by Tucker, RH
But one day, we were playing, and I invented a new world; The World of Dances. I remember Lucas’s scowl when I told him the name.
“That’s stupid, Jen.”
“No, it’s magical,” I argued. “The World of Dances is a magical place where girls go when they get married.” I ran out of the tent, grabbed my iPod and headphones, bringing them back in. I plugged one earbud in my ear and handed him the other.
He stared at me, confused. “What are you doing?”
“Just put it in,” I reprimanded him, and he did as I told him. “Okay, now before I play this song, you have to know what the World of Dances is. It’s a place every girl goes to for their wedding.”
“Wedding?” He stuck his tongue out like he was going to be sick.
I scrolled through my iPod, looking for the song I wanted. “Yes. When they go to this world, every other planet around them glows. It’s glows bright, because the wedding is the girl’s day. It’s the day the girl gets everything she wants.”
Seven-year-old Lucas chuckled. “Jen, you always get everything you want.”
“Shush.” I shot him a look. “Anyways, all the planets around them glow, because the girl gets the light. And she gets to listen to any song she wants, and no matter what, nothing bad can happen to her on that day.”
Lucas slumped his head. “Fine, then what does the boy get?”
I smiled because I knew he wasn’t going to like my answer. “He gets to dance with her.”
He wrinkled his nose immediately. “Forget this, I’m going home.”
“No!” I held on to his hand tightly, keeping him from leaving as my voice cracked.
I didn’t want him to leave. He was my safe place. I can’t remember if I was crying or not, but I must have been on the verge of tears because what I do remember is his face. It softened and instead of me holding his hand, now he was holding mine. He brought up his arm and wrapped it over my shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay, don’t cry.”
“I’m not!”
“Okay,” he mumbled.
“Please, Lucas?” I finally found his eyes. “Just one dance?”
He looked around, nervously. “But I don’t know how to dance, Jen.”
“It’s okay,” I said, as I stepped closer to him. “I’ve seen it in movies. All we have to do is just stand here. Maybe move back and forth a little.”
He nodded and picked up the earbud, putting it in his ear. I turned on the song, “You and Me”―my favorite at the time―put the iPod in my pocket, and then hugged him. Not in the normal way a person hugs someone, but because I’d seen the girl lay her head on the guy’s chest in movies and thought that’s how people danced. So, I hugged him, and he hugged me back. And we just stepped side to side, swaying to Lifehouse.
I don’t know how I end up in Lucas’ arms now but I am. And just like I remember in all those movies, my head’s laying against his chest.
“I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get to visit the World of Dances,” he whispers, “so I had to make sure you took one last trip with me.”
My arms are around his neck, again unsure how they got there, but I feel his hands on me. He’s not holding me awkwardly, like he did all those years ago. His arms are around my waist, his fingers locked behind my back. I’ve wanted a dance like this with him for so long.
“I can’t believe you remember this,” I say, mostly in disbelief to myself.
“I told you Jen,” he says, and I feel his lips near my ear; his breath sending butterflies in and around me, “I remember everything. I also remember thinking it was so weird at the time.”
I let out a small laugh.
“But I didn’t say anything. You looked sad and I didn’t want to make you cry. So, I just stood there doing whatever I was doing. It wasn’t until sixth grade at our first middle school dance that I thought about that day again. I saw you dancing with Henry Peterson and I got so mad.”
“You did?” I finally lift my face from his chest and look up at him.
He nods. “I just kept wondering why you were dancing with him. He didn’t know about the World of Dances, I knew about it. I wanted to take you back there. Space Adventure was so much fun with you, I always liked it.” He lets out a chuckle. “I never told you this, but after we had our first kiss, I wanted to play it again.”
“What do you mean?”
“Okay, you might get weirded out by this, but keep in mind I was a growing and, uh, developing middle school boy. We hadn’t played Space Adventure for a couple years and I remember thinking I wanted to play one more time and visit the Galaxy of Kisses.”
We both laugh, and I swat his shoulder.
“I’ll go on any adventure you want me to, J-Girl. Whatever world or galaxy, no matter how far, I’ll be there. With you, side by side.”
“You and Me” comes to the end and then starts again. I don’t know how long it’s been playing, and for a moment I wish it would play forever. I wish I could just stand here, my arms around him, dancing to the song I thought would be my wedding song, forever. But forever isn’t real.
“I loved this game,” my voice breaks, “but I don’t think you know why I loved it so much.”
I look up at him again and can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks.
“Jen,” he whispers, raising a hand to my cheek and wiping them away.
I reach up and grab his hand, holding it to my face. “It’s okay. Lucas, I loved playing this game because I could get away. I could leave my house and go anywhere. Anywhere I wanted, even if it was some made up place in my mind. I could leave everyone behind and forget everything.”
He stares at me, creasing his brow. “What do you mean?”
“And then one day I dragged you into my adventure and it was even better. I had a friend with me. A boy who I had a crush on since I moved next door to him. But even then, I never told you why I played the game. And you couldn’t have known tonight, doing all this, would just remind me why sometimes I still want to get away.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Trying to gather every ounce of strength I have left, I stare at him. “I played this game because I didn’t want to remember that I wasn’t loved.”
“That’s not true. Jen, I―”
“No, please.” I put my hand to his mouth. “Please, I need you to know this. You need to know why we can’t be together, no matter how much I may want that some days. I’m scared, Lucas.”
“Jen, I love you. I do, please, you have to know I’m telling the truth.”
I nod. “I do know. But so did my mom. At least, that’s what Nancy tells me. I’m still trying to figure out if I believe it or not. But Nancy swears she did, and then she left. She left me, Lucas, and that’s not even the worst part, even though it should be. She dropped me off on my aunt’s door step and I never heard from her or saw her again. She never called. She never wrote. She never even sent me a birthday card. And it’s because she never wanted me. I was a mistake.”
My tears are flowing, but my voice is even. It’s as if a calm washes over me and I know I should be bawling hysterically, but there aren’t any more emotions to go crazy over. There are only my tears.
“I heard her tell Nancy the day she left that she didn’t want me, that I was a mistake. That she wished she’d listened to other people and …” I shake my head, not wanting to repeat anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Jen. She has no idea of the beautiful, loving, caring, and amazing person you are.”
“Yeah.” I lean my head on his chest. I do it for comfort. I do it so I can take in his scent one more time. Because I know after I say what I’m about to, I probably won’t have this chance again. “But that’s why we can’t be whatever I once thought we could be.”
“Please don’t say that. I won’t leave you.”
“You already did.” He recoils, searching my face. “All those years again. I know it’s stupid and we were young, and it shouldn’t even matter, but somehow, to me it does
. Because I’m terrified of you doing it again. I’m scared that if you do, I won’t be able to come back from that.”
“Jen, what can I do? Please, tell me what I can do to prove to you―”
“Nothing. There’s nothing either of us can do. And it’s not because I don’t believe you and it’s not because I don’t want this. I believe you. But my mom felt like she could be a mom for a few years until the day came that she couldn’t. Until one day she finally figured out it wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it. You say you love me right now and I believe it. God, how I believe it and I want it. But what happens next week? Next month? Next year? What if things change or I change, or you change, and you don’t want me anymore?” He opens his mouth to speak, but I raise my hand to it again, shaking my head. “Right here? Right now? I know you love me and, Lucas, I’ve wanted to tell you forever that I love you. I’ve always loved you. But if something ever happened and that love wasn’t enough, I don’t think I could survive that. To know I wasn’t enough for someone else I loved. That’d destroy me.”
I know I shouldn’t, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be this close to him again, so I look up into those dark emerald eyes that I’ve been in love with nearly my entire life. Reaching my hands up, I pull him closer and he rests his forehead against mine. I hear a sniff, but I don’t know if it’s him or me. Pulling him even closer, I feel his lips meet mine and it’s a bittersweet feeling of finality. Our tears, our lips, our tongues; all meeting.
I finally let go of him and step away. I walk to the edge of the tent and out of our Space Adventure and don’t look back. I can’t. Because feeling his tears on my lips is devastating, and if I see them on his face, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it.
Chapter 29
Lucas
It’s been weeks since I’ve seen or talked to her. The first day, after she told me about her mom and all her fears, I was in bad shape. I didn’t want to do anything, because I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to change her mind. And I hated myself because I wasn’t the one with all this emotional baggage that tormented me, she was. But I still felt horrible. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone as much as I hate myself for that one stupid mistake. Because I unknowingly set this all up a long time ago and now it finally caught up to me. Now, the dominoes are falling, and I can’t do a damn thing to stop them.
School’s started and I should be excited or nervous or even anxious. But I’m none of those things. As I walk on to campus for the first day, I can see everyone else looking around in wonder. All the freshmen who think these next four years of school are going to be times filled with laughter, parties, and finding yourself. I thought the same thing a few months ago. Now I just wish I could be home and under my sheets, ignoring the world. Ignoring everything I come into contact with because, in some form or another, everything I come in to contact with reminds me of her.
“Dude, did your dog die?” Jackson frowns at me when I walk into the deli. “Wait, do you even have a dog? I’ve never seen one at your house.”
“No. Rich is allergic.”
“Oh.” He stares at me. “Death in the family?”
“Stop being an idiot.”
“Seriously, man,” he chuckles, but it’s not humorous. More like someone trying to cheer me up. “You look horrible. Classes that hard?”
“Yeah, something like that.” I nod and look around, grabbing a small bag of chips.
I know he knows I’m lying, but he doesn’t say anything. “Anyways, I’m off in thirty. Let’s hit up a movie or something.”
I shrug, as I eat a chip. “Eh, I’m not in the mood.”
“Come on, that new spy movie is out. It looks cool.”
“I’m just not up for a movie.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, busying himself behind the counter as I take a seat at a table.
I stare out of the window of the deli for a while, eating the bag of chips, when my phone chimes and I pull it out to see a text message from Carter.
Carter: Yo!! You weren’t in Pysch today?
Yeah, I might have already skipped a class or two.
Me: Yeah. What’s up?
Carter: Movie starts at 7. We’ll get grub after.
Me: What?
Carter: Jackson texted. Said you’re down to go
“Jacks!” I yell at him, but I look over to find him gone. “Damn it.”
Me: Dude, I’m not feeling a movie.
Carter: He said you’d say that. You’re coming.
Me: No. I’m not.
Carter: I’ll pick you up @ 630. He said he’d meet us there
Me: I’m not going
No answer.
Me: I’m NOT going. I won’t be home.
Still no answer
Jackson appear next to me. “Sorry.”
“What the hell, dude?”
“Man, you need to get out of this funk. And that’s not going to happen with you wallowing at home twenty-four-seven. I know it sucks and all, but―”
“But nothing.”
“Luc, what are you going to do? You gonna stop living your life now?”
I don’t answer him. I don’t even look at him, I just shake my head, staring out the window.
“You know, you told me one time to work through it. You remember that?”
“This isn’t the same thing.”
“No shit. But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to work through this. Because, like you told me, what are you going to do, Lucas? Sit on your ass and do nothing for the rest of your life?”
I finally look over at him. He’s become one of my best friends, but I still want to tell him to leave me alone, go screw himself, or just shut up. But I can’t, because I know he’s only telling me the truth. And honestly, it’s not stuff I haven’t been trying to convince myself of.
I give him a knowing nod, meeting his eyes for a moment, before grabbing another chip.
“By the way, you owe me two bucks for the bag of chips.”
My jaw drops. “What?”
“My dad says I can hook you up with one sandwich a week, but the chips are common sellers and last week you cleaned us out of Doritos.”
“My bad.” I give him an apologetic look.
“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home, save on the Uber.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me,” he chuckles. “You can pay for my movie ticket.”
“Dude, you’re the one with the job.”
“And you’re the one eating all my sandwiches.”
“Fair enough.”
* * *
By the time Carter picks me up, I’m feeling uneasy because I didn’t ask him if Emma was going. If she is, that means that Jen might be there, and I really don’t know how I’ll handle it if she is. Carter must sense my apprehension, as I slowly open the car door and get in the passenger seat.
“Emma and Jen are doing a girl’s night.”
“Cool.” I nod and try to act like I wasn’t just thinking about it.
“Dude, I feel like we haven’t hung out in forever. We even have two classes together and I never see you.”
“Yeah, I usually sit in the back.”
He just nods. Carter was one of my best friends through high school, but it feels like I’ve not only drifted apart from him, but from everyone else, too. I haven’t hung out with Matt, Jackson’s been the only regular in my life, and even that’s been spotty lately. Carter pulls into the parking lot, and I’m just hoping I can try and enjoy the evening.
Walking into the theatre, we meet up with Matt and Jackson. Izzy’s standing next to them, along with her two friends.
“Dude,” Jackson whispers, nudging me with his elbow. “That Asian girl is cute.”
I’ve met her once before. I think her name is Cindy. “Yeah, she’s okay.” I glance in her direction while they talk to Carter.
“What do you think?” Jackson asks.
“What do you mean?”
I’m not sure what he says
next because walking in, on the other side of the building, is Emma and Jen. I feel my body go cold. They don’t see me, but I see them, as Emma says something to her and Jen giggles. This absolutely sucks.
“Damn, sorry,” Carter says as he sees what I’m looking at. “I didn’t know they were coming to the movies, too.”
“No, it’s cool.” I try to play it off and I’m sure I fail miserably, because Matt walks over to us.
“Hey, you guys just want to go grab some food. Yard House is next door.”
“No,” I scoff. “This is stupid. You guys, this is dumb. I’m fine. Let’s just see the movie.”
“You sure?” Jackson looks over at me.
It’s at this moment I see everyone staring at me. Carter and Jackson, almost like they are unsure if I’m going to fall apart. Matt has an expression like he thinks I’m crazy, Izzy looks like she wants to hug me, and her friends are both staring at me like my grandmother died. She did die, when I was eight. It was sad, but this is a different kind of hurt. And what sucks even more, is I cried while Jen hugged me after the funeral. Now I’m thinking about Jen again. Damn it. My life is a never-ending cycle of memories of Jen and I’m never going to get rid of them.
“Seriously, it’s okay, Lucas,” Izzy speaks up. “I’m kind of hungry myself.”
I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s the fact that everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around me. Or maybe it’s me finally getting mad at myself for feeling like this. Or, and this is probably it, that Izzy is now commenting on my total and complete hang-up and she knows next to nothing about our history. So, I snap.
“Damn it, you guys, I’m fine!”
I immediately cringe, squeezing my eyes shut and grind my teeth.
