Creating Ritual Play Spaces
In the kink community we create a wide variety of sacred spaces. Some we do accidentally, and some we charge on purpose. Some become powerful places because of the same intense work being done there week after week. Others carry the intensity of words like “Dungeon” or “Temple” and so take on a mystique all their own.
One way to evoke emotions and create sacred space is by changing the input our senses receive. It can take the person out of ordinary reality and into the remarkable by affecting what they experience of the space itself. By doing so, we create an envelope within which our magic can take place, build a cauldron within which our spells can brew. Examples of using these senses follow.
Touch.
Invest in a full cowhide to have them perch on the floor. Wear lace, fur, or a tight corset. Feel boots or heels wrapped around your feet. Slip on a pair of gloves. Feel bare skin against a cold unfinished basement floor. Do your scene outdoors, sand or sea or leaves under their fingers, and cool air blowing against your brow. Something as simple as laying down a velvet throw on a bed before your partner is tied to the bed can convince them they are not in their “normal” bedroom.
Taste.
Wear flavored lip-gloss. Kiss juice or wine between their lips, letting your partner drink from you. Make them kiss your boots before they can crawl into the space. Lick armpits.
Smell.
Light incense or scented candles (away from the drapery please, it spoils the mood if they catch on fire). Burn sage. Wear their favorite cologne or some leather conditioner if that is an aphrodisiac for them. Put either on the back of your neck so that if you sleep over, they will think of you the next night when they smell the pillows. Masturbate in advance, having the room “stink” of sex in advance for sex rites.
Sight.
If playing in a hotel, I like to come in before my partner (or blindfold them when we enter), and change the space. Cover up the TV with my drapery, or use the comforter from the bed. Put in red light bulbs, or cover the lamps with something to tint the lights. Cover the ugly paintings. Do a rope frame around the mattress, converting the bed into a bondage tool. Lay out my tools and fetish wear. Get dressed. Then I let them see the space. In the case of magic working, I will bring fabric paintings that feature Shiva, the Green Man, or Guanyin—whichever God(s) I am working with; they are lightweight and perfect for covering the bolted-to-the-wall art. Additionally, alongside the kink tools, I will lay out my athame (sacred blade), wand, tarot deck, sculls, or whatever other items I need to set the mood and remind them of why we are here.
Sound.
Invest in a mp3 player and portable speakers, or a stack of CDs and a CD player. Pre-program 1-hour, 2-hour, 3-hour, and all-night mixes, one for each that is slow and trance-like, and one that is a good beat for you to do cathartic or high energy work to. Or, mix music ahead of time specifically for that ritual (and have a backup mix or songs and the ability to skip tracks in case it turns out they hate Dead Can Dance).
For elemental workings, download water or wind sounds in advance. Sometimes, using the same songs with a partner as the first song and last song on a mix can help them always know when to “leave” and when to “come back.” Put all phones on silent (little will end sacred space faster than a loud phone call). Put up a “do not disturb” sign. As the Top, develop a tone of voice that can help them remember this is non-normative space, but make sure to remain authentic.
Spirit.
Cleanse the space in advance. Sweep out the unwanted energy of whatever might have been there before. Set the intent, individually or with your partner, as part of your space prep ritual. If you have a room in your home you can dedicate to this work, setting altars and creating this space in advance will increase the power of the space by using it over and over again for the same intent.
Sometimes we have to claim profane play spaces as sacred for the moment to be able to do our work. Over the years I have walked into a few different public dungeons or sex spaces and felt my skin crawl. Something was just not right there. Someone on that piece of equipment dumped a lot of emotional baggage, in that corner there is a pile of drama left behind. Not all of it is bad, or malicious in intent…it’s just not a good fit for our work.
If doing a scene as a ritual, consider grounding out the space you will be using in advance. Don’t do the whole space without permission from the owners; they may be very happy with the forces living in their space. I like walking around the area I will be using three times, while verbally or internally stating my intent. This lets everyone in the dungeon know you will be using that size of an area and they won’t set up too close. Consider also using a brightly colored rope to literally create a circle: you rope off the area, literally separating sacred and profane space, while simultaneously letting everyone else know to stay out.
In public spaces, using scent can be much less practical, and you may not have choice over the music, but the arts of whispering, touching and kissing can take on profound power. By becoming physically intimate (not necessarily sexual), you create the air of privacy even in public settings. If you are unable to control what your partner watches, blindfolds can be used to heighten their other senses. The opposite is also a good option – having partners face you and keep eye contact in ritual kink, creating the conduit between you, and in doing so block out the world.
Once the stage has been set for your ritual play space, consider what sort of entering of space you want. Some ideas are:
Partners enter side by side, and ground in formal prayer, setting the intention of their work out loud after calling the quarters
The Top is waiting, and the Bottom enters the space crawling or bowing
The Bottom is waiting in contemplation, and the Top enters
The Top and Bottom travel a distance to the location together, creating a pilgrimage to the ritual play site
Enter any way they choose, but the scene begins when a collar is placed on, a specific word is said, when the rope is pulled out, or some other cue
Whether you choose a formal or informal start to your Sacred Kink activities, make sure everyone is on the same page. If one person was waiting for the high formal ritual, and the other thought that by entering the space everything has begun, confusion can arise. Some people will choose one sort of start for sacred scenes as offerings to the divine, and another for magical working scenes, and others for just having a good time.
As we look at how scenes start, we should also consider how a scene should end. I encourage you to consider having the same degree of formality that was chosen for the start. If you had a high drama, full costume production, don’t end with a kiss on the cheek and turning on the TV. By instilling an ending to your scene, you are creating a symbolic act that informs the universe at large that you are done. Imagine starting an ordeal, having to stop for health reasons, but not telling the spirits you invoked? They might keep the ordeal going, thinking that the health issues are just part of the ordeal experience!
In the occult order of the Golden Dawn, when they are done using the space for magical working, a common way to clear the energy is to firmly knock on the furniture three times. For the kink community, this can be a removal of a vest or collar, taking a long shower, leaving the space that the play took place in, or changing the senses back to normal by letting down the circle, turning off the music, or uncovering the television. Your own in advance, or even create an ending on the spur of the moment, tohelp bring all parties out of their altered states of consciousness and back to the world at large.
Rituals that Serve or Serving your Rituals
When people refer to dominant/submissive (a.k.a. D/S, D/s) in kink, they could be referring to two very different things. The first is a D/s scene, in which one partner in a dynamic asserts their will and has their ideas and desires being followed for a pre-met period of time, while the other partner submits or yields to that will. This is distinctly different from a D/s relationship in which
that assertion of will and ideas and desires followed are for the duration of the relationship. There are relationships which might dance back and forth between egalitarian partnership and D/s dynamics, but the difference is important. Some people interested in D/s want it for hot play, and others want it as a way to live.
Some might argue that those living D/s whose identity or role is intertwined with this type of power exchange are living something “deeper,” but in the path of ritual that is not as key as whether power exchange is for a scene at a time or for longer periods of time. That concept will be addressed further in the Path of Asceticism. Designing rituals and protocol systems for individual encounters is simply different than ones to be used day-in and day-out. Neither is better or worse, more “real” or less “real.”
Why D/s?
When considering which traditions to follow or be inspired by, I usually have to ask myself what I want to get out of my protocols. I also need to make sure my partner(s) have asked themselves the same thing. Examples of what we might want include:
Fun or Sillines
Feeling safe
To express love
Because it comforts me
Formality
To be happy
A lifestyle to live by
Strictness
Sexual Fantasy
Bringing honor and joy to my partner
Energetic flow/feeding
Because I will do anything for them
Connection-building
Having control, or handing it over
Having someone guide my life
To be an extension of my Dominant (you represent me)
Establishing a specific dynamic (professional, sexual, service)
All of these have the capacity to be tools for the Path of Ritual. They are also all tools whether building a relationship or a single scene. Those desiring strictness for the ritual purpose of needing focus towards a specific spell might do a single scene in which they will be guided by a dominant partner keeping that focus with a strict hand. A Vampire/Thrall pairing might have the Thrall enter a scene ready to surrender their chi to their Vampire as an act of submission received with a loving heart. A sacred sexuality circle might submit to the will of their dominant Priest, who will them them through a series of activities using a firm hand and rituals to guide the way.
Hot Porn
It seems like the majority of dominant partners depicted in pornography are crazy. Dominatrices in tight latex give boys very explicit instructions, and when they do the job well, they undo the work and make them do it again. Instead of giving their property projects that can get done, leather clad Masters with bulging biceps tell them to scrub an entire warehouse floor with a toothbrush, only to beat them for not getting it done 30 minutes later. Double standards, codependency, lack of follow through, changing rules to suit their whims, and expecting to be treated like Divas abound.
Their simpering porn Slaves are not much better. Some were taken against their will, and yet deep in their heart turn out to be submissive, always longing for this life. Others are whining creatures who couldn’t care for themselves, let alone truly serve anyone. All of them seem to be able to bend into impossible positions and hold them for weeks on end. And most of them seem perfectly happy to be emotionally, sexually and psychologically abused.
But what most of us in porn-viewer land forget is that in the bulk of kinky porn, that bondage position you had upon your computer screen all day was only held long enough to get that shot. The incredibly complex systems of protocols that they demand only live for the 45 minutes of film they occupy. They are paid to remember all of those contrivances, rather than design systems that actually have to last for a full evening, a weekend, or let alone day and night for the length of a relationship.
The rest of us live in reality. Yes, we can create or own reality, but as shards of the divine crafting our own universe, what sort of rituals and systems do those of us who long for Dominant/Submissive (D/s) or Master-Mistress/Slave (M/s) truly long for? What rituals will actually work in our lives, and not just make for good masturbation material?
Relationship Styles
Though relationship interactions within a tribal culture are important, we first need to examine our own relationship. Our dynamic might be that of a Daddy/Boy to Mistress/Slave, Owner/Property to Sensei/Student, Handler/Pet to Babysitter/Baby. Perhaps you are drawn to roles inspired by literature or history such as Gorean/Kajira, Vampire/Thrall, Muse/Artist or Lady/Knight/Vassal. Sacred Kink explorers specifically might be called to God(des)/Priest(ess)/Worshipper dynamics… no matter the archetype chosen (if any is chosen at all), it is what one does with that archetype that matters.
In the case of a Goddess/Priestess dynamic, consider which Goddess you are speaking of. Are you more of an Artemis or an Athena? Even Athena had many sides as the warrior maiden Athena Parthenos and the serene earth goddess Athena Polias. No two dynamics are identical, even when they share identical terminology.
You don’t have to know what your dynamic is from the start, but knowing what you think of your relationship can be helpful for designing rituals that help strengthen it. Note that I said “what you think,” not what everyone else thinks. Just because someone else you talk with online says that you’re not “really in a Handler/Pet relationship” does not mean you are not. They are not living your life. You may be a different sort of Handler or a different sort of Pet than they are used to. They may be a Pony, and you may be a Python. They don’t know what your life looks like.
What rituals will strengthen your relationship? Instead of choosing hot protocols that look good in smut, consider what kind of relationship you want to build together, and then fill in the protocols to match. I have seen too many people who have lost sight of the why of being together, the relationship getting lost in the trappings, the protocols. They find themselves serving their rituals rather than their rituals serving them.
Sometimes, we can be inspired by classical systems of protocol already designed—just plug in your own details and it’s ready to go. This does not make them worse than custom-made systems, nor better. They just are. Sometimes, when using previously created systems, we can tap into peer-support networks that are using similarly inspired systems. But we may also end up tapping into previously existing dramas and expectations. Both directions have value, depending on your personality style and what you want out of D/s and M/s systems. Some styles of protocol common within the kink communities:
Old Guard
There are a number of different Old Guard systems that exist, all based off of a mix of leather and motorcycle club traditions, military systems, an adherence to local/club/family tradition, and a system of mentorship before gaining respect. Many of these systems are newer interpretations of the power mythologies out there.
Military
Army, Navy, Marine… even the Scouts. All of these groups are great places to find ideas for building systems of your own. For those entering into relationship with individuals who have served in the Armed Forces, understand that your partner comes pre-programmed. For some of these individuals, their branch of service will always be their partner, and thus you will have to share. Tread with caution and a loving heart.
Edwardian/Victorian
Historical service systems are a rich possibility. High tea, white gloves, proper posture, butlers, ladies-in-waiting and the like are in our collective consciousness.
Swinger
Not usually looked upon as a D/s system, this certainly has its own unique sets of etiquette, protocols and power exchanges. The Swinger community uses non-verbal communication far more than verbal negotiation. Winks, nods, knees brushing and casual flirtation is filled with rich innuendo. A similar yet completely different tradition has grown up in men’s bath houses and anonymous sex spaces, where a lingering stare is an invitation to get to business.
Monasticism
Christian and Buddhist monastic traditions can both be places from which to
pull systems of honor, protocol, and strict ritual to a higher power. I have seen a number of D/s households over the years that look more like a monastery or nunnery than your “average” porn M/s, each individual doing their work for the greatness of the whole, dedicated to a higher power than themselves.
New Guard
Part rebellion to the Old Guard tradition, part evolution of tradition changed by technology and sharing ideas, part impassioned individuals longing for something more, this group pulls from a wide variety of sources to create its protocols. They are together in their uniqueness of expression, each laced with pieces of the past. There have been arguments over the years on whether some Old Guard groups are in fact New Guard. My question is whether the practitioners find value and personal growth in what they are doing. Or, as sexuality educator and Ms. Oregon Leather 2007 Coral Mallow once said, “I am neither Old guard nor New Guard—I long to be Unguarded.”
1950s/Household
Sometimes crossing over to Christian Domestic Discipline, the concept is that the Man is the head of the household and his wife is to be his subject and see to his needs. Hairbrush spankings for punishment, and dinner on the table by 6:30pm. This model has also been perverted by 1950s fetishists in the lesbian community as well, and reverse 50s households hold similar standards for a Wife on top.
The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond Page 19
