“I know I say this a lot but thank you, Tyler.”
“No thanks necessary.”
Chapter Nine
October 2015
Katie
Katie stumbled to one of the double beds in the hotel room in Anchorage, Alaska and face planted on the mattress, bouncing slightly before she rolled to her side and pulled her legs up into the fetal position.
It was a little after midnight, at least four hours past her bedtime. She was learning the hard way that growing a baby was equal to having all the energy sucked out of your body. By the time eight pm hit, she might as well not bother talking because her ability to concentrate was non-existent and her words came out jumbled and incoherent. Tyler found it humorous but made sure she had a pillow and blanket for the flight.
The bed dipped behind her then Tyler leaned across her to look into her face. “Why don’t you use the bathroom first?” She made a grunting noise that made him chuckle. “Come on.” He stood and pulled her until she was standing in front of him. Her limbs were too heavy to lift anything, so he picked up her bag and placed it on the bed, making it easier for her to get to her pajamas and toiletries.
Ten minutes later she fell back into bed, facing Tyler, who was lying on top of his bed wearing just a pair of sleep pants. He held up his toothbrush and smiled. “My turn.” He plugged his phone into the charger then walked towards the bathroom. It was then she realized that he was bare chested and for some reason it made her blush.
When she first met him, she thought he was average looking. Physically he had a nice body, but he didn’t stand out in any way. But the more she got to know him, the more she noticed the little things about him. He kept his hair short, and his face was usually clean-shaven. His lower lip was slightly larger than his upper lip and when he smiled, it was with his whole face. At twenty-six he already had laugh lines around his mouth and eyes. It was one of the things she loved most about his face. At just under six foot, his body was strong and lean. He had to stay fit and keep his weight down for his job as a flight nurse.
Alexis had once described him as looking like Captain America. “He looks like the all-American guy, but from the 40’s when guys actually put effort into looking good.” Katie had laughed at her observation, but now she could see it. She had always wondered how he managed to stay single.
When he returned a few minutes later, he picked up his phone and turned it on for the first time since they left Portland. Immediately it began to ding from missed text messages. Curiosity got the best of her, and she asked who he was messaging. “Audrey. She wanted to make sure we got here okay.”
“That’s…nice of her.” It was, but it also worried Katie. This girl hurt her friend, and she couldn’t help feel protective of him and his big heart. He also gave her the impression Audrey had been in his past. Was she trying to get him back?
“Mmhmm,” he mumbled. “How are you feeling?” he asked. “Besides pregnant,” he clarified with a smile.
She returned his smile before rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. “Scared. Anxious. Curious.” She sighed. “Eric invited me to visit him in Cold Bay a few times, but I kept putting it off. Now I’m going to be there tomorrow, and he won’t be.” Her words became softer with each word as she pushed back the emotions that were building. She blinked back the tears and turned her head to look at him just as he slid under the covers.
His smile fell when he asked, “What are you scared of?”
She shrugged and didn’t answer. Since he was the only person she felt she could say anything to, she wanted to tell him what had been on her mind, but the words wouldn’t come out. His eyes softened, and he nodded his head in understanding. A moment later, he reached for the lamp and switched it off, leaving them in the dark.
After a few minutes of silence, the pain in her chest eased, and she finally said what she had been holding in for over a week. “At his funeral, I heard all these stories about him growing up. Things I never knew and I’m afraid I’ll find out that there’s even more I didn’t know.” With all her emotions lodged in her throat, swallowing became difficult. She hated admitting how much she didn’t know. He was her boyfriend. She’d dreamed of marrying him one day. How could she know so little?
“Katie…”
“Good night, Tyler.” She rolled over until her back was facing him. It was hard enough saying it out loud; she wasn’t ready to actually discuss it.
He whispered, “Good night, Katie.”
She held tight to the plastic bag, holding it against her chest in case she needed it as the puddle jumper dipped and shook. She was counting down the minutes of their two-hour and thirty-minute plane ride to Cold Bay from Anchorage. According to her phone, they only had ten minutes left, but she wasn’t sure her stomach would make it. Breakfast had tried to come back up multiple times.
She pinched her eyes closed and leaned forward in her seat, trying to stem the tide. Tyler rubbed her back and reminded her they were almost there. It didn’t help. Besides feeling sick to her stomach, all the what if’s flew through her brain. It was less than two weeks ago that Eric died in a plane similar to what they were flying in. She hadn’t thought about that when she asked to come.
She took in deep breaths, attempting to calm her racing heart while Tyler calmly spoke to her. She had no idea what he was saying, but the sound of his voice eased her anxiety and she was able to calm down enough to sit back in her seat. He leaned towards her and said, “Just concentrate on the scenery outside your window.”
She braved a look and sighed at the beauty. She knew Eric lived in a remote part of Alaska, but it was entirely different to see it in person.
“It’s all this that made him want to move here,” he said with a sad smile.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. It was beautiful, and she could picture Eric living here, but she struggled to imagine herself here.
“Yeah...” Tyler looked lost in thought. At times, she was so consumed with her own grief, she almost forgot how hard it must’ve been for him to be in a place with so many memories of him and Eric.
The first hour of their flight, he had shared some of his favorite memories of Eric and his roommate Mark. Eventually, his smile turned sad and he faced away from her and wiped at his eyes. She wanted to reach out to him and comfort him, but then the nausea hit.
She glanced at him and wondered how he did it. How he managed to grieve and care for everyone around him at the same time. She felt like she was barely keeping herself together.
Tyler carried their bags to the parking lot where Mark met them along with Eric’s dog Bubba, a six-year-old yellow lab who had his head sticking out of the open window of Mark’s SUV.
When they neared the vehicle, Mark opened the back door, letting Bubba jump out and run to Tyler. The dog happily wagged his tail and circled Tyler until he bent down to pet him. “Hey, buddy!” Bubba’s tail wagged so hard he could barely sit still while Tyler scratched around his ears.
“It’s nice to see him so happy. He’s been moping at the front door of our house for the past week.” Mark choked up before finishing his sentence.
Tyler stood and hugged him. They patted each other on the back and held each other for a moment longer. “Tyler, it’s good to see you.”
“You too, man.”
Tyler turned and smiled at Katie. “Have you met Mark?”
“Katie, I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances.” Mark pulled her into a warm embrace. She felt like she already knew him from how often Eric talked about him and the few times they’d spoken on the phone. As sad as it was to meet him now, she was glad to get to know another friend of Eric’s.
“And this is Bubba.” Mark waved his hand over the happy dog. “Have you met?”
“I haven’t. I’ve only seen pictures.” She bent down, and Bubba happily bumped into her almost pushing her off her feet. She laughed as he licked her hand then quickly licked her cheek before she could stop him. “Bubba,” she sa
id with a laugh. She was still smiling when she looked up, and her eyes met Mark’s. He returned her sad smile.
On the way to Eric’s house, Mark gave her a quick tour of Cold Bay, which was pretty much pointing out the grocery store, inn, and bar that was just one building. There was a scattering of houses here and there, but when Eric said he lived in a remote part of Alaska, it wasn’t an exaggeration.
Growing up in Flagstaff, Arizona she never considered herself a city girl, but in comparison, Flagstaff was a metropolis. She had to admit she could see what drew him here. It was beautiful and peaceful.
When they reached Eric’s house, Mark helped carry in the bags and dropped them in one of the two bedrooms in the tiny house.
“I’m sorry, to drop you off and run, but I have to get back to work. I should be home before six,” Mark said regretfully.
“It’s no problem, Mark. I appreciate you picking us up.” Tyler and Mark shook hands. Before he left, Mark said, “I left some packing boxes in his room. It shouldn’t take long; he doesn’t…” He blew out a deep breath as he blinked back tears. “He didn’t have much,” he corrected.
Once the door closed behind him, Katie took in the small space. It wasn’t what she expected. It was definitely more rustic than she imagined with the main room being a combination of kitchen and living room with no real space for even a small dining table. That was when she noticed the two TV trays leaning against a wall next to the couch. The bathroom was next to the kitchen, and there were two bedrooms, one on each side of the main room.
She grew up in a small apartment above the diner Billy owned, so she knew small, but even that was bigger than this.
Tyler broke the silence and asked, “Not what you expected?”
“No.” She shook her head still unsure how she felt about being there. She pointed to the room where Mark left her bag. “Is that his room?”
“Yeah. You want me to leave you alone for a little bit?”
“If you don’t mind.” As much as she wanted to cling to Tyler for comfort, this was something she needed to do alone.
“I don’t mind at all. I completely understand.” He picked up a key ring hanging on the wall next to the door. “I’m going to go for a ride on the four-wheeler and give you some privacy.”
“Thank you.” She gave him a forced smile, but he saw right through her. She was a mess. As much as she wanted to spend some time alone in Eric’s space, it was difficult being there without him. Tyler wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll be back in a half hour.”
She stood in the center of the main living space with Bubba leaning up against her. She lazily scratched the top of his head until she heard the sound of the engine turning over.
She reluctantly walked toward Eric’s bedroom. Bubba followed her as she pushed open the bedroom door and sat down on the twin size bed. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.
The room smelled like him.
She always loved the way his scent lingered on her pillows days after he left from his monthly visits. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend he was still there. Their long distance relationship went through its ups and downs, but when they were together, they lived in their happy little bubble and she knew their issues would work themselves out.
She opened her eyes and took in the room. Just like the main part of the house, his bedroom was tiny. Across from the bed was a small desk with his laptop, beside it stood a tall bookshelf filled to the brim with books. She had no idea he loved reading, let alone mystery novels. It was another thing to add to the list of things she didn’t know about him. It seemed silly to be upset about it, but the list was getting longer. Why didn’t he ever talk about it? Under the only window in the room was his dresser with two framed photos sitting on top. One was of him and his family and the other of them on the first day they met. The huge grin on his face made her smile. She couldn’t help herself.
That day changed her life in ways she was just beginning to understand.
Thinking about that first night, Katie’s smile turned to tears. He had flirted his way straight into her heart.
Bubba leaned against her, seeming to sense her need for comfort. He put his head in her lap, and she bent down to hug him. Once the tears slowed, she let go, and he circled to lay down on his dog bed in the corner of the bedroom.
Picking up one of the moving boxes and the shipping tape, she let out a relieved sigh that Tyler hadn’t returned yet and hadn’t witnessed another emotional breakdown.
At some point, she was certain he would get tired of her tears and the way she seemed to cling to him. Even after going back to Bend this past week for work, he checked on her multiple times a day to make sure she was all right. Each time she realized how much she missed Tyler. Not just because he was a huge support but because she liked having him around. Even in her sad moments he seemed to find a way to make her smile and he relieved some of that pressure she felt in her chest.
She was filling a second box with Eric’s clothes when Tyler came back from his ride. His hair was windblown, sticking up all over the place, and his cheeks were flushed. She was about to reprimand him for not wearing a helmet when she noticed how young and alive he looked, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. She hadn’t seen him so relaxed or happy since Eric’s death.
She smiled and asked, “Nice ride?”
“Yes,” he said with a huge grin. “I came back for you. You have to go with me. It’s beautiful outside; the sky is clear, and I want you to see why he loved it here.”
How could she say no to that?
She dropped the last of Eric’s clothes into the box, resisting the urge to bring them to her nose and smell them before she closed the box. She had already picked out a few t-shirts she wanted to keep and stuffed them into her suitcase.
Before Tyler could start the four-wheeler, she handed him a helmet then waited for him to put in on before putting on her own. He smiled, not bothering to argue with her.
The ride was exhilarating and with her front pressed against Tyler’s back, she could physically feel him relax. An hour into the ride, they switched places. She couldn’t help smile as she took in the sheer beauty of her surroundings. The ride had done wonders for her mood, even if she came back feeling like a popsicle. It had been worth it.
Bubba was napping on the front porch and Mark was grilling fish on the barbecue when they returned. She ran past them to go inside to change her clothes. Bubba lazily stretched then followed her. He barely left her alone when they were in the same vicinity.
Since she hadn’t brought anything warmer than what she was wearing, she opened up one of the boxes and pulled out one of Eric’s long sleeve t-shirts and his college sweatshirt. After breathing in his scent from his clothes, it hit her again. The wave of grief was back like a punch to the gut. One minute she was fine, the next she was a sobbing mess. She sat on the edge of the bed and cried until it was all out. When she was finished, she washed her face hoping to hide the evidence of her tears.
Once she stepped outside, both Mark and Tyler began to discuss plans for their evening. An hour and a half later she was sitting at a table in the bar nursing a root beer while Tyler and Mark and Eric’s friends and acquaintances told story after story about him. Just like at the celebration of his life.
She forced a smile and pretended to enjoy the camaraderie, but all she felt was an aching loss. Multiple times, she had to excuse herself to go to the bathroom to pull herself together. By the time they left, she just wanted to go home and crawl under a pile of blankets and forget just for a little while.
When they returned, Bubba followed her into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, as if it was his, and watched her change into some pajamas. She was staying in Eric’s room while Tyler slept in the living room. She squeezed herself into bed at least as far as Bubba would allow. He made a slight huffing noise before he reluctantly moved to lie down at the end of the bed, giving her a little more brea
thing space.
She switched off the lamp and lay on her back, thinking about how surreal it was to be in Eric’s bed and not have him with her. The loneliness seeped in, making it difficult for her to fall asleep.
The sound of movement outside the bedroom caught her attention. When it began to sound like Tyler was wrestling with the couch, she slipped out of bed, pulled on a pair of Eric’s socks and his sweatshirt and left the bedroom.
She smiled to herself when she realized that, in fact, he was wrestling with the couch or at least the blankets on the couch and wasn’t winning. When he noticed her watching him, he sat up and made space for her on the sofa.
Relieved by his silent invitation, she took the seat next to him, pulled her feet up, and wrapped her arms around her legs, leaning her head on her knees. He stretched his arms over his head before resting his arm behind her. “You couldn’t sleep either?” he asked.
“No. Too many things running through my head,” she mumbled.
Bubba followed her into the living room and plopped down at their feet and huffed before making himself comfortable. He gave her a how-dare-you-leave-me alone look before laying his head on his front paws.
Tyler leaned back in the corner of the couch, opened his arms, allowing her to cuddle up against him. Once she was settled, he pulled a blanket over them and waited for her to speak. Somehow he always knew when she needed someone to just listen.
“On our anniversary last month, Eric hinted that he would like me to move here after I finished school. I told him I would think about it, even though job wise there isn’t anything here for me. I was so naïve. I thought we could figure it out. Now that I’m here... I don’t know how this would have worked, especially with a baby. I’m sure people do it, but I don’t think I could. I honestly hoped he would be willing to find something closer to civilization or his parents, but …”
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