I bit back a smile. ‘I wasn’t always that happy here, so when I left I didn’t really want to come back. And your grandparents always came down to see us, didn’t they?’
‘Didn’t you miss it?’
I started to say no but I realised that wasn’t strictly true. ‘I missed walking in the gardens, waking up on Christmas morning to snow outside and the smell of the turkey cooking downstairs; I missed summers lying on the grass under a tree dreaming of everything I wanted; I missed how safe and peaceful it was here. London was a big shock to the system. But I had you to focus on; I didn’t think about this place because I had so much else to think about.’ The house had shaped so much of who I was. I realised I had tried to block it from my heart, but being back, I did remember how much I had loved growing up here. My family were a different matter entirely but the house was special.
‘Why did you go to London, Mum? Why didn’t you stay here to have me?’
It was a good question with a potential thousand responses. ‘I thought we’d be happier there,’ I answered, halfway to the truth. ‘And we have been, right?’
Izzy seemed to be avoiding my eyes. ‘This house is a lot bigger than our flat. It must have been weird to go from this… to that.’
I smiled back. ‘It was weird, but it was worth it. I’m glad I got to show you this house though. You like it, don’t you?’
‘I love it here,’ she said, quietly.
I was about to ask why she was suddenly asking so many questions about the past, but then John brought in another box of tree decorations and Izzy hurried over to look. I watched her, pleased that she seemed to be enjoying Glendale Hall so much. But it gave me a small stab of guilt too. I used to be so sure I was doing the right thing in keeping Izzy from the house, and at arm’s length from my family, but things suddenly didn’t feel so clear cut.
Chapter Eleven
While Izzy was helping Sally prepare the dinner, I went up to see Gran again. My mum was in there sitting in the chair by the bed reading while my gran slept. ‘How is she?’ I asked, looking at Gran with her eyes closed, seemingly peaceful in her bed.
‘She’s been sleeping most of the day. The doctor is coming in the morning, so we’ll see what he says,’ she replied shortly. ‘I hope he can make her more comfortable.’ Gran started to stir then. ‘Mother, how are you doing?’
‘Just tired,’ she said, her voice croaky as she struggled to sit up. I started to move but Mum jumped up and hurried over to help prop Gran up on her pillows. She smiled. ‘You’re both here. Sit on the bed. Please.’ We both sat by her. ‘Family is so important, you know that, don’t you?’ She touched my hand. ‘Beth has come home finally. I know that things haven’t been easy between us but that has to change now. Life… it’s too short.’
I glanced at Mum who avoided my eyes. ‘I wish things were different,’ I admitted to them both, voicing what I’d been feeling the past few days since I had come home. Putting up the tree should have been enjoyable, but it ended in Mum walking out. I was grateful she had left the tree exactly as Izzy and I had decorated it, but it was a shame she hadn’t been able to enjoy doing it with us.
‘They can be. We just need to be honest,’ Gran said then. ‘I have something to tell you both.’ She started coughing.
‘You need to rest, we can talk tomorrow,’ Mum told her. ‘We’ll still be here.’
‘I have so many regrets,’ Gran continued, ignoring her. ‘But most of all that it’s my fault you two aren’t close. Beth, I see you and Izzy, and I wish it had been like that for you two,’ she said, her voice croaky. She reached for some water. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing. That it was for the best. But I know that it cost you two your relationship.’
‘What do you mean, Gran? What did you do?’ I asked, not sure what she was trying to say.
Gran closed her eyes, looking exhausted. ‘I’m just so tired.’
‘It’s okay, Mum, you go to sleep,’ my mother told her gently. ‘Don’t push her, Beth.’
‘But what is she talking about?’
‘She’s getting confused. She needs rest.’
‘But she said it was her fault we’re not close.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with our relationship,’ Mum snapped, standing up.
I shook my head. ‘You know that’s not true.’
‘She needs to sleep,’ Mum said, firmly, starting to walk out. I sighed and got off the bed to follow her.
‘Why can’t we talk about it?’ I asked, frustrated. ‘There are too many things left unsaid in this family.’
‘I don’t want to row, Beth. I’ve had a long day with your grandmother, I want to lie down. We can’t change the past. You left us. We can’t ever get those years back.’
‘So, it’s all my fault? Even though you all forced me to go?’
She spun around in anger to face me. ‘Forced you to go? How can you say that! Don’t you realise that you broke my heart when you left? Having you here with Isabelle, it’s what I’ve always wanted but it’s painful for me. I missed out on so many Christmases with you. I missed out on it all.’ With a sob, she pushed past me to her room.
‘But…’ Confused, I let the word hang in the air as I watched her door close. How can she talk about her heart being broken? If she had wanted me to stay, why didn’t she support me?
My hands rose up and then fell to my sides. As usual it was all my fault. The past had been rewritten by my family to solely blame me. I didn’t know why I was so surprised. I turned around and headed downstairs to the kitchen, desperate for the warmth, and love, of Sally and Izzy, because I sure wasn’t going to find it anywhere, or with anyone, else.
* * *
The following day, my phone buzzed with a call from Heather as I stepped out into the garden. The sun was out, and the breeze was gentle, so it wasn’t too bracing in my coat and boots. I was planning to find John and beg him to let me do something in the garden. I was feeling restless. Izzy had gone with Sally and my mum to do some shopping in Inverness, but I hadn’t wanted to join them. Mum and I weren’t really speaking, and I knew the atmosphere would be frosty. It was better Izzy went alone and actually had a nice day. As I trekked across the grass to find John, I picked up Heather’s call. ‘Hiya.’
‘Oh, hi, Beth. I just wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling about… everything?’ She said the last word in a whisper as if she was worried someone would hear her.
‘I’m okay,’ I replied. ‘It just hurt seeing him again, but I accepted long ago that he wasn’t going to be part of our lives. I just have to make sure I can avoid him for the rest of our stay,’ I replied, knowing I was avoiding speaking his name aloud because it did still feel so raw, no matter how hard I just had to convince myself, and Heather, that it didn’t.
She clucked sympathetically. ‘Hopefully he’ll just stay out on their farm. It sucks, Beth. Christmas should be fun but we’re both being put through the ringer.’
‘Why? What’s up with you?’
‘I’ve had the worst day! I was called in to the office by my manager, and it’s definite. The council are going to close the library in the new year. They have almost signed the deal with the developers. I knew it was on the cards, but I really hoped it wouldn’t happen.’
‘I’m really sorry, Heather. I can’t believe they’re going to let the library go. And they’re really going to turn the high street into flats? I just don’t get it.’
‘It’s so sad. For everyone. But everyone just goes into Inverness for what they need now. There’s no reason to come into the village, I suppose. I really don’t want to have to look for another job. I love it here. Ugh. But I think the council have given up on the village, and no one is doing anything to fight them. It seems such a shame that no one can breathe life into the Glendale again.’
‘Surely everyone who lives here wants to save it?’
‘Everyone I speak to does but no one seems to have any ideas as to what we can do. Everyone has just accepted th
at it’s inevitable I think. I better go, my break is almost over. I just wanted to check in on you.’
‘Thank you. And I’m really sorry about the library. We could meet up at the weekend, maybe?’
‘That would be lovely. I’m so glad you’re here, Beth.’
Heather hung up, and I put my phone in my pocket, feeling deflated. I decided I had to talk to my dad about what was happening in the village. Mum seemed not to care but my dad had always weighed in on things happening in Glendale. Surely, he didn’t want it taken over by these developers?
‘John!’ I called, spotting him pushing a wheelbarrow across the lawn. I caught up with him. ‘I’m going crazy inside. Let me do something please?!’
‘Today, I’m clearing snow. You want to help do that?’ He was grinning, a challenge in his eyes.
‘Perfect.’ I ignored his raised eyebrows and followed him to the shed, where he passed me a shovel. Then we went around to the front of the house where the snow still covered the driveway. The snow had turned icy now, no longer powdery and pretty, but sludgy and dark. It was hard work moving it into piles. Even though it was chilly, I soon shed my coat as I heated up with the manual labour. John whistled as he worked, no need for talking, for which I was grateful. I put all my anger and frustration and confusion into the shovel.
‘Here,’ he said, finally. He was leaning against his shovel and passed me a thermos. I stopped, standing up with a groan as stiffness had started to set in. I took a sip of the coffee and sucked in some deep breaths. I hadn’t done worked outside for so long, I had forgotten what hard work it could be.
‘Want to talk about it?’
I looked at him. ‘Where to start? I knew it wasn’t going to be easy coming back, but everything seems to be going wrong. My parents are barely speaking to me, Gran keeps talking about regrets and mistakes, the village is about to be bulldozed and Drew is back for Christmas.’
‘Sounds to me like you need to think about what you can do about all of that. It’s no good listing all your problems if you don’t also think about what the solutions might be.’ He picked up his shovel again. ‘You’re older now, Beth. You’re all grown up. It’s time to start acting like it.’ He started whistling again and carried on moving the snow as if he hadn’t just hit me with a verbal attack. I watched him for a moment, mouth open, ready to argue back but, how could I? I wasn’t the sixteen-year-old girl who left here ten years ago. I was grown up. I was a mother. I’d made a life for me and my child. If I had a problem with how things were at Glendale Hall then I had to try and fix them. Why did it always sound so obvious when someone else told you what you needed to do?
I sighed and picked up my shovel, hoping there would be answers somewhere within the snow. I knew in my heart the answer to all of it was to start talking. I needed to talk to my parents and to Gran. And there was a part of me that felt frustrated about my brief interaction with Drew at the pub. I had a lot of anger that I really wanted to let out. I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of him ignoring Izzy for all her life, but that would mean opening up all of my old wounds. Did I really want to face that?
I felt like crawling under the pile of snow I had made and letting it cover me, but Izzy would be home later, and I had to step up for her. She was enjoying building a relationship with her family; I owed it to her to try to heal some of what was broken between us, didn’t I?
And I knew, deep down, even though I had tried to deny it for years, that she wished she knew Drew. He was right here in Glendale. Should I let him walk out of her life without trying to get him to see her?
Chapter Twelve
We had a family tea that night. My parents were already drinking at the table when Izzy and I joined them. I eyed their full drinks. I was starting to notice just how much they drank. Apart from my night out with Heather, which I was still hurting from, I didn’t drink halfway as much as my parents seemed to now. I sometimes had a glass of white wine when Izzy went to bed but that was it. My mum had a massive G & T on the go, and my father a large whisky. Wine was poured out on the table as well. I had never thought of them as big drinkers in the past. It added up to another thing that no one seemed to be acknowledging in that house.
They were sat in silence when we walked in, and both turned to us, the relief obvious on their faces that they were no longer alone. Had they run out of things to say to one another? Was that just what happened when you’d been married for almost thirty years?
‘It’s the weekend tomorrow so why don’t we all do something together? Sally said there’s a Christmas fair we could go to,’ I suggested, brightly.
‘Your father is going to the driving range. Again,’ Mum replied, taking a gulp of her drink.
‘Surely, you can miss it this once, as we’re here,’ I pressed him, determined to draw a family outing out of them. They exchanged a long look. What was going on? ‘Dad?’
He sighed. ‘Yes, okay fine. We can go in the morning and I can go to my club in the afternoon, if that’s what you want.’
‘What will they have at this fair?’ Izzy asked me as Sally brought in the food.
‘Lots of stalls selling Christmas decorations and presents, and I heard a rumour that Santa might make an appearance.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Mum, you know Santa isn’t real.’
I sighed. I still tried to make her believe but everyone at school had long given up on the idea. As we tucked into the cottage pie, I took the opportunity to talk to my dad. ‘So, Dad, do you remember my old friend Heather? She works at the library in the village now, and she’s really upset as they’re going to close it down.’
‘Why would anyone want to close a library?’ Izzy looked up from her plate, glaring at her grandfather.
‘They’re not used all that much now,’ Dad replied. ‘Especially our one. People just buy books online. Plus, most of the shops are shut so there’s not much reason to go into Glendale anymore at all. The village is dead. It’s better for everyone if it’s redeveloped.’
‘But what about the people who do use it? Who can’t get to Glenmarshes or Inverness? Especially in winter. Or who can’t afford to? And the owners of the shops in the high street, they will be out of a job.’
‘They’re being paid very well,’ he replied, unmoved. ‘They can set up again elsewhere if they want to. The best thing for the village is if the council sell off the high street.’
‘But what about community?’ I turned from him to my mum. ‘You two were always all about the community when I was younger. Won’t it change the way of life here? How long before they offer us money to turn this house into a block of flats?’
Mum looked outraged. ‘Well, of course that won’t happen, I mean we—’
‘Caroline,’ my father said in a warning voice. Then he turned to me, patience gone. ‘Beth, this really isn’t anything to do with you. You’ve been gone for ten years and once Christmas is over, you’ll be back in London. I’m going to my study.’ He picked up his whisky and swept out of the room.
‘Mum, what the hell is going on around here?’
She pressed a hand to her temple. ‘I have a splitting headache now. I’m going to bed. I can’t take any more arguments, please, Beth. Good night, darling,’ she added to Izzy, picking up her own drink and leaving the room as well.
‘Does that mean we get their share of the chocolate cake I made earlier?’ Izzy said into the silence.
Despite everything, I chuckled, and she grinned, happy she had cheered me up. I leaned over to kiss her head, grateful we had each other.
* * *
As nine a.m. approached, I went searching for my parents. I wasn’t hopeful that after last night’s disastrous dinner they were still planning to come with me and Izzy to the Christmas fair, but I wanted to give them a chance to do so – for her. When I reached the drawing room door, I heard tense voices within. I paused, unsure whether or not to go in, then curiosity got the better of me and I leaned closer to the door.
‘I’m not
stupid. I know you’re not going to be playing golf,’ my mum snapped.
Dad sighed loudly. ‘You know I play golf every other Saturday. I can’t just change my plans on a whim.’
‘You mean you don’t want to.’
‘After yesterday, not so much no. This is a stressful time for you…’
‘Oh, it’s always my fault! I’m tired, David. Tired of it all. And Beth is not stupid, she can see…’ Mum’s voice grew quieter, so I missed the last few words.
‘She’ll forget about it all as soon as she’s gone,’ Dad said after a moment. ‘You know she will.’
‘I’m sick of all the lies in this house!’
I turned away, frustrated. So, they were lying to me. And maybe to one another, too. I supposed some things never changed. As I walked away as fast as I could, I saw Sally standing there. ‘Are they always like that?’ I asked her as she followed me to the hall.
‘Lately, more and more,’ she admitted.
I stopped before we reached Izzy. ‘Drew’s back,’ I told her. It was the first moment we’d had alone since I’d seen him. ‘I ran into him at the pub.’
‘What did he say?’ Sally asked, her eyebrows raised.
‘Hardly anything. He didn’t even mention Izzy,’ I replied, in a low voice, in case she overheard.
‘I don’t understand it. I honestly thought Drew was one of the good ones.’
‘Me too. I better go. Izzy deserves a fun day out.’
‘And so do you,’ she told me, firmly. She waved me on. I smiled at her and carried on into the hallway where Izzy was waiting for me. I was so happy we were both going out for the day. I hoped I could forget about everything and just have fun with her, but I wasn’t sure it would be that easy.
As I watched Izzy looking at the Christmas tree, a happy smile on her face, I suddenly felt ashamed. My parents were lying. But was I any better than they were? I hadn’t told Izzy that Drew was in Glendale. I was trying to protect her, I knew that, but it was still another secret under this roof.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 7
