by Skye Jordan
“And when I looked under the car,” the guy standing too close says, entertaining himself with his own story, “I find the coil of his shock absorber stuffed with tennis balls. There were, like, a dozen or more. Can you believe that?”
I refocus and smile, playing along. “Reminds me of the time a guy came into the shop with four flashlights zip-tied to the front bumper in place of a headlight.”
That makes the guy laugh, long and loud. I force myself not to roll my eyes and suck down the punch instead, hoping the buzz will soften the bizarre sense of dissatisfaction I’ve been experiencing lately.
He’s a nice enough guy, good-looking too. Late twenties, man bun, very Chris Hemsworth-ish. Definitely a guy I would have hooked up with back when I was hooking up. And, yeah, hooking up with him would be infinitely easier than actually listening to him tell me stories from his life as a mechanic.
Guys always go dumb when sex is involved. It’s like once the actual act looms in the near future, all their intelligence drains right out their ears. And that works for me, because over the years, I’ve discovered that most men really don’t know what they’re doing in bed. Most aren’t even self-aware enough to know what they want, let alone what their partner wants.
So I learned how to get what I need and just go after it myself. I’ve had a handful of better-than-average partners, and those experiences live like jewels in my mind. I can’t seem to stop wondering what kind of lover Ben would be, but I’m guessing he’d be better than average. Judging by his sensitivity to his daughters and his compassionate patient care, I think he’d be giving, which, in my opinion, is one of the most important characteristics of any good lover. I’m guessing Ben would be one of those sparkling gems in my memory. But more and more, it’s looking like I may never know.
It’s a bittersweet revelation. I admire his commitment to his girls, but I’m disappointed with the restrictions that places on what develops between us.
In truth, the only reason I relented and came tonight was in hopes of seeing him. At the marina today, Violet mentioned she would be coming tonight. But it’s after seven, and Ben hasn’t shown, which means he probably won’t. The girls go to bed soon.
I scan the space, searching out Chloe and Laiyla. Chloe is flirting with her hot cop, Xavier Wilde, who’s not in uniform for once. I confess, I love the look of a man in uniform—what red-blooded American women doesn’t?—but it turns out he’s just as sexy in jeans and a button-down. The two have been dancing around each other since she first showed up in town, but I’m not sure they’ll ever get together. Chloe keeps turning down his offers—everything from wine tasting to just plain sex. When he finally figured out he wasn’t going to get any from Chloe, he started dating around town, and he’s never short on willing women. Unfortunately, that only hurts his chances with Chloe.
“Let’s see,” the mechanic says to me, “I’ve seen a muffler held on by a belt, a Doritos bag used as a brake light, a lawn chair used as a driver’s seat, duct tape used as a drink holder, corrugated tin used as a side panel, and, I kid you not, a skateboard used in place of a tire.”
I laugh at the appropriate cues, nod, and make sounds of interest, drink more alcohol.
Laiyla is standing with Levi in a group of small-business owners—Terri from the candy store, Charlie, a concrete guy, Shelly, a hairstylist, and a few others I don’t know.
Levi’s got his arm around her, and she’s leaning into him, her fingers threaded with his where they hang over her shoulder. God, they are so cute together, it’s hard on the eyes. Harder on the heart.
I’ve become a little obsessed with their relationship, trying to understand it. She’s wholeheartedly, happily committed to staying in this small town with him. There’s nothing wrong with this place—many call it heaven on earth—but after Laiyla’s experienced all the world has to offer in other exotic places, I can’t get my mind around the fact that she’s staying put for a guy.
Then again, I’ve never been in love. Honestly, I can’t ever see myself falling in love. The concept feels as appealing as sand in my mouth.
I try to refocus. Try to push this young, sexy, willing guy talking to me into a little fantasy in my head. Imagine how I’d put up with his talking until I got him alone, then made him forget every word in his vocabulary. Only, in my mind, once I get his shirt open, I look up and see Ben’s face, not the guy standing in front of me now. It’s Ben who lowers his head and kisses me. Ben who slides his tongue against mine. Ben’s hands on my body. Ben filling me.
I’m way the hell too far down that road before I realize it. Backtracking is painful. I force my mind off sex, glancing around the crowded room at all the happy faces, all the couples. I have the strangest feeling of having my face pressed up against the window of a life I don’t understand, yet oddly crave. A life that would kill the dreams I’ve had since I was a kid, and I’ve got my dad’s Never settle, cupcake rattling around in my brain. Which drags me right back to Ben.
But then, it seems like all my thoughts eventually lead me back to Ben. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. The guy talking mechanics laughs at something he’s said, and I join in, praying he’ll just keep talking so I don’t have to actually engage.
I wonder if Jana was Ben’s one true love. Maybe he isn’t following through with me because he can’t face being with another woman. My father’s death was awful and heart wrenching. Even ten years later, I get misty-eyed when I think about him, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose the love of your life, the mother of your children. Yet, Ben handles the subject of her death with a kind of grace that’s hard to explain. Reverence, yet acceptance. And he’s managed to get a real handle on his life, his girls, his career. But maybe sex with another woman just isn’t something he can deal with yet.
I’ve always been the most together person I’ve ever known. I’ve worked hard to keep my finances secure, my heart intact, my memories good, my experiences valuable. But Ben’s got me beat by eons. I’m so damned impressed with him, he’s really knocked me on my ass. Who knew his triumphs over his hardships could be such a turn-on?
A couple of the mechanic’s friends come over, and I greet them easily, fall into conversation, effortlessly talking about nothing. I guess that’s a talent you develop when you’ve lived a third of your life with strangers.
They’re also both young and attractive, yet neither light me up any more than the mechanic.
Since Layla and Levi got engaged, my world has really tilted on its axis. Dinner with Ben and being part of that sweet family unit for even just a few hours didn’t help matters.
I’m so fucked here—at this party, in this town. Hell, in my own head. Nothing seems to fit quite right anymore. I feel like a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole. But returning to work on the cruise line doesn’t feel like any better an idea.
I return to the moment feeling empty. The phenomenon of loneliness has always puzzled me. How could I be in the middle of a crowd, my two best friends within sight, yet still feel lonely?
Neither Laiyla nor Chloe looks ready to leave and there’s no such thing as Uber or taxis in this place. I’m sure Levi would take them home. I wouldn’t even mind leaving and coming back to pick them up, but I know if I mention it, they’ll both cut their evening short and go home with me, and I already feel like enough of a wet blanket as it is.
I knew I should have driven my own truck here.
Fuck it, I’m going to walk back. It’s not that far.
I tune in to the conversation, alert for a moment to break in and excuse myself. A touch against my arm coincides with all the men’s gazes lowering. I follow their line of sight and find Violet grinning up at me.
I lied. I can imagine falling in love. But not with a man. Violet’s in a party dress, her hair done up in two fishtail braids with sparkly bows. “Oh, Violet, you look beautiful.”
I may have seen her almost every day since the first day she wandered to the dock, but the sight of
her all dressed up still squeezes my heart. And tonight, her smile definitely reminds me of her dad.
I turn toward Violet and catch sight of Ben. He’s greeting other people near the door, Jazz in one arm, Poppy holding his free hand. The girls are all dressed to the nines, right down to their patent leather Mary Janes. It must have taken him forever to get out of the house.
He’s in Dockers and a button-down dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up on his forearms. I have no idea how he makes such boring clothes look so damn sexy, but somehow, they hang differently on his muscular, fit body. I’d trade three bad boys for a night in his bed any day of the week and ten times on Sunday, but based on how distant he’s been since I had dinner at his house, I’m not holding my breath.
Our gazes meet, then his darts to the men I was talking to, and back to me, and he mouths, Sorry. Which makes me realize the guys are waiting for me to return my attention to them.
I glance over my shoulder. “Great talking to you. Excuse us.” I drop into a crouch in front of Violet. “Let me see this beautiful dress.” She spins. “And your hair. I’ve never been able to do the fishtails. These are gorgeous.”
Violet’s face is glowing. “Daddy did them. He’s really good at it. I bet he’d do them for you.”
That image makes me laugh. I would have guessed the braids were done by her aunt or grandmother, but Ben has impressed me yet again.
I take her hands in mine and inspect her fingers. “Were you able to get the grease out from today?”
“Yeah, Daddy used a scrub brush.”
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. This kid is all about her daddy. It warms a deep place in my heart. I guess I see some of myself in Violet. A Daddy’s girl, through and through. I have no freaking idea how Ben does it all on his own.
“What are we gonna do tomorrow?” Violet wants to know.
“I think that will have to be a surprise,” I tell her. “I haven’t decided yet.”
Ben comes up behind Violet. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I look at Poppy and Jazz. “You two look gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” Poppy offers with a shy smile, then pulls on Violet’s sleeve. “Let’s do crafts.”
They’ve set up kids’ craft stations around the room. When Violet looks at me, I nod. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The two run off, and Jazz wiggles to get out of Ben’s arms. “I ’na go.”
Ben makes an exasperated sound as she slips to the floor. I step out of the way, pushing my hands into the back pockets of my jeans with an understanding “Go.”
He turns away and follows his girls through the crowd.
I’m watching them, my heart strangely heavy, when a guy comes up to me and puts out his hand. “Toby.”
I shake his hand. “KT.”
“I’ve been hearing about you. I’m thinking of becoming a marine technician and would love to talk to you about it.”
It only takes ten minutes of conversation to realize he doesn’t even know what a fucking marine technician is. He just used it as a line to get into a position to ask me out.
I’ve had it with this crowd. And I’ve almost convinced myself I’m done with this entire situation. I can always leave my money in the investment and go back to a ship. At least there I can control when I get hit on. At least there I can get sex without complications.
I head out onto the back deck and welcome the crisp air and silence. Tension fades, and I feel lighter, yet my heart is still as unsettled as my mind.
I lean against the railing, tip my head to the sky, close my eyes, and breathe deep. Yeah, it’s me again, all you crazy angels. Can you let me know if I’m in the right place? I don’t know if I should stay here or move on. I could use a sign.
I release my breath and look out at the road lined with cute little shops. All-American shops. Restaurants with American food, clothes, gifts. Not made in America, mind you, but shipped from overseas to appear as if they are American made. No cultural variety. No international color. I miss the prevalent bustle of cities and towns overseas. The people and the open-air markets. I miss the varied languages swirling in the air, the vibrant and diverse foods.
Maybe I wasn’t as ready to leave the ship as I thought.
A door opens behind me. Voices and commotion pour into the quiet night before it closes again. I grit my teeth. If I get hit on one more time, I’m so out of here. Laiyla and Chloe can kiss my ass the next time they want me to—
“Hey.”
Ben’s voice dances up my spine. Joy bubbles in my heart. I should trust this. I should see him as the sign I asked for, right?
I look over my shoulder. “Where are the girls?”
“My mom and sister are watching them at the craft tables.” He steps up to the rail, faces me, and leans one elbow against the wood. “You look beautiful.”
Hardly. The only thing I did for this event was put on new jeans and straighten my hair. “Thanks. So do the girls. Nice job, Dad.”
“They love to get dressed up. Violet was pushing everyone out the door. She was so excited to get here and show you her dress.”
As if I need another reason to love that kid. “She said you did her braids.”
He reaches out and brushes a stray strand of hair over my shoulder. I used to think I could read men, but Ben is way more complicated than any other man I’ve ever known.
“Jana taught me,” he says. “When it was clear she wasn’t going to make it, she sat me down with Violet and Poppy every damned day and taught me how to do every hair trick in the book. Jazz didn’t have enough hair to work with, or I would have been doing hers too.”
I don’t hear turmoil or sadness in his voice, just fondness. What this guy has been through is humbling. More because he’s figured out how to compartmentalize and deal with it in a way that allows him to function and move on.
I can honestly say I’ve never felt unworthy of anyone, but I’m teetering on the border of believing I ought to not only leave this guy alone, but search the world for the perfect woman for him. He really does deserve someone amazing in his life. Someone who can embrace those girls as her own and be a full partner with Ben. Not someone looking for a temporary good time.
“Something bothering you?” he asks. “Everything okay with the property?”
“Yeah, yeah. In fact, that night I was at your house for dinner and left to meet the girls, Laiyla and Levi brought us together to tell us that nothing had changed with the goals for the property. After it’s fixed up, they’ll still buy it outright so Chloe and I will get our money out of it. I figured as much, but they just wanted to make sure we knew it.”
He nods. “Still opening Memorial Day?”
“That’s the plan. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but if Levi can get a restaurant built, a market and a bunch of boats renovated, I can sure hold up my end of the deal.”
“He does have quite a bit more help than you do.”
“Don’t let Violet hear you say that.”
He smiles. “Whatever you’re doing with her has really turned her around.”
“What do you mean?”
“The last six months have been hard on her. She got her period sooner than her friends, and she took the change really hard. Of all the people in the world who should be able to help her with this, it’s me, but I couldn’t say anything right. Her mood swings were causing chaos in the house, upsetting the other girls. Everyone was fighting. It was…awful.
“That’s the main reason we moved here. That situation made me realize the girls really did need more than I could give them. Now they have my sister and mom to lean on when a dad just won’t do. Of course, Violet was pissed about the move too. I couldn’t do anything right by her. And here she’s been struggling to fit in at school, hasn’t made friends yet. She’s just really going through a bit of an identity crisis, you know?”
I laugh, feeling like I’m on the same roller coaster as Violet. “Oh, believe me, I know.”
“Since she’s been at the marina with yo
u, her moods have evened out, she’s nicer to her sisters, more cooperative with me. She’s just…happier.”
“I’d love to take the credit,” I tell him, “but I’m not doing anything special. I’m giving her menial, tedious jobs anyone else would look at and say see ya. But she’s deliberate and focused and tries so hard to please.”
I smile, thinking back. “She’s a lot of fun to have around. Dances and sings whenever there’s music on. She’s got a quick, quirky sense of humor. I swear she’s made me laugh so hard, I’ve almost peed my pants a couple of times.”
He laughs and rests both forearms on the rail. “Everyone knows their own kids inside and out. All the good, all the bad, all the amazing, all the maddening. As a parent, you accept all of them, no matter what, unconditionally. And when you see them struggling and can’t find a way to fix it, you feel helpless. So when someone comes along, someone who doesn’t know them like you do, and that person sees all those sparkly parts of your kid that may be hidden beneath layers of turmoil, or finds a way to reach them in a way you couldn’t… There’s just nothing more heartwarming for a parent.”
I could melt into a puddle at his feet right now. He’s pried my heart open and wiggled his way inside. And now he’s in there doing donuts, laying down tracks, and throwing up dust.
While his words make me feel accomplished with Violet, they haven’t exposed any hint of how he’s feeling toward me, and I feel trapped, unable to push him away, unable to jump in.
But the only person I’m pissed at is myself—for not knowing what I want, not understanding all these stupid emotions, and being attracted to someone who’s so totally unavailable.
10
Ben
If there’s one thing I’ve learned raising three little girls, it’s how to read nuances in mood, and KT isn’t her flirty, chipper self tonight. She’s also not acting congruently with her professed preferred lifestyle of hooking up. I watched her for a good ten minutes before she noticed we were there, and those guys she was talking to would have gone home with her in a heartbeat. Guys who are much younger and far less encumbered than me. Instead, she used Violet as an excuse to cut the conversation short.
