“Of course I will.” Now he hoped his body would agree. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as his therapist taught him years ago when the pain of losing Carol grew too great. When his pulse slowed, he stepped out of the car, walked around to Ava’s side, and helped her out.
She grasped his hand tightly as they walked up the sidewalk as if he were a lifeline tethering her to reality. She appeared small and frail next to him.
Justin tried to keep his breathing slow and regular, but he could feel the weight on his shoulders with every step they took, and he forced himself not to shiver. He hated hospitals. Even before Carol’s death he wasn’t a big fan, but spending the last month of her life in one with her hammered the final nail in the coffin.
When the front doors whooshed open, the vision of him leaving Carol’s hospital, broken and alone flooded his mind.
Justin stepped out of the hospital in a daze. Why had no one been here with him? No one came to say goodbye to Carol. Her parents were dead, so that made sense, but he had family. Where were they? Busy had been Liz’s reply, and okay, she was planning her own wedding but still… She couldn’t take three days off to be here with him? His mother was still in rehab, so she had a decent excuse. She had stopped drinking for years, but when Ryan died last year, she picked it up again. And Peter was filming, so Justin understood that, but Garrett? Yes, he was at med school, but again, he couldn’t spare a few days for his only brother? Of course, some of the blame rested on him as well. He hadn’t told them how alone he felt. He’d inferred he could handle it all on his own, but he hadn’t meant it. He’d assumed they would see through his bravado and come anyway, but they hadn’t.
The pastor of their church visited, but Justin didn’t know him well, and he hadn’t stayed long. Nor had he imparted much wisdom. “She’s in a better place.” He’d said it as if it made all the sense in the world, but it didn’t. Not to Justin who needed her here. Maybe she was in a better place, but he certainly wasn’t. Not without her.
He lifted his face to the sky and raised his fist. “I hate you God. Do you hear me? I hate you for taking Carol, and I’ll never follow Your words again as long as I live.” His voice echoed in the covered area and his own words attacked him like daggers. In despair, he sank down onto the nearby bench and dropped his head into his hands. There he let the tears flow not caring who saw. No one stopped to ask if he was okay. No one placed a hand on his shoulder. No one was there.
Justin forced his mind back to the present and reminded himself this was not Carol’s hospital, and he did not have the hurt loved one, but Ava did. He may have had no one there for him, but he was here for Ava, and he could do this!
“Can I help you?” A woman at the information desk called out to them.
“We’re here to see my dad. Bruce McDermott? They brought him in after a heart attack.” Ava’s voice was small and hesitant, so unlike the fearless woman he met just a few weeks ago.
The employee, a smart looking woman with short brown hair and kind eyes, smiled at Ava before turning to the computer beside her and tapping a few buttons. “Yep, there he is. He’s still in ICU, but you can at least get to the ICU waiting room and then see when they’ll let you back. Let me just get your visitor tags and you can go on up. Can I get your names?”
“Ava and Justin.”
“Great, thank you.” She tapped a few more buttons, and a moment later, an ancient printer sputtered to life, grunting and groaning as if on its last leg. It spat out two squares which the woman peeled off and handed to them. “Be sure to keep these on while you’re in the hospital or you’ll find yourselves escorted out.”
Ava nodded and pressed her name tag to her chest. Justin followed suit trying not to remember the last time he had done this. He took another calming breath and led Ava to the elevators across the lobby. The silent ride pressed on Justin making him wish he had words to say, but all that kept playing in his head was “she’s in a better place.” That didn’t fit Ava’s situation because her father wasn’t dead yet. At least he hoped he wasn’t, and Justin knew he would never utter those words even if her father died. They hadn’t helped him, and he would rather say nothing and just be there for her than issue the empty words he received when Carol died.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened revealing a floor that looked like all the rest - sterile and white with only numbers and arrows to tell you which way to go. He followed her to the right and put his hand on the small of her back when she stopped in front of the frosted glass door labeled Intensive Care Unit.
“I’m right here with you,” he whispered hoping he would be able to keep that promise. The room crowded in on him, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to stay, but he sensed she needed strength to open the door and face the waiting game inside.
She nodded, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open.
The first thing Ava saw was her mother. Was it her imagination or had she aged ten years in an afternoon? Worry lay on her face like a mask, and her shoulders rolled forward, pushed down by an invisible weight. Ava wondered if she looked the same.
Her mother caught her eye, recognition flaring seconds later, and she bolted out of her seat and across the lobby. “Ava, I’m so glad you’re here.”
Ava let herself be embraced. Even though she knew her mother hurt as well, a comfort existed just being in her mother’s arms. She wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist, returning the hug, unsure who needed it more. “How is he, Mom? Have you heard anything?”
Her mother shook her head as she pulled back. Her hands stayed on Ava’s upper arms as if she feared Ava might disappear if they weren’t touching in some way. “No, we’ve only been here an hour or so. I haven’t spoken with a doctor yet. They took your dad to run some tests.”
Her mother’s eyes flicked to Justin; the unspoken question evident in her gaze. “I’m so sorry, Justin,” Ava said turning to him. For a moment she’d forgotten he stood there, and he clearly looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else. “Mom, this is Justin. Justin, my mom, Selene.”
Her mother held out a hand to Justin. “Justin, it’s nice to meet you though I’m sorry it had to be here.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, Selene.”
It hit Ava then the consequences of letting him bring her. He was now meeting her mother. He might meet her father, and brother and sister if they arrived. Would they quiz her about him? What would she say about his relationship with God or more accurately his lack of a relationship? Her parents had always strongly advised against dating a non-believer, and Ava had taken that advice. Until now. And then there was his anger at her. He’d obviously pushed it aside to help her, but would it come back?
It was never supposed to go this far. He was never supposed to be meeting her family. Her plan had been to keep him away until after their fake relationship ran its course and then explain to her parents that they just didn’t have enough in common. All of that flew out the window now.
“Mrs. McDermott?”
Ava turned to the doctor she hadn’t even heard approach. He looked young, barely older than herself. Was he capable of working on her father?
“I’m Selene McDermott.” Her mother grasped Ava’s hand and squeezed.
“Your husband is stable, but there appears to be some blockage to his heart. We’ll want to evaluate again tomorrow to see how it looks after the drugs relax the muscle, but he may need bypass surgery. However, we’ll discuss that more in detail at a later time. He’s still sleeping off the medicine, but you can see him now if you’d like.”
“Yes, please. Can we all go?” her mother asked looking first to Ava and then to Justin.
“Immediate family only. He’s still weak and he doesn’t need any surprises or unsettling events.”
Ava turned to Justin. She didn’t want to leave him alone, especially since he’d been kind enough to drive her here, but she wanted to see her dad. No, she needed to see him, to convince herself that he was
alive and okay.
“Go ahead,” Justin said as if reading her mind. “I’m not a big fan of hospital rooms anyway. I’ll go for a walk and meet you back here.”
She opened her mouth to thank him and paused as the words froze in her throat. The meaning behind his words clicked in her brain, and she looked at him - really looked at him. There was a stiffness to his jaw that was unusual even for him and a light sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead. He’d said his first wife had died, but she had never asked for the details. Had she died in a hospital? Was that why he looked so stressed? And yet he’d come with her anyway? Why?
Before she could ponder the questions further, her mother tugged on her arm. “Thank you,” she managed to mouth to Justin before she was whisked down the hall.
Chapter 18
Justin waited until they disappeared from sight before sinking down into a chair. His head dropped into his hands, and his fingers raked through his hair probably making it a mess, but he didn’t care. He’d tried so hard to overcome the fear he had of hospitals and tonight he had succeeded. He had overcome his fear and found the courage to support Ava. But as soon as he sank into the cushions every ounce of courage vanished, drained out and replaced once again by foreboding and dread.
His mind swirled back to eight years ago and the night when he’d held Carol’s hand and waited until the beeping stopped.
His back and butt ached from sitting in the hard plastic chair as long as he had, but he didn’t dare move. The doctors said it could be any minute, and he would not let Carol die alone. He would not let her take her last breath without him by her side.
A soft crinkle sound grabbed his attention and he lifted his face. Carol’s lips twitched - probably the closest thing to a smile she could muster at the moment. Her eyes, clear of the cloudy fog they’d held the last week, caught his.
“Promise me,” she wheezed grabbing his hand and holding him tight in her gaze. “Promise me you won’t give up on love.”
How could he promise that? How could she ask him? She knew that she was the only woman for him. He couldn’t even think about loving anyone else, and he opened his mouth to tell her that, but what came out was, “I promise.”
He promised though he couldn’t imagine loving anyone the way he loved Carol. He promised because she needed to hear it. She needed to know he’d be okay when she was gone, and he did it as his last gift to her.
A tear snaked down his cheek as the pain from so long ago washed over him anew. What would she say if she saw him now? She would be livid. Angry that he’d broken his promise to her but even angrier that he had given up on love.
Carol had been the epitome of an optimist. In fact, she and Ava would probably have been great friends had they known each other.
“Justin, is that you?”
Justin turned surprised to see the woman from the cottage. What had her name been? Mabel? Margaret? Margie? Yes, he thought it was Margie. “Margie, what are you doing here?”
“I volunteer here when I can. I bring flowers to folks and read stories to the children. Mostly I listen. You look like you need a friendly ear and a good listen. Want to lay your troubles at my feet?”
“I have no idea,” he said with a sigh. “Suddenly everything I thought made sense in my life no longer makes sense.”
Margie sat down next to him. “I think we find that often in life. Are you here with a family member?”
Justin chuckled sadly. “No, I’m here with Ava. Her father had a heart attack.”
“Ah, yes,” Margie said with a nod. “Heart attacks are hard, but so is being in a hospital when you have strong memories of grief isn’t it?”
Justin looked up at the woman. Was she a mind reader? “How could you-”
“I’ve also been doing this a long time. I’ve come to recognize the signs. Tell me who you lost.”
Justin took a deep breath and blinked to keep the tears building up from spilling over. “My wife died of cancer in a hospital like this one, and I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over it.”
“I don’t think one can actually get over the death of a loved one. What they can do is learn to live without them especially if they have the knowledge they will see them again. Were you and your wife believers?”
“She was, and I assumed I was, but I haven’t spoken to God since the day she died.”
Margie nodded. “That’s also understandable. God wants us to talk to Him and take our problems to Him, but He also understands our hurt and anger. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes, He is always waiting for us with open arms.”
Justin could almost feel the loving arms wrapping around him and lifting the burden. A welcoming voice accompanied them and called him home. He knew what he had to do. “Do they have a chapel in this hospital?”
Tears pushed against Ava’s eyes as she stared at her father. The man who had always been her rock - strong and courageous - now looked so small in the hospital bed. An oxygen tube sat under his nose and other wires ran out of his arms - an IV, a monitor of some sort, who knew what else. With the sheet covering most of him and only these pieces showing, he almost appeared half machine, like something out of a science fiction novel.
His chest rose and fell almost in time with the soft beeping that came from the heart monitor machine in the room, but Ava kept expecting it to stop suddenly at any moment. Her breath caught with every pause and only released again with the next movement of his chest. What would she do if her father died? How would her mother cope? Who would plan the funeral?
Her mother sat next to her father, stroking his hand. Eyes closed, her mouth moved silently and Ava realized she was praying. She should be praying too, but the only phrase in her mind was ‘Please don’t let him die.’ Had Justin felt this way? Suddenly, she understood how he might give up on love. She felt as if a large piece of her were missing already and her father was still breathing. How different would it be if he never woke up?
“Ava, you should probably go check on your boyfriend.”
Her mother’s voice pulled her back to reality, but it took a moment for the words to register in Ava’s mind. “What? Oh, yeah, I suppose, but he’s not really my boyfriend Mom.”
What was she doing? She wasn’t supposed to mention the fake relationship to anyone, least of all her mother, but she just couldn’t lie. Not while her father lay in a hospital bed. And she was pretty sure Justin had broken it off anyway.
“What do you mean?” her mother asked.
Ava sighed. “I met Justin a few weeks ago. The story I told on The Evening Show was mostly true. We did both get booked into the same cottage, but while we were there, he found out his image had taken a hit because of his views on love-”
Her mother held up a hand to pause Ava’s diatribe. “What do you mean his views on love?”
“Evidently, he’s not a big fan, but he hosts a dating show, so he needs it to seem that he is.” Her mother shook her head in confusion but motioned Ava to continue. “His boss thought it would improve his image if he was seen in a relationship, but he wasn’t in one, so he asked me.”
“He asked you to be in a relationship with him?” Her mother’s words spilled out slow and haltingly.
“No, he asked me to pretend to be in a relationship with him.” Ava understood it was a lot to take in, but she thought her mother had been following the thread better than her face showed she was.
“Why would you pretend to be in a relationship with someone? Why not just date for real?”
Ava rolled her eyes. “I do date Mom, but no one’s been able to compare to what you and Dad have.” She shrugged. “I want that perfect love.”
Her mother sucked in her breath and exhaled slowly pinching her lips together. “Is that what you think? That we’re perfect?”
“Of course. You guys are still in love, you never fight, you have so much in common.” Why was she having to explain this to her mother?
“Because we work at it, Ava. We didn’t start out that wa
y. Your dad wasn’t even a Christian when I started dating him.”
Ava blinked at her mother. “What? But then why would you tell me to only date believers?”
“Because it’s what God said to do, and because it’s easier. Ava, I was headstrong, and I fell for your father and thought I could change him. Luckily for me, it worked out that way, but it often doesn’t. Usually the believer ends up distancing themselves from God. Your father and I didn’t want that for you or your brother or sister. That’s why we stressed the importance of dating a believer. And you’re right, your father and I are still in love, but there were a few years there where we almost split apart.”
“What?” It seemed to be the only coherent word Ava could manage and suddenly she needed to sit down. Her entire world had just turned upside down, and her legs didn’t feel strong enough to keep holding her up. She backed up to the other chair in the room and sank down.
Her mother walked around the bed to her side. “Ava, your dad and I had the same issues that every couple has. We got married and then wondered if we’d made a mistake. Your father loves to talk to people and I was more of a homebody. I used to get so angry when he would be late for dinner. He would get to talking to someone and forget to call, and I would be sitting at home watching the dinner grow cold alone. It always felt like he was choosing others over me. That frustrated me, and for a few years we fought constantly.”
“How did you get through it?”
“We learned how to live together. I learned that I couldn’t change your father - he was going to talk to people no matter what I did. So, I would tell him dinner would be ready half an hour before it really was. He made it home on time more often that way, and I also let it go if he was late. I ate dinner alone and packed up leftovers for him. A few nights of cold dinners alone, and he began making an effort to remember to call me if he got caught up. The point is, we figured out how to work together. It wasn’t seamless.”
The Producer's Unlikely Bride Page 12
