I felt my blood begin to heat as I stared at the familiar handwriting. It boiled in the depths of my stomach and burned through my veins as it traveled through my body. My face flushed in anger. My lips pursed and my jaw tightened so hard that I thought my teeth might break. My hands began to shake. A low growl emerged from somewhere deep inside me.
“What the FUCK!?”
“Hey, Han! You got here before me. That’s a first.” Tobie slid into the seat across the booth from me. “What’s up with you? You look like you’re about to kill someone.”
I glared at him. I hoped that lazer beams would shoot out of my eyes and explode his body all over this restaurant. Fucker. I didn’t say a word. I was almost afraid to. Pure rage was spinning through my head like a tornado. Word vomit was creeping up from my stomach, seconds from spewing out all over the table. I pulled the little envelope out of my purse and slid it across the table toward him.
“What’s this?” he reached for it. I watched his face as he opened the envelope and saw his handwriting. His face went pale when he realized what it was. His eyes snapped up to me and his jaw dropped open.
“Hannah, I can explain.” I cut him off before he could say anything else. I didn’t want an explanation. He had no right. No fucking right.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” I laid into him, “Amber!? You’re dating my fucking sister!? What is wrong with you!?”
His mouth snapped shut. It opened again. I interrupted his pathetic attempt to explain. “I can’t believe you. Of all the women in the world. You had to have Amber?! Seriously, Tobie. Who does that? What asshole goes behind their best friend’s back and fucks their sister?!”
Tobie’s face changed dramatically. He was no longer stunned. He was angry. He should be. “Now wait a second, Hannah. No one is fucking anyone. You need to calm down.”
“You don’t get to tell me to calm down, Tobie. You don’t get to tell me anything. I can’t believe you’d do this to me. Do you have any idea what this means? Did you even think about how I’d feel about this?”
He opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off again. “Clearly you didn't. Clearly you don’t give a damn about how I’d feel about this. Which is really sad, Tobie. It’s really sad that you don’t care what your best friend thinks about something this big. Fuck you.” I stood, grabbing my purse and flinging it over my shoulder. “Fuck. You.”
I stomped toward the entrance. Every head in that restaurant turned to watch me leave. Fuck ‘em. I don’t give a damn who just heard that. In fact, I hoped the entire world heard what a backstabbing asshole he is. I slammed the door open to leave. I didn’t make it ten steps before Tobie grabbed my arm on the sidewalk.
“Hannah, stop.” He spun me around to face him. “Let’s talk about this.”
“No, Tobie. You don’t get to say anything. You’ve had your chance to talk. How long has this been going on anyway? You know what, nevermind. It doesn’t matter. You should have come to me at the very beginning. You should have said something to me first. Because that’s what best friends do. They talk things out. She’s my sister, Tobie. My sister!” I snatched my arm away from him. “You’re such an asshole. Get away from me!”
Tobie’s arms hung limp by his side. All of the anger in his face was replaced with pain. His eyes became soft and his mouth dropped open. “Hannah, please.” He begged.
“No.” I glared at him. “I’m done.”
I turned my back to him and got in my car.
Amber
I had just walked into the house from shopping with Sarah when my phone rang. Tobie’s number popped up on the screen. I tossed my purse onto the kitchen table and answered.
“Hey, handsome. What’s up? How was brunch?”
“Amber.” There was intense fear in his voice. He was breathing heavily. It sounded like he had just run a marathon. “Hannah found out.”
“Wait, what?” I began to panic. “What do you mean she found out?!” This is not good. Not good at all.
“I don’t know. She had the note from the flowers I gave you. I met her at the restaurant and she went off on me. Amber, she was pissed. I’ve never seen her so mad before. How did she get that note? Oh shit. Shit, shit, SHIT! What are we going to do?!” Tobie was rambling. Rambling is not good. Rambling equals panic. He can’t panic. I’m panicking. We can’t both panic!
“I had the note hidden in my bathroom. The only way she could have found it is if she was digging through my stuff. Oh, Tobie this is so bad. Is she still with you?”
“No. She ran out of the restaurant. I tried to grab her on the street but she kept yelling at me. She said some really awful stuff, Amber. Really awful.” His voice cracked. “She got in her car and drove off. I don’t know where she went.”
“Ok… ok… let’s just think… maybe she went somewhere to blow off steam. Maybe she’ll calm down and we can talk this out.”
“I don’t know, Amber. She was really pissed.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m on my way to your house.” I could hear the road noise.
“Please drive safe.”
“I will, love. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes wasn’t fast enough. Before I even put the phone down Hannah came flying through the garage door. I was standing frozen like a statue as she stared me down. There was so much hate and hurt burning from her eyes. Her fists were balled up by her sides and her jaw was clenched tight. Her shoulders tight and tense with anger.
“What the FUCK, Amber!?”
“Hannah, please. Sit down. Let me explain.”
“Explain what?” She threw her hands up. “What, Amber? Explain how you’ve been sneaking around behind my back? Explain how you’ve been screwing around with my best friend? How do you plan to explain that, Amber? How?”
“Please. Just sit down.”
“No. I’m not going to sit down and listen to you try to mother me and tell me that I’m overreacting. I’m NOT overreacting. This is beyond fucked up. He’s ten years younger than you! Who the hell do you think you are?!”
“Hannah, this is... it’s not what you think. Its…”
“It’s what, Amber? What? You gonna tell me how it’s no big deal? You gonna tell me that it’s all gonna be fine? That you love him? That I’m not gonna lose my best friend?” Her words were being spit at me like poison.
I started to cry, “Hannah, please… stop.”
“This is not ok. It’s not fucking ok!” Hannah began pacing the floor. “You stole him from me.” She began to cry now, too. “You stole the one person in my life who knows me better than I know myself. You fucking tricked me.”
“Tricked you?” I broke between sobs. “How in the world did I trick you?”
“When you asked me what I was going to do if Tobie found someone else. It was you. It was YOU!” Hannah wiped her face with the back of her hand. “You know what? Screw this.” She wiped her face again. “Screw you!” She turned away from me and stomped up the stairs to her room, slamming the door behind her.
I was stunned. My vision blurred. My blood turned cold. Someone had shoved a wad of cotton balls down my throat. They were swelling up and choking out any chance that I might be able to defend myself. There was nothing I could say. The tears were pouring out of my eyes. Running down my face like a sad, pathetic waterfall. My stomach turned and my knees buckled. I collapsed onto the floor. Curling up into a ball like a little child.
I thought of Tobie. I thought of the warm touch of his hands that night in the movie theater. I thought of the first time we kissed. The sight of his strong arms reaching up to the door frame of the pantry. I thought of my flowers. The penguin. The smile on his face at the car wash. But the pain in Hannah's face made all of the memories of Tobie melt away like rain washing away beautiful sidewalk chalk.
Strong hands lifted me from the floor and pulled me close. I was sitting in his lap. Sobbing onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my body and hugged me while I crie
d until there were no more tears left. It amazed me that I could have gone from such a feeling of euphoria when I woke up this morning to such loneliness in such a short time span. My heart was cracking and caving into my chest and a mess of sadness and guilt was spilling out. I should have never let things with him get this far.
This is all my fault.
Tobias
I thought the world had ended when my mom left. I had felt my heart splinter into a thousand pieces. But that was nothing compared to this. There is no pain greater than holding the woman you love in your arms while her world crumbles apart. Watching her heart shatter. I would have given anything to make her pain stop. Anything. I held her tight.
I kissed the top of her head. I smoothed her hair. I rocked her against me. I whispered that it was going to be ok. That I was going to fix this. I was going to make things right.
We stayed like that, just the two of us, sitting on the kitchen floor. Her delicate body curled against mine. It felt like an eternity before she spoke. Before the tears had stopped and the sobbing ended.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered.
“Shh. Amber, no. Don’t say that.” I held her tight. “It’s going to be ok. We’re going to be ok.”
“No, Tobie.” She sniffed and wiped her face. She lifted her head to look at me. “We can’t do this. It isn’t going to work.”
Her eyes were full of pain. The brilliant blue had dulled into a muted grey. Her hand lifted up to cup my cheek. I leaned into her palm. Closed my eyes to savor the comfort it gave me.
“Please don’t do this, Amber. Please.”
“It can’t work, Tobie. It just can’t.” She caressed my cheek with her thumb. “There’s too much wrong to make it right.”
I felt the burning in my eyes again. I felt the tears well up and push their way out. I felt them slide down my cheeks and into her hand. I felt my chest cave in and my throat tighten. No.
“No, love. You’re wrong. This can work. We can work. Let me fix this.”
“Oh, babe.” A bittersweet smile appeared on her lips. Her head tilted to the side, her eyes closed and she placed a soft kiss to my lips. “How can it?”
“Let me talk to her.”
“What if she gets mad again? What if she hates me?”
“She’s your sister, love. She can only stay mad at you for so long.”
“But what about you?”
“What about me?”
“What if she hates you?”
“Do you hate me?”
“Of course I don’t.”
“Then I don’t care what she thinks.”
She snorted the most adorable snort I’ve ever heard. “Yes, you do. Don’t be insane.”
“Ok, yes. I do care what Hannah thinks. But if I have to choose between the two of you I choose you. Every. Single. Time.” She smiled at me. Her eyes returned to their stunning shade of blue.
“This is crazy, babe. What if…” she trailed off.
“What if, what?” I leaned back to see her better. “Talk to me. Put it all out there. Let’s figure this out.”
“I don’t know…. what if… what if we tell Hannah to piss off and do what we want? What if she resents us both forever because of that? What if she calms down and lets us explain what really happened? What if we go through all of this and then we break up in the long run? What if you realize that this was mistake? That I’m not what you had imagined me to be. What if I don’t live up to your expectations?”
There it was. The real reason she wanted to give up. It had nothing to do with her sister. It wasn’t about getting in a fight with Hannah or making her mad. She had just been the catalyst. This was about Amber. She was scared. She was afraid of disappointing me. She was afraid of losing me. Of losing us.
“Let me turn all of that around.” I tucked a loose piece of her ponytail behind her ear. “What if Hannah does calm down and lets us explain? What if she sees two people who care deeply about each other? What if she sees that I want to do anything and everything to make you happy? What if we go through all of that and then stay together? What if I’ve already realized that you’re even better than I had imagined? What if you’ve already exceeded my expectations? What if I’m afraid that I’m going to let you down?”
Amber just stared at me. She blinked several times before she spoke. “I never… I… I don’t know what to say...”
I sighed and kissed her lightly. “Do you remember the night we had dinner with my parents? I was acting like an idiot. You knew something was bothering me. You tried to get me to talk about it but I couldn’t. Do you want to know what I was thinking?”
She nodded her head.
“I realized that night that I was completely and utterly head over heels in love with you. I realized that you were more than I had ever hoped and dreamed for. I saw my future by your side and it scared the ever living shit out of me. You know why?
She shook her head. Her tears were filling her eyes again.
“Because I didn’t think I deserved you. Because I thought I was too young for you. Because I make shit for money and had nothing to offer you. Because I thought you deserved better than me.
The tears started falling down her cheeks again. Gently this time. “But then a really smart man who I call ‘Dad’ reminded me that love isn’t about material things. It’s about wanting to give yourself to the other person. It’s about sharing your life with them and knowing that they’re the best part of your day. That’s you, beautiful.” I kissed her again. “That’s you. I love you, Amber Kilroy. I love you more than I ever thought I could. And I’ll do anything to keep you.”
Amber threw her arms around my neck. She sobbed into my shoulder again but it was different this time. It wasn’t sounds of sadness or heartbreak. It was sounds of happiness. Of relief.
Her lips pressed against the side of my neck. “I love you, Tobie.” She kissed me again. “I want to keep you, too.”
She lifted her head and placed her lips to mine. My heart exploded and my lungs collapsed. She kissed me like the walls of the world were burning down around us and this kiss was the memory she wanted to die with.
Chapter Thirty One
Tobias
“Hannah?” I tapped gently on her bedroom door.
“Go away.” I heard her muffled voice.
I sighed, “Come on, Hannah. Unlock the door and talk to me.”
“No.”
“Ok, have it your way. I’m going to sit here, right outside your door until you come out.” I slid down the wall and sat with my legs crossed in front of me.
“I’m not coming out.”
“You have to come out eventually. You have to eat.”
“I’d rather starve than see your backstabbing face again.”
If there was one thing I knew for certain about Hannah, it was that she could be as stubborn as a mule. She’d dig her heels in and stay in that room even if the house was burning down around her just to win the argument.
“Hannah, I’m sorry.” I spoke softly through the door, “You have every right to be mad. I would be, too.”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Tobie.” She was still crying, “Just go home.”
“I am home, Hannah. You are my home. Amber is my home.”
I heard her get off her bed and walk over to the door. She sat down on the floor on the other side. I picked at the fibers of the carpet in front of me. I would sit here as long as she needed me to. If working this out through a closed door was how she wanted to handle it, then by God, here I’d sit.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I heard her whisper.
“Amber was planning to tell you tonight. We wanted to make sure it was worth telling you about first.”
“What is that supposed mean?”
I sighed, “We wanted to make sure that there were real feelings between us before we told you. We didn’t want to make a big deal and then have it turn out to be nothing more than friendship.”
There were probably five w
hole minutes of complete silence before I heard the lock on the door click. Hannah opened the door to find me sitting waiting for her. Her face had softened but she still looked extremely hurt. She studied my face. She was doing what only Hannah could do: reading me without either of us speaking.
“How long has this been going on?” she questioned, “How long have you felt like this?”
“That’s actually a complicated question.”
“Try me.”
I reached up and dragged my hands through my hair and down my face. “I’ve had a crush on Amber since we were fifteen.”
Hannah’s mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me? How did I not know this?”
“Consider it my deepest, darkest secret.” I gave her a sideways smile. I was relieved to be having a conversation with her that didn’t involve yelling or name calling. “I never said or did anything about it because, come on, she’s your older sister. I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with her.
“It wasn’t until I ran into her at the carwash right before you moved back home that I had the guts to think that maybe I had a shot. I didn’t actually tell her how I felt until after you moved back.”
I intentionally left out several details of the story because Hannah didn’t need to know how I had flirted with her sister... or how she caught me in the shower… or how I fingered her through three orgasms after Hannah had fallen asleep on the couch. Those little details would remain between Amber and me.
Hannah just stared at me in disbelief. “I’m just shocked. I really don’t know how to feel about this.”
“Just talk to me. I’m your best friend, Han. It doesn’t matter who I’m dating I’ll always be there for you. Always.” I reached out to hold her hand. She didn’t pull away.
“This is so weird, Tobie. I mean, I know that eventually we’d end up with other people but I never in a million years would have thought you’d end up dating Amber.”
“Trust me, I think all of us are a bit surprised by that,” I laughed nervously, remembering the look on Amber’s face when I told her how I felt.
Delicate (Sublime Series Book 1) Page 19
