by Sky McCoy
What was I to do? I was like a professional virgin who after one fuck, suddenly fell in love with that one man who took my virginity, and I couldn’t see tomorrow without him.
And holy shit, I couldn’t.
How the fuck had that happened to me? When Dorian finally turned to face me, he glanced at me with what I thought was disgust in his eyes. In all these years of fucking around with men and women, I’d found a man with principles.
Dorian obviously couldn’t stand me, and it would get worse if I admitted that now I had a child and hadn’t said anything to him, but I did and he hadn’t listened to me. I’d asked him if he wanted a family.
I knew that that excuse wouldn’t cut the mustard, especially since I had all night to tell him about my baby girl, and didn’t. I’d kept that from him because of my stupid insecurities. I never had self-doubt before. It was just that since I’d laid eyes on Dorian, I’d been uneasy, and uncomfortable in my own skin. What the fuck had happened to me—I knew. I’d never known a man I wanted to love and fuck, as much as I wanted to be inside this man’s body-warming cock, and have him tell me that it was okay and to be proud of being me—a gay man. Only he could say it and I’d believe it.
However, now my whole world was unspooling around me and I was trapped by my fears. Trapped by my insecurities, trapped by my lies, trapped because I found myself feeling something for someone I’d never felt before—undeniable fascination, lust, and love. A hell of a combination when you find the right person, I thought.
I placed my hand on his firm muscular leg. He shuddered, and then pulled it away, his fiery green eyes burning into me, searing my soul with that one gesture, sending me spiraling again into self-doubt, and wondering if I’d made the right decision about coming out.
He just stared as if to say go fuck yourself. I’d felt better if he’d said it out loud. It was the first time I’d been in love and serious about anyone, and now this. I had fucked myself good and I didn’t know how to un-fuck this, and get out of this maze I’d found myself lost in. It was like trying to get out of quicksand—the more I tried, the more I sank.
I angled my car to the curb in front of Dorian’s building, near the parking garage.
After cutting the motor, I turned and watched an anxious Dorian with his hand on the car door handle. He sat for a few moments as if going over in his mind what to say to me. I prayed that he didn’t tell me it was over. If that didn’t come from his mouth, at least I’d have a shot at mending this disaster.
When he didn’t move to get out right away, I reached for his hand. He looked down at my hand over his, and I murmured with a quiet voice that even I didn’t recognize. “Can I come inside with you? I’d like to talk to you, explain—”
“We’ve talked enough.” He pulled his hand away and reached for the handle. “There’s nothing more you can say to me that will change this. I liked you very much. You should have told me about your brother.”
I should have told him a lot of things, but I didn’t, and still I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about my brother and my daughter because this wasn’t the right time for that. I guessed that was what I had thought last time—it wasn’t the right time—and I didn’t know if it would ever be the right time to confess to a man that didn’t want children, that I had a daughter. Nevertheless, I’d lost ground and I needed to make up for it.
Dorian opened the door. I leaned and reached for his shoulder. “Dorian, I really need to talk to you.”
With the door open, the cool of the morning air hitting my face like a slap from a displeased lover, Dorian turned to face me, raised an eyebrow, and said, “You haven’t listened to anything I’ve said, have you? You just hear your own words. When will you listen to me or anyone for that matter? I can’t deal with you and that twin of yours. I feel used. You two are too deceptive. I think you should forget me. I once had a partner that cheated on me—”
I couldn’t let that stand where he’d compared me to his ex. “I’ve never cheated on you. I just didn’t tell you everything about my life.”
I didn’t know if it was the tone of my voice that put him off. I didn’t know what the fuck it was. Maybe me. Maybe my personality. If he’d become angry because of Jack, there was no way he’d forgive me if he found out about what I was hiding from him now. I’d lost him and this I knew. It finally dawned on me that now of all times, when I’d finally found a man I could love, he had values.
I admired his integrity, but that wouldn’t comfort me on a cold lonely night.
I leaned over, reached for his hand, hoping he’d see the sincerity in my eyes. The warmth for him that I knew he felt. I said a few words and he said a few. Maybe he said, “Goodbye, Jeremy,” and I may have mumbled that I loved him. I couldn’t remember because I heard nothing as he stepped out of the car, as he pulled his wrist and arm away. I could remember my fingers pulling at his shirt and I caught a piece. He dragged it from my fingers and left me glaring at the empty seat where he’d sat in silence, and at the door which made a muffled sound when he shut it in my face. I sat there and watched as he strolled up the sidewalk, his body tall and erect, his thin muscular frame strode away from me, and his jeans hugged his taut ass. All I could think about was how I would get him back. What did I have to do to win back Dorian Hart?
Dorian entered into his building, never looking back at me as I turned to my right, hoping he’d change his mind, peering through the window like a child outside a candy store who couldn’t afford the candy he wanted because it cost too much, and was out of his reach.
A cold chill ran up my spine when I realized that he’d meant what he’d said—“It’s over.”
I didn’t know how long I sat in front of his apartment building, listening to music when a call came in.
“Jeremy, what the fuck are you doing now? I tried calling you several times and you cut off your phone. I thought you’d be at your office by now.” The voice didn’t sound like Jack’s. There was immediacy and stress in his words.
“You know I left to take Dorian home while you were locked away in your room and I have to get to work. I’m late.” The car filled with silence. I waited for Jack to tell me why he’d called and why his voice sounded as if he’d been running a marathon. After a few seconds, “What’s wrong Jack?”
“It’s Carter.” I closed my eyes for a second. I didn’t want to deal with his shit now.
“Can’t you take care of it for me? I have so much to do today. I have the nurse coming in and—”
“He’s on the local news.”
“Oh Christ! What’s the fuck wrong now? Why would he be on the news?”
“He’s holed up in his office threatening to kill himself.” I pulled off, racing away from Dorian’s building. “Where are you now?”
“Outside his office trying to talk him into coming out. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone but you. I think he’s off his meds.”
“Did anyone call Thomas and Jarrett?” I questioned, turning the car in and out of traffic.
“You mean that fool of an older brother of ours, Thomas? And that other selfish bastard. What for? I tried calling Thomas and you probably know how that went. The cursing and screaming about why I am disturbing him with Carter’s crazy shit. Can you believe him?”
Yes I could. Thomas was all about himself and his political ambitions.
Jack continued, “I explained to Thomas that Carter had threatened to take his life. You would think an older brother would be a little more understanding and try to help. What a fucking narcissistic prick he turned out to be. He said he was too busy and that’s up to us to handle. He said that he’d talk to someone in the mayor’s office to keep the Westbrook name out of the news media. How the fuck does that help Carter?”
Jack had been right about Thomas years before and although I saw it, I didn’t want to believe him.
“That’s a cover for his ass. That’s for his benefit,” I complained. “I’m pulling up to the office building now. I’ll talk to you
when I get up there.”
RUSHING UP PAST LAW enforcement, who recognized that I was a Westbrook, after showing my identification. I took the elevator to the twenty-first floor. Jack met me. “He’s on the phone and he doesn’t want to talk to me. He wants you, Jeremy.”
Jack handed me his phone. “Carter, this is Jeremy. I’m going to call you on your phone. Answer please.”
“Okay, Jer.” That was all he said. The sound of his voice took me back to when he’d been six years old and Jack and I had been nine, but he wasn’t six, he was twenty-eight and how the fuck could I handle this now? I questioned myself. My glance swung to Jack, I exhaled and handed Jack his phone.
“Call my office, tell them I have a family emergency. You go home in case the nurse arrives. She’s your friend, so you take care of that, then I need you to call or go to the hospital and tell the pediatrician or the nurse on call that I’ll pick up Jacqueline on schedule.”
Jack glanced at me. “That’s a fucking lot of shit you have to contend with. I thought my life was complicated. So you finally named her. Good choice after mother. Now we have two Jacks in the family.”
“Jack, I don’t have time to talk with you. Just do what I asked. I have to get Carter out of the office and into a hospital. Please just do what I requested of you.”
Jack headed for the glass door out of the waiting room. Carter’s staff stood huddled together, whispering, probably wondering if they’d have a job to go back to.
I didn’t know and I trusted no one would ask that question.
Chapter 2
Dorian
The phone rang as soon as we pulled out of Jeremy’s apartment garage. He closed his eyes for a second, annoyed, looked to see the number, and hit a button on his steering wheel to cut off the car’s speakerphone and the incoming call. Jeremy reached for his cell phone, but before he could turn it off, it rang.
He rejected the call and placed the phone back in the holder, then glanced at me. “Yes. You were saying?” I suspected that he didn’t want me to hear his conversation. Another reason to distrust him. He’d gone on all night about me moving in with him, and after I refused his proposal of marriage, he didn’t mention that again. Now he didn’t want to have an open conversation with me listening. If you asked a man to marry you, why would you try to hide who had called?
“Don’t you think you should have answered that call?”
“They’ll call back, or it will go to voice mail.”
The phone rang again and I glanced at him. He finally answered it.
“I’m busy, call me later. I can’t talk now. I have company.” And then he ended the call.
“What do you mean you have company? It wasn’t an hour ago that you asked me to marry you and now I can’t hear your conversation? And what is this about you having company?”
“You can’t have it both ways, Dorian.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Either you’re all in with me, or you’re out.” I crossed my arms and looked forward.
“Is that how you treat someone. If they don’t make up their minds when you want them to, then you cast them aside?”
We stopped at the light and he glanced over to me. “You don’t understand, Dorian.”
“Then make me understand what the fuck I don’t understand.” The driver behind us blew his horn and then I heard it the second time. We sat at that light until a multitude of horns began blowing, and the noise cut through our anger and thoughts. Jeremy took his foot off the brakes and zoomed down the street.
We rode to my apartment building in silence after that, and honestly, I felt heat rushing through me after our argument, traveling down to my cock, making me hotter than I’d been in years, being near Jeremy and looking into those startling blue eyes with those dark thick luxurious lashes covering them. I turned away from him, not because I’d been disgusted with the lies he’d told me, but because I didn’t want to look at that handsome face and see his eyes pleading for me to not leave him. I didn’t want to go, but I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t ever be taken in by another pretty face, although his surpassed Phillip’s or any men I’d met in my life.
Those fucking blue eyes called to me, but I wouldn’t answer. I’d been too disappointed in my life to be taken in by another handsome face and a hard cock that fit me well.
I didn’t have the strength to get caught up with a man who had deceived me from the beginning by not owning up to being gay. If he could lie to himself for all these years, how could I believe that he’d come out now? Who was I that could cause a change in him this dramatic? I had no confidence in my ability to transform a man overnight. He had to do that himself. Hell, I’d known Phillip for years and couldn’t change him.
Hell, I couldn’t change myself, but I tried. I said that I would be Jeremy’s fuck boy if he wanted me that way. I’d been willing to stay in the back alley if he married Annalisa, if only I could be near Jeremy—do anything he wanted me to, but then I couldn’t. I couldn’t change how I felt when I thought he’d tricked me, and with of all people, his twin brother, Jack.
Jeremy thought that I should understand. He wanted me to understand. I understood alright, but I didn’t want that kind of man. I wanted him to tell me the truth. I needed the truth after what I’d gone through with Phillip. How could I feel this way when I’d promised myself never again would I get involved with a man who would mislead me? One that I couldn’t trust to tell me the simple truth.
Was that too much to ask for?
As I strode from his SUV, I sucked in a deep breath, my footing wasn’t stable. I wanted to turn and run back to the car and tell him that I forgave him, but my personality didn’t allow for that. I’d been pissed with him and myself. Pissed that I’d put myself out there and was willing to accept anything at first just to be near him and have his cock inside my body. As I walked, I could feel him inside my hole, as if he’d just fucked me. I wanted to turn around and rush back to him to hear what he had to tell me, but I kept walking and didn’t turn around.
There was nothing I had to say to Jeremy today. Maybe tomorrow after I’d settled down and considered his arguments, and tried to become more forgiving of him. Tomorrow was another day. Maybe tomorrow I’d wake and I’d forget how humiliated I’d felt in front of Jack about myself. Tomorrow had a way of clearing up all that shit that happened yesterday if I didn’t dwell on the little things.
What the fuck was I getting upset over? I was the one who’d attacked Jack in that restaurant, I thought, but Jeremy was the one who had all the chances in the world to tell me, but he didn’t. Especially when he’d had me in my office. He’d had his chance then. Why didn’t he take it? Then, I wouldn’t be here obsessing over Jack and Jeremy’s deceptions.
Jeremy had lied to me and deceived me about Jack. I’d had enough of that with Phillip, and now he’d told me that if I gave him a second chance, he’d own up to being gay. How could I believe him when he’d said that he would come out of the closet by telling his family that he was gay, and that he wanted to be with me? I just thought he’d said that to get what he wanted and then he’d go back to his usual behavior—whatever the fuck that was—and whatever it was, I didn’t want it.
When I reached for the door handle in the car, he reached for my wrist. “Don’t leave me like this,” he said.
“How do you want me to leave?” I responded by freeing my nervous hand from his, because I was on the verge of caving.
“I don’t want you to leave me at all,” Jeremy said to me, his voice soft and apologetic.
“You left me no choice when you decided to mislead me with your brother.”
Jeremy skirted over those words, never addressing that statement. “When can I see you again?”
“I’m still your architect, but if you think it would be more comfortable to deal with Phillip, then call and speak to Phillip. I drew up the plans and most of my work is done. If you have any changes, he’ll be happy to make them for you.”
“What about you, Dorian?” Jeremy’s grip grew tighter and I pulled my wrist away and looked at him.
“It was you who said that you don’t mix business with pleasure.”
“Can you forgive me? It was done with the best of intentions.”
I didn’t say a word. I gazed into his sad blue eyes. Whose best intentions? And who did it serve? Not me, nor him.
“I’m not sure I can forgive you. I need time to get over you.”
“Why would you want to try? I know I won’t get over you, Dorian,” Jeremy said, placing his hand on the light scruff of my beard. I pulled away. By the sound of his voice he appeared to be sincere, but I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him just yet. I’d been injured by too many men, and Phillip, who I considered to be my best friend. That hurt cut through me and made a deep wound that Jeremy couldn’t close, and instead of closing it, he’d added another.
If I didn’t walk away now, I thought Jeremy would eventually hurt me, and that wound could never heal. I’d never been in love with Phillip the way I found myself in love with Jeremy.
Leaning and reaching for the door once more, I opened it and heard Jeremy say, “I had a perfect landing at the wrong airport. This has been the story of my life,” he’d mumbled, but I heard him, raised my brow and then frowned.
I turned to face him. “What do you mean?” I grumbled, not understanding completely how this fit our conversation. He glanced over at the digital clock on his dashboard.
Jeremy stared out at the road ahead before I stepped out of the car and closed the door. I didn’t turn around. I kept walking until I reached the door and strode inside the building, feeling as if I’d just fucked myself good with him. When I entered my apartment, I looked down at the street and saw Jeremy still sitting there, but he was talking to someone, then he pulled away quickly as if there was a three-alarm fire he’d been called to.
