by Chris Colfer
It was hard to follow a remark like that. The others were already disturbed and they hadn’t even started the game.
“Go ahead, Topher. Give it a shot.”
“Oh geez,” he said. “Never have I ever… um, murdered someone? Is that good?”
“Nice try—but the idea is to eliminate everyone else,” Cash said. “Think of things everyone’s done but you. Joey, you’re next.”
“Never have I ever been in trouble with the law,” Joey said.
Cash was the only one to put a finger down.
“Good one,” the actor said. “And to put those judgmental looks to rest, I was lightly arrested once in 2014 for protesting this pipeline thing, but I was just trying to impress this actress I was sleeping with. Sam, now it’s your turn.”
“Never have I ever starred in a television show,” he said.
“Well, that was pointed,” Cash said, and lowered another finger. “Mo, you’re next. And let’s try to be more original, like my CW reference.”
“Never have I ever ruined a landmark,” Mo said.
Cash sighed and dropped his hands. “Okay—new game, guys,” he said. “Why don’t we just cut to the chase? Let’s go in a circle and tell a secret we’ve never shared before. Why don’t you start, Joey? I’ve got a feeling you have a secret you want to share.”
The actor gave him a playful wink. Joey glared at him like his days were numbered.
“Sure…,” he said. “This one time when I was ten, I took a twenty-dollar bill out of the offering basket at church so I could go see the new X-Men movie. My parents wouldn’t give me money to see it. They said any form of evolution, even fictional mutants, was a mark of the beast. I felt so guilty about it, I tithed all the money from my next birthday to the church.”
His confession made his friends laugh and feel sad at the same time.
“Solid secret,” Cash said. “Let’s go to Topher next.”
“Oh gosh,” he said. “The night we were all watching the season six finale of Wiz Kids at Joey’s house, I was actually supposed to be watching Billy while my mom was at a Bunco party. I gave him some cold medicine so he would sleep and ran home to check on him every commercial break.”
His friends were flabbergasted—amused, but flabbergasted.
“I remember that!” Mo laughed. “We all thought you had diarrhea and just didn’t want to poop at Joey’s house!”
“Nice one, Topher,” Cash said. “Sam, it’s your turn to spill a secret!”
“I’ve got it,” he said. “This one time, I got so mad at my mom, I threw her pageant tiara out of the window of our apartment. It shattered into eight pieces. Thankfully, I was able to put most of it back together, but a good chunk of it was irreparable. So I replaced it using a wire hanger and Skittles dipped in glitter. To this day, my mom still hasn’t noticed the difference. I almost included it in the portfolio I sent to the Rhode Island School of Design.”
“Sam, you didn’t!” Joey said.
“Girl, that’s hilarious!” Mo said.
“I can’t even imagine what your mom would do if she found out!” Topher said.
The gang burst into laughter as they imagined what Candy Rae Gibson’s face would look like if she learned the truth.
“Mo, think you can top that one?” Cash asked.
“Well, I did go through this trolling phase once,” she confessed. “There’s this girl named WizKidLiz01 who also writes fanfiction. She was getting a lot of attention so I checked out her stuff—more than half of it had been plagiarized from my fanfiction! Needless to say, I was furious. I tried calling her out on it in the comments section, but no one ever acknowledged it—in fact, they only showered WizKidLiz01 with even more praise. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions, so I created a fake user name, HydeBitch666, and spammed her comment section with the foulest things I could find on the Internet. Then one day, as I was posting a GIF of a decapitated giraffe on her profile, I learned WizKidLiz01 was a little girl with Down syndrome.”
Everyone else gasped so deeply they made the fire flicker. They were so appalled it took a few moments before their shock settled into uncomfortable laughter.
“Mo, that’s awful!” Sam said.
“And I thought I was going to hell!” Joey teased.
“I’ve made up for it,” Mo said in her defense. “Every time WizKidLiz01 posts something new I leave her at least ten positive comments from my real account, and I always send her an e-card on her birthday.”
“Okay, I guess it’s my turn next,” Cash said.
“I doubt there’s anything we don’t already know about you,” Topher said. “And nothing that would shock us at this point.”
The actor was up for the challenge. “Let me think of something really good,” he said, and went quiet until he thought of the perfect confession. “I bet none of you knew my real name isn’t Cash Carter.”
“No way!” Joey said.
“You’re joking!” Mo said.
“It’s true,” he said. “After I was cast in Wiz Kids, I had to turn in some paperwork to the Screen Actors Guild to get my SAG card. Well, if your real name is already taken, you have to come up with something else. “Jackson” by Johnny Cash and June Carter happened to be playing in the lobby of the SAG headquarters, so I came up with Cash Carter.”
“That’s insane!” Sam said.
“So what’s your real name?” Topher asked.
“Now, that you’re not going to believe,” Cash said. “It’s Tom Hanks.”
The others laughed harder than they had all night.
“I don’t believe you!” Mo said.
“We’re not falling for that one!” Joey said.
“I’ll prove it,” Cash said, and showed them his driver’s license. “See, my legal name is Thomas Anthony Hanks.”
The Downers Grove quartet were amazed. Three days ago they thought they knew everything there was to know about their favorite actor, but he had more surprises in him than a Game of Thrones episode.
“Why didn’t you go by Anthony?” Sam asked.
“Because that’s my dad’s name,” Cash said. “And he’s not really in my life anymore—neither of my parents are.”
“Where are your parents?” Joey asked.
Cash stared into the fire, deeply hesitant to answer. But since they were sharing such personal stories with him, he wanted to share something personal, too. There was something between him and the teenagers he hadn’t felt with other people in a very long time—trust.
“Last I heard, my mom was still in prison and my dad was just getting out,” he said. “They’re not good people. They used to beat each other up and sometimes I’d get caught in the middle of it. Child Protective Services eventually removed me from their custody and sent me to live with my great-aunt Peggy in Orange County. That’s why I loved this place so much as a kid—it was the only escape I ever got.”
The others weren’t expecting a story like that to come from him, but they were glad it did. For the first time since Cash came into their lives, they didn’t see him as their favorite character on television or the pain-in-the-ass celebrity beneath a facade; Cash was just another soul sharing his secrets and scars around a makeshift campfire.
“I’m so sorry to hear that, man,” Topher said.
“Don’t be,” he said. “It worked out for me in the end. If I hadn’t been sent to my aunt Peggy’s house, I would never have auditioned for Wiz Kids. She was a wannabe actress in her early days and pushed me into the business to live vicariously through me. Wiz Kids was only my fourth audition, so imagine her surprise when we got the call that I had booked the job!”
“I can’t imagine how excited she must have been,” Mo said.
Cash laughed at the thought. “I’ve still never seen a smile fill a face so much,” he said. “Peggy was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a couple years ago. She doesn’t remember a thing about Thomas Anthony Hanks or Cash Carter anymore.”
The vibe among the group had defin
itely changed, but the actor was keen to get them back on a positive note.
“Okay, no more secrets!” he said. “I’ve got something that will lighten our spirits.”
The actor removed a joint from his pocket and waved it through the air like it was a magic wand. The others exchanged a troubled glance and tensed up like he was holding a deadly weapon.
“I’m willing to bet some serious money none of you guys have ever smoked pot before,” Cash said.
“Correct,” Topher said. “And we’re not going to start now.”
“No way,” Mo said, and shook her head like a toddler refusing to eat her vegetables. “That stuff kills brain cells.”
“You shouldn’t have that stuff here! It’s illegal in Kansas,” Sam said.
Cash raised his hands defensively to calm them.
“Easy, GOP youth,” he said. “Do I look like I’ve got a black cape and a twirly mustache? I’m not going to force it on you. I just thought it might be something you’d want to try before heading to college.”
“I wanna do it!” Joey said.
Of all the absurd and shocking things they had heard tonight, Joey’s eagerness to smoke marijuana was the most shocking of all.
“Joseph Davis!” Mo said. “What if we get caught?”
Cash looked around the park to make sure she was in the same place the rest of them were.
“Who’s going to catch us?” he asked. “You think the police are going to sniff it out and storm through the gates? Good! Maybe they’ll give us a ride back into civilization.”
“And it seems like we have more fun when we step outside our comfort zones,” Joey said. “If I’m going to do it, I’d rather make the memory with you guys than with some strangers in college. Besides, I doubt there’ll be many chances for new experiences where I’m going.”
His reasoning must have resonated with the others, because after Joey took the first hit, he passed the joint around to his friends and they all gave it a try. The smoke burned their throats and lungs as they inhaled, and they coughed and wheezed as they exhaled. Topher passed out bottles of water and cough drops from his earthquake kit.
“How do you guys feel?” Cash asked.
“Not bad after I stopped coughing,” Topher said.
“I guess I feel more relaxed,” Sam said.
“My eyes feel heavy but other than that I’m fine,” Mo said.
“Yeah, it’s not as intense as I thought it would be,” Joey said. “Should we hit it again?”
“Give it a couple minutes,” Cash recommended. “This stuff is fresh off the Los Feliz streets, none of that medicinal pussy shit. It may take a moment to kick in or it might not even work at all your first time.”
A half hour later, Topher was sitting as still as a statue, Joey was staring at the starry sky in wonder, Sam was trying desperately not to laugh at everything he saw, and Mo was rubbing herself like she was covered in bugs. The three-day supply of granola bars in the earthquake kit had also been consumed in a matter of minutes.
“Looks like it’s kicking in,” Cash observed. “How are you guys feeling now?”
“Clouds,” Topher said slowly. “There are clouds in my head.”
“Congratulations, you’re a traditional stoner,” Cash said. “What about you, Sam?”
With the attention suddenly placed on him, Sam couldn’t contain his laughter anymore. He rolled onto his back and rocked back and forth like a roly-poly that couldn’t get up.
“Everything tickles!” he peeped as happy tears streamed down his face.
“Sam’s in a good place—we call that a comedian,” Cash said. “Joey? How you feeling, bro?”
Joey never looked down from the stars. “I feel like parts of my brain are working that I’ve never used before,” he explained with prolonged blinks. “It’s like, I sense this deep connection with the stars and stuff. It’s like, they always had names, colors, and feelings before, but I’m only just noticing it. I can’t tell if this is like, a forever-and-always-from-this-day-forward sort of thing, or an only-right-now-today-in-this-moment-because-I’m-high-in-the-state-of-Kansas thing, you know?”
“Joey’s a professor,” Cash declared. “How’s the Mary Jane treating you, Mo?”
“I hate to say it, but I actually don’t feel any different than before,” she said. “I’m a little jealous it’s not working on me the way it is on—HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”
Mo jerked her head toward a small noise in the distance.
“Relax, Mo,” Cash said softly, like he was talking to a toddler. “It was probably just a raccoon—”
“A RACCOON?” Mo shouted in terror. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX WHEN THERE ARE RACCOONS? HOW CAN ANYONE SLEEP AT NIGHT WHEN THOSE THINGS ARE CRAWLING AROUND THE WORLD? OH MY GOD, THEY HAVE DIGITS! WHY WOULD GOD MAKE AN ANIMAL YOU CAN HIGH-FIVE—WHY WOULD HE DO IT?”
“Mo, the pot’s making you paranoid. Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of people. Just remember, the raccoons are more afraid of you than you are of them, I promise.”
“The raccoons are afraid of Mo!” Sam giggled. “They read her fanfiction and now they’re scared!”
“Raaaaccoooooon,” Topher slowly sounded out. “Huh, strange word.”
“It makes you wonder why any of us are what we are, doesn’t it?” Joey said as if he was speaking directly to the stars. “I mean, what separates us from raccoons? Like, really though? We’re born, we fight, we eat, we mate, we raise our young, and we die just like them. So why aren’t we the raccoons? We don’t dig through the trash like they do, but we’re still scavengers.”
“I dig through the trash!” Sam squealed. “Does that make me a raccoon? I’d be such a cute raccoon!”
“CAN WE STOP SAYING THE WORD RACCOON?” Mo begged, and rubbed her body like one was crawling under her skin. “THEY’RE GOING TO THINK WE’RE CALLING THEM OVER HERE! IF THEY TEAM UP WITH THE POSSUMS, THEY’LL OUTNUMBER US!”
“Pooooossuuuuum,” Topher said slowly. “That’s a funny one, too.”
“You know, before there were rodents, there were just stars,” Joey said. “That’s how people got all their information originally. The night sky was the very first Bible. But what’s the difference between religion and mythology? What’s the difference between men and monkeys? Or moths and butterflies? Or frogs and toads? Or muffins and cupcakes? Why are there are so many questions in this world?”
Their reactions intensified as the night went on. They were the most eccentric group of stoners Cash had ever seen and he couldn’t take his eyes off them, like they were the subjects of a fascinating nature documentary.
“GUYS!” Mo shrieked. “CAPTAIN TYDES JUST MOVED! I SAW IT! I THINK HE’S COMING TO LIFE!”
“No—he’s just a little toasty!” Sam laughed. “Get it? Because he’s on fire!”
“OH GOD, WE KILLED CAPTAIN TYDES! WE’RE MURDERERS! WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLAY NEVER HAVE I EVER AGAIN BECAUSE WE’VE DONE IT ALL! WE’VE BROKEN ALL THE LAWS AND DONE ALL THE CRIMES! OH GOD, I JUST WANT MY NORMAL LIFE BACK!”
Cash had had his fill for one night. The actor got to his feet and stretched his whole body.
“Well, my damage here is done,” he said. “I’m going to go sleep in the car.”
“You aren’t going to get high with us?” Topher asked.
“No way,” Cash said. “That shit’s clearly been laced with something. You can’t trust the stuff you buy off the street anymore—there’s a lesson you won’t learn in college.”
The actor yawned and headed for the gate. The others tried to join him, but none of them could remember how to stand.
“Don’t stay up too much longer,” Cash called behind him. “The coyotes come out at midnight!”
“COYOTES?” Mo screamed.
“Good night!”
Chapter Fourteen
RADIO HOSTS AND RACISTS
As Topher awoke on Wednesday morning, the first thing he noticed was a warm sensation on his face. The second thing he felt was
a very solid and rough surface under his body. As he opened his eyes, Topher saw the sun blazing in a corner of the sky and found himself lying on the ground in the middle of Captain’s Cove. He quickly sat up and discovered Joey, Sam, and Mo passed out on the ground nearby.
“What the hell?” he asked.
Topher looked around the abandoned theme park and saw a family of possums staring at him with judgment beaming from their beady little eyes. He recalled the bad decisions from the night before, he and his friends were suddenly splashed with water.
“Good morning, Guns N’ Roses,” Cash said as he poured water on their faces to wake them up. “Rise and shine!”
Joey, Sam, and Mo jolted to life and looked at their surroundings in disbelief. Their memory of the previous night was hazy like a bad dream.
“We slept outside last night?” Sam asked.
“How could you leave us out here, Cash?” Mo asked angrily. “A rodent probably had its way with me while I was asleep!”
“I’d say that’s a little presumptuous given all the choices,” Cash said. “Also, you were so rowdy last night I doubt an animal would approach you. How do you guys feel?”
“Surprisingly well for sleeping on cracked concrete all night,” Topher said.
“What was in that stuff?” Joey asked.
Cash shrugged. “We’ll never know,” he said. “I caught a raccoon eating the rest of the joint this morning. All concerns aside, you guys are doing much better than he is.”
The actor nodded to a dead raccoon nearby. The creature was stretched out on its back like a starfish and had bulging eyes and a slight smile on his muzzle—like he had seen God but didn’t live to tell the tale.
“I can’t believe we did drugs last night!” Sam said. “And in an abandoned theme park no less!”
“Then why are you smiling?” Mo asked.
“Because I still feel them!”
The newly christened delinquents couldn’t believe the sharp turn their lives had taken. They started their trip as outstanding citizens with great reputations and zero record of any criminal activity. However, in just three days’ time they had used false identification, trespassed, done illegal drugs, and passed out outside. How did they fall from grace so quickly? What kind of people had they become?
