by Helena Halme
It was amazing how a death and a birth brought people together, Kaisa thought, as she watched Peter’s father and Ravi walk side by side along the front path to the house. The men’s heads were bent over in conversation, and Peter’s dad had his hand on Ravi’s shoulder. His white head against Ravi’s jet-black hair and darker skin made the pair look positively exotic.
‘Alright?’ Kaisa heard Peter’s mum ask behind her. Ravi had managed to wrangle the heavy buggy out of the older woman’s hands, before he’d helped to park the car, and she was now standing behind Kaisa on the narrow path. Kaisa realised Peter’s mother was cold; she had her arms crossed and was rubbing her arms with her hands.
‘Yes, sorry, miles away,’ Kaisa said and moved towards the house, carrying Rosa.
Ravi came up to her. He smelled of his usual orange-scented aftershave. When he bent down to give the sleeping Rosa a peck on her forehead, the girl squirmed in Kaisa’s arms.
‘I’m going to take her up for her nap. We might then get an hour or so to have lunch. Anyone else arrived yet?’ she asked Ravi.
‘No,’ Ravi shook his head. ‘I can take her up,’ he added, giving Kaisa a look, which said, ‘Here’s your chance.’
Kaisa shook her head. She went up the stairs and settled the sleeping child into her cot. For a while she sat on her bed; she needed to steel herself. She looked at her watch, there was still time to speak with Peter’s parents before her guests arrived.
She put her hand on Rosa’s tummy. She’d decided to keep the cot in her bedroom even though there was a smaller bedroom at the back of the house, which she and Peter had thought might become a nursery one day. Ravi had been using it as his bedroom and an unofficial office when he had papers to read for work, and Kaisa wasn’t in any hurry to move Rosa away from her bedroom.
Kaisa gazed at the sleeping child. She’d covered Rosa’s legs with her favourite pink blanket, which Evie had crocheted for her. Sleepily, the child had grabbed a corner with one hand and was now holding onto it with her chubby fingers. She was so beautiful, with her dark curls mussed around her head on the pillow and her long black eyelashes resting on her pale round cheekbones. Her little mouth was pale pink, with the arch of her lips perfectly drawn. For a moment, the thought that Peter would never see how beautiful she was hit her with such force that her chest felt as if it had collapsed and she struggled to breathe. Think of the positives, think of the positives, she repeated in her head, and she concentrated on taking in air through her nose and blowing it out of her mouth as Mrs D had taught her.
‘Celebrate his life, instead of mourning his death. And don’t worry about upsetting others. This is your life to lead the way you decide is best for you and Rosa,’ she’d said as Kaisa had left her office.
When Kaisa’s breathing had returned to normal, she gave her daughter a last glance, made sure the baby alarm on the bedside table had its green lights on, and returned downstairs.
* * *
All the guests arrived at the same time; Rose and Roger had driven up from Dorset, Peter’s best man Jeff and his wife, Milly, from Portsmouth, Nigel and Pammy from Plymouth and even Stephen had made it. Kaisa knew he was now working up in Whitehall, and they’d met a few times at the Army Navy Club in St James’s, but he still lived up in Scotland.
Peter’s brother Simon had grown very grey during the last year. His wife Miriam gave Kaisa a present for Rosa.
‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you,’ Kaisa said.
‘Even though she doesn’t understand, I’m sure she’ll find this day difficult, so here’s something to take her mind off it,’ Miriam said, giving Kaisa a short, efficient hug.
Peter’s sister Nancy had brought her twins, but said she was sorry her husband couldn’t make it. The boy and girl, Oliver and Beth, who had just turned seven, ran in and out through the French doors, in a game no one understood.
Kaisa thought how lucky they were to have a sunny day. She was also not sorry, if she was truthful, that Nancy’s loud husband hadn’t come. He had the knack of saying the wrong thing, and she knew Peter hadn’t much cared for him. The twins were wild, but no one minded. It was good to have children around. They were oblivious to the sadness of the occasion, and happily munched on sandwiches while running around the adults. Kaisa thought how strikingly similar they looked to Peter, and to Rosa, with their mops of dark hair, pale skin and long, lean bodies. Rosa, however, was still chubby, although her long legs and arms hinted at a lankiness to come.
Rose hugged Kaisa hard; and Kaisa held onto her friend for a bit longer than was safe. Too much kindness was still a problem, and could set her off crying at any moment, but she held it together, reminding herself that she needed to be grateful for what she had: the love of Peter’s family, her friends and her lovely daughter Rosa.
Rose, after whom Kaisa had partly named her daughter, had also been a great support to Kaisa after Peter’s death. She’d been to stay with Kaisa a few times, and had co-ordinated her visit with Ravi, so that it coincided with a work trip Ravi had to take to the States. The two of them had laughed and cried, remembering all the crazy days at the feminist magazine, Adam’s Apple.
‘Without you, I’m not sure Peter and I would have ever got back together,’ Kaisa once said during such a conversation.
Rose had looked down at her hands, then lifted her eyes to Kaisa and remarked, ‘I’m not sure without my family’s interference you would have ever separated.’
Duncan’s passing hadn’t been mentioned by either Rose or Kaisa, nor Ravi. It was as if Rose didn’t want to lump the two men together and Kaisa was grateful for her friend’s tactfulness.
The memory of Duncan, of the one stupid drunken night, of the AIDS scare it had led to, and his sad, sad death, made Kaisa want to howl with anger and frustration with herself. Rose had put her arms around Kaisa and rocked her back and forth. ‘I’m sorry, darling, I don’t mean to upset you.’
‘You look well,’ Rose now said, eventually letting go of Kaisa.
‘So do you!’ Suddenly Kaisa noticed that Rose was wearing a loose, sky-blue dress. She looked at her tummy, then at her eyes, which looked bluish, reflecting the bright colour of the dress.
‘You’re not?’
A wide smile brightened Rose’s face, ‘It’s early days yet.’
‘Congratulations!’ Kaisa gave her friend another hug.
‘I’m over forty, so I know I’m too old, but apparently I’m as healthy as a horse.’ Rose turned to her husband, who also had a wide smile on his face. Kaisa shook Roger’s hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’m so very, very happy for you both.’
Kaisa had spoken with Pammy and Nigel on the phone several times, but this was the first time since Peter’s death that the two friends had seen each other.
When they arrived at the door, Kaisa was shocked to see how frail Nigel looked; he’d lost a lot of weight and didn’t look at all well. His eyes looked watery and sad, and for a moment Kaisa thought he’d cry when he hugged Kaisa without being able to speak.
Right after the funeral, when Pammy had phoned and apologised for not coming, and told Kaisa about Nigel’s breakdown, Kaisa had wanted to apologise to Nigel, and Pammy. She felt responsible for his grief. Peter’s death had nothing to do with Nigel, she knew that.
When Kaisa saw Jeff, she had to fight tears once more. Peter’s best friend had been such a support to her in the early days of their marriage when they still lived in Portsmouth. Kaisa had often wondered whether, if they’d stayed in Southsea instead of moving up to Scotland, she would have been happier and, with Jeff’s friendship, been able to resist Duncan.
Jeff had put on a little weight, and was beginning to resemble his father, one of the witnesses at Peter and Kaisa’s hastily arranged registry office wedding all those years ago. When Jeff enveloped Kaisa in his arms, just like the bear hug his father usually gave her, Kaisa felt a little guilty for not inviting Jeff’s parents. They’d made the journey up from Portsmouth on the day of Pete
r’s funeral two years ago, and she’d been surprised to see them then. But today, she’d decided on just her and Peter’s closest friends and family.
Looking at the now crowded room, she wondered how everyone had fitted in on the day of the funeral. The memory of that day was so hazy. She remembered spending some of it sitting alone in the kitchen, being unsociable and not caring if she was.
‘You OK, darling?’ Jeff asked, letting go of Kaisa and rubbing her back with his hand.
‘Yes, I’m good,’ Kaisa replied and turned to Milly, Jeff’s wife. She too had got a bit rounder in the middle. She was wearing a loose navy dress, with a single string of pearls around her neck and a pair of flat suede pumps on her feet.
‘You didn’t bring the girls?’ Kaisa asked. Milly had given birth to two children in quick succession after the wedding. Peter had said that she was ‘up the duff’ already, before they got married. Their first daughter, Catherine, had been born only five months afterwards.
‘God no, they’re with their grandparents,’ Milly said and gave a short laugh.
Kaisa had never really got to know Milly. When Jeff had met her and married very quickly, Peter and Kaisa had been separated, and after they got back together again and settled in London, there hadn’t been many opportunities to meet up with Peter’s old friend and his new wife. Kaisa now wondered if Milly didn’t like her because of what she had done to Peter and this was why there had been no invitations to visit Portsmouth. Mind you, Peter and Kaisa had also not asked them to visit London. Weekends together had seemed so precious that Kaisa rarely wanted to share them with anyone.
A stab of longing suddenly took hold of Kaisa and she forced herself to think of the good times, just as Mrs D had told her. She smiled at Milly, ‘How old are they now?’
‘Oh,’ Milly regarded Kaisa critically. Had she noticed Kaisa’s fake smile and interpreted it wrongly?
‘Cath is six and Poppy five. Complete nightmare ages – can’t wait to ship them off to boarding school,’ Milly said turning her face towards Jeff.
Kaisa nodded. She looked to the side and saw Rose, standing on her own by the French doors. She raised her eyebrows at Kaisa, who returned the look with a smile. She turned to Ravi, who’d appeared beside her, ‘You’ve met Peter’s friends Jeff and Milly, haven’t you?’
‘Yes, two years ago,’ Ravi said carefully, and shook their hands. He asked what they wanted to drink and Kaisa excused herself and moved towards Rose.
‘You OK?’ Rose said, leaning against the doorframe of the French windows.
‘I’m just about to tell everyone the news.’
Rose nodded. Kaisa had phoned her friend as soon as she’d made her decision and although Rose had been quiet at the end of the phone, she’d admitted that she knew why Kaisa was doing what she was planning. She looked at Rose’s kind face and said, ‘Would you stay here for a bit of moral support?’
‘Of course,’ Rose said, and placed her hand on Kaisa’s arm. ‘I’m here for you. Always.’
With Rose by her side, Kaisa got an empty glass and gave it a tap with a spoon. She wanted everyone present for her announcement, but now that it came to it, she felt nervous.
Suddenly the low chatter that had accompanied the sound of cutlery against the white china plates, stopped and all the faces in the room looked up at Kaisa. She swallowed. It was going to be hard to deliver her news. She glanced at Peter’s mother, who had looked pale and serious since she’d spoken to her and Peter’s father in the lounge that morning. Evie now seemed to have tears in her eyes. It had been terrible to tell them, and Kaisa had been glad of Ravi’s presence. She knew it wasn’t easy for him, especially when Peter’s mother had blurted out, ‘I thought you two were going to get married and that was what this was all about.’
Ravi had looked at his hands, not able to face Kaisa, it seemed, nor the couple opposite.
Kaisa had felt anger towards Peter’s parents at that point. She knew Ravi wasn’t ashamed of being gay, but at the same time she knew he wouldn’t want Peter’s parents to know, because it had nothing to do with them. Still, Kaisa felt the unfairness of it all acutely. Why would Peter’s parents assume that everyone was the same? But Kaisa had kept her voice steady when she’d said, ‘Actually I only made the decision after I’d invited you all to celebrate Peter’s life on the second anniversary. I thought it very important we commemorate it every year.’
‘Of course,’ Evie had replied.
Now she moved her eyes away from Kaisa, and put her hand through the crook of her husband’s arm. His eyes were steady on Kaisa, but she couldn’t help seeing a hardness in them. Was he also angry with Kaisa for wanting a new life for her and Rosa?
‘I wanted to thank you all for coming today. Especially Peter’s parents, for whom I know this day is a difficult one. I’d also like to thank, you, Ravi, for being my rock, and Rose,’ Kaisa’s mouth felt parched and she smiled at her friend, but turning back to the room carried on, ‘All of you who are dear friends: Jeff, Milly, Pammy and Nigel. And thank you Stephen for all your help,’ Kaisa nodded to the tall man in the corner of the room who she’d convinced to come to the lunch. ‘Peter’s brother and sister and Miriam. I am very grateful to all of you for your support over the past two years. I hope you know that.’
Kaisa glanced around the room, meeting the eyes of the people she’d thanked. Her gaze came to rest on Ravi. His brown eyes looked even more like liquid than usual. Kaisa knew he was unhappy about her decision. There was a general murmur around the room and the twins, Oliver and Beth clapped their hands. Everyone laughed.
Kaisa cleared her throat. She wasn’t finished yet. ‘I also wanted to let you know that after having thought about this long and hard ever since …’ Kaisa swallowed again, her mouth feeling too dry to carry on. ‘Excuse me for a moment,’ she said and reached for a glass of water.
‘What I wanted to tell you is that I am moving back to Finland.’
Thirty-Three
A week before she was due to move, amidst all the packing, Kaisa met Rose to say goodbye. She’d taken a cab to make it easier to get to Terroni’s with Rosa and her buggy. As she stepped out, she was met by Toni outside the café, and soon the little girl was in Toni’s arms and being taken into the café to be fussed over by the whole Terroni family.
‘Bella, bella, Rosa!’ Mamma said and fed the little girl tiny pieces of pink Italian meringue.
Rose was already sitting at ‘their table’ in the corner, sipping herbal tea.
‘You’ve gone off coffee, then?’ Kaisa asked.
Rose nodded, and Kaisa looked at Rosa sitting on top of the counter, held by Mamma. ‘She’d be a little fat girl if I stayed here, with Toni and his family feeding her all the wrong things!’
Toni was convinced Kaisa had given her daughter an Italian name, however much she tried to explain that Rosa was also common in Finland.
Both Rose and Kaisa laughed. Then, after Toni had brought Kaisa a cup of coffee, the two women were quiet.
‘You’ll come and visit, won’t you?’
Rose touched her tummy and said, ‘Yes, once this one is out and ready to face travelling.’
Kaisa looked at her friend. She had so much to be grateful for, and she knew she would miss her dreadfully.
‘You know I have to do this, right?’ she said and Rose, not looking at Kaisa, nodded.
Kaisa took Rose’s hands into hers and said, ‘Don’t be sad. I promise to write often and phone too. And I will come and visit you as soon as the baby is born. Just try to stop me!’
Kaisa told her friend about the large house she was buying in Lauttasaari, a few steps away from the sea.
‘There’s a beach with a children’s play area just along the shore, and I can even get a small boat if I want to. I actually have a private jetty!’ she said.
Kaisa hadn’t believed how much cheaper the houses in Helsinki were compared to London. The place she’d bought was one of the massive villas she’d admired as a teenage
r, in the area close to where her old school friend Vappu had lived. Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined she could ever afford such a place.
Rose smiled. ‘It sounds idyllic.’
After a succession of hugs from Toni, Mamma and the rest of the family, Rose and Kaisa, with Rosa now fast asleep in the buggy, walked along the Clerkenwell Road. It was a Tuesday afternoon, around four pm, just before the after-work rush. Seeing the pub, The Yorkshire Grey, where Rose had told Kaisa about Duncan barely two years previously, made Kaisa feel so very old and experienced. She placed her hand in the crook of Rose’s arm. ‘We’ll be OK, won’t we?’
Rose stopped in the middle of the road and looked at the sleeping child in the buggy and then at Kaisa. ‘Of course you will!’
* * *
Kaisa glanced around the empty house. She was holding Rosa’s hand, and now pulled the girl up into her arms. She walked slowly up to the French doors and surveyed the perfectly cut lawn. She’d had a specialist company to sort out the garden before she put the house up for sale. She’d never been much of a gardener, and Peter had never had enough time to do anything more than mow the lawn. It had cost her a pretty penny, but the estate agent had said that it was the only ‘home improvement’, as he’d put it, that she needed to do to get a good price for the little house. The same company had been commissioned to maintain the garden too, and had cut the lawn and weeded the borders, which were now immaculate with evergreen bushes on both sides of the square space.
Kaisa closed and locked the doors, putting the squirming Rosa onto the floor. Rosa had a new doll, given to her as a leaving present by Peter’s parents. It had been a painful farewell visit to Wiltshire, although ‘Ganny’ had told Kaisa she understood she needed to be close to her own family ‘since Peter was no longer here’. For Rosa’s sake, there had been no tears, and Kaisa was glad of that.
