by Tucker, RH
He laughs. “No, you really shouldn’t have, cuz I’m using that info as ammunition for years. I still can’t believe she didn’t punch you though.”
“You and me both.”
I told Jackson all about going back to Jen’s, her seeing the texts Sasha sent, and practically throwing me out of her house. Then, waking up to Sasha the next morning, our incredibly awkward make out session, my morning tentage, and the pathetic apology that followed. He took it all in, nodding and seeming to understand. The next day he initiated his ‘boner checks’, which I have not, nor will I ever, get used to. It’s not only embarrassing because he only does it when we’re out in public, but it hurts like a mother.
“Hey, let’s get some Starbucks.”
“All right.” I follow along as we head inside.
As soon as I walk through the door I see Emma standing in line, waiting to order. I scan the entire store looking for Jen, but I don’t see her. I don’t see Carter either. Jackson doesn’t notice her, so I trail behind him, hoping she doesn’t see me and that he won’t recognize her. Of course, he does, and walks up behind her, tapping her on the shoulder.
“Hey, Emma.”
“Oh, hey,” she responds, smiling. It leaves her when she sees me. “Hey, Lucas.”
“Hey.”
“Where’s Carter?” Jackson asks.
“Oh, he’s in the bathroom. You guys going to the movies? We just saw Broken Force.”
“Oh, cool. No, we just got out, too.”
“Cool.” She nods and then looks at me again.
“Hey, what’s up guys?” Carter walks up from behind us, slapping me on the shoulder.
“What’s up, man?”
An awkward silence falls between us all. Emma shoots me another look and I have to believe she knows everything that went down between Jen and me. That means Carter knows, too. Jackson knows Emma is Jen’s best friend, so he’s in the loop. And here I am, standing around, starting to once against feel like a jackass.
Thankfully, the line moves forward and Emma steps to the counter, placing her order. Jackson must be able to sense my mood shift because he casts a look my way and I shake him off, reading the menu on the wall in front of us.
After I place my order, I turn around and see Jackson has joined Carter and Emma, talking to them about the movie. I slowly make my way over, still silent, opting to check my phone while they talk.
There’s really no point in trying to bring up Jen or even ask how she is. In the last two weeks, I’ve tried to think of something I could say to her, some way I could let her know that yes, I did screw up, but I didn’t mean it. My first thought was to tell her I wasn’t talking to Sasha anymore, but what good would that do? She’d probably tell me she didn’t ask me to do that, which she didn’t, and use it as a way to tell me how I’m like every other guy out there. Which sucks, because I’m not. She, of all people, should know that. But my track record seems to tell a different story. No matter what I try to think of to say to her or how many days pass where I tell myself it’s over and I need to move on, I can’t.
I finally get my drink and we all leave the coffee shop. As I walk through the door, a feeling of relief hits me, knowing this awkward encounter is finally about to end. Then we start walking in the same direction.
“You guys park over here?” Carter asks.
“Yeah,” Jackson says.
Another minute goes by in silence, when Emma surprisingly breaks it. “You know what? This is dumb. Lucas, what the hell did you do?”
“What?” Even though I know what she’s talking about, I’m still caught off guard.
“How could you do that to Jen? And to that other girl you’re seeing?”
“Emma,” Carter says under his breath, as he tugs at her arm to pull her away.
“No, Carter.” She yanks her arm away and points at me. “That’s a really crap move, Lucas. Cheating on someone, especially when you know how Jen feels?”
“Whoa, whoa!” I raise my hands. “I didn’t cheat on anyone.”
“No?”
“No. I was kind of talking to someone, but we hadn’t even gone out on a date. And I’ll have you know, the very next day it ended.”
“What?”
“Yeah. So before you get all high and mighty, maybe you should get both sides of the story. And how Jen feels? Are you kidding me? She’s pushed me away twice now after kissing me and you know the really screwed up part? I’d let her do it a third time. And a fourth time. And fifth. I’d let her do it again and again because I’m in love with her. Every time I think she might feel the same, she tosses me aside.”
“You’re in love with her?” Carter gapes at me, shocked.
Jackson wears the same expression, while Emma stares at me with empathy. Jen must’ve told her about the lake, so I’m sure she knows I told Jen my feelings, which is why she’s looking at me like I’m a puppy being left at the pound. The awkward silence builds around us.
I answer Carter, but stare at Emma. “Yeah, I am. And I know I shouldn’t be, since she doesn’t want anything to do with me, but I can’t help it.”
Emma nervously bites her lip. “It’s not that she doesn’t want anything to do with you, it’s just …” She trails off, turning to Carter like she’s said too much.
“It’s just that what?” I ask her, then look at Carter, who shrugs.
“Nothing,” Emma answers, staring at the ground.
“No, not nothing. Emma, you know something.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Emma.”
“Lucas, it’s not my place to say.”
“Say what?”
“No, I can’t tell you. It’s not my secret to tell.”
“Secret? What secret?”
“Oh my God.” She shakes her head, slapping her forehead. “It’s not a secret secret. It’s just Jen and the stuff she’s been through.” She takes a deep breath as I stand there hoping she continues. “Lucas, I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, but I can’t break her trust like that. But just know, she’s gone through stuff and if you knew, then you’d understand why she’s built these walls around her.”
Or locked herself away. Like the lock tattoo. Maybe that tattoo means more than just locking her heart away from a guy. Maybe there’s a bigger reason she’s afraid of letting me get too close to her?
“I’m sorry, Lucas.”
“No, it’s okay.” I wave her off.
Carter gives me a half-hearted smile before saying good-bye. They walk away, and I quietly follow Jackson to his car.
“Well, that was interesting.” He gives a slight chuckle, as I run over everything in my mind.
I unknowingly betrayed her in eighth grade. I did it again just the other night. Franco thought they were just having fun, when she was falling for him. I know in school she flirted and even dated a couple guys, but nothing seemed serious. There’s something I’m missing, and I have to figure you what it is.
“So, head back to your place?” Jackson asks.
“Actually, you ever been to tattoo shop?”
Jackson’s brow furrows in confusion, but he shakes his head no. I tell him where Butterfly Ink is located, the tattoo shop Nancy runs, and we make our way over there.
It’s a little past eight so I know they’re still open, I just don’t know if Nancy is going to be in. I also don’t know how she’ll react to me being there and what I’m about to ask her. But something tells me I need to do this. I need to try and figure out how to prove to Jen that I love her and make her believe it.
I’ve been to the shop before, though it’s been years. When I walk in, we’re greeted by a girl sitting at the counter.
“Hey, guys,” she greets us. “Do you have an appointment?”
“Oh, no.” I shake my head, scanning the area.
“Okay, well, we do take walk-ins. I can see if an artist is available.”
“Actually,” I say quietly, leaning over the front desk as I spot Nancy in the back. “I was hoping to
talk with Nancy for just a minute or two. If that’s okay?”
The girl eyes me carefully, then looks back at Nancy, who’s sitting at a desk and appears to be drawing something.
“Hold on a second, I’ll check.”
“Thanks.”
“Dude,” Jackson calls me over, flipping through a big book of pictures, “this is sick.”
It’s a sword that is surrounded by flames. I look over at Jackson, who nods his head, like it’s the coolest thing ever.
“You think I should get it?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I mean, why not?”
“Do you have a tattoo already?”
“Well, no, but that’s an awesome one to get for my first one.”
I let out an unbelieving laugh, when I hear Nancy.
“Lucas, good to see you.”
“Hey, Nancy.” I give her a hug.
She glances over at Jackson then back at me. “What are you guys up to?”
“Not much. Sorry, this is my friend, Jackson.”
She shakes his hand. “Nice to meet you, Jackson. You guys thinking of getting some ink? I’ll tell you what, since I know you, we’ll hook you up. Fifty percent off.”
“Seriously?” Jackson looks like he just hit the jackpot.
I laugh. “Oh, no, that’s not why we’re here.”
“Speak for yourself, bro.”
Chuckling, I roll my eyes at him. “Okay, that’s not why I’m here. Um, I was hoping to talk to you.” I look around the shop. “Maybe in private.”
“Sure, come on back to my booth. Jackson, was it? If you see something you like, let me know.”
“The flaming sword,” he answers without hesitation.
Nancy lets out a laugh. “All right, sounds good. It’s a slow night, so …” She looks around the shop. “Kim?”
A lady with both arms covered in tattoos walks over.
“This is Jackson. He was interested in that sword you designed.”
“You drew that?” Jackson stares at her in awe, which earns him another laugh.
“Sure did. Let’s get the paperwork for you.”
“Awesome.”
Nancy and I walk to the back of the shop and she motions for me to sit in her chair.
“It was really nice being able to catch up with your family during the camping trip.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“So, what’s going on? Everything okay?”
“Um, I don’t know.” My response earns an eyebrow lift from her. “See, I was wondering …” Great, all of a sudden, I can’t get the words out. I take a deep breath, staring down at the ground. “How’s Jen?”
“Jen?” she asks, giving me an uneasy look. “She’s okay. Why?”
I guess it’s time to lay it all out there. “Nancy, I screwed up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“A couple weeks ago … wow.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe I’m gonna tell you this, but … a couple weeks ago Jen and I went back to your house when you were out of town.” She looks at me in surprise and I hurry to clarify. “Nothing happened. We were kissing, and I got a text from someone I was talking to, and Jen saw it and flipped out.”
“Well, of course.”
“No, see, I know. But the thing is, I didn’t like the girl. At least, not like I should’ve to keep talking to her. And the next day it ended. And I like Jen, a lot. I always have.”
She puts a hand on my arm. “Maybe you should just tell her.”
“No, I’ve tried that, multiple times. And it doesn’t work. I know I screwed up that night and in middle school―”
“Middle school?”
I shake my head. “It’s a long story. My point is, I do like her, Nancy.” I laugh at myself, because I’ve gone this far. I might as well be completely honest with her. “Actually, I’m in love with her. I have been for a long time. But, I know there’s something going on. There’s this brief moment when we’re together, this microcosm of time, where it’s perfect. But then it’s gone. I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t trust me, or thinks because I keep screwing up, that I’ll keep doing it, or maybe I am reading the signals wrong and she really doesn’t like me like I think she does. But I know it’s something. And I …” I take a deep breath. “I was hoping you might be able to help me figure it out.”
She’s quiet for a long time. Then she lets out a disbelieving chortle. “Now it makes a little more sense.”
“What’s that?”
“Last week, we got into a fight. Actually, no, not a fight, in as much as she just yelled at me. It wasn’t about you, but I can see where what happened between you two might’ve been a catalyst.”
“What was it about?”
She nods her head slowly, as if she’s replaying whatever happened between them.
“Just … stuff.” I nod, remembering Emma’s words. “Jen likes to act tough. And she is, because she feels like she has to be. After our fight, we talked about it and I totally understand why she keeps people at a distance.” I keep nodding, even though I don’t know what she’s talking about or how this is going to help me. “Lucas, she does love you. I know she does. Ever since she was a little girl and we moved next door. I actually caught her one time, playing in her room. She had these flowers and she looked―” She stops and stifles her smile. “Well, that’s probably something she should tell you one day. But I know she cares about you.”
“Then what am I doing wrong?”
“Nothing. You’re not going to like what I have to say.” I cringe but don’t say anything. “I’m not sure there is anything you can say or do. She might hear your words, but she won’t believe it, until it’s point blank in her face.” She wrinkles her nose. “Unfortunately, she might not believe it even then.”
I remember Sasha’s words and nod, giving her a smile. “Thanks.”
I give Nancy a hug and start walking toward the front when I see Jackson sitting back in a chair. Kim is outlining the tattoo on his shoulder and he looks over at me, gritting his teeth.
“You okay?” I ask, chuckling.
He shakes his head. “Dude, this hurts so freaking bad.”
“Wait ’til we get to the shading,” Kim says, laughing.
Jackson’s eyes dart from hers to mine, laced with worry, making me laugh again.
Chapter 24
Jen
The rest of July passes me by. Emma’s getting everything together for fall semester while I’m hanging around my house, trying to figure out where I should apply for a part-time job.
After coming back and talking with Nancy, things have been okay between us. There was never really any issue between me and her, but after I exploded on her I felt like there was for a little bit. When I came back home, she repeated to me that my mom did love me. It stings to hear that, and I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll believe it. But I know Nancy loves me. And I still haven’t spoken to Lucas since the night of the bonfire.
I don’t know when we’ll speak again. I certainly don’t think things will ever be like they once were, or how I wished they’d be growing up. After nearly crossing a line that night, it’s just awkward to even see him when I’m leaving the house or coming home. So, it takes me completely by surprise when I receive a text message from him, as I’m watching a movie with Nancy.
Buttface: Hey, Jen, not sure if you still have my number or blocked it, but if you get this PLEASE reply
Yeah, I changed his contact info to Buttface freshman year. I couldn’t bring myself to delete or block him, but I didn’t want to see his name either. Every now and then I’ll think I should change it, but never do. I glance over at Nancy and then back at my phone, unsure what I should do.
Me: Yes, I still have it
Buttface: Wow, I’m pleasantly surprised
Me: What do you want?
Even staring at his ‘name’ doesn’t bring me a smile. I’m annoyed. Why is he texting me? We have nothing left to say to each other.
Buttface: Can we talk?
Me: I have nothing to say
Buttface: Then can I talk to you? PLEASE??? All you have to do is stand there and listen
I don’t answer. I stare at the phone, then up at the TV. What could he possibly say that hasn’t been said already? And why should I listen? Nothing is going to change.
Buttface: Please Jen, just 5 min. After that, you can ignore me for the rest of your life if you want :/
I smirk and roll my eyes, because as much as I thought I would’ve wanted to ignore him for life, I don’t. I’d like to think we could be friends somewhere down the line. Just nothing more than that. It’d be too dangerous to try and be more than that with Lucas.
Me: Fine. Where?
Buttface: Secret door in the backyard.
The memory of our secret door brings a faint smile to my face. There’s a brick fence dividing our backyard and his. But before it was a brick fence, it was a wooden fence. When Lucas’ family had the bricks put in, Lucas and I begged his parents to leave a small opening in the bricks, wide enough for someone to squeeze through. Then, we covered the opening with some bushes so anyone walking by wouldn’t be able to see it. We were both nine and we loved it.
“I’ll be back,” I say as I get up from the couch and put on my slippers.
“Where are you going?” Nancy asks.
“Just in the backyard for a minute.”
I head out to the back and see Lucas sitting on the brick wall, over the secret entrance below, his legs dangling over on our side. I notice everything about him. His snug white undershirt, stretching across his chest as he presses his hands into the bricks. His hair looks damp, like he just took a shower. He’s wearing cargo shorts, but my memories betray me, and I think back to the night in my room. I look away, take a deep breath, and sit at the small patio table in our backyard. Even though I’m facing him, I keep my eyes averted.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Hey.”
It’s nearly eleven o’clock. I can hear the crickets chirping along our backyards. There’s a glow coming from his yard, the lights in their pool still shining, but I don’t look back up at him. I hear him take a deep breath and then he hops down, landing in front of the bushes of our secret door, before coming over and taking the seat in front of me.
