by Renee Ryder
And it was even worse when she realized that her story “I spent the whole day in the hills with Nico” did not hold water. So many traces of her return to the apartment were left behind; the lack of any landscape drawings, the missing lettuce in the fridge, a can of corn in the trash, the dishes draining in the rack on the sink, the squashed pillows on the couch after her nap, the dirty clothes soaking in the bathtub and draped over the shower head – although she doubted that Susan would go in her bathroom – and also the eye witness with the clothesline upstairs. She hadn’t covered her tracks because she didn’t tell lies. It had just been improvisation. Bumbling improvisation. So, if Susan had noticed any of this evidence upon her return, the worse, alternative truth could seem very likely …
Tears formed in her eyes, sliding down her face and dampening her pillow.
Her mother, Susan, Ryan, Nico … how could her heart hold such different feelings all at once?
It’s not like the heart is a rainbow! Or is it?
Maybe the heart really is a rainbow. A rainbow of feelings where each one is connected to another, while maintaining its own hue. The difference is that the colors always coexist peacefully.
The meeting with Nico had generated an emotional earthquake inside her that had shaken her to the core. At first she hadn’t even noticed; but when some tremors had made her wobble, instead of trying to understand what was happening, out of discomfort or cowardice she turned away. Those tremors took the alibi of being unconscious from her. She should have cut short the nascent friendship as soon as she started developing affection for him. Because while the contrasts among colors represent the harmony of a rainbow, the contrasts among feelings create problems and the heart is thrown off balance.
Ryan had betrayed her twice, loading down one side of the scale with disappointment, impotence, and rage. He was the one who had forced her to fill the other side to restore equilibrium. She remembered her euphoria from Monday when he was supposed to arrive the next day. So, if he hadn’t stabbed her in the back—or rather, contracted his mother to do it for him—she wouldn’t have spent Tuesday hugging her pillow as a substitute for him. And she would never have gone looking for Nico.
Her reaction had therefore been legitimate. Even Susan and Roger had encouraged it!
Then why lie to them if I’ve done nothing wrong?
She had a fit of laughter, thinking back to the restaurant and if she had had actually answered Susan’s question about her day with Nico.
“While we were driving through the hills, it started to rain. We found shelter in an abandoned hotel, where he washed my feet and legs before trying to kiss me. I blocked it, obviously, and he explained that he’s falling in love with me. So, when he invited me to visit his secret place, a magical place that no one else in the world knows about, of course I went with him. We stayed there about an hour, alone, but only talked.”
She tried to put herself in Susan’s shoes. She pictured Ryan explaining in the same way about an encounter with a girl who’d been hanging around him for a few days. Despite her total trust in him, only a video of their entire afternoon together would convince her to believe him.
At times the truth isn’t very believable, which is one of the worst problems with honesty. She wished she were a professional liar, because they know how to turn that weakness into a strength. Therefore, she could only admit to herself that it’d been an error to go with Nico, since when she found herself in that dark grotto, her heart had lost its way …
Why in the fuck did I say yes?! If only I’d called Susan to tell her I had returned home, I’d be asleep by now!
This regret lasted less than a minute. Just long enough to remember how petty and self-centered she’d felt for taking advantage of Nico’s kindness for two whole days. In fact, she’d felt freed from her sense of guilt only after choosing to do something for him.
Oh God!
Thinking about it so much brought her right back to square one, but by now another quarter hour had passed.
Is there anything more useless than wandering through the fog? The only thing that will happen is you’ll bang into something or fall into a ravine. Or into an escarpment …
Clearly she couldn’t continue like this until morning. Showing up at breakfast still embarrassed from the night before would only confirm the Corwins’ doubts.
A lightbulb went off in her head.
Thank God for a world with different time zones!
In Seattle it was only seven twenty in the evening.
Talking to Lauren would help her figure things out before Ryan arrived.
She sat up and reached for her phone. She’d left the window open because she couldn’t bear the clanging from the air conditioner. A cool breeze came in with the muted light from a streetlamp and the echoing footsteps of someone starting the new day—or finishing the old.
It popped into her mind that they could be Nico’s since he and his father went fishing around that time of morning. The temptation to go to the window and check, or just to see if she could spot his boat down on the beach, gave her the energy to get up; however, once standing, something held her back. Her impulsive interest felt inappropriate, somehow, so she shook her head like a dog shaking off water, and sat back down on the bed.
She called Lauren.
While it rang, one color of the rainbow leaped to her attention …
Zeke!
She well remembered how she’d felt whenever Lauren called her while fighting through her own fog; of course, she’d always supported her like any true friend would, but found it stressful, and at times annoying, to keep hearing and repeating the same things. She assumed that Lauren would never guess her true feelings, but what if that was wrong? With every ring the question grew in her mind.
Is it possible that she was purposefully not picking up? That the unanswered—but viewed—text and photos she’d sent two days ago was a way of squaring things between them, considering their last conversation about Zeke?
Nonsense!
Lauren couldn’t know that she was in emotional chaos over Nico. No one knew, so the idea that Lauren hadn’t answered to get back at her was only an underhanded way of pinning the guilt on Lauren. Guilt that increased if she thought about how she’d taken the high moral ground on the Zeke situation. And although the circumstances with Nico were very different, they showed her how hard it is to navigate your heart’s desires. Now she truly understood the meaning of “a supportive friend.” She wasn’t being one to Lauren; that’s why it was difficult to tap on her name again. But maybe it was simpler: Lauren missed the call because she had the evening shift at Chuck’s.
Keisha!
She’s probably left the office by now.
She wouldn’t go into details with Keisha like she would with Lauren, but confiding in a trusted friend—in a low voice, because suddenly the living room between the two bedrooms didn’t seem enough of a buffer anymore—if nothing else, it would get these thoughts out of her head. Actually, in a delicate situation like this, a woman with ten more years behind her, and a divorce, might be more savvy than someone her own age and in a worse emotional predicament than hers.
She scrolled through her contacts and tapped Keisha.
“Hannah?!”
“Hey, you! How’s it going?”
“Good, but … it’s gotta be the middle of the night in Italy.”
“Why do you think I’m whispering?”
“What time is it there?”
“Let me check … Four thirty.”
“Oh, I get it. You guys just got back from clubbing.”
“The real story is less exciting. I just can’t sleep.”
“What about Ryan?”
“Ryan?”
“Is he awake, too?”
“No. He’s asleep.”
“You won’t wake him up?”
“No. I’m outside on the veranda. The nights here are, at worst, cool. Nothing like the cold tha
t we get.”
“Must be nice.”
“Yeah. I thought I’d call to hear how things are going in the office, if you aren’t busy.”
“Not at all, Hannah. Tonight I’m trying to decide between watching a movie or going over to my sister’s after she puts the kids to bed. It’s sure more interesting to talk to you.”
“Okay. So what’s going on at work?”
“Nothing new. Same stuff every day, but lonelier since you’re not there.”
“Oh, Keisha. You’re so sweet, hahaha!”
“I’m serious. I miss our lunches together. I tried once with Megan, but you know how she is.”
“Not much of a talker?”
“Now I get why she always keeps to herself. Last Monday I invited her to grab a snack at Panera. She went, ‘Okay,’ which was the only word she said until ‘Thanks’ when I paid the bill …”
“You could say, not the best investment.”
“Definitely not. So I hung around Karen and Jason. That wasn’t great either, because I felt like a third wheel, but at least with them there’s some conversation.”
“ ‘Third wheel’ in the sense that … in what sense?”
“Look, if they’re not already together, they will be soon.”
“No way! Jason with Karen?!”
“Uh-huh.”
“My God. It’s so weird to think of them together!”
“Well, it’s true that she could almost be his mother. But they hang out together all the time, outside of work, and the only way you’d notice their age difference is if you looked at them without listening to what they’re saying, ’cause they get along so well.”
“I agree with you on that, but I thought it was more like a little brother/big sister thing.”
“It seems like none of us predicted this kind of office incest …”
“What about you? Have you met anyone since I’ve been gone?”
“No. But I got asked out.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
“By who? What’s he like?”
“Ya know Ron Jackson?”
“Ron from accounting?”
“Yeah, him.”
“He’s like Ron?”
“No, it is Ron.”
“I knew it. ‘Member when I told you awhile ago that he had a thing for you?”
“No disrespect to your instincts, but it was kinda obvious.”
“Hahaha!”
“I just never thought he’d get up the guts to ask. But since you and I are always joined at the hip, maybe he decided I’d be more vulnerable when you left. Which is true!”
“How did it go?”
“It didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“I told him no.”
“You told him no?!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Oh, Keisha! Why? He’s pretty cute.”
“I agree. But you know what I think about men.”
“Exactly! You always say that love is a special effect with an expiration date. So, you don’t look for love …”
“I look for a vibe. I locked away the idea of love, but I don’t go out with just anyone to avoid being alone. Which isn’t as bad as people make it out, anyway.”
“What kind of vibe do you look for?”
“It doesn’t matter. It could be physical, spiritual, or simply curiosity. Anything that triggers my interest in the person. With experience you realize that regret is one of the worst feelings.”
“I know what you mean. My grandma always warned me about regrets.”
“Wise woman! When you start thinking, ‘What if I had done this or hadn’t done that’ … those things screw with your mind and make you insecure. I learned that the best antidote against regret is that little push your heart gives you. If the date goes well, great. But if not, it’s all the same because you listened to your instincts so there’s nothing to regret. That’s why, if you don’t feel a vibe, it’s like doing what other people expect from you. And then it ends up things don’t work out … No, better to watch a movie or visit your sister. Anyway, I didn’t rule out seeing Ron, if I feel a vibe. And in that case, I’ve got no problems asking him out. Then, if he has to turn me down out of manly pride or some shit like that, we stay friends like before. That’s the beauty of having your heart only depend on you.”
“…”
“Oh, Hannah. I’m sorry! I started philosophizing and—”
“No, don’t worry. Actually, I should thank you. I always find pearls of wisdom in the things you say.”
“Hey, don’t make fun of me.”
“I’m serious, Keisha. Just yesterday I did something that I’d started to regret. But because I followed my instincts, I felt I’d done the right thing after all. Just like you were saying.”
“What did you do?”
“…”
“Hannah?”
“I’m here.”
“I was asking, what did you do?”
“…”
“Hey, why are you so quiet?”
“…”
“Hannah, you okay?”
“Um, basically.”
“Basically?! What happened?”
“You know, to tell the truth, Ryan …”
“Ryan what?”
“He’s not here.”
“Where is he?”
“Well, long story short, he had a major deal at work and he had to put off his flight for a week. So I left with his parents.”
“You mean you’ve been in Italy for a week without Ryan but … with his mom and dad?!”
“I know it sounds crazy! But it’s true. And honestly it’s not bad, because his mom and I have really bonded. We’ve got a great relationship.”
“So you’re not out on the veranda!”
“No. Sorry. I was embarrassed to tell you about Ryan. But it really is warm here.”
“Alright, alright, I forgive you.”
“Listen, Keisha. I’ll tell you the details next time. But now it’s late and I wanted to tell you … Ryan is on an airplane right now. In twelve hours he’ll be here. I haven’t seen him in seven days. I love him a lot, and he loves me. Things are going great with his parents and I’m in the country that I’ve always wanted to visit. So, why am I so upset?
“Upset?”
“I have this feeling of dissatisfaction, anger, apathy … I don’t know what the hell it is!”
“…”
“Keisha?”
“What can I tell you? It’s hard without knowing the situation.”
“…”
“What’s bothering you the most?”
“Well, spending a week away from Ryan has, in a certain sense, let me get to know myself better.”
“And …?”
“And, I don’t know. It could be my family’s Italian origins coming out in me from being here, but I’ve uncovered a part of me that has nothing to do with Ryan. Like I said, I love him so much that I’d feel lost without him. But there’s a part of me, a little one, deep down, that I realized I’ve been ignoring for years. And now that it’s coming out, it’s making itself heard. I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“And what does Ryan think of this part of you?”
“I don’t think he even knows it exists.”
“And do you blame him for it?”
“How could I?”
“Then your answer is … show him.”
“Show him what?”
“Show him this Hannah who you’ve been hiding in your heart. Maybe you’re upset because you don’t know if he’ll like her. But if he loves you like you say, and I know he does because I’ve seen you together, he’ll welcome her with open arms.”
26. Anna
Hannah was frying bacon in the sunlit kitchen.
“Good morning,” she sang, beaming, as Susan opened the door.
With a robe and a case of bedhead, Su
san stopped in the doorway and stared at her.
“Already up, dear?”
“Sue! Today Ryan’s coming!”
“Um, I know?”
“I couldn’t stay in bed one more minute. I had to get up and do something. You know, since he and I started dating, we’ve never gone an entire week without being together.”
“I’m glad you feel better this morning.” Susan came in and headed towards the cupboard.
She felt a bit offended by the change in subject because she had shared something very personal with her; but then she noticed the sexual implication in her words.
“You were right, Sue,” she hurried on in an attempt to move on. “A bottle of water, a good night’s sleep, and here I am! Fresh as a daisy.”
“Seeing you, I have to wonder if there was coffee in that bottle …”
“Hahaha. Am I that wired?”
“Compared to last night, you look like a different person,” Susan replied, placing three dishes on the table. “But that’s good, isn’t it?”
“I’d say so. Maybe I unconsciously kept all my energy for toda—I mean,” she added quickly, realizing that she had made another unintentional carnal allusion. “I was going to make pancakes too, but don’t want to step on Roger’s toes. So I’m working on coffee, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Oh, I also made some juice with the oranges you bought yesterday. I’ll buy more if you needed them for something else.”
“No, they were for breakfasts,” Susan smiled at her, setting out the silverware.
She had worried the whole night, fearing Susan’s distrust or bitterness due to her behavior at dinner last night; but everything seemed okay. Tension-free.
“So what’ll we do, Sue? Beach, as planned? What a gorgeous day,” she added, flicking the curtain aside to check the sky.
“Let’s see what that sleepyhead Roger says when he wakes up. But I think it’s the best way to spend the morning.”
She’d slept barely two hours, but had awakened fully rested.
That was Keisha’s doing.
Their conversation had opened her eyes in an unexpected way. She’d sensed it would be more helpful to talk to her than Lauren, but hadn’t realized how much.
