by Jordan Marie
“I don’t want you to go.”
“There’s no reason for me to stay, Ida Sue.”
“There is. I’m here. Nothing’s changed, Jansen. It hasn’t. I—”
He pulls away from me, I try to hold him, but I can’t. He stands and then turns to look down at me and that’s when I see it. I can see the pain I’ve caused him, the hurt. I did that. The ironic thing is, I’m causing myself the same pain.
“Everything has changed, Ida Sue.”
“No, it hasn’t—”
“It has. The woman I love just turned down my marriage proposal. That’s a huge change.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I love you. It doesn’t change what we are to each other.”
“You love me?” Disbelief is thick in his voice.
“I love you so much Jansen.”
“Then, why won’t you marry me?”
His question destroys me. I don’t know how to make him understand. I’m not even sure I understand myself.
“We haven’t known each other that long, Jansen.”
“It’s long enough to know what I want, Ida Sue and what I want is right there in that bed.”
“Believe it or not, Jansen, I know what I want, too and it’s standing right there looking at me.”
I think he listens to me, because his face softens—at least a little.
“Then, marry me, Lovey.”
“I… I’m just not ready, Jansen. I’m not.”
He rakes his hand through his rumpled hair and turns away from me. I hate that I’m doing this to him. I hate that I’m doing it to both of us. I’m a coward… maybe. I just… I can’t say yes to him.
“What do you want from me, Ida Sue? I don’t understand. I want us to belong to each other. I want you to be my wife.”
“I can belong to you and not be married to you, Jansen. I already do belong to you. I love you. I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that.”
“Maybe I do, Lovey.”
I can taste panic. My heartrate ramps up and my palms become sweaty. I don’t want to lose Jansen.
“Can you just give me a little time?” I plead, praying I can at least stall him.
“Time?”
“I just need time, Jansen. Can you give that to me?”
I watch as he rubs the back of his neck, his gaze is appraising me. And I let him read me. I don’t even try to put shields up. I need him to know I love him.
“I’m going to ask you again, Lovey.”
“I know,” I whisper. I don’t want him too. I’m already dreading that phantom day in the future. Maybe if I show him how much I love him every day he will be happy enough. Maybe he won’t demand marriage when he sees that I’m with him to stay.
That’s a lot of maybes, but I have to have that hope. I don’t want to lose Jansen.
It would destroy me.
“So, what now?” he asks and I can tell he’s not happy, but he’s pushing it aside for me.
I lick my lips nervously. “Make love to me, Jansen.”
“Lovey—”
I don’t want the fact that I don’t want marriage to stand between us. I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t even know how to explain myself to him. I just know I need to feel him inside of me. I need that closeness that happens when we’re together.
“Please, Jan,” I beg, letting the sheet I have pulled up against my chest drop down.
“You’re mine, Ida Sue,” he says.
“I am completely yours, Jansen,” I vow as he walks toward me.
“I should be heading back to my place. Making love all night, when there are children in the house, is something married couples do,” he says stubbornly.
“Committed couples do it, too, Jansen,” I correct him.
“I don’t feel right letting your kids know I’m up here with you and not as your husband.”
“Haven’t you heard that saying, Jan?” I ask, taking his hands in mine and pulling him down on the bed as I lie down, pulling him over my body.
“What saying?” he asks, his face buried into my neck as he begins kissing me there.
I angle my head to give him better access. Then, I reach down between us and take his cock in my hand. He’s already hard and I revel in the fact that even though I hurt him, he still wants me. I don’t know what I would have done if I destroyed this. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him. I don’t know if I could survive without him…
And that’s part of the problem.
I push that thought away as I stroke him.
“Lovey…”
“You feel so good, Jansen.”
“If you don’t stop that, this dance will be over before it even begins. What saying was I supposed to have heard,” he growls near my ear.
“Why buy the cow when the milk is free,” I whisper with a grin.
He pulls back to look at me. “Did you just call yourself a cow?”
I give him a mock mean look and stick my tongue out at him.
“I don’t find the cow reference funny,” he mutters.
“It’s kind of funny,” I retort. Then, I stroke him one more time and then position him at my entrance. I wrap my leg around him, letting the heel of my foot dig into his ass cheek, using it for leverage as I impale myself with his hard cock. “Yesssss….” I whisper in a long drawn out hiss of pleasure.
“You’re a witch,” he mutters, but he does it setting a rhythm as he slowly begins fucking me.
“I’m your witch,” I remind him, just in case he forgets.
“Then, wear my ring,” he says, proving he’s one stubborn man.
“Shut up and fuck me, Jansen,” I whimper as he thrusts deeply into me.
He grunts in reply, but his thrusts get harder and faster… I call that a win.
39
Jansen
“I’m as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof, Jan,” Ida Sue mutters, holding onto my hand like her life depended on it.
“There’s no point, Lovey. Whatever happens, happens,” I respond, trying to calm her. We’re meeting with a lawyer two towns over. The Enrykers Oil Group contacted Ida Sue through him. I’m not sure what’s going on—but, I do know that Ida Sue and I are hoping for two very different outcomes.
And that makes me a bastard.
If this turns out good for Ida Sue, it could be the answer to all her financial woes. It could erase so many problems for her. I want that for her, I do. It’s just if this turns out that she gets money from this, she doesn’t need me. She’s already turned down my marriage proposal. If she becomes rich, she won’t need me at all anymore.
Hell, maybe she never did.
“I know you’re right, but think what this money could do for us,” she mumbles, distractedly. My heart squeezes.
Us.
I know she’s thinking about her and her kids, and that’s what she should do. But, just for one fucking moment, I wish the us in her head… was me and her. I want to be that important to her. I want to be her partner.
I want to be her husband.
I know she said she wasn’t ready. It wasn’t a complete no. She said she loves me. It’s just that when you ask the woman you love to share their life with you and they turn you down, it fucks with a man’s head.
It’s definitely fucking with mine.
“You and the kids will be good no matter what, Ida Sue. I’ll take care of you.”
I wonder if she can tell the anger and hurt in my voice. I try not to let it bleed through. I’ve never been the type of man who let things fester. I’ve always been straightforward. But, I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’ve never given a woman my heart and had a door shut with nothing but my foot trapped in it.
* * *
Or maybe my dick.
She seems to at least want that from me. In the two weeks since I gave her the table, we’ve been going at it like rabbits—at least whenever we can squeeze it in while the kids cooperate.
Meaning mostly while they are in school.
At night, I sneak up to her room through a damn tree like I’m a fucking teenager. I’m too old for that shit, and Ida Sue gives me hell about it. But, it’s like I told her. I’m not about to let the kids think I’ve moved in. A man has his pride.
I’m from a throwback generation, I suppose. When the man was the head of the household and he took care of his woman and the kids. In my world that always came with a wedding certificate and a ring on your finger. I know people fuck up marriage more often than not. But, I’m not one of those people. Hell, as much as my ex-wife hurt me, I would have stayed married to her despite everything. When a man gives his vow, he sticks by it and he makes sure his woman never regrets saying yes.
That’s who I am.
A dinosaur.
A dying breed.
And, there’s probably a reason we’re going extinct.
“Did you hear what I said, Cowboy?”
I look back down at her to see her smiling at me.
God, I love her.
Am I just an old fool?
“Sorry, Lovey. My mind wandered,” I respond, my voice hoarse.
“I said, I know you will, but this money would make that easier. I don’t like you working so hard all of the time.”
I frown.
“A man ain’t a man if he doesn’t work, Lovey.”
Her words annoy me. She should know that about me, right?
“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Lucas. I was held up in a phone conference. I didn’t mean to make you wait so long,” the attorney says, coming back in the room.
“That’s alright, Mr. Banks.”
“We’re not married. My name is Reed,” I correct the lawyer when Ida Sue doesn’t make a move to. “She’s the only Lucas in here, besides the baby.”
Ida Sue’s face loses some of its color and the attorney looks a bit uncomfortable. And yeah, maybe it was me being a bastard, but I’m not about to let anyone call me a name that’s not mine.
Especially now.
“I see. I apologize. If we could move into the office, there are some things I’d like to go over with you.”
“I can take Mary and just sit out here, Lovey,” I tell her, wanting to go in that room like I want to have my toenails removed.
Ida Sue stands up, while I’m still sitting. I reach up to take the baby and instead she puts her hand in mine.
“I want you with me, Jan. I need you with me,” she says, her eyes pleading.
Well shit…
40
Ida Sue
I’m rich.
Holy shit.
I’m rich!!!
It still hasn’t sunk in. I sat in that small office while the lawyer talked numbers that seemed astronomical to me… and all I could think was….
I’m rich!
I was quiet the entire ride back into town. If Jansen wasn’t with me, I’d have been in complete trouble, because I am sure I acted like a zombie. I’ve struggled my whole life. You don’t have much choice when your parents kick you out before you’re even out of school. I never dreamed anything like this would ever happen to me. Even now, two days later, I’m still having trouble thinking it’s real.
“Lovey?”
My head jerks up to look at Jansen. It’s late, or early—depending on how you look at it. I haven’t checked but that damn internal alarm clock you seem to develop with children tells me it’s close to four in the morning.
“Yeah?” I ask, giving him a squeeze. The room is mostly dark with the exception of a little moonlight from the window. The house is blissfully quiet, and that rarely happens. I’ve been wrapped in Jansen’s arms most of the night after making love with him and I can’t remember a time in my life when I was ever happier.
Ever.
And it has nothing to do with the money. Although, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that added to the happiness, because let’s just be real.
I’m rich. I’m really stinking rich.
“Why do I feel like you’re not here with me tonight?” he sighs and I immediately feel guilty.
“Sorry, Cowboy. I have this man who just gave it to me so good that I got zombie brain.”
“Zombie brain?”
“Yep, where thought is not possible because your man just ate and ate ate…”
“I think you made that up,” he laughs, but some of the tension leaves his body.
“You really know what you’re doing between a woman’s legs, Cowboy.”
“Ida Sue—”
“Especially with your mouth. You should give lessons.”
“Christ.”
“Jansen’s world famous—”
“World famous?”
“You’re that good, Jan.”
He shakes his head. “I guess it’s good I have at least one use around here,” he mutters under his breath.
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s not like you need me around here, Ida Sue.”
“Now, you’re talking crazy. I love you, Jan. Even if you weren’t needed at the ranch—which by the way, you totally are—I need you.”
“Now that you have the money, Ida Sue, the last thing you need is a broken-down old cowboy.”
“I think you just proved that you’re not broken down,” I respond, thinking he’s being ridiculous. How he could even get the thought in his head that I don’t want him is beyond me.
Jansen lets out a large annoyed breath and gets out of bed.
“Just what every man wants to hear.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you and instead you’re more interested in my dick. I’m more than just what’s between my legs, woman.”
“Whoa. I was joking with you, dumbass.”
“Nice. Real nice.”
“What now?” I cry, exasperated.
“That just shows me how much respect you have for me,” he growls, pulling up his jeans.
“What does?”
“Calling me a dumbass? That definitely shows me where I stand with you, Ida Sue.”
“You are acting like a dumbass! If you rather I can call you a horse’s ass. Better?”
“I’m leaving,” he mutters, grabbing his shirt.
“You are not. We’re going to talk about this, because that’s what responsible couples do.”
“What would you know about responsible couples?” he growls, sitting down on the bed, giving me his back and putting on his boots.
His words take my breath.
“That was low, Jan.”
He finishes putting his boots on and he gets up, letting out another breath and this one sounds defeated. I should probably listen to the change in him, but right now, I’m hurt too.
“You’re right, Lovey, it was,” he says, leaning over to cup the side of my face in his strong hand. Mine immediately goes up to his, needing to hold onto him, needing something to fix whatever this is that has blown up between us.
“Jan, I do value you. I love you, honey.”
“I love you, too. But it doesn’t change things. Your life is changing and I’m not sure I have a place in it anymore.”
“That’s bullshit. You have a place, Jansen Reed. You have one right beside me. That’s the only place I want you to be.”
“And yet, you still won’t marry me.”
That ugly feeling from before coils in my stomach.
“You said you would give me time, Jan. You said you’d give me time,” I whisper, terrified that I’m destroying the only man I’ve ever loved and not knowing how to keep from it…
41
Jansen
“Fuck. I know, Ida Sue. But damn it, can’t you see this from my point of view?”
I rake my hand through my hair. I hate that I feel like I’m being unreasonable. It shouldn’t be this hard when two people love each other.
Should it?
Fuck, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I love this woman and every time I’
m with her lately, it feels like she’s slipping away from me. I’m a man that’s used to being in control. The fact that I can’t control the direction of this relationship is driving me insane.
“I can, but you’re not listening to me.”
“I am. That’s the whole problem. I heard you tell me that you didn’t want to marry me.”
“Right now. I said right now, Jansen. I’m just not ready to marry anyone. I have a history, things you don’t know about. Things we haven’t discussed and those things have changed me. I don’t want to get married and I don’t see why that should be so important to you.”
“You don’t see why marrying you should be important to me…”
I say the words mostly to myself.
I repeat them.
I can’t get how she can say that to me. I truly don’t.
“I can’t do this,” I murmur, letting her face go and walking towards the door. Then, it hits me. I can’t use the door.
I climbed up a fucking tree to get to my woman’s room.
“Can’t do what?” she says, and I can hear the panic in her voice.
“I can’t argue with you right now. Not over this. Everything about you is important to me, Ida Sue. Every. Fucking. Thing. For you to lie in the bed we just made love in and tell me you don’t see how you marrying me is important is like a damn slap in the face.”
“But, I don’t see. I love you! I’ve told you that I love you. How is a piece of paper going to change any of that?”
“It probably won’t to anyone but me. I’m forty-four years old, Lovey. I want a home and a family.”
“You have that, Jansen. This is your home. The kids and I love you. We’re your family in every way that matters.”
“Yeah,” I say, shaking my head. There’s no point in arguing with her that it’s not in every way. She doesn’t understand and maybe that’s because at the core of the problem, she doesn’t understand me.
Maybe she never will.
I seem to have a knack for picking women that I’m not enough for. I wasn’t enough for my ex-wife because I couldn’t have kids and now I’m not enough for Ida Sue to even consider tying herself to permanently.
