by Tucker, RH
At one point in time I believed that. I want to believe it again, but I can’t. However, I don’t want to tell him that either, so I simply nod.
He holds on to a piece of the rock wall, but his other hand floats around my waist. I keep my hands on his shoulders and a foot below the water, pressed against the rocks to keep me balanced and floating. He’s close―too close―but those eyes just keep burrowing in to mine and I don’t want him to leave either.
Our faces are inches apart and it’s as if we’re stuck in a stalemate. My mind drifts to the thought of what kissing him would feel like. My body catches up to my thoughts, and my eyes drift to his lips. I want to know what that feels like, what a real kiss feels like from him. And the way he’s looking at me, his eyes keep jumping from mine to my lips, I think he’s wondering the same thing. But it’s bad idea. Everything about this is a bad idea because no matter what happens, it won’t change anything. I can’t trust him.
Before I gain the courage to break away, he speaks up.
“I have a confession to make,” he whispers. I stare at him, unable to form any words. “I’ve liked you for a long time, Jen.”
I stare at him, speechless, trying to comprehend his admission. He’s liked me? For a long time? How long? It has to be since high school, right? It couldn’t have been in middle school, because why would he have―
“Since third grade.”
His eyes stay locked on mine and I can see the red blushing over his neck and then his cheeks.
“Third grade?” I finally find my words and they sound more like an accusation then a revelation.
“Yeah, I know.” He averts his eyes.
“I liked you, too,” I blurt out, immediately clenching my eyes shut, regretting saying it.
“Really?”
I nod, still keeping my eyes shut, as if doing so will magically make everything return to normal. Hoping that when I open them I’ll be back at home, everything like it was before, because it doesn’t matter what happens next. After today, after what we just said, I don’t know if we can ever be friends now.
He doesn’t say another word and I know, if for no other reason, I’ll have to at least open my eyes to swim out of the lake. When I open them, he’s staring at me. Not a confused stare or unsure stare. It’s an honest gaze that tells me it’s okay. And for a brief second, I want to believe him.
Watching me for a reaction, he inches closer to my face. His hands are still around me and mine on him. His movements spark my own and I wrap my arms tighter around his neck. His tongue sweeps across his lips and I can feel his warm breath along my chin. It makes my body move, pressing my chest against his.
Then, his lips find mine and I feel everything. It’s as if every current in the lake has charged my skin, and the soft swipe of his lips over mine light my cells on fire. My hands run up behind his neck, running through his wet hair, and I feel his hands travel down my back. He cups my butt, lifting me up a little as I straddle his waist, and he leans against the rock wall.
Arching his head back, he finds my lips for a moment only to break away from them. Sparks ignite across my chin and then my neck, as his lips cover over me. I slide back down, and he turns us around, now pressing me against the rock wall, bringing one hand up and cupping the nape of my neck. He takes a delicate nibble out of my bottom lip and I can’t help but let out a moan into his mouth. His tongue soothes the spot where he bit and then it finds my own.
Our limbs intertwined, our lips and tongues meet together as if our bodies and souls are one. I always thought we had some type of connection, whether it just be as friends or something more, but I never believed it would feel like this. Which sends a terrified shiver up my spine, because this will truly break me.
Chapter 13
Lucas
It’s almost embarrassing how many times I’ve dreamt about kissing her. How many times I’ve tried to imagine what her lips feel and taste like. It’s the main reason I could never keep a girlfriend longer than a couple weeks, because even though I’d never truly kissed Jen before, when I was kissing someone else, I would always think of her. Wonder if her lips were as soft as the ones I’d just kissed. Imagine if she smelled the same way. If my body and skin would react to her the same. But I don’t need to imagine anymore, because I have my answer.
After she got to the cabin yesterday, she disappeared into her room. But as soon as I found out she was going to be camping with us I knew this was my moment. I didn’t know how or if she’d even give me the time of day, and I sure as hell didn’t know we’d be making out in the lake, but I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t remain speechless like I had in my room and just watch her ignore me and leave. If this was going to be the last time I might have to lay everything out, then I had to take it. At the very least, I had to tell her how I felt for all these years, because if I didn’t and I never got the chance again, I’d forever regret it. I’d wonder what might have happened if I told her I’ve been in love with her for years.
And now that we’re here, there’s nowhere else I want to be. There’s nothing in the world like kissing her. Every atom in my body is shocked and I feel like I’m being drawn to her. As if she’s a magnet and I have no choice, no willpower, to do anything but fuse to her. And it’s incredible.
I move my hands again, pulling her closer to me, because even the smallest amount of water between us is too much. I want everything she’s willing to give me and I never want to let it go.
My lips trail along her jaw, as her fingers run through my wet hair, and then navigate my mouth up to her ear. Smelling and tasting her skin as I move along, I let out an insatiable groan when I bite her earlobe, her lips traveling along my neck.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” I whisper to her, and can feel her smile against my skin.
Pulling away just enough to meet her eyes, I watch as she bites her lips nervously. “Jen, I―”
“No, don’t.” She stops and her smile fades, almost as if she’s realizing what we’re doing for the first time. She stares at me, a straight line across her brow.
I know that look. I’ve seen it all too many times. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t let this end. I do the first thing that comes to mind and go to kiss her again, but it’s too late. She’s already put the wall back up; her hands fall from my shoulders and she presses her palms to my chest.
“Luc, I can’t. We can’t.”
“What?”
“We can’t do this.” Her eyes ignore mine, staring at the water.
“Yes, we can,” I argue. “I know I can, and from everything I just felt I’m pretty sure you can, too. Jen, please.”
“No,” she says softly, still not meeting me gaze. “This is … this is just pent up, or something. It’s a thing to get out of our system since we’re finally done with school.”
“Are you kidding me?” The words come out sounding hurt, and I can’t hide it. I move my hand under her chin, making her eyes meet mine, and I’m sure she can see my pained expression. “This isn’t pent-up frustration, or something I can get out of my system. You’ve been in my system for years and I can’t get rid of you.”
“You’ve gone out with girls before.”
“Yeah and I compare them all to you.”
For the first time, she stares at me, caught off guard.
I wasn’t planning on admitting all this right here and now, but I can’t stop the words from falling out of my mouth. “We never went out on a date, we never held hands, and besides our first kiss in middle school, we’ve never made out. Yet every time I did that with someone, I couldn’t help but think of you. I wanted to know what your hand felt like in mine.”
“Luc, please …” She looks away, but I can’t stop.
“I wanted to know what it felt like to talk to you, to laugh with you, or simply stare into your eyes as we went out on a date. I wanted to know what your lips would feel like against mine.”
“Luc―”
�
��Jen, I’m in love with you.”
Her mouth snaps shut, and she stares at me. I’m almost positive I’ve said too much, but I can’t help it. She’s right about one thing―even though this isn’t about getting her out of my system, I’ve definitely had these feelings bottling up inside for too long and now they’re spilling over and I can’t do a damn thing to stop them.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“Please, don’t say that.”
“I’ve loved you since third grade and I think you feel something for me, too.” Her eyes stay locked on mine. “Jen, don’t fight this. I know you feel what I’m feeling.”
“I … I can’t.” She looks away for a moment, and then meets my eyes one final time. Reaching up, she presses her hand against my cheek.
A lump forms in my throat. There’s a stinging in my eyes and I think I’m on the verge of tears. I don’t remember the last time I cried because of something emotional, but I’m certain it’s about to happen right now.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, pushing herself away, and swimming to the edge of the lake.
I lean against the rock wall, squeezing my eyes shut, fighting off the tears and trying to decipher what the hell just happened. We kissed, and it was something I’ll never forget it. How can she deny that? And to top it all off, I just told her that I loved her. I held my heart out to her and she basically said ‘no thanks’. What the hell?
“Jen!” I call out, swimming after her. “Hold on.”
“Just leave it, Luc,” she yells back.
She’s closer to the shore than I am, so I kick harder, trying to reach her. She’s on her feet, walking through the water. I swing my arms faster to try and catch up. Finally getting to a point where my feet hit the bottom, I frantically splash the water around, running after her.
“Jen, wait.”
She’s on dry land now, and even though she’s basically power walking, trying to get away, at least she’s not running. Not like I am.
I grab her arm, swinging her around. “Please, hold on a second.”
“I said drop it. I can’t, okay?”
“No, not okay. You can at least tell me why.”
“Because I can’t.”
“That’s not a reason, Jen.”
“Yes, it is.” She furrows her brow at me.
“No, it’s not.” My hand moves from her forearm, sliding down to her palm, and I pull it up, pressing it against my chest. “You feel that? I could say it’s from swimming and running after you right now, but it’s not. It’s beating like crazy, because that’s what you do to me.” Her determined look vanishes. Her eyes soften, and her shoulders start to fold. “And the way you kissed me, you have to be feeling something like that. Please, Jen, just tell me what to do. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”
“You can’t.”
“Please, you might’ve been hurt before, but I won’t do that.”
“Lucas, you can’t say that.”
“Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t. You don’t know―”
“I know, okay?” She looks up at me, unsure what I mean. “I know, even if you never talked about it, I know.” She watches me carefully, waiting for me to explain. “You never talk about you mom, but I know you must feel hurt. I can’t imagine going through that, but I won’t do that, okay?”
Her eyes shut, and I cock my head to the side, as I see slight smile on her lips. But when she looks back at me, she’s not happy. She shakes her head, keeping an incredulous half-grin on her lips.
“This isn’t going to happen,” she snaps.
“You’re saying you didn’t feel anything?” I realize I’m still holding her hand and I step closer to her. “You don’t feel anything right now?”
Her amused grin leaves, and she shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter what I feel, because you can’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“How do you know I can’t keep them.”
“Lucas, just drop it.”
“Jen, I won’t ever―”
“Don’t, Luc.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
“You already did!” she yells at me, taking a step back.
My face drops. “What?”
“That day in eighth grade,” she says, crossing her arms. “You hurt me, okay?”
“Jen, it was eighth grade. I know I screwed up, but we were just kids.”
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I haven’t argued with myself over that fact? But it doesn’t matter. You weren’t supposed to be like her.”
“Like who?” I’m trying to stay calm, but my insides are crumbling. I hurt her much worse than I thought that day. So much so, that she’ll probably never trust me again.
“My mom.”
“What are you―”
“You say you loved me since third grade, well I have you beat. I loved you from that first day I saw you.” My face drops. “And it only got worse as the years went on. And that night we kissed? I’d been wishing for that night a long time before it happened. My God, I used to make scrap books of weddings and dresses and houses, all based on you and me, because I knew I was going to marry you. I wrote ‘Jennifer Mitchel’ so many times on the inside of my folders, I probably went through hundreds of pens. I loved you, Lucas. And then you made me feel like I was nothing. Like I didn’t matter. You made me feel the exact same way my mom did when she left.”
I stand there, silent and motionless. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, her eyes are red, but she’s in complete control and I know she’s been holding back that dam of information for a long time.
“So, no,” she continues. “You can’t say you won’t ever hurt me. And no, I can’t love you anymore, because I can’t love anyone anymore. My heart’s been torn apart too many times by the ones who should’ve never done that.”
I’m still silent. My heart’s shattered, but not because she doesn’t love me. Because I’m the one who ruined it. I’m the reason she’s locking her heart away. And even if somehow, someway, I could find a way to try and get a second chance, she won’t believe me. She’ll always stay guarded. And I’m the reason why.
There’s a bend in the hiking trail, and as if the universe is sending me a signal, telling me that this will never happen and I should move on, Sasha and Tara come around.
“Oh, hey, Lucas,” Tara says, smiling.
Sasha glances between both Jen and I, and then exchanges looks with Tara. “Oh, sorry.” Sasha averts her eyes. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Nope,” Jen straightens her should and turns around, “you didn’t interrupt anything.”
I can feel Sasha’s eyes on me, but I keep them locked on Jen, watching her as she walks down the trail and around the bend, out of sight.
Chapter 14
Jen
I should feel relieved. It should feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The flood of emotions and revelations that spilled out of both Lucas and myself should have even brought a measure of closure. I told him how I felt, and he told me how he felt. But there’s no relief. Just pain.
I hide in my room for the rest of the day and fall asleep without eating dinner. When I get up to use the bathroom, there’s a small bag hanging on my door, my phone and earbuds inside. Lucas could’ve tried to talk to me or made me speak to him just to get my stuff back. He could’ve even wrote something to me, but he didn’t. He left it alone and I hated and loved that he did it.
I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to forget it. Pretend it never happened. Mostly. Because there is a small part inside, a small sliver of my heart that I’ve tried to suppress, but I can’t. And that small piece keeps his words; he loves me. It keeps his actions; he kissed me. And it stores everything I felt; the feeling of his skin against mine, his warm breath against my ear, and the feeling of my heart melting as he stared into my eyes.
All of that made the rest of the weekend painfully slow. I tried to
act as normal as I could, but Nancy kept shooting me worried looks. Every time Lucas would walk into the cabin, I could tell he was trying to keep his distance. When he finally left the area, I found myself letting out a deep sigh of relief.
By the time we’re packing everything up Monday morning, I’m more than ready to finally get home. I put my last bag in our backseat and turn around to see Rich walking over.
“Hey, Jen.”
“Hey.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “So, I know it’s none of my business―”
“If it’s none of your business, then stay out of it.” You don’t have to be a genius to know where this is going.
“Jen, look, I don’t know what the hell’s going on between you and Lucas―”
“Still none of your business, Rich.”
“But what I do know, is the guy was hanging out with Johnny and I last night and was practically sulking. You know, I always wondered why he never kept a steady girlfriend in high school, but I figured he was busy or distracted or whatever. But now I see it.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“You two. I always made fun of him when we were all little, but I never thought it was real.”
I shake my head, letting out an annoyed breath. “What’s your point?”
“Whatever’s going on, you guys need to figure it out. We were hanging out last night, and he was practically ignoring this girl.”
My jaw drops as I scoff. “Seriously? Lucas not getting any action is not my problem.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. I’m not talking about just him. Where were you this weekend?” I meet his eyes for a second, only to stare down at the ground. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, or if it’s good or bad, but whatever it is, it’s there. And I don’t think either of you are going to be able to move on until you actually come to grips with it. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.”
