“Ag man. Read it.”
My Dearest Chad,
I am sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I am sorry I haven’t replied to your last letter you sent back in January. I certainly do not blame you for no longer writing. I should have written. I wanted to, and I have tried to many, many times, but never found the right words. I know what you would say – that I am still confused – and yes, that is probably true ... well, no, it has been very true.
But I finally feel my life is going well. Dad has stopped drinking. He has been sober for four months now. I finally told him I would move out, take Lisa with me, and live with our aunt if he did not stop his drinking. So we did, and only then did he realize it was not just a threat. He stopped, and we moved back two months ago. He is doing okay. He is seeing that woman. SIS! I hate her to death, but I know Dad needs to move on, and I will have to let him. Nevertheless, I will always hate her with untold passion. I will pretend to be nice if I have to, but I really don’t want to be around her if he does ever bring her home.
Chad, I want and need to say that I miss you so very, very much. And I still love you so very, very much. I do not know what you feel now. I wish it could have been different when you were here. Life was so crazy, so awful last year. You were right ... I was afraid to love you and could not let you love me then. I wanted to. Looking back, I hate myself for so many things back then. I did love you, but I was afraid of everything. Everything!
You might hate me too much, but – and maybe I am crazy now and maybe it is too late – but I want to come to see you. I want to come and find out if there is still hope for us. I believe and hope there is. You always said you would wait. Perhaps you have, or perhaps you haven’t. I would understand if you haven’t.
I guess I’m asking what you think, what you would want. If you never write back, I will understand, but I hope and pray you feel the same. I hope and pray we can try again and pick things up from where we left off. I believe that now I can love you as you deserve. I understand I may not get the chance to prove it. If I don’t – well, know that I am so sorry and that I will always love you!
Much, much love,
Sarah.
“Holy merciful shit!”
“You did not write her, Chadwick? She does not know, does she?”
“What am I going to do, Professor? What am I going to do?”
“You are going to break someone’s heart.”
Chad nearly yelled. “Tell me what to do, Professor!”
“I cannot help you. I have no books that can assist you.”
“Damn. Damn it to hell! If only I hadn’t gotten engaged over spring break. If I wasn’t planning a wedding for September. Geez! If only ... I would beg her to come. Sarah! How can you do this to me? God, I love that girl. But … but … geez. In a different kind of way than I love Natalie. I don’t know. Professor, Natalie is so sensible, reliable, predictable, and always safe. But Sarah? Wow! Her love was full of passion, intrigue. Her love was so God-awful unpredictable – a lot of hard work, but always wonderfully exciting, enticing, and in a strange way, fulfilling. It was a love I’ve never experienced before, and may never again. What the hell shall I do?”
“What does your heart say, Chadwick?”
“My heart says to break the engagement and pour myself into the enticing, the wonderful, the passion. But that heart has gotten me into trouble far too many times.”
“What then, does the head say?”
“The head says to go with what is safe and predictable – the good and solid, the easy, simple, and realistic.”
“It is something to sleep on, Chadwick. Something you must consider cautiously and prudently. Bring your heart and mind together. However, I believe that, in the end, there is no right or wrong in such matters. There are only choices to be made. Once a choice is made – well, you must put your whole heart, mind, and soul into that decision. Then, whatever the choice may be, it becomes the right one.”
“You don’t believe in fate, in destiny, Professor?”
“Fate? No. Only choices – decisions made under the eye of the Creator. That is what determines and guides our futures. Blind fate is a fallacy.”
“That’s so … so deadly mundane. No, I believe in Destiny. Professor. What I will do is this … I will flip this coin. Let fate direct me.”
“That does not make sense, my dear friend.”
Chad tossed The Professor a quarter. “Ag man! Who ever said love makes sense, that life makes sense? Destiny makes sense. Heads, Sarah. Tails, Natalie. Now flip the coin.”
The Professor threw the coin back to him and said, “No. If it is your destiny, your decision you want to toy with, you flip the coin.”
Chad tossed the coin and let it land on the floor. He looked at it and smiled.
The Smoke That Thunders Page 34
