by W. W. Jacobs
X
MR. CALLAHAN'S STORY
"My story begins, then, on a bright Sabbath afternoon in mid-autumn whenMiss Janet Cragiemuir left her home in K Street and set out leisurelyupon her walk to Bethany Church, where she revelled in her latest fad.She had recently taken a class in the Chinese Sunday-school. The goodwork began at three o'clock, and as it was nearly that hour, groups ofChinamen stood out on the sidewalk chattering as only Celestials can.They greeted Miss Cragiemuir with grave courtesy when she approached,and shuffled lazily out of her way as she swept past. She was followedinto the building by her three scholars, one of whom presented her witha small package which was accepted with some reluctance. Then a briefwhispered argument took place between the two, the Chinaman appearing tohave decidedly the best of it, for he displayed his broken, yellow teethin a hideous grin when his teacher turned from him to the other membersof the class.
"Miss Cragiemuir was attached to her scholars, an intelligent lot ofmen, speaking English fairly well, and at times quite electrifying herby their naive observations on men and things. But Ah Moy, the uglyfellow at the end of the form, was her especial pride. That gorgeouslyclad individual was considered the star scholar of the school, and as ashining example of what Christian training can do for the heathen wasoften pointed out to visitors. Well, Ah Moy _was_ undeniably clever, butnot in just the way the good people of Bethany imagined. As a matter offact, a more corrupt Chinaman had never been smuggled into America.Ostensibly in the laundry business, and really a master workman in thatline, the astute Chink had long since relinquished the labor over thetubs and ironing-board to Hop Wah, his silent partner. Ah Moy's chiefinterest in the establishment lay in its cavernous sub-cellar, where heconducted gaming tables and a smoking-'parlor' with flattering success.The gods evidently smiled upon him, for his den seemed to be unknown tothe police, though they had ferreted out all other resorts of the kindin the city. As there is no 'graft' in Washington, and 'the Finest' areabove reproach, the idea that Ah Moy enjoyed police protection should bedismissed with indignation.
"Ah Moy's place bore an unsavory reputation even among the saffron-huedresidents of Four-and-a-half Street, but its bland proprietor wasregarded by the authorities as a particularly inoffensive andlaw-abiding specimen--his high standing at Bethany proving a very strongcard. He was also the head of a powerful secret society, or 'tong,' andwielded a tremendous influence in the Washington settlement, so hiscountrymen dared not betray him. There was another, and in its way anequally potent reason why the Chinaman played so well the role ofconvert. He had fallen desperately in love with Miss Cragiemuir, and tothe unconscious girl his antics were puzzling, to say the least. Heannoyed her, too, with presents--trifles which she could not well refusewithout a scene, for after much surly mumbling he would sulk in hiscorner like a spoiled child unless she instantly accepted his offerings.So jars of preserved ginger, hideous ivory images, and trinkets of everydescription were showered upon her, much to her discomfiture.
"On the afternoon I speak of, Ah Moy, who had eclipsed all previousrecords for brilliant recitations, became decidedly uneasy as thebenediction was being pronounced, and when he arose from his kneestapped Miss Cragiemuir gently with his fan.
"'Can Ah Moy walk home with pletty lady?' he asked in dove-like tones.
"Now Miss Cragiemuir's fads were invariably carried through to the lastextremity, and Ah Moy's request, instead of embarrassing her, afforded athrill of gratification. She felt sure that he yearned for a fullerknowledge of the great truths that had been unfolded in the afternoon'slesson, and she also felt, with some exaltation of spirit, that herinfluence over the man was being exerted for much good. So she nodded apleasant assent to the delighted Celestial, who blushed and trembledwith joy; and a blushing, trembling Chinaman is a sight for the gods!
"'Well, Ah Moy,' she said in her best manner, 'I hope you will thinkover what you have learned to-day, ponder it in your heart, and let itbe a subject of prayer. I see a great change in you--a change for thebetter. The good seed has taken root, and my puny efforts will yet bearfruit in due season. Now next Sunday we will take up the wonderful storyof "Daniel in the Lion's Den." That will interest you, I am sure.'
"'Ah Moy takee up anysing that Missee want,' said the Chinamangallantly. 'Ah Moy velly, velly fond of Missee. He no come toSlunday-school at all if teacher no come too! Slunday-school is a greatbig bluff most allee time--it seem to me. Humbug, eh?'
"This was a staggerer.
"'Why, Ah Moy, how perfectly shocking! "Bluff!" "Humbug!" Where did youlearn such words? Oh, Ah Moy, you don't know how much you distress me! Ithought better of you than that; I did indeed! What do you come to theschool for? Isn't it because you want to be a better man, and to lead agood and useful life? I certainly thought so. I am disappointed in you,Ah Moy, more than I can say. This is dreadful!'
"'Ah Moy rich,' he continued, unnoticing; 'got plenty money, habee heaphouse--one in 'Flisco, one in San Looey, one here in this city. He wantget mallied; lovee gal, 'flaid tell her. 'Flaid makee mad. Ah Moybashful!'
"'Really?' said Miss Cragiemuir with interest, wondering which of thetwo or three women at the Mission he meant, 'In love! Oh, Ah Moy, howromantic! Who is she? Perhaps I can help you.'
"'I don't likee say,' replied he coyly.
"'How foolish, Ah Moy. Tell me--I will promise not to mention it--not tosay a word to any one. Understand?'
"'Plomise?' asked he craftily.
"'Certainly I will promise. Don't you think I can keep a secret? Lots ofpeople tell me things--that's because they trust me. Who do you want tomarry? Ah, I believe I know. Isn't it Hoi Kee?'
"'No-o.'
"'Oo-Chow?'
"'No-o.'
"'Hoi Sing?'
"'No-o.'
"'Well, I declare! Who on earth is it then?'
"'Ah Moy want mallie _you_!'
"'What?'
"Miss Cragiemuir, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, giggledhysterically. A flush of rage darkened the Chinaman's sallow features,and his eyes glittered with anger. Had the street been deserted he wouldhave strangled her, then and there, after the pleasing Oriental fashion.But the time and place were unpropitious.
"'Mellican gal makee fun of Ah Moy,' he said gruffly. 'She think hejoke, when allee time he mean velly much what he say!'
"Then the teacher lost her temper.
"'How dare you say such a thing to me? Are you crazy? You must be! Don'tyou ever talk to me again like that. Do you hear? Leave me--go away! Idon't want you to walk a step further with me! Go home! I hope I willnever, never see you again!' and she turned her back on him indignantly.Ah Moy made no response, but still stuck gamely at her side. She walkedfaster; so did he, keeping right in line. For a square or so theyhurried along. Then she gave it up, slowed down, and said mildly, 'I amglad, of course, that you are fond of me, Ah Moy. I want all the membersof my class to like me. I am trying to do a good part by you, and I hopesome day to see you back in your native land leading your people to thelight; but you have a great deal to learn yet. Besides,' she addedthoughtfully, reverting to his unlucky remark, 'haven't you a wife inChina?'
"'I have _two_ wifee in old countly,' replied Ah Moy proudly, 'but Ihave none in 'Mellica--not a single wifee--no, not one! Ah Moy want'Mellican wifee, so ba-ad, so ba-ad!' he said plaintively.
"Miss Cragiemuir was seized with a wild desire to shriek with laughter,but she wisely suppressed it. She felt that with the frank avowal of herscholar the end of her usefulness at Bethany was drawing near. Itsobered and saddened her.
"Ah Moy accompanied her in sullen silence to the door of the house in KStreet. Well-dressed church-goers gazed curiously at the pair, and manyfacetious remarks were bandied about. Fragments of this found their wayto the ear of Major Cragiemuir as he was taking his afternoon airing inthe park, and filled him with wrath. The Major is a testy, pompousspecimen of the retired army officer, and takes himself very seriously.His sense of dignity and propriety is never for a moment in abeyance,
and covers himself and all his belongings like a pall.
"'This thing shall be stopped,' he declared, fuming with rage. 'I haveput up with Janet's infernal nonsense long enough! I won't have her thelaughing stock of the town! She shall give up this Chinese Sunday-schoolbusiness at once! But what next, what next?' he groaned 'Really, Janetis getting quite beyond me--something decisive will have to be done.Each new fad is more damnable than the other! Will there never be anylet up? God knows I have been a good father, and let her have her ownway in everything--nearly everything; but this is going a little toofar! If her mother had lived things would have been so different. Ah,me!' And muttering angrily to himself, he whacked the inoffendingshrubbery with his cane.
"The old gentleman's walk was quite spoiled.
"When Miss Cragiemuir and Ah Moy reached the house in K Street the youngwoman thanked her pupil for his escort, and politely wished him a goodafternoon. As she was about to leave him he madly seized her around thewaist, exclaiming, 'Ah Moy kissee you good-bye!' and tried his best todo so. Miss Cragiemuir screamed, and nearly fainted with fright.Luckily, the Major turned the corner just at this moment, and speedilytook in the situation. He rushed at the Chinaman, hurling him to thepavement, and beat him soundly with his ever-ready stick. Then hebestowed several well-directed kicks upon the prostrate form. Ah Moyscrambled to his feet and fled, closely pursued by the enraged Major;but the nimble-footed Chink managed to make good his escape, dartinginto a friendly alley, and disappearing.
"The terrified girl hurried into the house, and received shortlyafterward from her father a brief, but spirited lecture, which she willlong remember. He sternly declared, after touching upon all of herhobbies,--he called them by a stronger name,--that if she continued togive him trouble he would close up the Washington house and live infuture at The Oaks, the Cragiemuir place down in Maryland. This direthreat proved most effectual, for Janet hated The Oaks, and she recalledwith disagreeable vividness one never-to-be-forgotten year spent thereas a child. So she went to her room and wrote to the superintendent atBethany that a sudden change in her plans would force her to give up herclass. The letter, a masterpiece in its way, closed with expressions ofthe deepest regret, and was duly received by the excellent Mr. Bagby,who felt that both Bethany and himself had sustained an irreparableloss.
"But the affair of the Chinaman by no means ended here.
"Ten minutes after his unpleasant encounter with Major Cragiemuir, AhMoy arrived at his place of business in Four-and-a-half Street, a massof bruises, and with a heart full of hatred for his assailant. Perhaps,after all, the fellow had meant no harm. In his guileless, imitative wayhe had simply tried to do what he had often seen American young men do.Had he not frequently observed big Policeman Ryan kiss the red-hairedwidow who kept the lodging-house around on Missouri Avenue? Did notMuggsy Walker--across the street--salute his sweetheart in the samemanner? Ah Moy had many times witnessed what struck him as a most absurdceremony on the part of the foreign devils; but he had watched themclosely, though, and flattered himself that he too could do the properthing when occasion called for it. He had, in fact, done so, and wasbeaten for his pains! This was a h--l of a country, anyhow, thought he;after this he would stick to the good old ways of his native land, andhave a whole skin to his credit. The teachings of a long line ofphilosophical ancestors were by no means lost upon this their up-to-datedescendant. No more monkey tricks for him!
"On the night of the beating, Ah Moy did not feel equal to presidingover the tables, so the resort was closed for the first time in manymonths. Down in the dark sub-cellar he soothed his ruffled feelings witha long, quiet smoke, and meditated upon elaborate though somewhatimpracticable schemes of revenge as he lay in his bunk.
"Several days later the Chinaman, still sore and in a bad humor, swunghimself on a car for Sam Yen's, whose laundry was some distance up town.Yen was a quiet, easygoing fellow, and Ah Moy thought it great fun tobadger and worry him whenever there was nothing more promising in view.On this particular morning Ah Moy found Yen shaking with a chill, andalmost too weak to drag himself across the room. Sam scarcely replied tohis tormentor's teasing, and the latter was about to leave the place indisgust, when a well-known countenance appeared in the doorway, andDennis Coogan came in.
"Coogan was Major Cragiemuir's factotum, and Ah Moy, who had spent manya weary hour opposite the house in K Street waiting to catch a glance ofJanet Cragiemuir, knew him by sight. Coogan presented a ticket anddemanded his 'wash.' Sam Yen reached feebly for the pink slip of paper,peered up and down the rows of bundles on the shelves, and finallyannounced that the garments were not ready, but would be later in theday. Coogan then stalked out, stating that he would call again at fiveo'clock, sternly warning Sam not to disappoint him. Coogan aped theMajor to the life, and Ah Moy, recognizing the caricature, hated himheartily for it. Yet, the Chinaman, sitting behind the counter, with hiseyes nearly closed, paid but scanty attention to the customer; but whenCoogan left, a look of supreme cunning flitted over his wooden face. Hewas silent for a few moments, and then, to the surprise and delight ofYen, volunteered to remain and complete the day's work, urging the sickman to turn in until he felt better. Sam Yen gladly accepted the offerof his kindly disposed countryman, and Ah Moy hurriedly left for his ownlaundry to get, he said, a very superior polishing iron, promising toreturn in a few moments. When he found himself on Pennsylvania Avenuenear Four-and-a-half Street he entered the tea, spice, and curioemporium of Quong Lee.
"Quong Lee was not only a shrewd merchant, but a skilful chemist aswell, and was regarded with deep reverence and esteem by his fellows.The eminent man, had he been a trifle taller, would have readily beentaken for the great Li Hung Chang, spectacles and all; and it was owingas much to this wonderful resemblance as to his wisdom and learning thatChinatown groveled at his feet. He received Ah Moy effusively when thelatter, breathless and excited, burst into the stuffy little room at therear of the shop.
"'Welcome, thrice welcome, oh, Beautiful One,' said Quong Lee (not inEnglish, but in the liquid dialect of the Shansi region). 'It fills myheart with joy to see you. Why have you thus deserted the lifelongfriend of your father?'
"Ah Moy smiled sardonically, for he had parted from Quong Lee but atsunrise that morning, after a warm discussion over some of the nicerpoints of the game, and the old man's query appealed very strongly tohis by no means undeveloped sense of humor.
"'Most excellent and revered sage,' replied Ah Moy dryly, 'pardon theunheard-of negligence, and generously deign to overlook thethoughtlessness of your sorrowing servant--do that; and, Quong Lee, youmust help me! Quickly! Quickly! I want a poison such as you can easilydistil. A mixture so deadly that the slightest contact with it is fatal!Give me that, I pray you, and let me go. Hurry! Hurry! I am in haste!'
"'You ask much of me, Ah Moy, after your harsh, ill-timed words of themorning,' remarked Quong Lee coldly.
"'Forget them, O Munificent; forget them,' said Ah Moy, deeplycontrite. 'Carried away by excitement, your abject slave consideredbut lightly what he then so foolishly said, and now so ferventlyregrets--and--and--let's drop this powwow, Quong Lee. I have no time forit! I tell you, man, I am in a hurry!'
"Now, Quong Lee, while wholly in Ah Moy's power, and quite well aware ofit, exacted from all of his countrymen a certain amount of deference,and was loath that his visitor should prove an exception to thisgratifying rule. Ah Moy knew this, but the little farce was becomingvery irksome to him; it took up too much of his always valuable time,and he intended to forego it in future. Quong Lee, thought he, was atiresome old goat who badly needed his whiskers trimmed and his hornssawed off; and he, Ah Moy, was the man for the job.
"'I am indeed fortunate,' said Quong Lee, ignoring Ah Moy's concludingremark, 'tremendously lucky, in fact, for I think I have in mylaboratory just what you desire. Yes, I am sure of it. I will get itwithout further delay.' He took down a lighted lantern from the wall,and lifting a trap door at the end of the room, plunged into thedarkness. From the openin
g nasty, suffocating smells arose, and Ah Moywas driven out to the shop, where he impatiently awaited his learnedfriend. That worthy soon reappeared, and paying no attention whatever tothe odors, beckoned Ah Moy into the room. Ah Moy approached gingerly.
"'My beloved child,' said Quong Lee, exhibiting the regulation tinyphial of romance containing a few drops of a white liquid, 'here is apoison ten-fold more subtle and deadly than that ejected from the fangsof the cruel serpent of the plain. The merest scratch from a weapondipped in it will effect instant death. The victim curls up as a tenderleaf in the midday sun. Yet it may be taken into the stomach withimpunity. Strange, is it not? The minute quantity that you see here isall that I possess, and I shall feel honored if you will accept it.But,' he added, clutching Ah Moy by the wrist, 'should trouble come,remember that I--Quong Lee----'
"'Trust me for that, venerable Uncle of the Moon; your name shall not bebreathed in the matter, whatever happens. Ah Moy is not the man to bringmisfortune upon the lifelong friend of his father,' and the fiendishchuckle which accompanied this remark filled the merchant-chemist withalarm.
"'A million thanks, O Illustrious,' continued Ah Moy, pocketing thephial. 'I shall never forget your generosity. In good time I shallrepay. Ah Moy will not prove ungrateful. Pardon this brief visit, Orevered wearer of the crimson blouse. We meet again to-night. Bathed inthe glow of thy approving smile, I leave thee. We meet again to-night,to-night. For the present, farewell. And I say, old 'un, you were deadwrong about that last game. You get a little dippy toward morning, don'tyou? Most old folks do. Ta, ta.' He glided out, slamming the door behindhim.
"Quong Lee followed his guest to the street, and watched his retreatingfigure until lost to sight.
"'Curse him! Curse him!' hissed the old man vindictively. 'May the godsdestroy him! And Quong Lee will aid them! Give me but the chance; oh,give me but the chance!' And he crossed his fingers.
"The subject of this cheerful soliloquy returned without delay to SamYen's, who welcomed him with a wan smile, and after explaining someminor details of the work, crept off to his cot. Ah Moy immediatelybegan his self-imposed task, and worked with a will, crooning the whilea quaint Celestial air. It was ironing day at Sam Yen's, and the newhand did not object particularly to that part of the process. By aquarter after four he had completed the job, and surveyed with muchsatisfaction the neat bundles, duly ranged on the shelves.
"Dennis Coogan arrived at dusk, and throwing down his ticket and somesmall change on the counter, walked off with his parcel, mumblingsomething uncomplimentary about the dirty haythin' who kept honest folkswaitin' for their clothin'. Later in the evening Sam Yen appeared, muchrefreshed, and relieved his kind assistant. Ah Moy then left, cuttingshort the thanks of his countryman.
"Honesty is the best policy, and it is to be regretted that this astutemaxim had not been more thoroughly kneaded into the moral make-up of Mr.Dennis Coogan. Arriving at the house in K Street, Coogan, sneakingthrough a side entrance and across the yard at the rear, took hismaster's clothing up to his own little room over the stables, where hecarefully selected such articles as seemed to strike his fancy. It wasthe night of the coachmen's ball, and Dennis did not propose to beeclipsed at that event by any Jehu who ever handled the ribbons. Sothere in readiness lay the hired dress-suit, the Major's gleaming linen,and the other necessaries of evening attire. Coogan leisurely donned theunaccustomed plumage, paying as much attention to his toilet as adebutante when arraying herself for her first cotillion. Afterstruggling into a remarkably obstinate shirt he selected the highestcollar he could find, put it on, and admiringly surveyed the generaleffect in a cracked mirror, turning his head this way and that as he didso. Suddenly, with a gasping cry, he lurched forward, and fell heavilyto the floor.
"Great was the horror and distress in the Cragiemuir household the nextmorning when the shockingly discolored body of the ill-fated Coogan wasfound. Major Cragiemuir, who was attached to the man, was sorely grievedby his death; and as there were no relatives to claim the body had thepoor fellow buried from the K Street house, which was closed until afterthe funeral. The family physician and his confreres who examined thecorpse were puzzled for some time as to the cause of Coogan's death.Cases of this sort, they solemnly declared, while not unknown to theprofession, were yet extremely rare; and the long scientific name whichwas inscribed on the register at the health office as the disease thatcarried off Dennis Coogan had certainly never been seen there before.The slight scratch under the chin made by one of the sharp points of thecollar was quite unnoticed in the rigid inspection to which the body wassubjected.
"On the evening following the untimely death of Dennis Coogan, impelledby a curiosity which he could not resist, Ah Moy sought out thefashionable neighborhood where the Cragiemuirs resided, and found, as hehad scarcely dared hope, the mansion closed and the badge of mourning onthe door. He saw a dim light burning in the front parlor, and in hisexcited fancy could see the still form of the hated Major reposing inthe satin-lined casket beneath the flickering gas jets. The Chinamanlaughed aloud, and then a look of supreme terror came into his face, forhe thought he saw a menacing figure leave the house, and with clenchedfists start over to him.
"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled.
"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!"]
"He finally took refuge from his imaginary pursuer at Wo Hong's. Here hedrank repeatedly a fiery liquor which the proprietor, serenelyuntroubled by the revenue laws, dispensed to his pals for a trifle. WhenAh Moy staggered into his den several hours later, Quong Lee, who hadarrived on the scene, noted with much satisfaction the ghastlyappearance of his friend.
"'If he keeps this up for any length of time,' thought the learned man,'I shall be spared the performance of a very unpleasant act. Murder isnot in my line--now--anyway. It is trying work for an old man likeme--and the police forever at one's heels!'
"Leaving his associates in charge of the tables, Ah Moy wearily soughtthe adjoining room, a filthy, ill-lighted apartment, with rows of bunksalong its sides. Opening a cupboard he drew forth a pipe and a small jarof opium. His stained fingers trembled violently as he rolled a muchlarger pill than usual and placed it in the bowl of his pipe. He hadconsumed a frightful quantity of the stuff in the past few days, and hisnerves were in just the condition that required a larger amount thanever to quiet them.
"He stretched himself at full length in the nearest bunk and proceededto lull the awful fantasies which threatened his reason. With a moan heburied his face in his pillow; for at the end of the room he saw a grimphantom whom, he felt sure, the doubly accursed Quong Lee hadmaliciously admitted. The old man should pay dearly for this on themorrow! Ah Moy felt his fingers tightening convulsively around thethroat of the dying Quong Lee; he could hear the croaking in hisvictim's wind-pipe, and the gruesome death-rattle! The sounds were allwell known to the Chinaman, and recalled a chain of lurid experiences.
"'I should have done it before,' he muttered, as in his fancy he kickedthe body aside.
"He grew calmer. There was a bright gleam of hope in the thought thatwith the death of Major Cragiemuir his wooing would be far lessdifficult. As to the girl returning his love--bah! Women were notconsulted upon such matters--in China. He smiled, for he felt that histriumph was assured.
"Radiant visions came to him. He was floating in space, wafted byperfumed breezes. Around him were lovely faces dimly outlined in circlesof roseate clouds. Each face was Janet Cragiemuir's, and all smiled mostbewitchingly at him. Showers of white and yellow blossoms fell atintervals, and the orchestra from the Imperial theatre at Pekin boomedlazily in the distance.
"Happy, happy Ah Moy!
"But the Chinaman, though a hardened smoker, had badly miscalculatedmatters, for when Quong Lee came in at daybreak to awaken him the'Beautiful One' had been dead many hours!"
* * * * *
"Now, Mr. Denmead," said Colonel Manysnifters, turning to anotherrepresentative of the press, "it's your turn. Let us have it
good andstrong. I have read your East Side Sketches, and like 'em immensely.Can't you give us a touch of New York in yours?"
"I'll try," said Denmead modestly, "though it isn't exactly a story. Itwas just a passing incident, but it was something that I will not soonforget. An affair of that kind is apt to make more or less of animpression on a fellow. Maybe you will agree with me."
