by Chris Colfer
His stomach filled with butterflies as he pulled up the messages a guy named Brian K had sent him.
Hey sexy!
Saw you were going to be in Oklahoma City tomorrow night.
I’ve been here since Thursday for a job.
Wanna meet up?
Joey scanned through Brian K’s profile before responding. He seemed tall, had really big arms, and a very bright smile. Brian claimed to be a twenty-eight-year-old architect from San Diego and had several pictures of himself in a hard hat with blueprints at construction sites to prove it. Joey knew people weren’t always truthful on hookup apps (he being one of them), but Brian was pretty convincing.
After fifteen different drafts, Joey responded to Brian’s message.
Hi, Brian.
Would love to meet up.
Just name the time and the place.
A strong surge of nerves went through Joey’s core like a train speeding past a metro platform. He had never even talked to another gay guy before and here he was, mapping out his first sexual experience. It gave him a thrill, like he had successfully robbed a bank.
Of course, he knew having sex or being gay wasn’t against the law (well, at least not anymore) but Joey had been programmed since birth to believe both were major sins. According to Pastor Jeb’s sermons at church, Joey was most definitely going to burn in hell for giving in to his homosexual urges. But if his father was accurate about all his condemnations, hell sounded like an awfully crowded place.
Perhaps God had changed his mind about gay people to save space?
Joey could picture the scene as if it was from a movie: God (played by Ian McKellen) walked into a long boardroom in heaven and was joined by Moses (played by Denzel Washington) and Jesus (played by Idris Elba).
“Boys, I’ve changed my mind about the homosexuals,” God said. “Perhaps acting out the physical urges they’re born with is not as bad as committing murder, rape, and theft. I don’t think they deserve to go to hell and I regret ever implying it.”
“I think that’s a great decision,” Moses said. “We’ve been getting some complaints that hell is maxed to capacity. We weren’t sure how to respond because, you know, it’s supposed to be hell.”
“I couldn’t agree more, Dad,” Jesus said. “I’ve said from the beginning that I love everyone. The message has gotten mixed up over the years, but it’s not too late to remind people.”
“Then it’s settled,” God said. “We’ll start by making the gay men remarkably attractive and the lesbian women capable of absolutely everything so everyone knows they have my blessing. The gay people will teach the rest of the world how to have fun, slowly winning them over, until there’s acceptance and marriage equality in every country on earth.”
“What about the people who still believe it’s against your will?” Moses asked. “Trust me, I know how stubborn people can be when it comes to change.”
God thought about it for a moment, and then came up with a great answer.
“We’ll make the gay community so accepting of every race, culture, and nationality, it’ll be obvious they’re representing me,” he said.
“But what if people choose to look past that?” Jesus asked. “I had some trouble convincing them I was representing you, too, remember?”
God scratched his beard and pondered that for a moment.
“I’ve got it,” he said. “We’ll make it very common for the people who discriminate against gay people to ignore the signs of global warming, inherently making homophobes responsible for ruining the planet. No one will want to side with them and gay people will finally be accepted by all.”
“Terrific!” Jesus said. “That should do the trick!”
“Fantastic plan,” Moses said. “That’s why you’re God.”
The scene was projected frequently at the theater inside Joey’s mind, but it was a show his family would never buy tickets to. No matter how much the world changed, the Davises and their church refused to evolve with it. Even as other churches and denominations moved forward, the congregation of Naperville First Baptist proudly held their gearshift on reverse.
The people in Joey’s life were so offensive and vocal with their disdain for homosexuality, he worried he’d drown in the shame and guilt their words caused him. Other times, he was almost thankful for their honesty. Knowing he would never be accepted meant he never had to torture himself with the question of acceptance.
Luckily, Joey never had to worry about the truth slipping out like most gay teens did. Being the son of a pastor may have given him a mountain of issues, but it also gave him the perfect front when he needed one. Over the years he had become a master at dodging questions and changing subjects, and on the rare occasion he couldn’t deflect, he just blamed all his sexual reluctance, reservations, and ignorance on his family’s faith.
Joey had also become a master at suppressing his physical desires. He’d known he was gay since middle school but put off the idea of fooling around with another guy like it was a trip he’d take someday in the future; sex was something for the bucket list, not his immediate agenda. It was increasingly difficult to postpone the older he got and the stronger his hormones became. His sexual urges were no different from other guys his age—it was like a big horny Hulk was caged inside of him, desperate to be unleashed. But unlike his straight peers who made jokes and talked about it constantly to relieve the pressure, any outlet Joey used would only lead to suspicion.
The feeling came to a peak in his senior year of high school. He felt like he might explode if he didn’t have a physical experience—it wasn’t just sex that he craved, but something—anything—that made him feel alive and not compressed in his own skin. It was unlikely he’d get his rocks off with anyone at Oklahoma Baptist University, so he needed to do it before he left for school. If he just had that one experience—that one memory he could take to college—he might be able to suppress his feelings for another few years.
The summer road trip was the best opportunity he was going to get. He and his friends would be so far from home, if he hooked up with a guy along the way they would never know who he was, and it would never get back to his family in Downers Grove. It was perfect, and he set a plan into motion.
“Yeah, Daddy! Yeah, Daddy!” Joey’s phone chimed with new notifications from ManNip.
I’ll message you tomorrow with a plan to meet up.
See you then, sexy. XO Brian
Knowing he was hours away from (hopefully) losing his virginity made Joey’s heart race. The front of his pants became tighter and tighter as his eagerness grew inside and out. It was almost time to meet up with his friends, but Joey needed some release before hitting the road.
Joey opened his laptop and clicked on a folder marked SCHOOL. Like he was navigating a digital labyrinth, he traveled through a series of strategically labeled folders—COLLEGE APPLICATIONS, ACCEPTANCE LETTERS, etc.—and finally came to a password-protected folder marked OBU. The folder was filled with pictures of actresses in bikinis and topless photos of models, but this was just a smokescreen in case one of his brothers managed to get this far into his hard drive. What Joey was after was in a second password-protected folder marked SINFUL.
SINFUL was an erotic treasure trove with photos of shirtless actors, athletes, and male models—including pictures of Cash Carter and Tobey Ramous from Wiz Kids. There were videos and stills from professional and amateur gay porn Joey had saved from the Internet. Whatever he could possibly want to fantasize about was at the fingertips of his free hand.
Joey was glad he had managed to conceal his collection so efficiently, but going to such lengths to hide it was painfully disheartening. The dishonesty he lived with every day weighed on him like a ball and chain. Each time he opened SINFUL, the weight got heavier and heavier. Joey had carried it for so long, he couldn’t imagine life without it.
Just like the pornography on his computer, Joey was also hidden under a series of misleading layers, and it would take a very skille
d hacker to bring him to the surface.
Chapter Six
THE FIFTH PASSENGER
“The engine likes to play possum, but it always starts after the third or fourth try,” Shelly Collins explained as the keys of her 1994 Chevrolet station wagon dangled from her fingers. “The headlights take a few seconds to click on, so don’t panic if you don’t see them right away. The windshield wipers are broken, so just pull over and wait for the rain to stop if you get caught in a storm. Also, the gas gauge only works when it wants to. Make sure you fill up the tank every three hundred miles regardless of what it says—Topher, are you listening to me?”
Topher was so lost in thought he hadn’t heard a word his mother said. The only thing he could think about was the message he had received the night before from CashCarter.com.
“I totally comprehend,” he lied. “Relax, Mom. You’ve had that car longer than you’ve had me. I know what works and what doesn’t.”
Topher reached for the keys but Shelly yanked them away as if she was taunting a kitten.
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive? You look tired.”
Topher wasn’t tired, he was exhausted. How could anyone sleep after receiving a message from his childhood hero? The words What time? flashed in his mind all night like a dying lightbulb.
“I’m perfectly rested,” he lied again. “I’m just anxious to get on the road. What time is it, anyway?”
Topher glanced at all the clocks in the house, but they said different things. Shelly checked her watch.
“It’s nine fifty-five,” she said. “What time are Joey, Sam, and Mo meeting you?”
“They should be here any minute now,” Topher said. “In fact, I’m going to wait outside so we can leave as soon as they show up. Can I have the keys now?”
Shelly held the keys above her head, forcing her son to hug her before she handed them over.
“Please drive safe and come back to us in one piece.”
“I promise,” he said. “Thanks again for letting us use your car.”
Topher grabbed his suitcase and headed for the door, passing Billy on the way.
“Later, dude,” Topher said. “Stay out of trouble while I’m gone, okay? No wild parties without me.”
“Finally, I’ll get to watch something on TV besides Wiz Kids,” Billy said as clearly as he could.
“It’s all yours, little bro,” Topher said. “Just don’t overdose on Ancient Aliens. And take care of Mom while I’m gone.”
Topher gave Billy’s good hand a fist bump, then hurried out the door. He loaded his suitcase into the back of the station wagon, then paced the driveway, scanning his neighborhood street with the intensity of an FBI agent looking for a wanted fugitive.
“Get ahold of yourself, Topher,” he thought aloud. “It wasn’t really him. Some web programmer is just busting your balls—they’re probably laughing at you right now.”
Suddenly, a black SUV turned onto his street. Topher had never seen the car in his neighborhood before and his heart started to race.
“Then again, what if he’s never been on a road trip before? What if he’s always wanted to go on one and was just waiting for someone to ask him? Oh my God what if he’s in that car right now?”
The SUV got closer and closer, making Topher’s heart beat faster and faster. To both his relief and disappointment, it turned down another street before it could pass his house.
“God, I’m so gullible.” Topher laughed. “I can’t believe I was up all night wondering if—”
“Who are you talking to?” said a voice directly behind him, causing Topher to jump a foot into the air. He quickly turned around and saw Joey and Sam with their luggage in hand.
“Jesus, you guys are stealthy!” Topher said.
“Good morning to you, too.” Sam giggled. “Were you talking to yourself just now?”
“What? Of course not,” Topher said. “I was just going over our itinerary in my head. I wasn’t expecting you guys would get here so early.”
“You’re the one who insisted we get here at ten o’clock sharp,” Sam reminded him. “That may mean fifteen past ten in Mo time, but Joey and I are usually prompt.”
“I know, I just wasn’t expecting you guys to appear out of the mist like that.”
“Dude, you’ve been so skittish lately,” Joey noted. “I hope you aren’t taking Adderall again.”
“Please, I learned my lesson during finals week,” Topher said, and changed the subject. “Well, happy first day of the road trip! Can I help you with your bags?”
He took their luggage and put it in the back of the station wagon with his own. Joey and Sam shared a look as he loaded the car—something was off about him.
“Topher, are you feeling okay? You seem a little stressed,” Sam asked.
“Nah, I just didn’t sleep much last night,” Topher said.
“Were you up late watching Naughty Nurses again?” Joey asked.
“No—it wasn’t like that,” Topher said. “And I told you about that in confidence.”
“Then what was it? Did Billy have another rough night?” Sam asked.
For a second Topher considered keeping it from them out of fear of embarrassment, but he figured they’d all get a good laugh out of it.
“Last night before I went to bed, I went to Cash Carter’s website and wrote him a letter,” Topher explained.
“A letter?” Sam said—already getting amusement out of it. “What kind of letter? Did you profess your undying love?”
“No, I just thanked him for entertaining us over the years,” Topher said. “I also mentioned we were going on a road trip and invited him to come along.”
“You did what?” Joey said with a laugh. “Oh man, I hope you didn’t include our names on it. That’s next-level lame.”
“It was just a joke—anyway, getting to the point, I got a response.”
“From the website?” Sam asked. “What did it say?”
“Let me guess,” Joey said. “‘Dear Friend, thank you so much for this message blah blah blah I’m too busy to respond to everyone blah blah blah Wiz Kids Wednesday nights at eight.’ Something like that?”
“No, it said ‘What time?’” Topher said. “So I responded with my address and the time we were leaving but didn’t hear back after that. I was up all night stressing over whether or not Cash Carter was planning to show up this morning.”
He pulled the exchange up on his phone so they could see it for themselves. Joey and Sam looked at each other, looked back at Topher, and then burst into laughter. They laughed so hard tears came to their eyes. Their amusement was contagious and Topher snickered at his own stupidity.
“Pretty dumb, right?” Topher said.
“Oh gosh, that’s hysterical!” Joey laughed. “Someone at his website was totally messing with you! And you believed it!”
“This is just like that thing during freshman year,” Sam said. “Remember when Mo thought she was Facebooking with the real Tobey Ramous? But it turned out to be a creepy old man with an Asian fetish!”
“Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad,” Topher said. “At least mine came from a reliable source.”
“I still can’t believe you thought there was even a chance Cash Carter would show up in Downers Grove.” Joey laughed. “Can you imagine any celebrity driving cross country in an old station wagon? You should never have told us, because we aren’t ever letting you forget about it.”
Suddenly, the sound of screeching brakes caught them by surprise. They turned just in time to see a shiny black town car pull up to the curb. The driver hopped out and hurried to open the passenger door. A cigarette butt was flicked out of the backseat first and was followed by a very good-looking man in his early twenties. He wore thick sunglasses, a black leather jacket, dark jeans, and designer boots. The passenger yawned and stretched before turning toward Topher and his friends.
“Howdy,” the passenger said. “Are one of you guys Topher Collins?”
Topher
, Joey, and Sam went numb from head to toe. They couldn’t feel, they couldn’t think, they couldn’t even breathe—all they could do was stare at the newcomer as if he were Bigfoot.
“Holy fuckballs.” Joey gasped. “You’re Cash Carter.”
Cash eyed the paralyzed trio over his sunglasses.
“Yup, this is definitely it,” he announced.
It took them a few moments to realize who he was because Cash looked nothing like the nerdy quantum physics expert he played on television, but more like a modern James Dean. His hair was messy, he had stubble and poor posture. Without the benefits of a well-lit set, for the first time they noticed his pores, the lines on his forehead, and a hint of crow’s-feet.
“Thanks for the lift, Larry,” Cash said. “Sorry it was scheduled on such short notice.”
The driver popped the trunk and handed Cash a black backpack with golden zippers. The actor slipped his driver some money and shook his hand.
“No problem at all, Mr. Carter,” Larry said. “Enjoy your trip and let us know next time you’re in the Chicago area.”
Larry returned to the driver’s seat and drove off, leaving Cash alone in the presence of three very still, quiet, and bewildered teenagers.
“No, you’re not dreaming—I’m really here,” Cash said playfully, but still didn’t get a response out of them. “Oh come on, you can’t be that surprised to see me. You did invite me, after all.”
“Yes—we did! I mean—I d-d-did!” Topher stuttered. “I’m Topher Collins. It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter.”
Topher stepped forward and shook Cash’s hand so aggressively he almost broke it.
“That’s quite a handshake you’ve got,” Cash said.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” Topher said. “Forgive us, but we’re kind of freaking out right now. I hoped you might come, but I didn’t expect you’d actually show up. Wait—you’re not here because you think I’m dying, right? I hope no one told you I was sick or something, because I’m perfectly healthy.”
