be honest if things with Cupid go well, then I won’t care what Samara is doing anyway. However an apology in future would be appreciated. In the meantime, I’ll ignore her, if she ignores me and leaves me the hell alone.”
“So no more deliveries of threatening sausage rolls, okay?”
“But she didn’t seem too bothered about them anyway, despite the fact I’d been told she hated sausage rolls.”
WTF? “What do you mean, you’d been told she hated sausage rolls?”
“Well, the anonymous email I received about Samara from my secret supporter said so. It said for me to tell my managers at Cupid Inc about her behaviour, to go to the magazine, and to send some sausage r
olls to the grooming salon because she absolutely hated them.”
For a few moments I didn’t say a word in reply because my mind was trying to process the fact that Rebecca had been set up. In fact, we all had. Whoever had sent Rebecca the email had deliberately tried to divert attention away from their own plan. Basically, whoever had sent the email was the person planning on starting the war.
My heart plummeted. I’d still need to train, and now I needed to try to find out who had sent Rebecca the email. We had to be on our guard at all times because the person behind it was playing a clever game with us all.
“Are you still there?” Rebecca asked.
“Yeah, I am. Listen, I might need to ask you a favour in return. I know it's the first time you’ve ever heard from me and I don’t know how much you know about the politics of Withernsea, but I am prophesied to save Withernsea from a great war.”
“Sorry, in Hornsea we don’t tend to hear much about other areas. It’s only the fact that Samara seems to love trying to get attention despite the fact she is the worst Cupid rep in the whole country, that I’ve had anything to do with Withernsea. That sounds really bad, Charlie. What favour is it that you need? I don’t mind as long as I don’t have to go into battle. I've had enough of that lately with Samara.”
“I just need to try to find out who sent you the email. I wonder if there’s any way you could contact your network, anyone really, see if you can find anything out. I know it’s probably like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it’s worth a try because I believe the person who sent this message to you is the one trying to cause trouble in Withernsea. By sending you the email, it led me to believe that the prophesy involved the Cupid reps and now I see this is doubtful.”
“Oh, Charlie, yes. There is no way we would be at the centre, or at the start for that matter of any war. No matter our bickering internally, we are all about love. I will do what I can to find out where the message may have come from and I’ll let you know. Thanks once again for calling me today. You have been an amazing help and I now feel positive about the future. It seems to me that you are a special, amazing person, and I can understand why you were chosen to save Withernsea.”
The Complete Collection: Supernatural Dating Agency Books 1-6 Page 72
