by Sky McCoy
“I’ve never known you to cook,” I joked. Coming from me, I didn’t think I’d ever joked with her. We should have spent more time together. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard with me asking her to marry me.
“Well, I’m not exactly cooking. I’ll have something delivered. Do you want anything?”
“I’ve already eaten. I have something very important to discuss with you.”
“Does it have to do with a ring?”
“Yes. That too.”
I hit the red button when I ended the conversation. I thought the rest of the discussion needed to be said in person. When I drove up to her condo, I was shaking and had forgotten to call the hospital. I parked hurriedly, rushed inside the lobby, and called to let the nurses know that I’d be there and in time for the baby’s feed. I didn’t even have a name for her yet.
Then I stepped into the elevator and rode to Annalisa’s floor, soon finding myself at her door, and when I rang the bell, her door opened immediately, and there she stood in a see-through nightie.
I was in no mood, and I don’t think after what occurred between me and Dorian, I could muster a hard on anytime soon. It would take a while before I’d be able to fuck or make love to Annalisa, as if I ever made love to her, or anyone for that matter. I fucked plain and simple. No foreplay. No kissing.
The feelings I received by being in Dorian’s arms, couldn’t compare to what I had before with any woman. It was burning hot and he was sexy as hell. I never had anyone want to cook for me either, without me paying them or ordering out.
When I walked inside Annalisa’s apartment, she rushed to me, arms around my neck, and then she palmed my cock. “You’re not glad to see me?”
The only time I had been moderately excited to see her was when I’d stayed away so long I’d fucked anything if it had a hole, and more times than I could count, I’d opted for my fist. That’s why I never asked Annalisa to marry me, that and because there was always something missing, and now I knew what and who it was—Dorian.
Nevertheless, I had achieved a reputation for being straight, and for the sake of my career, and child, I’d have to stay in the closet, and that was my main purpose for being here.
“I’m more than happy to see you, Anna.” I took her hand and led her to the couch. Once we sat I looked at her and said, “Lindsey, Carter’s wife, died last night.” I had trouble getting that out, and almost cried. Tears welled in my eyes, but didn’t fall.
“Oh my god. Is Carter alright?” It was the first time I’d seen so much concern for Carter. I never thought Anna gave him a second thought, even as she’d questioned me about him and his childlike questions and answers he’d given her when we made a quick visit to their home to drop off a house-warming gift.
“No, he’s not. I don’t know if he’ll ever be okay,” I admitted. I’d never told her about my brother’s accident. I wasn’t a man to open up and reveal personal things, especially about my family. That’s why I didn’t know why I’d showed up at Dorian’s place and literally begged him to hold me. I’d never needed someone to lean on before, but I never had to confront something like this.
“Is the baby okay?” Annalisa asked.
“She’s fine, but I haven’t named her yet. I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“Me. Why me? And why are you naming her? Isn’t that Carter’s job?” I stared at her and held her hands. She glanced down at my hands because they were unsteady. “I never told you that it was my sperm that impregnated Lindsey.” Anna narrowed her eyes and pulled away from me. “I know I should have, but I never thought this would happen.”
“And you brought me only once to see Carter and his wife, even as I tried to get to know them because I thought we would be family when we married. I don’t think you were thinking about me marrying you. That’s why you never wanted me to meet them until I insisted.”
I felt guilty about that only because of what I was about to ask her, but then she asked me a question that caught me off guard. “Did you fuck her?”
“Heaven’s no,” I insisted. “According to the law, I’m her father, and I don’t know what to do.”
“You have to tell Carter that you can’t be responsible for that baby. Carter isn’t thinking about abandoning the baby is he?”
I stared at Anna. “He has already done that. I came here to ask you to marry me and help me raise my baby.”
“But she’s not my baby. I don’t even like children, remember.” I remembered. “That’s why we continued dating, because you didn’t want any children and neither did I. Not even to adopt.”
I’d remembered our talk about children when I first met Annalisa, and she was the only woman that had the same ideas and sentiments about children as me. We could get along in this world fine without the patter of little feet, we’d joked. If or when we’d marry, we would travel and be married to our careers, and enjoy life. That had been my dream. If things didn’t work out between us, we could take what we brought to the marriage, and that would be that.
The way we’d worked everything out, we could remain friends.
“I know what I said, but the child is mine and now she has no mother.”
“You can put her up for adoption.”
I had never thought along those lines. I took care of my brother after his accident as if I was his mother and father, and how could I not take care of my child? Lindsey had taken care of Carter for me, and I didn’t have to worry about him. How could I not worry about the child that was of my flesh? I had no answers to that, but one.
“You’ve wanted to marry me all these years, so marry me and help me raise my baby.”
“It’s not that easy, Jeremy. You know I’m self-absorbed. I don’t know how to share and especially share you with someone.”
“But she’s only a baby. You must have motherly instincts. Don’t all women have them?” I questioned, not knowing, and then realizing that not every woman or man was the same.
“When you say all women, that’s not a logical argument. You should say some women have the motherly instinct, however, I don’t.”
I didn’t have time, or the patience to debate with Anna on what was a logical argument and what wasn’t. I needed a mother for my child. Now that was a farce, and it sounded absurd that I would even entertain such a notion.
“How do you know you don’t, Anna?” Now I was one step from begging her to marry me. I’d known I didn’t want Anna and she knew it too, even if she didn’t want to admit it. We were both unsuited for each other, but we were likely to marry one day because of the pressure my brothers exerted over me to cover up the fact that my twin Jack was gay. They had insisted that it was my duty to clean up Jack’s mess, so there could be no scandals once they decided to run for office.
After a disagreement with my older brothers, I’d stayed away from Anna for a few years, to clear my head, leaving immediately for Europe to fill a position for my friend Maxwell Gold.
“I just know that I’m not marriage material now, Jeremy, or being someone’s mother. I thought I would never have to tell you no.” I watched as she tried to hide a smirk. I didn’t blame Anna. What did they say about a woman scorned? And she had been scorned by me in more ways than I wanted to consider, or think about.
Reaching for her, and turning her around, after she stepped to the left away from me, I looked Anna in the eyes, hoping she’d see my desperation, and feel sorry for me, and my child, but when I locked eyes with her, there was indeed a coldness that made me shiver.
She said with the arrogance I’d seen in the mirror, when the shoe was on the other foot, “I’ve wanted you since the day I met you, Jeremy. That’s why I took all your shit. You wouldn’t call for days, you left for Europe, and when you returned, I was there waiting for you, but you wouldn’t see me because you said you were busy working, and didn’t have time for me. Christ, Jeremy, I hadn’t seen you for six fucking months. I even degraded myself and asked you to come to me or I’d go to you and suck your cock whenever y
ou needed me. Finally, you did come around. But I can’t do this. Not anymore and not even for you. I’d like to remain friends with you, Jeremy, but nothing else. I have no future with you. Even if I was stupid enough to accept your offer, don’t you know what everyone is whispering about you?”
I knew, but I didn’t care at this point. As long as they didn’t have me on camera with a cock in my mouth, or my dick lodged inside a man’s hole, which I’d been very careful about, and I thought it’d been years before that incident last night with Dorian.
Yeah, it was an awful long time since I fucked a man. Technically I wouldn’t consider my mouth on a cock as fucking. It’d been so long since I had my cock in a man’s ass, I didn’t think I’d know what to do any more. If I’d gone to Dorian’s, expecting to drive my depression and hurt out with my length inside his hard ass, I’d have to ask him to show me how it was done.
It took the tragedy of losing my sister-in-law, the mother of my child, to illicit that desire of being held and comforted by a strong hand.
I guessed it was like riding a bicycle. You never forgot that feeling of stubble brushing against your stubble, when your face was touching his, sliding your tongue along his Adam’s apple, your cock pulsating against his, and...what the fuck was wrong with me? Here I was daydreaming about fucking Dorian, when I was still hiding from the truth by asking Anna to marry me, when I knew I wanted a man, and that man was Dorian Hart.
Pulling out my phone, I remembered leaving my watch at Dorian’s. I glanced at the time and I had messages from the hospital. What the fuck am I going to do?
“I have to go,” I growled abruptly at Anna.
“There you go running away again, Jeremy.”
“What do you want me to do? Stay here and listen to you scold me on how I’ve neglected you, and how you and your friends discuss how I could be gay since I’ve never bothered to marry you. I’ve heard all of that before, and I don’t think I want to stay here for any more of it. You’ve said no, now I have to find someone to say yes.”
“Who the fuck would say yes to you?” Anna taunted. “I was the only woman who knew what people were saying about you, and stayed with you.”
“Did you ever consider they were talking about my twin brother, Jack?”
“I’d forgotten about him. How could I marry you with that psycho twin brother of yours always around. He could try to impersonate you one night and fuck me, and I wouldn’t know the difference.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Anna. What do you want from me a medal? I’m not as bad as you want to picture me, and I’ll prove to you that someone else might think I’m worthy of marriage even if I do have a child.”
By saying it to Anna and putting it out into the universe, it became official—I was a single father, but I needed someone to help me raise my child. It finally dawned on me that I was a father, whether I was gay or straight. There must be someone out there that will marry me, but who?
I left Anna with the mutual agreement that we would still be friends, but I had to find someone to care for the baby when she came home. What I needed to do was make arrangements with the doctors and hospital where I could leave her in the hospital until I could hire a nurse for her.
The only person I could talk to now was Jack. He’d given me his number and I called him as I drove to the hospital. “Jack. Where the fuck are you? Answer,” I grumbled. “Jack, answer the fucking phone.” I had shouted loud while driving. I didn’t hear when the phone connected.
“You said that I could stay at your place, and I’m here. You must have a hot date that you haven’t been home in days.”
“I’m pulling into the garage now, Jack.” When I drove inside the garage and was ready to pull into my space, “Who the fuck parked a Corvette in my parking space?” I barked.
“It’s mine.”
“Where the fuck did you get that car? I know you don’t have the money because—”
Jack stopped me midsentence.
“Because I wouldn’t beg Thomas for the money our parents left me. He always wanted to control everything, including me and who I slept with, and I’ll be damned before I’ll subject myself to his shit, and be under his feet for the rest of my life.”
“We’ll discuss that later.” I found another parking space I knew to be empty. I turned off my car and stepped out, and headed for the elevator. Once it opened up on my floor and I opened the door to my apartment, I spotted Jack sitting out on the terrace, warming himself near the fire pit, and staring out enjoying the Seattle skyline. He turned when he heard me open the door to the terrace.
“Isn’t it too cold to be sitting out here like that?”
“I welcome the cold,” Jack said, craning his head around, in his hand a glass containing my expensive liquor, as he watched me drop my keys in a bowl and rush to the cabinet for a bottle.
I poured a large glass for myself, then joined him out in the cold, handing him the bottle of Scotch to refresh his drink. Looking down at him, I said, “Come inside, Jack. I don’t feel like being exposed to the damp weather today. I’m not in the mood.” Jack followed me into the large room and sat across from me.
“What’s wrong with you, Jeremy?” I drank all of my liquor and placed the glass down, crossing my arms over my chest. I waited until the Scotch did its job. When the heat coursed through me and I could breathe again, I glanced across at Jack waiting patiently to hear what I had to say.
“Something happened to Carter,” I said, my voice subdued and low.
“Not again.” He blinked his eyes, narrowed his glance, then I heard a loud, “Oh my God.” The sound sent chills through me. Jack never was one to face his fears, and he’d never liked to show his feelings, but he loved Carter as much as I did. Jack wanted to take charge and help when Carter had been hit by a car. He’d been too upset to help him, and even as he got older he came to realize that Carter needed the type of help he couldn’t give him, and because of that, he disappeared out of Carter’s life by joining the Marines.
Signing up for several tours of duty in Afghanistan was Jack’s way of facing his fears and conquering them.
Jack had been concerned about Carter after the accident, but he never knew how to show his feelings. Everyone in the family took his lack of emotions as coldness, but I knew Jack. I knew how he felt, and there was never a moment when I thought he’d have the coldness of my other brothers.
Jack was my other half.
I knew myself and to know myself was to know Jack.
“When I said something happened to Carter, it’s not what you think. It’s Lindsey. She died last night in childbirth. I stayed with him during his ordeal.” Jack’s face turned pale, his eyes blinked incessantly, yet he remained unusually motionless and silent. He looked at me, but showed no emotions this time.
When he composed himself and focused on me, he uttered, “Why didn’t you call me?” It was a good question indeed. I chose not to answer it as I paused to think of an answer. With the long break in the reply, Jack said. “What about the child?”
“She’s fine.”
He offered a nervous laugh. “At least we finally have a girl in the family. What’s Carter going to do about raising the baby?”
“Carter left the hospital without seeing the baby. I don’t know where he is now. Maybe he needs time to himself, so I’ll give him that, and then I’ll go over and check on him. On his way out of the hospital, he said the baby wasn’t his, and he couldn’t take care of her.”
“That’s fucked up, Jeremy. Can I do anything to help you? I want to be of help this time.”
“Can you get a nurse to live in and help me take care of the baby?”
“I think I can come up with someone. I met her when I was stationed in Afghanistan.”
“I don’t need to know any more, Jack. Just get her and tell her I’ll pay her very well.”
“I’ll do it, but I want to be of some help this time. If you’ll put up with me, I’ll stay long enough to be of use to you. I can c
hange diapers,” he joked.
“Nothing as drastic as that,” I assured him.
“What? You don’t think I can do that? After what I went through in the war, I can do anything.”
“I bet you can.” I poured Jack and myself another drink. I think we needed as much as we could tolerate.
“I can even sit in on some of your meetings. I have a law degree.”
I thought I’d heard him say that he had a law degree. “You have a law degree? I thought...”
“Yeah. When you thought I was fucking around and getting into trouble after my tour was up in the Marines, I went to law school and passed the bar in several states. Washington is one of those states, so never fear, big brother, I’m prepared.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? That accomplishment deserves another drink.” After I poured another round of celebration, and the bottle was empty, Jack began talking more.
“I didn’t want anyone to know. You would have told Thomas and Jarrett, and you know what envious selfish bastards they are. They never wanted to see me succeed at anything because I’m gay, and came out when they asked me not to. Remember, they said I’d ruined their lives,” Jack muttered, dragging his words slow and raising his glass.
“I know, but here you are little brother, a lawyer like me.”
“Well, not exactly like you. I use my skills to give advice to special clients.” He turned to me and raised his glass again, and said, “You don’t need to know any more.”
“Then don’t tell me. I would rather you keep your secrets to yourself as long as they don’t harm the family. We’re a small family now that our parents are gone. You don’t have children and I’ll probably never have another one. And those brothers of ours are too busy running for office to give a fuck.”
“You left Carter out. Why?”
“Because he never should have had children in the first place. The doctor who put him back together said that his mind never would advance past being a teenager. That’s why he couldn’t handle anything. When Lindsey came along, he’d been enthralled with her, and asked me to help him get her, because he wanted to marry her. She loved him and I knew it. She was good with his boy-like behavior. Lindsey said that he was the only boy for her and she’d take care of him, and she did. But now she’s gone and he’s out there on his own.”
