by Chris Colfer
“Get to the season-ten details, you overrated stalker!” Sam yelled on behalf of everyone in the fandom.
“I don’t mean to be Frank and Beans, but I was by far the best moderator at the panel,” Kylie went on. “They paired me up with ol’ Prostate McGee from The Hollywood Reporter and Jennifer Whogivesafuck from Entertainment Weekly. She had the audacity to call out Cash Carter on his recent benders in Hollywood. I know we’ve all been concerned about it—I personally hosted a candlelight vigil on the matter in my last video—but there are certain things you just don’t bring up at WizCon! Anyway, shit got reeeaaaal uncomfortable. Luckily, Has-Beener-Zimmer put out the flames. Now let’s get to what we learned about season ten.…”
“Finally!” Joey said.
“The cast confirmed the show will stay on air as long as we watch it, so we can all just chill the fuck out about that—I’m talking to you, WizzerJane97,” Kylie said. “However, Professor Luckunckle will be absent for three episodes in the fall because Tobey Ramous is committed to Moth-Man reshoots—apparently Warner Brothers already knows the movie will need them. Also, if you don’t like the storyline on Kepler-186, that’s too damn bad. The Reptoids are sticking around until the middle of season ten.”
“The Reptoids are back? No cocking way!” Davi said, and wrapped his arms around his head.
“That’s the season-finale twist I was telling you about,” Sam said.
“Don’t talk about the season finale!” Huda begged. “The Wizzers in Turkey haven’t sent it to me yet!”
“Has-Beener-Zimmer also said there will be three surprise guest stars in season ten,” Kylie said. “He wouldn’t say who, but gave these hints: one has an Oscar, one has a Grammy, and one has a sex tape. He also promised the fans he would not write another role for himself or force another Who’s the Parent? reunion down our throats. Episode 907 was just as painful for him as it was for us—I’m paraphrasing of course. Well, that’s all the info I’ve got for you today, Wizzer sluts. Tune in tomorrow for my recap of the Wiz Kids ‘Post Production Panel.’ And if you haven’t subscribed to my channel yet—kill yourself. Peace!”
Kylie’s video concluded with another thirty seconds of her obnoxious, self-performed theme song, but thankfully Topher clicked his iPad off before it finished. All the people on his computer were quiet and motionless as they processed the information Kylie had revealed. Once it was absorbed, they erupted in contagious spurts of exhilaration, like cheap fireworks setting each other off.
“That was awesome!” Joey said. “I wonder how they’re going to write Professor Luckunckle off for three episodes.”
“Or who the surprise guest stars are going to be,” Sam said.
“I can’t believe we have to wait eighty-one days until the next season!” Mo said. “That’s practically a pregnancy!”
“Girl, please,” Huda said. “That’s a wink compared to how long I have to wait. I’ll be lucky if I’m caught up with season nine by then.”
“But Reptoids?” Davi asked, still stuck on the topic. “Are they dusting my balls? I hate the Reptoids!”
Topher was just as eager about the things his friends were pointing out, but they were overlooking the best news to come out of WizCon 2017.
“I’m just happy they confirmed the show is sticking around,” Topher said. “We were kind of counting on it.”
With graduation in their rearview mirrors, Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo would be splitting up soon to attend different colleges in the fall. Topher was staying in Downers Grove for community college, Joey was going to Oklahoma Baptist University for performing arts, Sam was headed to the Rhode Island School of Design to study interior design, and Mo would be attending Stanford to major in economics.
Regardless of their new locations, they were still very committed to their Wednesday night Wiz Kids ritual; they’d just be doing it over the Internet. Now with the certainty that Wiz Kids would continue throughout their college years, the pending good-bye was a lot easier to swallow. And since their time together was limited, Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo had big plans to make the most of it.
“Are you guys excited for your road trip?” Huda asked. “You’re leaving tomorrow, right?”
“You guys didn’t tell me you were going on a road trip!” Davi said.
“We didn’t want to brag, but it’s going to be a lot of fun,” Joey said. “Our parents helped us pay for it as graduation gifts.”
“Speak for yourself,” Sam corrected him. “I had to get a summer job to pay for my quarter of the costs.”
“Topher’s planned out the whole thing!” Mo added. “His mom is even letting us borrow her station wagon.”
“Where are you guys going? How long will you be gone for? Tell me everything!” Davi said.
Topher rubbed his hands together as he informed their e-friends of their exciting itinerary. He looked like a criminal mastermind reciting his plan for world domination.
“We’ll be gone for about two weeks,” he said. “We’re driving from Illinois to California. The first five days we’ll be on the road checking out roadside attractions, historical landmarks, and national parks on the way. We’re going to see the world’s biggest rubber-band ball, the St. Louis Gateway Arch, the Lewis and Clark Museum, the Mark Twain National Forest, the Bundy and Claire Jailhouse, the UFO Observation Tower, Dinoworld, the Petrified Forest, the Arizona Meteor Crater, the Grand Canyon, and then, finally, the Santa Monica Pier. We’ll be in Santa Monica for four days so we can explore Los Angeles, hang out in Hollywood, and take an exclusive tour of the Wiz Kids sets on the Sunshine Studios lot!”
“You’ve got to be fondling me!” Davi exclaimed.
“I am so jealous!” Huda said.
“Wish you guys could come with us,” Sam said.
Mo suddenly let out a quick screech and everyone jumped. Topher’s thorough description had reminded her of something very important she needed to do before the trip.
“Mo, are you okay?” Joey asked. “Did someone leave a nasty comment on your fanfiction?”
“No—I just realized I haven’t even packed yet!” Mo said.
“Crap, me either,” Joey said. “I’ve got to sign off and do some laundry. What time are we meeting in the morning?”
“Ten o’clock sharp,” Topher said. “And we’ve got to be prompt so everything else in the schedule times out.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” Joey said with a salute. “See you guys in the morning!”
“Bye, Huda, bye, Davi!” Mo said, and blew them a kiss.
Mo and Joey disappeared from their friends’ computers screens. Davi and Huda’s time zones were starting to get the best of them and they both yawned like newborn puppies.
“I have to say good night, too,” Davi said. “It’s late as douchebags down here and the cybercafe is about to close.”
“I’m going to take a nap before breakfast,” Huda said. “Have fun on your trip, guys! Post pictures as you go—I’ll have my contact in Turkey keep an eye out for them!”
The Wizzers from abroad signed off and Topher and Sam were the only two left. They were usually the last two on their computers and sometimes continued the conversation until the wee hours of the morning. Topher had nothing against Joey and Mo, but he always looked forward to his alone time with Sam.
“What a night,” she said. “I’m so overstimulated I doubt I’ll sleep much.”
“Don’t worry, I’m taking the first driving shift tomorrow,” Topher said. “You can sleep in the car if you need to.”
Although he would never admit it, Topher had been crushing on Sam since the eighth grade. He had been in denial about it for five years and was constantly fighting off his feelings like they were symptoms of an oncoming cold—but nothing could cure him of Sam. There was something about her that was different from all the other girls Topher had ever known; it was something familiar that made her so easy to talk to and fun to be around. He was convinced there was no one else like her on earth.
The
re were many times Topher had suspected Sam might feel the same way about him, but she was a tough egg to crack. As close as they were, Sam had always been a very guarded person. But perhaps that was what Topher found most intriguing about her: Sam was a mystery waiting to be solved.
“I’m so excited about our trip,” she said. “But it’s kind of bittersweet, you know? In a couple months we’ll be so far away from each other. Each time I try to wrap my head around it, I get so depressed.”
“I know exactly how you feel,” Topher said. “Look at it this way: our band isn’t breaking up, we’re just gonna take a sabbatical until our inevitable comeback.”
Sam gave him a sweet smile and Topher melted inside.
“Yeah, I like that,” she said. “Our road trip isn’t our final tour, it’s just to tide us over until the next adventure. Thanks again for taking the time to plan it, Topher. It means the world to us.”
“Don’t mention it,” Topher said. “It’ll be a summer to remember.”
“You’ve got that right,” Sam said. “Well, I’m gonna try to rest. Good night, see you tomorrow!”
“Good night, Sam.”
She signed off and the only thing left on Topher’s blank computer screen was his own reflection staring back at him. For the first time, a profound loneliness began to fill the pit of his stomach. Since he was the only one among his friends staying in Downers Grove for college, the upcoming farewell was much more harrowing for Topher. The others got to move on in a way he didn’t—like he was a bird still stuck in the nest.
Staying in Downers Grove hadn’t been Topher’s first choice. He had applied and been accepted to MIT and had been looking forward to attending the prestigious school in the fall. Being in Massachusetts also meant he’d be close to Sam in Rhode Island, which really sweetened the deal. Unfortunately, life had other plans.
There was a soft knock on Topher’s door.
“Come in,” he said.
Topher’s mother, Shelly Collins, stepped inside his bedroom. She was already dressed for her night shift at the hotel she worked at in Chicago.
“Hey,” she said. “Hope I’m not interrupting WizFest.”
“Mom, for the hundredth time, it’s WizCon,” Topher said. “And we just finished.”
“Oh sorry, WizCon,” Shelly said. “Well, I’m headed to work. Billy is already asleep downstairs so you don’t need to worry about putting him to bed.”
Topher’s twelve-year-old brother had cerebral palsy and had been confined to a wheelchair for most his life. Even though he had limited speech and needed assistance eating, bathing, dressing, and using the restroom, disabled and handicapped were words Topher would never use to describe his brother. Billy was the happiest and most loving child Topher had ever met. He laughed and smiled at every opportunity he could, even if there was nothing to laugh or smile about. It was like Billy knew a secret the rest of the world hadn’t figured out yet.
“Cool, I’ll check on him before I go to bed,” Topher said.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” Shelly said, but lingered in the doorway.
“Anything else?” he asked.
There definitely was—Shelly had a look in her eye that told Topher she had something serious she needed to get off her chest. She had a seat on his bed so they could talk.
“I’ve felt so guilty I haven’t had a chance to thank you,” Shelly said. “What you’re doing for your brother—what you’re doing for our family—well, it’s something that should’ve never been asked of you.”
“Mom, you gotta stop feeling bad about it,” Topher said. “If I went away to school, you couldn’t juggle Billy and work all on your own. Dad’s teaching gig in Seattle is only going to last two more years—that gives me plenty of time to get my GE degree here and transfer to someplace fancier when he gets back. It’ll be a lot cheaper for me in the long run, too.”
“Just because it makes sense doesn’t make it right,” Shelly said, and glanced up at his valedictorian medal. “You worked so hard in school so you could go to a good college. I never wanted your brother to set you back in any way, or give you a reason to resent him later.”
Although a good portion of Billy’s care fell on Topher’s shoulders, he never resented his brother. Having a sibling with special needs was exhausting and stressful in ways people could never understand without experiencing it themselves, but the only resentment Topher ever felt was toward the people who pretended to know what it was like—or worse, the people who didn’t even try.
In many ways, Topher had more reasons to be thankful for his brother. Living with someone who had actual struggles and genuine limitations gave Topher a unique perspective on his own life: Topher was an overachiever and a perfectionist because, in his mind, there was no reason he couldn’t be. His daily inconveniences seemed so minor in comparison to his brother’s. And knowing his brother would become his sole responsibility one day when their parents were gone, Topher never gave himself the option of failing.
Billy wasn’t keeping Topher from success; he was the key to Topher’s success.
“Mom, I would never blame Billy for this,” Topher said. “This is my decision and no one else’s. And it’s not a setback, it’s just a detour. MIT isn’t going anywhere.”
Shelly smiled, but the guilt never left her eyes.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve a son like you,” she said. “Now, speaking of detours, is everything set for your trip tomorrow?”
“I think so,” Topher said. “Thanks again for letting us use your car and taking the time off work so I could go.”
“It’s the least I could do,” Shelly said, and checked her watch. “I better get going so I’m not late—the drunks and stoners aren’t going to check in themselves. I’ll stop at the gas station on my way home so you can start your day tomorrow with a full tank.”
She kissed her son on the forehead and left for work.
Topher would have been lying to himself if he said he was happy about the decision to stay home for college. Still, he knew the right decision wasn’t always the easy one—that was a lesson Dr. Bumfuzzle had taught him in one of the early episodes of Wiz Kids.
He felt pathetic for thinking it, but even at eighteen, Topher held the fictional doctor in as much regard as he had when he was a child. Cash Carter’s character had always been a source of strength and inspiration during rough times. To this day, whenever he faced a challenge, Topher asked himself, What would Dr. Bumfuzzle do? and an answer would present itself.
Even though the character didn’t exist, Topher was often inclined to express his gratitude for his positive influence. So whenever the spirit moved him, he’d venture to CashCarter.com and write the actor a thank-you letter. It was either that or have a conversation with the poster in his bedroom.
Dear Mr. Carter,
It’s Topher Collins again from Downers Grove, Illinois. I know I’ve said this to you a thousand times, but once again I feel the need to thank you for your work on the show. I understand as an actor you have very little control over the things your character does, but the way you’ve portrayed him through the years has had such a profound effect on my friends and me. He’s our hero and we have you to thank.
Watching Wiz Kids is what brought us together, and watching the show is going to keep us together. We recently graduated high school and are splitting up soon to attend different colleges. I don’t know how we would stay connected if it weren’t for our Wednesday-night viewing parties. I’m sure it isn’t easy being famous or working on the same show for so long, but please know you have fans that couldn’t be more grateful for everything you do.
I don’t want to take any more of your time, but in case I get busy with school and don’t have a chance to write you again, it’s been a pleasure watching you and a privilege growing up with you.
Sincerely,
Topher Collins
Downers Grove, Illinois
PS—We leave tomorrow for a cross-country road trip. If you’re free
, we would love for you to join us! LOL.
Topher figured that was enough vulnerability for one letter and sent it in. Just like all the letters he had sent Cash Carter over the years, he was sure it would get lost among the thousands the actor received daily. Regardless, it felt nice to pay his respects.
Topher went downstairs to check on his brother and found Billy sound asleep in his favorite Captain America pajamas. He slept so peacefully it made Topher tired just looking at him. With a huge day ahead of him, Topher got a glass of water from the kitchen and climbed the stairs back to his room to put himself to bed.
When Topher returned to his bedroom, the first thing that caught his eye was a notification on his computer screen he had never seen before. It was an alert from CashCarter.com letting him know his letter had been received… and the actor had replied!
Topher’s heart began palpitating and almost dropped into his stomach. Was this real life? He read the notification over and over again but it never changed. Holy shit this was real life! He dashed to his desk at lightning speed, tripped over his chair, and crawled on his knees to the edge of his desk. He clicked the link on the notification and the actor’s response loaded. With two words, Topher Collins’s life would never be the same:
What time?
Chapter Three
What the Psychic Said
Sam Gibson hated garlic with a fiery passion. At four o’clock, Monday through Saturday, the restaurant below her mother’s apartment, Garliholic’s, fired up its stoves and sent a strong aroma through the floorboards of Sam’s bedroom. The odor clung to her clothes and was impossible to mask with perfume or cologne, so she carried it wherever she went like a smelly Scarlet Letter.
