by Blair Burden
***
I felt uneasy sitting in my chemistry class as time got closer to Mandy’s memorial. Not only that, but I soon learned I had several classes with the Rat Pack. Well, three out of my five classes—but it totally sucked.
Everyone got quiet as the announcement went on throughout the school. “Everyone participating in Miranda Perez’s memorial may be dismissed from class and report to the school stadium immediately. Everyone else may go to lunch 10 minutes early and meet back at the stadium for the ceremony.”
I took a deep breath and my teacher nodded at me to leave. I began biting at my pink nails as I walked toward the stadium. I felt like I was selling my soul or that something creepy was going to happen to me—no words could explain the feeling.
I paused in front of the entrance as I saw Mandy’s mother, Rosa, crying to Dr. Smith. I had promised I would visit Rosa every weekend, but when police began to investigate me, she said it was best if I avoided her.
“Oh, Cassidy!” Rosa cried and ran over to me. “I can only imagine how you feel. You and her used to spend every day with each other.”
“I’m okay. I had enough of her—”
“What?” she gasped.
“That didn’t sound right…I mean I still have her with me,” I said. Trust me, she does.
“Okay, are you speaking today?” Rosa said.
“Yes. I’m giving a speech.”
“May I view what you’re going to say?”
“Well, I didn’t write my speech down…well I did, but I trashed it. I’m just going to let my heart speak for me,” I smiled.
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea,” Rosa snapped. “For someone in your condition.”
“What condition am I in?”
“Well, I heard about you and Valeria,” she said. “You aren't really at your peaking mental status.”
“I don’t want to talk about this now. I have to get inside now to practice,” I said and walked into the stadium.
I sat on a chair next to where the local news were setting up their cameras. It was just the typical media feeding off a dead teen and glamorizing it.
“Hey,” hipster Daniel sat next to me. “Do you have what you’re going to say together?”
“Um, well yeah,” I murmured. “I do.”
“Well, Dr. Smith was speaking and he said it would be amazing if you shed a few tears for the cameras,” he whispered. “You know, so we can get a bigger sum.”
“Wait, you guys are getting paid to do this?”
“Yeah, the media is willing to pay nine thousand for this broadcast.”
“That's pathetic.”
“I know, but it’s kind of a big deal—”
“And we are using her death to build up on cash?”
“Tell that to her parents. They are gonna make ten thousand for doing 20/20.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, I’ll make sure we get the extra sum.”
“Really? You’ll shed tears?” he beamed.
“I won’t say I’ll shed tears, but others will,” I said. “It will be perfect.”
“Ooh, that sounds great. Dr. Smith will love you if you did that!” Daniel pulled me close to him and gave me a huge hug. “I knew you had good in you.”
I didn’t eat the special lunch that was provided for everyone part of the memorial because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it down. I just kept on thinking about what I would say about Mandy and how this could make me look guilty.
I must have blanked out for an hour because when I came back to reality the stadium was full of students and Dr. Smith was getting ready to speak. With his big shoes, Dr. Smith walked to the middle of the stage, holding the same framed picture that Daniel had earlier. Everyone grew silent and all I could hear was Rosa crying.
Dr. Smith cleared his throat and struggled to stand the picture next to him. While tying his scarf around his neck, Daniel ran on stage to help Dr. Smith stand the frame up. It took a good minute, and the crowd began to get uneasy.
I stared at the picture of Mandy. I remembered that day like yesterday, when she took that picture. She was angry because her hair was greasy and she blamed Mama because she curled it wrong. But, we would laugh and Mama would just say she wasn’t a trained hairstylist. It was funny how that one picture reminded me of all that—it reminded me of the good times.
“Cassidy Ann White,” Dr. Smith paused, acting as if he were choked up, “will be giving the first speech tonight. She and Miranda were best friends. They were so close people called Cassidy, Mandy’s shadow—”
With that last comment that came out his mouth, my pulse was on fire. I never felt so much anger build up in my veins, as if I were the Hulk. I felt like taking Dr. Smith’s humongous feet and slapping his hideous goofy face with them. The more he spoke I began to abhor him.
All I could hear was the laughing and the comments, saying how they agreed that I was her shadow. Everything I thought I would say disappeared out my mind.
I walked to the stage and snatched the microphone from Dr. Smith. “Me being calling Mandy’s shadow has caused so much anger. I am pissed off, because even when the bitch is dead, I’m still in her shadow. I don’t care if I don’t have friends and I don’t care if Mandy was the only reason why people knew me. The only thing I care about is how Mandy changed. How she went from being an amiable friend to being the one person who wants me dead. And I say that in present tense because Mandy still haunts me with her rude side comments and her bickering that I didn’t tell the police about the phone call.
Everyone wants to know about the phone call! Well, Mandy called me that night before she died. She told me to pick her up now because her boyfriend was going crazy and he bit her or something crazy like that. And I said no. I said I was busy. The only reason I said that was because she always controlled me. She expected me to be like a little puppy and pick her up as if I were her slave. Because of that, he killed her and if you want to blame me, then blame me. I think of it this way, he was gonna kill her anyway—”
“That’s ENOUGH!” Dr. Smith snatched the microphone out my hand as everyone began to whisper on how he allowed me up there. “Cassie, you may go home now!”
“But you called me—”
“NOW!”
As I walked off the stage, everyone stared at me as if I was the most disgusting thing on their shoe. Ha, everyone is just going to think you are crazier now. I do not know why you wasted your time. Just go back home and cut yourself like usual.
I ambled into the restroom and searched my messy handbag for my razor. I tore open my makeup bag with my teeth, breathing heavy as I couldn’t find my shiny best friend. I was relieved when I finally found it—without thinking, I began to slash away—
“Cassie?” Karen came out the restroom stall. “What are you doing?”
“Just leave me alone,” I cried.
Karen snatched the razor out my hand, allowing my blood to drip all over her fingers. “You cut yourself? You’re one of those people?”
“And you seem so surprised!” I chided and wrapped my wrist with a towel. “I told you.”
“Does your mother know you do this?” she asked with empathy in her tone.
“Everyone knows! Karen, that is the thing, no one cares. No one cares unless Mandy has something to do with it. However, she has plenty to do with why I cut—”
“You can stay with me tonight and we can talk. I think the last place you need to be is at home with your mom.”
I sucked in my runny nose, swallowing all the mucous. “I guess that is okay.”
As I walked out the restroom, Dr. Smith pulled me by my shoulder into his office. I did not know if I should fight him off or scratch him and run away—so I followed him.
“Cassidy White your speech today was so impertinent that I have no comment right now. How could you say that horrible speech in front of all those people? I really wanted this school year to be a good one, but now I’m not sure if I should allow you to stay.”
&
nbsp; “I don’t even want to talk about this. I embarrassed myself—”
“You embarrassed not only yourself, but everyone involved.”
“You just want your money!”
“Hell yeah we want the money.”
I rolled my eyes, “Can I go home?”
“Go home and think about what happened today.”
Without another word, I left out his office to my car. I turned my radio down as I watched Jordan and Kyle bounce a ball on their shoes. They continued to do it for ten minutes and I soon begin to get bored watching them.
I dug into my handbag searching for something to get my mind off Mandy. Unfortunately, I didn't have anything entertaining. So, I turned my radio back to full blast. However, my mind went back to Mandy. I tried to rewind the memorial in my head. I was not the type of person who would not try to understand both point of views. I knew my brusque attitude would get me in mega trouble one day—it was just my luck that the media recorded it.
I found a bottle of pills with a missing label under my seat. I figured it had to be Mama’s medication since she had every drug a pharmacologist could own. As I hesitated, I poured the remaining pills into my palms, counting them—ten.
I grabbed my water, which had been in my car for the last two weeks. I stuffed the large pills into my mouth, swallowing them. As I realized what I had done, I tried to make myself throw up the pills, scaring myself out my complacency.
“Oh my god,” I said. “What did I do?”
I started the engine to my car and hurried to get home. When I arrived to my street, I grabbed my bag, ran into the house, and hid in my bed. Mama was at work, so I thought about how she would find me.
She would find me pale and clammy. First, she would probably think I were sleep and not bother me, so it wouldn't be until the next day where she would find my dead lifeless body.
As I continued to think about Mama, everything became blurry and I felt faint. Within a minute, everything went bright and I closed my eyes.
I felt like a zombie as I heard my phone ringing in my ear. By accident, I pushed the answer button with my head. I leaned my head closer to it, as it felt like my brain was about to explode.
“Hello?” it was Karen. “I thought you were coming over?”
“Karen?” I said as I tried to read the time on the clock—only a few hours had went by.
“Yes!”
“I took too many pills this time. My stomach is burning.”
“What do you mean you took too many pills?” she screamed. “Oh my god, are you okay?”
“No! I’m not okay. My mom is at work, can you do something?” I cried.
“Why don’t you call 911?” she said.
“No, I will be in trouble if I do.”
“I’ll do it for you. Where do you live?”
“No, Karen, don’t do it,” I said. “Just send someone over to me. Contact my Mama. Anyone but 911.”
“I’ll do it…where do you live?”
“Karen, they'll probably arrest me or something.”
“Why would they arrest you, Cassie?” she said as I got quieter. “Cassie? Cassie are you still on?”
“Just say Cassidy White and they’ll know.”
Within in ten minutes, the sound of the rhythmical ambulance awoke me. I could hear someone banging on the front-door; they must have been an idiot because the front-door was unlocked. In fear, I hid under my blankets. I didn't really understand my own motives. Did I want to be saved or not?
I listened as I heard Mama screaming as she ran throughout the rooms, searching for me. “Cassidy! Cassie!” Mama slammed opened my bedroom door. “She's in here!”
With all her energy, Mama snatched me off my mattress and held me in her arms. Then, I felt as though I was being pulled in different directions as multiple people began to tug on me. I always wondered why they stripped me nude. They always did; luckily I had clean underwear on.
“Baby, it will be okay...”
Mama's voiced faded out and all I could see was a bright beam of light. I felt as though my body was floating, but I was conscious enough to know I was being lifted into the ambulance.
I heard the last thing to go was your hearing before you die, and I began to get fearful as the sound of Mama's voice would come and go—soon it faded—and I couldn't hear anything.
I thought I was dead.
The bright row of familiar lights shined through my eyelids as doctors rushed me into the local emergency room, which was about five minutes away from home. Just within one second, the scream of Mama made me jump and I was sort of amazed that I was back. Then, the room filled with tons of sounds and I was wishing I didn't hear anything.
How selfish of me, as I listened to the screams of a woman in labor. How selfish of me, as I heard a man screaming because of a bullet to his chest. I should have been last, but I was first.
As the doctor pressed down on my stomach, I could feel the softness of the gel pills sliding its way up my throat. I tried to open my eyes, and all I could see was Mama crying. Her beautiful eyes, turned downward in agony.
“Don’t leave me, Cassie!” she sobbed. “Don’t leave me!”
I let out a breath of air as Dr. Summings injected my arms with an IV over the old bruises. He put his cold fingers over the scars and the pain came like a rush.
The door shut on Mama but I could still hear her crying from outside the room.
“I think we did it,” Dr. Summings sighed. “We saved her again.”
