by Jae
Her mother gasped. “F-fifteen years? You kept this from us that long?”
Ash lowered her head at the hurt in her mother’s voice. “I didn’t want to, but I was too afraid to tell you.”
“But we could have helped you to…to overcome this!”
“There’s nothing to overcome.” Ash lifted her head and made eye contact, hoping to reach her parents. “This is who I am.”
“No, it’s not. It can’t be.” Her father started pacing again, back and forth like a caged animal. “We didn’t raise you to be…” He couldn’t even get the word out, as if saying it would make it true. “…like that.”
“Raised me?” Ash shook her head. “That’s not how it works, Dad. You can’t raise someone to be straight. You either are, or you aren’t. And as much as I’ve tried to pretend otherwise, I’m not.”
Her mother began to sob. “How could you do this to us after everything we’ve been through?”
A wave of frustration and despair surged through Ash, nearly making her break down in tears too. Were they even listening to her? “I’m not doing anything to you. Don’t you understand? This has nothing to do with you. I’ve tried so hard to be the way you wanted me to be. I’ve tried to be the perfect daughter for you. I’ve tried to be straight, like Missy. I did everything I could not to cause you more pain. But I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”
“So you’re planning on making this public?” Her mother groaned into her hands. “Oh my God, Ashley! Can you imagine what people will say?”
“Yeah, Mom. I can imagine it very well.” Ash’s voice was rough with bitterness. “I’ve heard what they said about Leo and Holly, and I don’t have Leo’s celebrity status to protect me. I know it’ll be tough, especially at first. That’s why I need your support now more than ever.”
Her mother gripped Ash’s hands with both of hers and squeezed almost painfully tight. “Why does anyone have to know? You’re risking your reputation and your business! Mrs. Beasley will try to get her husband and her Bible study group to boycott your shop.”
“I know, Mom. But I can’t go on like this, always pretending. It’s killing me inside.”
Her father flinched at the word killing.
“Not like that,” Ash said quickly. “You never have to worry about me harming myself. I wouldn’t do that. I meant that it’s breaking me apart.” She pressed one hand to her chest as if to make sure it wouldn’t burst open. “Do you have any idea what it’s been doing to me, always having to lie and hide a part of myself? I tried to convince myself that I could still have a fulfilling life, and I wasn’t exactly unhappy for a while, but now…”
“Now?” her mother prompted quietly.
At least she seemed to be listening now. “Do you remember what Dad said a few months ago? That I’d find someone and fall in love, probably when I least expected it?”
Her mother nodded reluctantly.
“I think it’s happened,” Ash whispered.
“You’re in love…with Sasha Peterson?” Her mother sounded as if she couldn’t imagine it any more than she could picture a spaceship full of tentacled aliens landing on earth.
Ash held her gaze, even though it was difficult after years of hiding. “Yes, I am.” She sniffled. “She’s wonderful, Mom.”
“I don’t doubt that, honey. She seems very nice. I have absolutely nothing against you being her friend. But if she were your…” Her mother waved her hand as if she didn’t even have a word for what Sasha could be to Ash. “That’s not something your father and I can support.”
The tears that had burned in Ash’s eyes finally spilled over. She tried to wipe them away, but they were coming too fast. While their reaction wasn’t a surprise, it still hurt to actually hear the words and to face that kind of loss again. “What does that mean? You’re just going…” A sob rose up her throat, and she could barely get out the rest of the sentence. “…cut me out of your lives?”
Her gaze darted from her mother to her father, who had both hands fisted in his graying hair as if wanting to tear it out by the roots.
Her mother sank onto her chair and buried her face against her arms. Her sobbing filled the silence.
Her father walked over to her and put a hand on his wife’s heaving shoulder. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes too, and that shook Ash to her core.
She’d seen her father cry only once—the day Melissa had died.
Her throat burned. She could no longer speak. She stared at him, waiting for the inevitable. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that he’d order her out of his house and tell her to never return.
His Adam’s apple jumped as he swallowed several times. “I’m not gonna lie. I don’t like this…you being…” He waved his hand, apparently unable to even say the word gay. “I’m not sure I will ever be able to accept it. But to cut you out of our lives?” He roughly shook his head. “I could no more do that than cut out my own heart. I lost one daughter. I won’t lose another, no matter what.”
No matter what. He had unknowingly echoed Sasha’s words. Hope flickered in Ash. “Y-you won’t,” she choked out. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
Her mother jumped up and nearly tackled Ash in a desperate embrace. Her body shook in Ash’s arms.
Her father walked over and put his arms around both of them. They stood clinging to each other in the middle of the kitchen for quite some time.
“I just want to be happy,” Ash sobbed against her mother’s shoulder.
“I want you to be happy too, honey. That’s all I ever wanted.” Her mother pulled back a little to brush the tears off Ash’s face. “But why does it have to be with…with another woman?”
“I don’t know why, Mom. It’s just the way I am, and it’s not something I can change. God knows I tried.”
Her father heaved a sigh. “I can’t pretend I like it—or promise I won’t break some noses if I hear people around town talk about you.”
It wasn’t exactly warm-hearted acceptance, but at least he was ready to defend her to the town gossips. His protectiveness soothed Ash’s raw emotions, even though she didn’t want him to break any noses. “Thanks, Dad, but I think I’m old enough to defend my own honor.”
He cleared his throat. “You’ll always be my little girl, no matter how old you get,” he said, his voice rough with emotion.
Ash struggled against a fresh bout of tears.
Her mother trailed her fingers through Ash’s hair as if trying to get used to the new length. “What you said earlier…about you trying to be like your sister… I never wanted you to be like Missy or to replace her,” she said in a whisper. “No one could ever replace Missy, but that doesn’t mean we love you one bit less than we loved her. You know that, don’t you?”
Ash nodded, the lump in her throat preventing her from speaking. But maybe she had needed to hear it anyway. She squeezed both of her parents one last time and then let go. “I think I’d better get back to the wedding.” She gestured toward the barn. “I kind of ran out of there when Jenny told me you’d come in. Were you looking for me?”
“No, we…we wanted to extend our congratulations to your friends. We might not agree with their, um, lifestyle, but…” Her mother shrugged. “Well, it’s the neighborly thing to do, especially since we’re letting them use our barn. Will you tell them for us?”
Ash nodded. Her parents might not be passionate supporters of LGBTQ people, but they were trying in their own way.
Her parents walked her to the back door.
“You’ll be coming for lunch tomorrow, right?” her mother asked. “I thought I’d be making a tater tot casserole for the three of us.”
The three of us, Ash mentally repeated. The message was clear: The invitation had been extended just to her, not to Sasha, even though her parents now probably assumed they were a couple.
They ha
d a long road ahead of them as a family, but at least they hadn’t cut her out of their lives. Maybe someday her mother would make tater tot casserole for four.
Okay, now she was getting ahead of herself. She hadn’t even talked to Sasha—really talked to her—since Sasha had told her she couldn’t do that back-and-forth anymore and had walked out on her two days ago.
She hugged her parents, who both held on for longer than they usually did. As she stepped out into the yard, they stood at the open door and watched her as if she were an explorer setting out to sail across unchartered, shark-infested waters.
Once Ash had reached the darkness away from the house, where her parents could no longer see her, she paused and stared up into the sky. It was filled with stars.
The night air was cool on her bare arms since she’d run out of the barn without the cardigan sweater she had draped over the back of her chair earlier. But Ash barely felt the cold. A strange lightness came over her, as if a cloak had been placed on her shoulders that made her invincible. She knew that feeling would fade. By tomorrow, the talk buzzing around town would probably hurt like hell, but for now, she’d enjoy this feeling of vast relief.
Sasha leaned against the barn’s doorframe and stared out into the darkness, trying to make out any movement. Would Ashley even be coming back?
Of course she will, she told herself firmly. She wanted to believe that Ashley wasn’t like her mother, who’d left for good, but those old fears were hard to shake completely, especially after waking up alone twice in Florida.
“Hey.”
A soft touch to her shoulder made her turn.
Holly stood in front of her.
“Hey,” Sasha said. Since she’d been busy with last-minute preparations for the wedding, she hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to her best friend all day. “Have I told you what a wonderful ceremony it was and how beautiful you look?”
“Thank you. You look pretty dapper yourself.” Holly tugged on Sasha’s bow tie. “I couldn’t help noticing that it’s the same color as Ash’s dress.”
“Um, yeah.” Sasha shifted her weight. For a moment, she thought about telling Holly it was probably just a coincidence, but that didn’t feel right. Deep down, she knew it was so much more, and she had promised Holly she would tell her if there was ever something interesting going on in her love life. She had brushed Holly off in Florida, but now it was time to make good on that promise. “Remember when I promised to let you know if I ever get involved with someone new? Um, well, I have something to tell you. I think you might have already figured it out, but I wanted you to hear it from me.”
Holly smiled. “Thanks for telling me. So, what exactly is going on between you and Ash?”
A sigh escaped Sasha. “I’ll tell you when I know. Just two days ago, she didn’t stop me when I told her I can’t play that hiding game anymore and walked out, but today, she danced with me in front of half the town.”
“That surprised the hell out of me. I didn’t think she’d do it, even with that little nudge Leo and I gave her.” Holly looked up into her eyes. “I hope that wasn’t a mistake. I don’t want to contribute to you getting hurt.”
Sasha squeezed Holly’s arm. “Don’t worry. I’m a big girl.”
“A big girl with a soft heart,” Holly said. “I normally wouldn’t have gotten involved, but there’s something about the two of you together… The Ash that spent the bachelorette weekend with us and the one who danced with you tonight, that’s not the Ash who tiptoed out of my house in the middle of the night and refused to be seen out in public together too often, even as friends.”
The thought of Ashley and Holly as a couple made Sasha’s stomach tighten with jealousy. At the same time, the idea of them together was so unreal that she almost couldn’t imagine it. “I think she’s grown a lot since then,” she said softly. “I just don’t know if it’s enough to—”
“To what?” Holly prompted when Sasha trailed off.
“To choose me…us over the safety of hiding herself away in her hermetically sealed closet.”
“I have a feeling it’s not so hermetically sealed anymore.”
“Holly,” Beth called from inside of the barn before Holly could say more. “The Mitchells are getting ready to leave. Can you come and say goodbye?”
Holly glanced over her shoulder. “Sorry. Bride duty is calling.”
“It’s okay. Go.”
Holly gave her a short hug. “Just for the record, she’d be stupid not to choose you.”
“Well, she let you go too, so…”
“Yeah, but that turned out to be for the better,” Holly said. “Ash and I were never destined to be more than friends, but I think she and you would actually be good for each other.”
Sasha had only ever considered carefree, spontaneous people a good fit for herself before now, but she had to agree. Someone as responsible and thoughtful as Ashley balanced her well. She could only hope Ashley would come to the same realization.
The reception was still in full swing as Ash crossed the yard, even though it felt as if a lifetime had passed since she’d left the wedding.
As she got closer, she made out a tall, shadowy figure standing at the entrance, like a silent guard. The lanterns from inside the barn backlit the powerful frame, creating a halo effect around their head and strong shoulders. The person’s face was obscured in shadows.
It could have been anyone—one of the wedding guests who’d stepped out for a breath of fresh air or one of the security guards—but Ash had no doubt who it was.
“Sasha?”
“I’m here,” Sasha replied immediately. Her voice, soothing and steady, was like a lifeline that drew Ash to her with two more long steps.
They both half-turned so that the light from the barn was hitting their profiles and they could see each other.
“Ash!” Sasha sucked in a breath and dropped the bouquet that had been tucked beneath her arm. “Have you been crying?”
“It’s okay.” Ash rubbed her face with one hand.
“No, it’s not.” Sasha wrapped the cardigan sweater she must have taken from the back of Ash’s chair around Ash’s shoulders and tenderly brushed away the tears with her thumbs. “What happened?”
“I came out to my parents.” Even as she said it, Ash could hardly believe it. She hadn’t thought this day would ever come—nor had she believed she’d still have a family afterward.
Sasha froze. “Wow! That’s… Wow.” Still cradling her face, she studied Ash in the dim light. “I take it they didn’t react too well?”
“Yes and no. There was a lot of crying and denial. It was a huge shock for them, and I don’t think they’re going to join PFLAG anytime soon. I was so sure I was going to lose them as soon as I told them.”
“But you didn’t?”
“No. I didn’t.” Ash’s voice vibrated with joy, and she didn’t try to control it. “They’re struggling. I think it’ll take them a long time to really accept it. But they said they still love me. Maybe it’s not much compared to your aunt, but it’s much more than I ever expected from them.”
“God, I’m so happy for you!” Sasha grasped her around the waist, literally swept her off her feet, and twirled her around.
Laughter bubbled up from Ash’s chest, loud and unrestrained. For once in her life, she didn’t care who heard it. Her arms went around Sasha’s neck, holding on as the world tilted around her. “Put me down,” she called but was still laughing.
Sasha complied, gently setting Ash on her feet.
The feeling of sliding down Sasha’s solid body sent shivers through Ash that had nothing to do with the cool night air.
With Sasha’s warm hands on her hips and Ash’s arms still around Sasha’s neck, they paused and stared at each other.
Ash couldn’t tell who moved first. It didn’t matter.
Th
ey came together in a kiss that set Ash’s world spinning again. She clung to Sasha as their tongues slid against each other, caressing, reconnecting.
When they finally broke the kiss, Ash felt as if every bone in her body had melted.
“Want to get out of here?” Sasha whispered against her lips, her voice rough and breathless.
Ash wanted nothing more than to finally be alone with her. “Yeah. Let’s go say goodbye to Leo and Holly and the gang.”
Without another word, Sasha picked up the bouquet she’d dropped earlier and placed her free hand in the small of Ash’s back.
“Um, Sasha?” Ash asked as Sasha guided her back into the barn. “Why do you have a bridal bouquet?”
Sasha chuckled. “Because I didn’t move out of the way quickly enough.”
Main Street lay in silence as Ash parked her SUV in front of the bakery and jumped out.
Sasha had already parked her own car and was waiting at the bottom of the stairs leading up to her apartment.
Ash took several eager steps toward her, then glanced back. Her steps faltered. If she had interpreted the heated look in Sasha’s eyes correctly, she would be staying the night. It was what she wanted too.
But that meant her car would be out here until morning, for the entire town to see. Her stomach tightened.
When Ash reached her, Sasha made no move to lead her upstairs. She looked her in the eyes as if knowing exactly what was going through her mind. “Are you sure about this…about us?” she asked quietly. “For the first time in my life, I can imagine having a real relationship with someone—with you, Ash. But I can’t be in this alone. As much as I want you right now, we’re not doing this unless you tell me I won’t wake up tomorrow morning and find you gone.” Her gaze was open and vulnerable. Sasha was putting herself out there, taking a leap of faith by trusting in Ash’s word, even though she’d run from her before.
Ash’s heart clutched. She knew how scary this had to be for Sasha. “You won’t. I’ll be here. Right here with you.” She pulled her down and kissed her as if to seal the deal, telling herself she didn’t care if any of Sasha’s neighbors saw them. She was out now, and she wanted to live her life—wanted to live it with Sasha, even though it was probably too soon to say so.
