‘Your mum is going to allow that?’ Heather looked at me in surprise.
I grinned. ‘She doesn’t know about it yet.’
‘I’m glad that some things stay the same,’ she replied, smiling back.
‘Excuse me, Heather?’ An older lady came over. ‘Can you help me find a book, dear?’
‘Of course, Mrs Smith,’ Heather said, jumping up. ‘Wait here,’ she added to us.
The lady started to follow her but then stopped, staring at me. ‘You look so familiar, dear.’
‘I used to live here. I’m Beth Williams.’
The lady turned that over in her mind for a moment. ‘Beth! Oh, my goodness, I used to teach you piano! Do you remember? Well, it was only for a couple of months until you announced you hated it and refused to play so your mother stopped the lessons.’
I shook my head, smiling. ‘I do remember. I’m so sorry, Mrs Smith, I hated being stuck in having to practise it. I just wanted to be out in the garden. Was I a horrible brat to you?’
She chuckled. ‘I’ve had worse, don’t you worry. Lovely to see you back in Glendale. I know your family have missed you while you’ve been living it up in the big city.’ She waved merrily as she went off with Heather.
I wondered if she was right; they had never actually said that to me.
When Heather came back, she signed Izzy up to the library and handed over the books she had picked. ‘Let me have your number, Beth, so we can arrange a night out. Lord knows, I’m in need of one.’
‘I’m relieved to see Glendale Arms is still open at least,’ I said, putting my number into her phone.
‘Yes. If the pub ever shuts, you’ll know that Glendale really is dead.’
Heather chuckled but I could tell how sad she was about what was happening to our village. It was weird how much I had put it all out of my mind in London, but being back in Glendale, I felt my old affection for it rising up again and I understood how she felt. It had almost changed beyond recognition. I was glad, at least, that some of the old faces were still around.
‘It’s been really good to see you.’
‘You too. We are definitely going for a drink while you’re here.’
‘Deal!’
Heather glanced at the clock and squealed. ‘We’ve been talking for ages, oops! I better get some work done.’ She looked at me and shook her head. ‘You always were a bad influence.’
‘I will forever plead my innocence,’ I replied with a grin.
Chapter Seven
‘You two must be frozen!’ Mum greeted us when Izzy and I walked in through the front door when we came back from the village. The snow was falling in earnest again and I was glad to be back inside. ‘What have you got there, Izzy?’
‘I got some books at the library,’ she said, showing the bag to her grandmother.
‘The village seems quite rundown now,’ I said as we shed our outside layers.
‘I told you it wasn’t worth visiting. We can go into Inverness once the snow clears a bit.’
‘But aren’t you worried about Glendale?’
Mum sighed. ‘People have to accept that some things need improving; we can’t just keep things the same as they’ve always been if it’s not working. Everyone around here is so afraid of change. The council wants to regenerate the whole area, and everyone is being very difficult about it. Good riddance to the place, I say.’
I was confused why my mother seemed so keen for the village to be redeveloped. I had thought she always loved the history of the place, the fact that the village and countryside were unchanged, that the community was so strong. It seemed that hiding herself away at the Hall meant she didn’t care as she used to. I felt like I needed to do something to change that, as it must have been because of me that she had stayed away for so long, but I had no idea what.
‘Are you okay to come up to see your great-grandmother now?’ Mum asked, putting an arm around Izzy. Izzy glanced at me to see what I thought about it. ‘She keeps asking after you.’
‘Now as you know, your great-grandmother has cancer, and is very frail,’ I said to Izzy. I had gone to see her alone first but now it was time for Izzy to say hello, and I wanted her to be prepared for what would greet her. ‘She may not be up to talking much but she’s been really looking forward to seeing you, so do you want to just go in for a few minutes?’ Izzy nodded but looked a little worried.
‘She’ll be needing her nap soon anyway,’ Mum agreed as we headed upstairs together.
Even though it had been a while since they had seen each other, Gran had always sent lavish gifts for Izzy’s birthdays. I had wondered to myself whether they were gifts to try to ease her guilt, but I doubted she would even admit that to herself, let alone anyone else.
We entered her room softly, but I was relieved to see that Gran was sitting up in bed, propped up with pillows, waiting for us. She was wearing a silk nightdress, her hair neatly tucked behind her ears. The room smelled of her lavender perfume, the old-fashioned scent she had always worn.
‘There she is,’ Gran said, smiling at Izzy. ‘You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.’
Izzy briefly glanced at me and we shared a look; she was forever being told she had grown a lot, like every kid was. She was going to be as tall as her father, I was sure of it.
‘Come and sit by me.’
Izzy went over and perched on the bed. Mum walked to the window and gazed out, fiddling with the gold chain around her neck. I went to sit in the chair by the bed. ‘You must have so much time to read stuck in bed all day,’ Izzy said. I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. I loved how innocently she framed the question. Of course Izzy would envy anyone able to read all day.
‘I find it hard to concentrate on books,’ Gran replied. ‘You love to read still then? Are you doing well in school? Do you like school?’
Izzy bit her lip. ‘It’s okay. I like the learning part of it and the books,’ she replied, trailing off a little at the end. I frowned, wishing it didn’t worry me that studying was her favourite part of school. I loved how seriously she took her schoolwork, of course, but I thought about Heather and all the fun we’d had in our classes and wished she had that too.
‘And what do you think of your first trip to Scotland?’
‘I love it so far,’ Izzy said, suddenly much more animated. ‘This house is so cool. I haven’t even seen half of it I don’t think. I love all the fires, and I can’t believe it actually snowed today! It’s like being in a book.’
I smiled as that was the biggest compliment that Izzy could give somewhere.
‘Well, I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying Glendale so much.’ Gran said. She looked over at me then. ‘She’s a credit to you, Beth, dear.’
I almost fell out of the chair. Even Mum turned around from the window. I had never had any praise from my family about my mothering skills. ‘I’m very proud of her,’ I said, once I had found my voice.
‘Caroline, it’s lunchtime, isn’t it? Bring some food up for us all; Isabelle, go with her,’ Gran said then. Her tone was familiar from growing up with her – such as to brook no disagreements. My mum glanced at me then nodded, gesturing for Izzy to follow her.
Once we were alone, Gran turned her gaze back on to me. ‘Come here, Beth.’
Dutifully, I got up and sat where Izzy had sat. Gran’s face was sallow and hollow, but her eyes were still fierce. Her bony hand reached out to touch my arm. I wondered what went through your mind when you knew that your time on earth was nearing its end. Did you think back over your life? Or did you think of all the things you’d be missing out on in the future? Or did you try not to think about any of it? Sometimes I wondered how differently things would have gone if ten years before Gran had told me she would support me. Would I have stayed at Glendale Hall? Would I have still gone to college and become a gardener? Would Izzy and I have been as close as we were? I tried to shake my mind clear. Questions like that could drive you crazy. I made my choice back then and we were where
we were.
‘You and Isabelle have a strong bond,’ Gran said. It was a statement not a question, but I nodded anyway. ‘Stronger than I have with Caroline and stronger than she has with you. I have been thinking a lot about the past. That day when I told you that you shouldn’t have your baby.’ She closed her eyes for a moment as if the recognition caused her a moment of physical pain. I wanted to tear my arm out of her grip as that night flashed back, but I stayed still. She met my gaze again. ‘I didn’t listen to you, to what you wanted. When I woke up to find the house in chaos and you gone, I knew that it was my fault.’
How could I respond to that? It was her fault. What did she want me to say? She waited for a response. I opened my mouth, closed it again, then tried a second time.
‘I wouldn’t have gone if you hadn’t booked a doctor’s appointment. I felt I had no choice.’
She nodded. ‘I know. I didn’t know what kind of mother you’d be, Beth, if I had known…if I could have foreseen Isabelle then…’
‘Why are you saying this now? You’ve never before shown any regret for what happened.’
‘I felt it, but I didn’t show it. I thought showing regret made me…weak. Now, lying here, I can’t stop thinking about the past. I want you to know you did the right thing. Ten years ago. Walking away like that. You’re so much stronger than me, Beth. All I cared about was trying to protect the family name. I didn’t know that being strong, being brave, being determined, they are the things to be proud of, not how we look to others.’
I stared at her. I was stunned to say the least. She was accepting that she was wrong. More than that, she seemed to admire me for what I had done. I never thought for a moment she felt like that. I thought they all still thought I’d done the wrong thing in choosing to keep Izzy. That they disapproved of me, of us, of our life in London. But it seemed as though Gran, at least, didn’t feel that way. ‘I wish you had told me that sooner. I wish you could have asked me what I wanted back then, that you had given me a choice, a chance. Maybe then we would all be closer. I was sixteen. I was scared and alone. So alone.’ I whispered the final words, choking up on them, as I thought back to that painful night.
Gran started to say something else, but the door opened and in came my mother carrying a tray, Izzy on her heels carrying a jug of juice, so she stopped. My mother looked at us as she entered, and I wondered if she had heard some of what I said. Her mouth was fixed in a straight line. Not giving anything away as usual.
I jumped up and backed away from the bed, hurryingly wiping my eyes so Izzy wouldn’t see that I was upset. I tried never to let her see me cry.
Turning away from them, I gazed out at the wintery wonderland outside and felt a little of the weight I had always carried around lift ever so slightly.
Chapter Eight
Izzy and I followed John out across the lawn towards the woodland area of the garden. It had stopped snowing, but it still lay thinly over the ground. John was going to cut down the Christmas tree and Izzy was eager to watch. Two men from a nearby farm had come to help and we stood there with Sally under the chosen one – it was huge, as John had promised Izzy, and would make a stunning addition to the entrance hall: the only place big enough for it, which was really saying something. As we waited for them to get it ready, shivering a little in the bitter wind, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out, I smiled at a message from Heather.
How about that drink in the village tonight? H x
I replied that I would meet her in the Glendale Arms at seven. It would be nice to have a distraction. My heart was still heavy from my conversation with Gran.
My mother had been even frostier with me than usual and I wasn’t sure why. Through the years, my parents had become adept at never mentioning the fact they hadn’t wanted me to have Izzy. When they had first come to see us, they had begged me to come back with them as if it had never happened, and I hadn’t understood why they had been so upset when I refused to. It had never really been mentioned between us again. But I was beginning to think that we did need to talk about the past. To have an honest conversation like the one I’d had with Gran, and maybe lay things to rest once and for all. I just wasn’t sure where to start.
‘Okay, here we go,’ John said, pulling me back to what was happening right in front of me. I put my phone away as the chainsaw started. We watched as he hacked at the bottom of the tree, the two men ready to help bring it down safely. I remembered watching John do this when I was Izzy’s age and it was nice to have her see some of the traditions I had loved myself. I realised that after I had left, I had thought more about the bad parts of the house and my family, probably to protect myself and convince my heart that I’d done the right thing in walking away, but there had been a lot of magic in growing up here.
I thought about Heather then and the village, and I turned to Sally. ‘I heard the library might close and some developers are trying to buy up the high street. What’s going on?’
Sally shifted on her feet. ‘Yeah, it’s been hard. Most of the shops have closed through the years; the village has been going downhill for a while. Apparently developers are offering the council a fair bit of cash to sell to them.’
‘And no one is doing anything to stop it?’
‘There would need to be a lot of money found to do that. I don’t think there is anyone willing to take the council on.’
‘And Mum and Dad haven’t got involved at all?’
Sally looked away. ‘You should ask them about that. I don’t think they’re as tied to the community as they were once. Which is a real shame.’
‘I’m really surprised,’ I said, thinking back to how much being part of Glendale had meant to them.
‘Beth, it’s not my place but—’ Sally’s words were cut off by the sound of the chainsaw getting louder and we turned to watch John finish cutting down the tree. I wondered what was making Sally look so awkward and I supposed I’d have to talk to my parents about it, which wasn’t something I really wanted to do but I just didn’t understand why they weren’t worried about the village. Something told me there was more to this than people were telling me.
I looked at my daughter’s face, watching in wonder, as the tree finally toppled over. We started clapping as it hit the ground with a loud thud. ‘This beats our fake tree at the flat,’ she said to me.
‘It does,’ I agreed. I was determined we’d get to continue our Christmas traditions up there though. As we walked back to the house, the men carrying the tree between them, I nudged Sally with my arm. ‘Izzy and I want to decorate the tree this year. We always make a day out of it at home.’
‘I think your mother has booked the decoration company, so you’d better speak to her about it,’ Sally replied with a look that said, ‘good luck’. Christmas wasn’t about making your decorations look like they could have come direct from Harrods’ windows, it was about having fun putting them up, getting into the festive spirit together. I left Izzy with Sally to watch the men stand the tree up and I headed to find my mother to plead my case. I might have been an adult, and a mother myself, but I still felt a flutter of nerves as I found her at the kitchen table having a coffee.
* * *
‘Room for one more?’ I asked, pouring a mug for myself and sitting down opposite her before she could reply. ‘We just watched the tree being cut down.’
‘Oh, I’ll go and have a look,’ she replied and started to move.
‘Wait. I wanted to ask you something,’ I said, quickly, and she paused. ‘Izzy is really excited for Christmas. One of the things she loves the most is decorating the tree each year. We usually make a big thing of it, put on music, bake some cookies and decorate it together. She would love to help decorate the tree here. I know that you usually bring in people to do it, but please, just this year, while we’re here, can we do it?’
‘I’ve already booked them for tomorrow,’ Mum said.
‘Mum, it’s Christmas, it’s all about the kids. Izzy is so excited to do it. W
e don’t have anyone here but us. Why does the tree need to look like some kind of showcase?’
She sighed. ‘It’s what I’ve always done.’
‘Don’t I know it? I always wanted to help do the tree when I was growing up. Can’t you see that doing things the way you always have isn’t working?’ I felt my voice starting to rise as my frustration grew. This was how I had felt as a teenager – that she never really listened to me. I took a breath and tried another tack. ‘Why not let us do it and if you really hate it then they can redo it? How about that?’ I suggested, trying to keep my voice as calm as I could. ‘Please, for Izzy?’
She sighed. ‘Fine, if it’s that important to you.’
‘Why don’t you do it with us?’
She looked surprised. ‘Really?’
‘It’s Christmas, Mum. Let’s decorate together,’ I replied firmly. I knew that Izzy would love it and it would be nice to show my mum that Christmas was a time for fun and family. Glendale Hall really seemed like it could do with a big dose of both.
Chapter Nine
It was freezing as I drove to the village to meet Heather, far too cold to walk. I wore my thick coat and scarf over my skinny jeans and black shirt but still shivered during the drive over. Parking outside the pub, the lights and noise emitting from it were very welcoming as was the heat from the crackling log fire that stood near the door when I walked in.
‘Beth!’ Heather called my name from a table in the corner, waving madly at me. I smiled and walked over to her. She had shed her outside layers and was wearing a long-sleeved wool dress, her hair curled over her shoulders. ‘You made it,’ she said as she jumped up to hug me. ‘I wasn’t sure with all the snow.’
‘I must admit after being in London for so long I’d forgotten how to handle it,’ I replied, pulling off my coat and scarf.
‘I got us wine, I hope that’s okay?’ she asked, sitting down.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 5
