by Skye Jordan
“Baby,” I say, wrapping her in my arms and pulling her into me. “Breathe.”
But she’s not ready. She pushes away and angrily wipes at her face. At tears on her face. Which shocks me dumb. That is not something I ever thought I’d see.
“I fucking lit into her, Ben. I scared the shit out of her—on purpose—then I fucking fired her. I know it wasn’t my place, but I’m the one who found Jazz, and she was on our property, so, yeah, that kind of makes it my business. Just add me to the list of people who are allowed to pick the kids up from school, and I’ll take care of them when you’re at work, because I’m not going to be able to focus and get shit done when I don’t know where they are or what they’re doing. I can’t.” Her breathing stutters. “I really can’t—”
She covers her eyes and breaks into tears.
Crying is certainly not new to me, not at work or home, but seeing Kat cry feels like a hook in my heart, and I wrap her tight in my arms again even though she doesn’t hold me back. I talk sweet and quiet to her even though she can’t hear me through her sobs.
Her tears and her quick breaths are warm against my chest, and it takes a surprisingly long time for her to calm.
“I t-told them to go to their rooms so I could talk to Isabel a-alone, and I t-took her into the downstairs bedroom, but when we came out, the girls were all s-sitting on the s-stairs…”
She presses her forehead to my chest and starts crying again. “I mean, I sat them down a-after and told them w-why…but…”
“Shh, shh,” I say against her hair. “You’re getting yourself all worked up again. It’s over, Jazz is safe, you did the right thing. I’m not mad, I’m eternally grateful you were there for Jazz. I stopped using Isabel, but the new nanny called in sick right before I was due at work, and Isabel was the only person available at the last minute.”
She pulls away. “No more. You call me.”
“Okay. I’ll call you.” I wait to see how she reacts so I can figure out what to do next, because Kat clearly doesn’t even know what she needs. I lift my arms out to the sides. “Can I hug you now? I really need to hug you now.”
She huffs a sad laugh and walks straight into my arms. This time she hugs me back, her cheek against my chest.
“You’re amazing,” I murmur. “You don’t give yourself near the credit you deserve.”
She exhales and leans into me. “I thought you were going to be so pissed.”
“For putting the girls’ safety first?” I lean away and cup her face in both hands. The pain in her eyes makes my heart ache. “I will never be mad at you for taking care of them. Never.”
Her brow crunches, and her lips press together. She nods. “Can I say goodbye to them? I want to make sure they know I’m not mad at them, and they don’t have to be afraid of me getting mad at them.”
“I highly doubt they’re afraid of you.”
She pulls away, sniffles, and wipes her eyes. “You didn’t hear me filet Isabel.”
“Oh, I can imagine.” I take her hand and lead her toward the house. Before we get there, the girls come out, and they’re subdued. They look as unsure as I feel. Jazz is wearing a hoodie that hangs past her knees and can only be Kat’s.
“Hi, Daddy,” Jazz says, then blurts out, “I’m sorry I left the house.” Then she walks right past me and hugs Kat's legs. “I’m sorry I worried you, Kat.”
Kat drops into a crouch and hugs Jazz tight, pressing her face against her neck. “I don’t want anything to happen to you, baby.”
The sweet exchange steals my breath. Kat is a natural with my kids. All of them. She’s so damn real. A true breath of fresh air when it comes to the women I’ve dated since Jana passed.
“I know,” Jazz says.
“I love you, cupcake.”
I’m not sure I heard that right until Jazz says, “Love you too.”
A vise wraps my heart. Longing swamps me. In moments like this, I miss having a partner so badly, and I know the girls miss having a mom. Not being able to give them everything they need hurts.
When Kat releases Jazz and stands, my daughter comes over to me, and I pick her up and give her a kiss. “You sure caused a lot of trouble for someone so small.”
I tickle her belly and get a little laugh out of her.
“Can Kat stay for dinner?” Violet asks.
I look at Kat, but she’s shaking her head.
“Not tonight, honey,” she says.
I put Jazz down and tell the girls to head inside, then turn to Kat. “Are you okay?”
She pulls in a breath and lets it out slowly. “I need a long hot shower and a good cry, and I’ll be fine.”
Someone who didn’t know her would think she seemed fragile in the moment. I know she’s anything but. “I’m sorry we’ve been causing you so much trouble.”
“You’re not.” She puts her hands on her hips. “I just…I don’t, you know, do kids well.”
“From where I’m standing, you handle them as well as I do.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Trust your instincts, baby. You’re amazing in so many ways.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you headed home? I can take you.”
“No, I need the walk.”
She turns, but I touch her arm. “Can I come by later?”
“I don’t want you to leave the girls.”
“Jackie’s coming over to help Violet with a project.”
Kat sighs. “I don’t know. This is starting to feel…heavy.”
“Best thing we can do is talk about it.”
“Fine. No guarantee what mood I’ll be in.”
“If I can handle their moods, I can certainly handle yours.”
She gives me a half smile and turns, walking toward the marina. I watch her go with a fresh wave of emotion coursing through my veins and filling my heart. I can’t seem to allow myself to admit how much I care about her, because logically, I know no one can fall in love in a month’s time. But damn, my heart hasn’t heard anything about that rule, and it’s pounding out of my chest with an emotion I can only describe as love. Something different than I’ve ever felt before. Different from what I had with Jana. Not better, not worse, just…so damn different. The idea that I could love two women so differently isn’t something I ever imagined.
Maybe it’s just a transference of sorts. Or maybe I’m confusing love and gratitude.
Then a memory floods my mind. One from our night together. That moment when all the passion was sated. When I usually want to put distance between myself and the other person again. When I expected Kat to want the same. Only we both just lay together, touching and kissing and talking and laughing. For hours.
The realization hits me like a blow. Holy fuck. I really am in love with her.
An icy tendril snakes through my chest and lands in my gut. It’s hard to imagine how this will ever work out considering her dreams and my responsibilities. Do I just enjoy her until she leaves, knowing she’s not in it for the long haul? Or do I end things now, before I’m head over heels?
I’m not sure one way would hurt any less than the other.
As she disappears around a bend, I mutter, “I’m so fucking screwed.”
15
KT
By the time I get back to the marina, the construction crew is gone. And I’m wiped out—emotionally, physically, and my heart hurts too.
Levi’s boat is docked alongside the houseboat we consider Laiyla’s. I’m glad it’s dark so they can’t see what a wreck I am. Then I run into Chloe as she’s leaving Laiyla’s houseboat on her way to her own, which is next to mine.
“There you are,” she says. “We heard about Jazz being down here on the—” She takes a closer look at me, and her brows snap together. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine. What are you doing?”
“Moving boats. Laiyla took her things to Levi’s house, so I’m moving into Laiyla’s boat because it’s a little bigger and will give us both more privacy.”
&nbs
p; “Okay. What can I do?”
“Sweetie, you work too hard as it is.” She passes me. “But walk with me. What’s going on? Is Jazz okay?”
“Yeah.” I breathe the word, savoring the relief as I follow Chloe into her houseboat. I sit on the futon in the living room, while Chloe collects more clothes from her drawers. “God, she was so lucky. I can’t stop thinking about how many things could have gone horribly wrong.”
“Levi and Laiyla are talking about fencing the whole property. They don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with so many kids in town. Seems like an unnecessary expenditure to me, given that there are so many other entry points to the lake, but I guess for liability’s sake it might be a good idea.”
“I’m all for it. Jazz may still have wandered off, but she would never have made it to the water if there was a fence.”
“True,” Chloe says. “Did you finally talk to Ben?”
“Given that I fired his babysitter, I kinda had to stay with the girls until he got home, so yeah, I talked to Ben.”
Chloe’s gaze snaps toward me so fast, her hair flies out behind her. “You what?”
I tell her the story. By the time I’m done, she’s sitting beside me on the futon and we’ve both got a glass of red wine in our hands.
“I really admire your ability to do and say whatever it takes to stay on the right side of things,” Chloe says. “You’re so special.”
I laugh. “I’m special all right.”
“Sounds like Ben’s pretty special too.” She studies her wine. “He’s a whole different kind of guy for you. Maybe you’ve finally found your fit. He’s more mature than your hookups, probably because he’s been through more tough stuff—married young, lost his wife young, got through medical school, residency, working in the ER. He’s understanding, loving, and patient because of his girls. He’s accepting of you being unapologetically you, which is a huge plus, because you are amazing in so many ways, and he sees that. He’s obviously intelligent, which I think you’d find exciting, because while you play it down, you’re one smart woman.
“I think having a driven, intelligent, loving man is exactly what you’ve been needing. And I think you know all this subconsciously but aren’t willing to accept it because that would mean making tough choices, and change is scary. So is truly giving your heart to someone. You’ve spent the last decade essentially alone—no family.”
“You and Laiyla and Levi are my family.”
“You know what I mean. You’ve had to be the one holding everything together in your life—work, friendships, finances. And during that decade, you’ve put systems into place that keep you on an even keel. Ben and the girls would change the whole balance of your boat. You’d have to make some pretty significant changes to recapture that equilibrium. I think that’s as scary to you as giving him your heart. Maybe even scarier, because in a lot of ways, an unbalanced boat signals danger to you, and danger, in your world, means drowning.”
My mind is spinning around this new central idea Chloe has presented. I’m not sure if it resonates because she used a boating analogy, but it’s spot-on. “Damn. You’re good at this.”
She shakes her head. “I’m just more self-aware. When you do deep spiritual work, it opens you up and shows you things about yourself you weren’t willing to see. It’s always positive, because you can’t make changes until you see the problem. So even if you don’t like what you find, you have the power to make a change.”
I mull over the ideas. “You’re right. Change is a problem for me. Trusting is hard for me.”
“I’m right there with you, but I know we’re both capable of it. Look at you now. If I’d told you seven months ago this is where you’d be and that you’d be happy, you would never have believed me.”
I finish my wine and set the glass on the coffee table. “None of that helps me make the biggest decision—stay with Ben and the girls, or go live my dream.”
“Do they have to be mutually exclusive? What about a happy medium?”
I try to force my head that direction, but my brain hurts, and my vision is fuzzy. “I can’t see what that would look like.”
“Maybe they could spend school holidays on the boat with you,” Chloe says. “Maybe a month of the summer. And maybe you could sail or fly back here for visits. Between you coming here and him going there, you might be able to find something that works for all of you.”
A lightning strike of excitement burns down my spine. “I love the sound of that. I can’t believe it, but I do.”
“If you work it out so you’re not going too long between visits, you won’t have to worry about that intense sex drive of yours either. I mean, look at you, alive and well without sex for six whole months.”
“Smartass.”
“Point being, you won’t have to worry about that while you’re at sea.”
I try to envision myself stopping somewhere new, meeting men, and being friends but not having sex with them. I used to navigate that line with my work colleagues all the time. Yeah, that skill is definitely in my toolbox.
“You’ve given me a lot to think about. It’s hard for me to see Ben going for it, but he’s been surprising me since we met.”
“Just let the idea sit with you and try to focus on letting go of all the fears that come up. See what the universe brings you. It’s always—”
“As good or better,” we say at the same time.
The belief that the universe has even bigger, better things planned than anyone could imagine is one that has worked for me in the past—in my career, my friends, life opportunities. Maybe it’s even happened with Ben. He’s definitely more than I ever hoped for in a man. And Chloe’s idea is certainly one I would not have thought of myself.
I lean over and hug Chloe. “Thanks. You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Some days.” She hugs me back. “Others are still hard.”
“You must have really loved Bodhi,” I say. “His cheating has really thrown a wrench into your self-esteem.”
“I’m realizing it’s less about what Bodhi did and more about me—what I chose to see in him, what I allowed to slide. It’s so much easier to work on others’ problems than your own.” She grins and gestures with her wine. “So bring yours anytime. I’m always a ready cheerleader for you, girl.”
“Thanks.”
I leave Chloe’s houseboat with a lot to think about, but I realize a little hope has lifted my spirit. A long, hot shower helps too. I wrap a towel around me, flop belly down on my bed, and open my computer to troll the boat sales sites. I’ve been focused on getting something just big enough for me and an occasional guest, but if I’m going to entertain this new idea, I need to look into the possibility of a larger boat. One I can handle on my own, but with enough space for Ben and the girls. Also, one I can still afford.
I open another tab and pull up my Google calendar. And another with the girls’ schools’ calendars. I pop their vacation dates into my calendar starting fall next year, because I’ll be here at least through June. Longer if I can’t find the right boat.
There’s Labor Day, Columbus Day, then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. And, wow, I’m suddenly planning a year in advance. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never planned around a school calendar either. They’ve got way more holidays than I remember. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents’ Day, then I’m already at spring break. Then Memorial Day, and poof, back to summer.
“Wow.” A wave of something light and giddy tickles my stomach. “We could see each other a lot more than I thought.”
I’m distracted, so I don’t hear Ben until he’s at the door.
“Kat?”
By the time I slam the cover of my laptop, he’s already inside. I bend my knees and swing my feet as I look over my shoulder, hoping to distract him from the stupidly guilty move.
He’s grinning as he enters the bedroom and curls his hand around my foot. He’s changed into jeans and a T-shirt. “I caught you wa
tching porn, didn’t I?”
That makes me laugh out loud. “You’re all the porn I need, Latham.”
Heat flashes in his eyes. “Am I?”
“Hell, yes.”
His hand slides over my calf, up the back of my thigh, and under the towel to squeeze my ass. Heat spills between my legs. “Wish I’d gotten here a few minutes sooner. Would have liked to shower with you.”
“Could have fooled me.” I try not to sound surly about it. “Haven’t heard one word since the last time. Beginning to think you didn’t have as much fun as I did.”
He sinks one knee onto the bed and eases down, half on top of me, half beside me. He covers my hand with his and threads our fingers, then kisses my bare shoulder. The feel of his weight and warmth, the scent of his skin, coils around my heart, soothing the bruises.
“You know that’s not true.”
“Actually, I don’t. I thought you might have felt guilty, like you were cheating on Jana. Or that when you had time to think about it, you realized that what we have doesn’t compare to what you had with her, so I might have satisfied your body but not your heart, and you were ultimately disappointed.”
He doesn’t immediately answer, and I brace for rejection. Normally, rejection slides off my shell-like exterior, but I already know Ben’s will pierce my armor.
“That’s pretty insightful, but untrue.” He pulls his hand from mine and sweeps my hair off my neck, where he kisses me again. “How would you know that? Have you lost someone?”
“No, but my dad did, and we had long, open talks about my mother and the women he dated after her.”
“The out-to-sea effect?”
“Yep.”
He goes quiet, and I let the moment float, loving the feel of his warm body against mine.
“I can’t tell you how much what you did today means to me,” he says. “Those girls are everything, they’re my world, and I just can’t be everywhere at once. If something happened to one of them…” He lets out a long breath. “I really don’t know how I’d cope.”
