by Clara Reese
I stand there looking down the hall for some time. I feel kind of shell-shocked, like a just ran through a minefield. Katrina came at me like a volcano, and her fury left a massive trail of destruction across my heart.
I can’t just trust her. I can’t. I got burned too many times before Addy. My God, the only reason I believed she loved me is because she kept refusing my gifts. I tried everything to get her attention. It didn’t matter how expensive, how exclusive, she would send it back to me. Usually with a note like ‘boring’, ‘too commercial’, or ‘are you serious?’
A smile springs to my lips as the memory warms me. Addison refused every single one of my gifts. She showed me she was completely unimpressed by my money. One day, I sent her a bunch of flowers. Not something you can buy in a store though.
On one of my many holidays as a kid, I was taught how to make woven flowers out of spare pieces of wood, flax and straw by some poor village women. Somewhere in Romania, I think. When Addy kept refusing my store-bought gifts—even a $10,000 diamond broach—I pulled out all the stops.
I carefully constructed a bunch of lilies and daisies over a matter of hours. When I sent it, I received a thank you in return. It was the first time she said ’thank you’ instead of ’fuck off’.
Next I volunteered at the soup kitchen. I donated half my clothes. By this time Addy was head over heels for me but enjoying watching me scramble for her attention.
I clutch my hands to my chest, trying not to cry. I want her to be here. I just want to see her, talk to her. Just for a moment. The pain is all consuming. I’m sitting on my bed, but I feel like I’m adrift on a vast, black ocean. I’m sinking and nothing can save me.
At moments like this, I can’t breathe. I can’t accept that she’s really gone. My brain pulls horrifying tricks on me trying to displace the grief. She’s just at the store. She’s at an art show.
I press my hands to my chest, and I hear a little keening sound coming from the back of my throat. I grab my phone and quickly stab the phone. I need Tricia.
“Hey, beautiful! How’s it hanging?”
“Trish?”
“Oh, whoa. What’s happening? Charlotte, should I come over?”
“I’m okay.” The words draw out on my sobs. Tears pour down my cheeks. “I’m okay.”
“No you’re not! Dawn! It’s Charlotte!”
There is a crackle as Dawn grabs an extension. They must be on the admin desk at work. Good thing, too. I’m not there and if I was, I couldn’t answer the damn phones in this state.
“What’s happening?” Dawn asks loudly, her voice full of protective concern.
“I’m okay,” I say again.
Dawn gives me her ‘mom’ voice.
“No, you’re not. What the fuck is going on?”
“I just asked her that.” Trish protests.
“Will you let her talk?” Dawn snaps back.
For a few seconds they just let me breathe. I pull out a tissue and mop my face, feeling calm settling over me as I immerse myself in their voices and the sound of the office going about its day behind them.
“It’s Katrina.”
“What? Why, what happened?”
“I thought it was going great! What do you mean?”
“Shut up and let Charlotte tell.”
“You shut up!”
I’m tempted to scream at them both to shut up, but I don’t have the energy.
“I held back some stuff from her credit card. I thought she was taking advantage of me. Now she’s just thrown all my stuff back at me and told me she doesn’t want any of it.”
Silence.
“You two were pretty talkative before. Now you’ve got nothing to say?”
“I’m not sure I understand.” Dawn says quietly.
“Yeah, me either. Help me out Char.”
“Well. I just wanted to see if she would be okay with me restricting her financial limit so I—”
“So, you just did it without telling her and then expected a neutral or happy reaction?” I can hear Patricia nodding sagely. “That sounds really mature, Charlotte.”
“Excuse me!” I snap at the phone. “I’m the one that’s crying!”
“Is she crying too?” Dawn asks.
“Well, yes, but—”
“Charlotte.” Patricia speaks firmly in a voice that says ‘forget Mom; I am Mom right now’. “I think you are getting in your own way here. Katrina is good for you. You’ve been practically singing.”
“I don’t sing.”
“That’s why I said ‘practically’.”
“I saw you eat a double chocolate donut the other day.” Dawn cuts in.
“What the fuck does that have to do with anything!” Trish yells.
“You haven’t noticed? She’s been avoiding sweets. I thought I was seeing things. But she devoured the whole thing.”
I drag my hand across my eyes. “I’m starting to think this was a really bad idea.”
“What, pissing off your new girlfriend? Upsetting her while she’s pregnant? Going behind her back without respecting her enough to talk to her face?” Patricia is brutal.
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Could have fooled me.” I hear Trish shove something into her mouth and chew and I know she’s eating because Dawn just mentioned donuts. Trish has poor impulse control.
“Yeah…Charlotte, I’ve got to side with Tricia on this one.” Dawn is speaking softly, and the confrontational edge is gone now. “She is your girlfriend, Char. I know you and she are doing this little dance around, saying that you aren’t together, but it’s bullshit. You care for each other. Besides that, she’s pregnant and you need to be taking care of her.”
“I am taking care of her!”
“Not like that.” Trish jumps back on the line, chewing noisily. “We don’t mean buying her stuff and sending her to a dietician. We mean caring for her, being nice to her. She’s all hormonal and shit, she’s in a new place. It’s stressful for her and the baby.”
“Well, guys, thanks for the support.”
“You’re welcome.” Patricia puts in a heavy dose of sarcasm to match my own. “Why don’t you get your skinny butt down here so we can berate you in person.”
I think of going in there to talk to Katrina. I think about staying here and being miserable, thinking of Addy. Wishing I could talk to her and hold her one last time.
“Okay. I’ll come into the office. I could stand to have something else to focus on today.”
“Alright! Now I can tell you how stupid you are in person!” Trish really never lets up.
“Well thanks, Patricia. You just give me so much incentive.”
“I would also like to berate you in person. I’m going to be compiling a list of reasons why Katrina is perfect and you’re a beast.”
“Thank you, girls.” I hit the ‘end’ button on their giggles. I get up and throw a few things into my bag, then head out the door.
I stay far from Katrina’s end of the house. I know I’ve got a big tangled mess there. I can’t deal with it right now.
I know she’s delicate and I should have treated her better. But I’m not perfect. Things are moving way too fast and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.
Scared of getting Katrina. Being happy with her. Those things scare me. They make me feel like I’m betraying Addy. But the biggest fear of all is that we’ll get it together and it’ll be great, but then I’ll lose her, too.
I’ve kept my heart locked up for good reason. Katrina may be forcing it open with her fire and her passion, but I don’t know if I can let her in. Not now. Maybe not ever.
27
Katrina
I storm down the hallway, anger and betrayal hot on my heels. When I reach my room, I shove my way past the door, slamming it behind me. Blistering tears scorch a fiery trail down my cheeks, and I try desperately to focus on taking slow, deep breaths.
This much anxiety can’t be good for the baby. I need to calm down, I kno
w I do, but I can’t seem to slow my feet as I pace the length of the room. Fury buzzes around me, filling the air, making each breath scrape down my throat like razor blades across soft skin.
Unspent energy courses through my veins, as my heart races out a marathon in my chest. I feel every beat pulsing through my body, echoing across nerves, vessels, and flesh. My hands shake uncontrollably, and I twist them together in a feeble attempt at dominance.
There’s a small part of my mind that wonders if the tidal wave of emotions washing through me have more to do with the out of control hormones surging through my body. Surely, I must be overreacting and blowing this whole situation up into something worse than it is. I flop down on the bed and wrap my hands over the round protrusion of my belly.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” I whisper. The words sound feeble and hollow in my own ears.
I haven’t known Charlotte for very long. Only a few short months, really. But I already feel such a strong connection to her. There’s no way the agony I’m feeling at her betrayal could be brought on by something as silly as hormones. Oh my god! Am I in love with her?
How could I be so stupid as to let myself get caught in this kind of situation again? It’s the same thing all over. I’ve let myself care about her so deeply, that I’ve given her the power to completely destroy me.
Obviously, she isn’t Grady. She hasn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain is just as severe. She’s controlling, maybe even manipulating, using her money, her power, her past to justify her actions. The betrayal tastes thick and rancid on my tongue. I’m such a fool!
A quick knock sounds from the other side of the door. I groan softly, grumbling under my breath. I don’t want to talk to her. I wonder how long it will take for her to get the hint and walk away if I just ignore her and refuse to answer the door.
The knock comes again, and I roll off the bed. My feet feel like leaden weights and my body feels heavy and foreign as I trudge across the room and reach for the doorknob. “Charlotte, I don’t…”
The words die on my lips and my breath stops in my throat. I can feel the blood drain from my face as time seems to stand still. My ears flood with the sound of rushing water, and my head gets heavy as a sense of vertigo courses through me. My breakfast threatens to make a reappearance, and I swallow hard as sweat beads across my upper lip.
Grady shoves across the threshold, slamming the door into my hip. I stumble backwards, losing my footing and landing on my ass. Rage radiates from his pores as he prowls across the room. He spins around to face me, a wild and crazed look twisting across his features.
“Did you honestly think you could hide from me forever?” he sneers.
“No, Grady, I…” I whimper, sounding every bit the broken woman he’s made me.
“Shut the fuck up!” he roars. The glint of cold hard steel in one hand catches my attention as he maniacally waves his arms over his head. A gun!
I cower against the wall, cradling my belly in my arms. “Do you think I’m stupid? Did you think you could parade all over the news with that rich bitch, and I wouldn’t notice?” he sneers. Spittle coats his lower lip, getting lost in the stubble along his chin.
I don’t say anything. I learned a long time ago that opening my mouth only makes things worse. The lessons he taught me are the kind that stick, the kind that have become an essential part of my DNA. They’re a fundamental part of who I am, as vital to survival as each breath that I take in.
“I can’t believe you’re shacked up here…and pregnant!” His eyes zero in on the small mound at my waist, as he points an accusatory finger my direction. “I’m surprised how easy it was to get into this place,” he straightens, almost relaxing, as he circles the room, picking up odds and ends, as if perusing an antique store. “I would have thought with all the dough this bitch has, she’d have better security in place.”
Janet! Oh god! I’m so stupid! I should have insisted that Charlotte find someone to replace Janet when she left. After everything I’ve been through, how could I be so naïve? I should have known Grady would somehow find out where I was and show up ready to do as much damage as possible.
There has to be some way to diffuse the situation, some way to calm him down long enough to get hold of Charlotte and the police. “How…how did you get in?” I whisper, hoping that his ego will keep him from throwing the small vase that’s currently clutched between his meaty fingers. Or from using the gun clenched in his other hand.
He lets out a mocking laugh. “It was so easy. All I had to do was dress up like a driver, say the usual driver was out sick for the day, and waltz right through the front doors. No one even questioned me or tried to stop me. Now, I’m taking you back with me.”
“I’m so glad you’re here,” I say. The only thing that matters right now is the baby. I’m absolutely petrified that the baby will get hurt. If he’s mad enough to kill me, there’s no way the baby will survive.
“Excuse me?” The shock on his face is genuine.
“I didn’t know you were out. I came here because I knew it was the only way to earn enough money so that when you were released, we could start a new life together. I love you.” The words are sour, leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
He just stands there, staring stupidly at me. The hand holding the gun hangs limply at his side. I use his moment of disbelief to my advantage.
“I want to make you a home. I want us to be happy, to be together. Charlotte has already given me quite a bit of money, and I even tricked her into paying for classes for me to become a nurse. I was going to tell you after the baby is born. I wanted to make you proud.”
I let the terror quivering in my voice come out as desire to please him. I let the tears pooling in my eyes be seen as love and heartache for him. He shoves the gun behind his back into the waistband of his jeans and drops the vase he was handling as he rushes across the room to me. Falling on his knees in front of me, he grabs my face between his beefy hands.
The pressure is like a vice as he squeezes, his hands shaking violently, rattling my head with the motion. “If you’re lying to me,” his voice is deep and rough, “I will kill you.”
I nod my acknowledgement, afraid that my voice will betray how I really feel. He presses his lips to mine, greedily, hungrily, invading my mouth with his tongue. I squeeze my eyes shut, trapping the tears behind my lids and choking down the bile that rises in the back of my throat.
I send up a silent prayer to whatever entity might be out there listening. If I can keep him calm enough, keep the fear tucked away, sooth whatever lingering doubt he has, regain his trust, then maybe we can survive this. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Charlotte’s baby is okay. That my baby is okay.
With that thought, I know what I want. And that’s Charlotte. I want a life with her, a life with our child. Whatever we were arguing about before seems trivial compared to what is happening now. In that moment, I know the lengths I’m willing to go to protect what I love, and as long as there is still breath in my lungs, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we survive this.
28
Charlotte
Charlotte,
Can you believe it? You’re going to be a mom! I’m so happy for you and so lucky to be a part of this journey with you. Thank you for allowing me to share it.
Katrina
Charlotte,
Thank you for letting me into your life. I know it wasn’t an easy decision for you to make. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to explain how much it means to me…that you were willing to take a chance on me. I hope someday I’ll be able to.
Katrina
Charlotte,
Last night was…I don’t even know if there are words to describe it. You are the most beautiful, capable, strong woman I have ever met, both inside and out. I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Katrina
Charlotte,
I felt the baby kick today! It was the weirdest, most exciting thing I’ve ever f
elt in my life. I wish you had been here.
Katrina
Dozens of emails litter my inbox. Katrina has sent no less than one a day since moving in with me, sending them while I’m away or at work. They’re all so innocent, sweet, and so very thoughtful. Even Addison never did anything like that when she was alive. A deep ache fills my heart at the comparison.
Maybe I was too hard on her. Did I overreact? Nothing that Katrina has done, in her actions towards me or the baby, should have ever made me think that she was anything but genuinely sincere in her feelings. God! I’m such a bitch. How could I be so heartless?
She hasn’t had it any better than I have. If anything, her situation is so much worse. Yes, I lost the love of my life, but at least Addison never hurt me. Poor Katrina, to have the person you love, hurt you so deeply, to scar your body and your psyche…I can’t even imagine.
She put all her trust and love into Grady and he destroyed her, beat her down until she was nothing but a shell of a human. I’ve seen the love that she’s capable of, experienced it firsthand. And what did I do? I turned around and threw it back into her face like it was worthless, like she was worthless. I’m no better than he is.
The look on her face this morning…I treated her like she was a greedy, money hungry, gold digger. When, in fact, I was the one who talked her into the contract to begin with. She had turned me down, and I just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
I hurt her so profoundly when we fought this morning. I knew it then. She turned into a ghost right in front of me. The light disappeared from her eyes as devastation creased her brow and marred her beautiful features. I was so callous, so uncaring.
I want to love her. I do love her. I’m just terrified of what it would mean if I were to lose her. But do I really want to live like this, to live without her? I’ve been so lonely for so long, holding everything at bay that might mean anything to me. I can’t keep doing this.
